Getting the cold shoulder

[98lbwuss]

I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 3 years. When we 1st started dating, as in anyrelationship, things were wonderful. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. But now it seems that it is a bit of a chore for her. I've asked many times what has changed and she replys that we were just getting to know each other then. I feel like i have been duped a little. When she kisses me it is most often how i would kiss my mother. We have gone 6-7 weeks with no more affection than this. Currently we are averaging about once a month for any kind of nocturnal activity.

 

Now I probably sound like some kind of pervert here but most men enjoy oral sex. Which used to happen with some kind of regularity. That is until I mentioned to her that I enjoyed it. That was two years ago and i think it has hapopened once since then. She said that she doesn't do it right and if I got her a book she would read it to make things better. So I did, and there the book sits collecting dust in her room. She did try to read it one night in front of me making a huge joke out it embarassing me. Maybe its just me but if there was one thing that I did or could do for her, sexually or not, I would being all over it knowing it would make her happy.

 

I know that this is probably a symptom of something larger in our relationship. She says it is not. She says that the only affection she needs is for me to hold her. Sometimes I feel like rejecting her just so she knows what it feels like. But I can't , I would do anything to make her smile.

 

Last night she surprised me by being at my house when I arrived and was cooking us dinner. She greeted me at the door with a passionate kiss. Highly unusual, but greatly appreciated. She keep going on during dinner about how 'naughty' she was feeling. I couldn't wait to finish and go upstairs. We went up stairs and she promptyl..fell asleep. I feel like Charlie brown and she is Lucy with that darn football. This happens alot and I keep falling for it. She claims its not teasing. I beg to differ. When we lay in bed at night she puts her hand in my lap to 'make sure i still like her' and then proceeds to watch tv or falll asleep. She says monce again ' not teasing'.

 

When I suggest that I must some kind of pervert for being interested in sex more than once a month her reply is ' your a guy and guys are supposed to want sex and girls aren't' Who says? who made this rule? and who the hell says we have to follow it? We are both 30 and i feel like when we get married (if) that it is only going to get less and less, especially if children become involved.

 

Thanks for any help. Sorry it ran on so long, just need to get some things out.

[tattoomytoe]

try having sex during the day. why wait till the end of the day when you are both tired? the week end is comming upon us.....see if that goes further.

[Mz. Pixie]

I think it's probably a symptom of something else, it was in my marriage.

 

Have you tried doing something totally for her that would make her happy? Romancing her? Perhaps you have started to take her for granted a bit and it's being reflected in your sex life? Women usually have trouble connecting with someone sexually if they are not emotionally.

 

Once a month for a young couple dating three years is low IMO. That's bull about women not wanting sex too- because I couldn't go a month without it. I had sex more than once a week in my marriage of 13 years!

 

I for one do not understand why women do not enjoy giving their man oral sex. For one, most men LOVE it and if you want to make your partner happy it's not a bad place to start. Secondly, if you're really good at it you can have any man eating out of your hand practically! I love to do it because it turns my partner on so much. You have every right to want to be sexually fufilled, you are not a pervert!!! It sounds like you have been very patient with her and her teasing you and giving you an erection "just to see if you still like me" is cruel I think.

 

Have a serious talk with her and let her know this is becoming an issue with you. If you really love her and want to continue the relationship you have a couple of choices:

 

Work out a compromise- seek counseling for her or perhaps a dr's visit to check her hormone levels, live with the fact that you are not getting it as much as you want or move on.

[98lbwuss]

Trust me I've tried the romancing thing. I make her dinner, candy flowers, take her out gifts, and often on all these. I tell her how beautiful she is. Every day I see her I tell her how she has gotten prettier since the last time I saw her. Her reply is 'I know you feel that way' as in 'shut up'

 

I do not take her for granted in the least. I have had relationships in the past where I did that and regret it very much so. I treat her like the queen that she is. When I tell her that I want her to love me back her answer is that she loves me differently than I love her. WTF is that supposed to mean?

[tattoomytoe]

it is called the ticket to freedom....maybe tell to take a break from you, cause she does not seem happy.

that way you have a little more upper hand, asking her to scoot.

[kanga]

Hm.

 

Wow. Just hearing your side, I think it's safe to say you're not a pervert. And i know there are lots of elements to a relationship, and sexual compatibility is definitely an important one. Is there a physical or emotional reason she just seems to zonk out?

 

If I were you, I wouldn't be afraid of thinking of ending it. Or at least talking to her and letting her know that this is a problem that could lead to the end.

 

And the book thing is weird -- next time I'd suggest you tell her that you're more than happy to be her tutor in this area. Guide her through what works and what doesn't.

