The foggy WS

[BetrayedH]

What's your plan, violet?

 

How sure are you of his relapse? If I may ask, what proof do you have that will withstand his denials?

 

I only ask because I generally think it's wise to try to envision every which way that this kind of conversation might go and what your response will be.

 

My gut says that you sit him down and express that you've both heen hiding things and it has to stop. When he denies that he's hiding anything, presenting your irrefutable proof would be next. At this point I'm assuming that you have it and are willing to share it with him. If you do share it and he admits, it seems like your confession is next, followed by a discussion about what you both want to do about both things.

 

Do you know what you want? What if he continues to deny even in the face of your proof? What if he breaks down and asks for another chance? What if he walks out? What if he gets violent? What if he wants you to leave?

 

I ask because it's best to try to have somewhat of a gameplan for each of these scenarios in advance, rather than trying to come up with one during an emotional and heated discussion. Maybe we can help.

[Sub]

Actually his drug use is grounds for divorce. I dealt with his addiction for a very long time. I dealt with him cheating, lying, stealing from me, losing job after job because he was too strung out to go to work. Before we got married, he promised me he wouldn't touch it again. I told him it would be grounds for divorce if he relapses and hides it. He agreed to that. I'm not saying what he did was worse. However, I have just as much as a right to divorce him for his relapse as he does me for breaking NC. Please don't try to imply his relapse is not a big deal. It is a big deal!!!!

 

Definitely a big deal. How long had he been clean before this relapse? I'm assuming it was the length of your marriage.

[violet1]

I don't have proof, but I know in my gut he relapsed. I have two jobs. I worked both jobs Friday and Saturday. I get home between 1-2 am from my 2nd job. Friday night he was wide awake when I got home. That has NEVER happened in the 6 months I've had two jobs. My H is a sleeper. He needs 8-10 hours a night to function. I woke up 6 am to work again on Saturday, he was still awake. I got home from my 1st job, he was still awake. I went back to my 2nd job, got home that night, he was still awake. He ruined his sinus cavity from doing heavy drugs when he was younger. He gets the drips when he does hard drugs. He constantly sniffs only when he's high. It was so bad, my stepdaughter noticed it. Yesterday was the kicker. He came home from work and started screaming at my stepdaughter and I. Then he went to sleep at 5 pm and was out cold the rest of the night. He is extremely moody when he's coming down.

 

I confronted him very nicely on Saturday night and asked if he relapsed and he got very defensive. He went to some guy's house Friday night. My H used to work with this guy and I don't know him very well. I know in my heart my H did Meth or coke last Friday. I just can't prove it. I don't know how to confront him on it again because I know he will lie. I'm not sure what my plan is right now.

[violet1]

Definitely a big deal. How long had he been clean before this relapse? I'm assuming it was the length of your marriage.

He relapsed once after we were married and immediately told me about it. I know him well and I know his behavior when he's high.

[Dark Holy]

Well from where I'm standing it's simple logic.

 

A=You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

 

B=You cheated because you wanted to. You want to cheat more than you want to have a good relationship, a happy husband and happy life.

 

If "A" is true, then "B" must be true.

 

Understand exactly what you are, and then you will never be surprised by your own actions.

[violet1]

Please don't post crap like above on my thread. I'm very well aware of what I am. Thank you! This is why I didn't want to really mention the relapse. I knew people would blame me for it.

[Sub]

Is it possible he knows about you breaking NC? Also, D-Day is relatively recent. I'm not going to say he relapsed because of the A, nor am I saying you're not justified in your suspicions. But I know it took me a few months to eat and sleep regularly after I discovered my WW's A. And I'm also a "sleeper".

[violet1]

Is it possible he knows about you breaking NC? Also, D-Day is relatively recent. I'm not going to say he relapsed because of the A, nor am I saying you're not justified in your suspicions. But I know it took me a few months to eat and sleep regularly after I discovered my WW's A. And I'm also a "sleeper".

No, his sleep wasn't affected after D Day. My H can sleep through an earth quake. He's always valued his sleep. He's a depressant so he sleeps more when he's stressed. He was talking fast. Doing things he does only when he's high. I'm not trying to downplay what I did btw.

[Dark Holy]

Please don't post crap like above on my thread. I'm very well aware of what I am. Thank you! This is why I didn't want to really mention the relapse. I knew people would blame me for it.

 

How is it crap? It's simple logic. It applies to everyone, including your husband.

 

The basic premise is clear and irrefutable. If you don't so something, it's because you didn't want to do it. At least not enough.

 

Please explain how that is crap. Thanks!

[Sub]

I'm not trying to downplay what I did btw.

 

I don't think you are. It's definitely time for both of you to put everything on the table, which it appears is what you're planning on doing. The sooner, the better now that you've confronted him on his apparent relapse. I wish you luck.

[Dark Holy]

I don't think you are. It's definitely time for both of you to put everything on the table, which it appears is what you're planning on doing. The sooner, the better now that you've confronted him on his apparent relapse. I wish you luck.

 

Agreed. And for the record Violet I don't blame you for what your husband does. He is responsible for his actions. We all do what we do because of ourselves, not others.

[Spectre]

Actually his drug use is grounds for divorce. I dealt with his addiction for a very long time. I dealt with him cheating, lying, stealing from me, losing job after job because he was too strung out to go to work. Before we got married, he promised me he wouldn't touch it again. I told him it would be grounds for divorce if he relapses and hides it. He agreed to that. I'm not saying what he did was worse. However, I have just as much as a right to divorce him for his relapse as he does me for breaking NC. Please don't try to imply his relapse is not a big deal. It is a big deal!!!!

 

Completely understandable, as long as we do not skirt around the issue that, whatever he did, he at least did not bring a third party into the equation. I never said it wasn't a big deal and hopefully he gets the help he needs, I merely meant to say do not try to use this to justify anything you did to him. Not that you did that, I just meant to say you shouldn't do that in the future. It is a big deal, not exactly as big as betraying someone for another human being, but I won't say it is not a big deal either.

[violet1]

I respect your opinion, but I believe the behavior of a cheater and a drug addict is equally damaging. Drug addicts lie just like cheaters do. Drug addicts don't just hurt themselves, they hurt their loved ones. I won't go through it again. I just feel so bad for my stepdaughter. She doesn't need this sh*t. I'm in tears because I'm going to end up losing her. I won't be able to protect her anymore. I'm not expecting sympathy, but my husband the BH is NO saint!

 

He doesn't deserve being cheated on, but there is no excuse for his behavior. My stepdaughter text me and said he started screaming at her this morning on her way to school. She's all stressed out and thought I was mad at her. Why does he have to be an A hole to his own daughter? He's going to end up pushing her away. I'm so angry at him. I know I'm the WS, but I have the damn right to be angry too!

 

I'm sorry everyone for being snappy today. I'm struggling a lot and I'm feeling a lot of anger and confusion. I just don't know what to do any more.

[DepressedinDenver]

This is quite the ironic turn of a events.

 

 

He had his relapse back into drugs.

 

 

Just as You had your relapse back into your drug, the OM.

 

 

This poor girl of yours. Living with people with no control. I hope she'll be okay. Shes the only one who may deserve some peace. :/

[snappytomcat]

it seems like violet knows she did wrong by cheating,and then breaking nc,so she shouldn't be beat down for asking a question.i feel bad for all involved,but especially the innocent child.

violet is there any way you can get temporary custody of her since he has relapsed,and she doesn't need to be with him right now until he gets help.

thinking of you,take care of yourself

[violet1]

We were in the process of making me a legal guardian of her in case anything happened to him. I don't think that's going happen now. I have ZERO legal rights. She is a teen so all I can hope for is that she'll be allowed to contact me on her own. The problem is I can't prove he relapsed. I'm going to be watching him now. I just hope and pray he doesn't do this again.