 

I'm sure others have plenty of great advice.

[Mz. Pixie]

I have to agree now that you added that part. That I love you but not in the same way you love me crap usually means there is someone else involved. Know that is not what you wanted to hear but.......

 

Pull back from her- tell her that she doesn't seem happy and perhaps you guys should take a time out to see if you're what she really wants? Then, stick to it for a while and see how she reacts. She's obviously not concerned about meeting your needs. If she wises up then fine but if not then you don't need her.

 

There are lots of girls out there who would love to have a nice guy who wanted to treat them like a queen and who would make love to you until your toes curled!

[HeartSprinkles]

Being the girl in this situation I would just like to say that she is trying to end it...

 

The hard part about this is that , she doesn't know it, or she does know it somewhere deep inside.

 

I was in a 2.5 year relationship, and things just fizzled out, sexually on my part. He would've done it everyday of the week, and I was like that too, at first. But, as things fizzled out (to once a month) I searched my soul and I didn't have to guts to leave this guy that I totally loved, so I did the worst thing, I left him hanging...I led him on. (This would be the teasing she doesn't think she is doing, but she is.)

 

There is nothing you can say to her to change things...she may never tell you the truth about what is really going on inside b/c she is ignoring it. When and if you try to break up with her...she won't want to b/c she loves you and she won't want to be without you. In the end, be fair to yourself...don't let her do to you what I did to my ex.

 

To this day, I don't really know why things fizzled out (mental incompatibility, physical attractiveness, the inability of our souls to mesh, whatever...)...but I feel much better alone and so will you (she will too eventually).

 

Good luck, and I wish many happy days your way!

[98lbwuss]

The thing that is scaring me the most is the fact that I ended a relationship a few years ago by being a coward as you described. I just shut her off physically zoned out and told her I loved her still. I thought that I did. I made it so bad that she had to leave me. I forced her away so that I didn't leave her, because I didn't have the guts to do it. I was devastated for 2 years until I finally saw the light and realized that I really didnt love her like I thought, or rather hoped I did.

 

I have went over this with my GF, explaining my wants, fears, needs, hopes etc. for us and for the future. I have explained what happened in the past. She says she wants to make it work. She says the physical part is just a 'phase' , which in her defense she has been on a few differnet types of bc in the past 2 years because of endimetriouses (spelling wrong im sure but the women im sure know what im talking about)

 

I believe if she really wanted me gone she has the strength to do so because of a past relationship. She was married once before we met and she was the one that ended it.

 

I don't know I'm really scared about the future. On one hand I feel like I'm being entirely selfish but on the other I feel like I deserve better. I'm going to call a relationship counselers in the area and maybe we will try that.

 

Thanks for all your help and continued support

[HeartSprinkles]

She says she wants to make it work. She says the physical part is just a 'phase' , which in her defense she has been on a few differnet types of bc in the past 2 years because of endimetriouses (spelling wrong im sure but the women im sure know what im talking about)

 

I believe if she really wanted me gone she has the strength to do so because of a past relationship. She was married once before we met and she was the one that ended it.

 

I don't know I'm really scared about the future. On one hand I feel like I'm being entirely selfish but on the other I feel like I deserve better. I'm going to call a relationship counselers in the area and maybe we will try that.

 

 

I really hate to say this, but I have used the BC excuse in the past as well, b/c you guys believe it. It does mess up your hormones, but in a good way, you normally get hornier. I have also used the "phase" excuse, but this is a "phase" that never ends...

 

I really think that you should be selfish b/c there are a lot more fish in the sea who would MAKE the relationship work, and wouldn't just SAY that they are going to make it work...( i usually don't recommend breaking up, but since this is what worked for me in this situation i will recommend it.)

 

A relationship counsler may be handy, but in the end if you do break up and you go your seperate ways, you will have time to be free and be yourself. If in the end you two meet again, then you know that fate wants you together, and it won't be forced, by either party.

 

best wishes...

[whichwayisup]

When I suggest that I must some kind of pervert for being interested in sex more than once a month her reply is ' your a guy and guys are supposed to want sex and girls aren't' Who says? who made this rule? and who the hell says we have to follow it? We are both 30 and i feel like when we get married (if) that it is only going to get less and less, especially if children become involved.

 

Something definately isn't right. There HAS to be something else going on with her and she needs to come clean or get some therapy. Saying I'm feeling naughty then falling asleep is just plain wrong and cruel, intentional or not.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, they have names for girls like that I think it's

 

"Xock Tease"

 

I would never act like I was going to have sex and then pull it away. I'm always up front with my partner about whether or not he's going to get lucky.