[Friskyone4u]

Violet, you have a lot on your plate so being short fused is OK. Working two jobs and the infidelity and drugs is a lot for one person. You two do need to separate I think. It is not safe to be with a meth addict and if he truly is on that again you need out of there. Just like you have to be responsible for your sexual infidelity, your H owns his drug habit. But there is some coincidence that he was clean until you had your A. That does not excuse it if he is back on meth. There are other ways to cope just like you could have coped other ways than by hopping in the sack.

I would just try to collect yourself as best as you can and make sure you are physically safe. Once this crisis is resolved I suggest you figure out if you can be in a faithful relationship with someone who hopefully is not a drug addict.

I hope you do not go back to this OM because you have no where to turn.

[Spectre]

I respect your opinion, but I believe the behavior of a cheater and a drug addict is equally damaging. Drug addicts lie just like cheaters do. Drug addicts don't just hurt themselves, they hurt their loved ones. I won't go through it again. I just feel so bad for my stepdaughter. She doesn't need this sh*t. I'm in tears because I'm going to end up losing her. I won't be able to protect her anymore. I'm not expecting sympathy, but my husband the BH is NO saint!

 

He doesn't deserve being cheated on, but there is no excuse for his behavior. My stepdaughter text me and said he started screaming at her this morning on her way to school. She's all stressed out and thought I was mad at her. Why does he have to be an A hole to his own daughter? He's going to end up pushing her away. I'm so angry at him. I know I'm the WS, but I have the damn right to be angry too!

 

I'm sorry everyone for being snappy today. I'm struggling a lot and I'm feeling a lot of anger and confusion. I just don't know what to do any more.

 

Nobody is saying the guy is a saint, but at the same time, he still at least did not bring a third party into this. I still feel that is worse then anything else. So he is definitely no saint, but keep in mind at least he did not have such disrespect for you as to bring another woman into this problem. That is all I am saying, do not try to make this an "eye for an eye" situation, because it really isn't. He did wrong yes, he betrayed your trust in a bad way. However, the bond that was broken by involving another man..I still feel that in the end is more damaging.

 

So like I said, I want to make it clear: he is no saint, I am not excusing his behavior or saying it is right..because it isn't. But I am going to be completely blunt with you here for a moment: I would rather find out my girlfriend is a drug addict as opposed to finding out she cheated on me. Not saying one is better then the other, but I think you need to understand for me the cheating would be a billion times more devastating.

Edited April 22, 2014 by Spectre

[Journee]

Violet,

 

 

I just want to offer you support as you maneuver through this.

 

Did I misread or have you dealt with infidelity from your H in the past?

 

I grew up with two addicts in my home. I have not been romantically involved with anyone battling addiction but I do know how difficult it is.

 

You are all hurting and instead of rubbing your face in the crap of it all like you are some kind of animal I just want you to all find peace.

 

I feel awful for your stepdaughter having to experience so much anguish. Is she involved in any kind if counseling?

 

I won't get into what action is more deplorable because that gets us nowhere. Acknowledging that terrible choices have been made then figuring out how to deal with the aftermath is a better plan. I feel for you and your H. So much pain. Enough for a village to share in.

[janedoe67]

I respect your opinion, but I believe the behavior of a cheater and a drug addict is equally damaging. Drug addicts lie just like cheaters do. Drug addicts don't just hurt themselves, they hurt their loved ones. I won't go through it again. I just feel so bad for my stepdaughter. She doesn't need this sh*t. I'm in tears because I'm going to end up losing her. I won't be able to protect her anymore. I'm not expecting sympathy, but my husband the BH is NO saint!

 

He doesn't deserve being cheated on, but there is no excuse for his behavior. My stepdaughter text me and said he started screaming at her this morning on her way to school. She's all stressed out and thought I was mad at her. Why does he have to be an A hole to his own daughter? He's going to end up pushing her away. I'm so angry at him. I know I'm the WS, but I have the damn right to be angry too!

 

I'm sorry everyone for being snappy today. I'm struggling a lot and I'm feeling a lot of anger and confusion. I just don't know what to do any more.

 

You don't have to apologize. You are surrounded by people who refuse to conceive of anything on earth ever being as legitimately painful as infidelity.

[Sub]

You don't have to apologize. You are surrounded by people who refuse to conceive of anything on earth ever being as legitimately painful as infidelity.

 

With all due respect, this is an infidelity forum. Thus the focus on the infidelity aspect of this situation. I respect violet for being willing to discuss things the way she has, and wish her the best. But this thread is about her fog, and breaking NC. Neither of which were related to her H's recent relapse. Nobody's saying that issue isn't legitimately painful.

[BetrayedH]

Violet,

 

 

I just want to offer you support as you maneuver through this.

 

Did I misread or have you dealt with infidelity from your H in the past?

 

I grew up with two addicts in my home. I have not been romantically involved with anyone battling addiction but I do know how difficult it is.

 

You are all hurting and instead of rubbing your face in the crap of it all like you are some kind of animal I just want you to all find peace.

 

I feel awful for your stepdaughter having to experience so much anguish. Is she involved in any kind if counseling?

 

I won't get into what action is more deplorable because that gets us nowhere. Acknowledging that terrible choices have been made then figuring out how to deal with the aftermath is a better plan. I feel for you and your H. So much pain. Enough for a village to share in.

 

Good post, Journee. I was just feeling the same and you said it eloquently.

[BetrayedH]

I have been thinking lately that everyone seems to have their coping mechanisms. Right now for me, it's food and rum. For others it's drugs, porn/sex, affairs. There seem to be parallels with addiction.

 

It makes me empathize. It makes me wonder if any one is worse than another. Or if any one person's coping mechanism is really unforgivable.

[A.Moscote]

Be easy on yourself and keep in mind that things can always get better. You are working very hard and now have to face all these dilemma, so it's okay to vent off and snaps, we all do that too.

 

As much as we can know from here it seems like you are the one person that your stepdaughter is looking up to. So keep on being involve with her, make yourself very approachable, and maintain an understanding and honest communication between the two of you. In a few years she will appreciates all your sacrifice and be thankful to you. Maybe at that time she will be the one family who truly understands and cherish you.

 

I know right now you are hurt and angered by your H's antics, but perhaps you can still show a bit of empathy and patience. There must be reason for the relapse and maybe you can help him realizes and reassess his situation with kindness and care. Prevent him from plunging further. This shouldn't impede your decision to D especially if you do it politely and honestly. Prepare him for the end without leaving him with a bleak view.

 

May be all these is a bit daunting and demanding, but it is not impossible to work on all three of these simultaneously; guiding your stepdaughter, helping your husband, and getting yourself out of this marriage. Perhaps this is your purpose at this phase of your life, the chance for you to grow and make amends for the past mistakes.

 

You are very hardworking, you deserve the best future. Wish you well.

[BHsigh]

Violet,

 

 

I just want to offer you support as you maneuver through this.

 

Did I misread or have you dealt with infidelity from your H in the past?

 

I grew up with two addicts in my home. I have not been romantically involved with anyone battling addiction but I do know how difficult it is.

 

You are all hurting and instead of rubbing your face in the crap of it all like you are some kind of animal I just want you to all find peace.

 

I feel awful for your stepdaughter having to experience so much anguish. Is she involved in any kind if counseling?

 

I won't get into what action is more deplorable because that gets us nowhere. Acknowledging that terrible choices have been made then figuring out how to deal with the aftermath is a better plan. I feel for you and your H. So much pain. Enough for a village to share in.

 

Exactly, No matter what you've done violet, you do not deserve to go through this, his drug use is his issue, and his issue alone. People can argue all day that your A pushed him back into using drugs, but that's a cop out, he made his own choice and you do not have to live with his choices.

 

And which person did the worst thing, you or him, it doesn't matter one bit, because we all have things that we just cannot live with, and drug abuse is a very good reason to divorce someone, regardless of your own bad choices.

 

I hope that you all come out of this ok, and I hope that your stepdaughter is ok.