Jealous/concerned of girlfriend's past

[alucard777]

I've been dating a girl for a couple of months now who I feel I truly love and deeply care about. She has pretty much everything I ever wanted in a girl but I can't get over her past, especially since she brought it into the start of our relationship.

 

I found this girl through an online dating site and we hit it off pretty quickly. Time goes on and she begins telling me about her ex and how she really loved him, etc and did some things with him but never had actual sex. as we begin dating she keeps on bringing him up and I cant take it anymore. I tell her Im gonna leave and she changes but now I cant get over everything she has said to me. what makes it crazier is it wasnt a good relationship at all, it was a very abusive one. the whole thing is just so crazy to me and idk how to accept it. I really like this girl but i cant accept some of things like her cheating on someone because she was forced by her ex or that she really loved the sexual things and later telling me that she didnt, it was just her trying to cope with how bad the relationship was. I think the hardest part is that all her answers changed over time, idk if it was because it was hard to talk about an abusive relationship in the start or what. i also cant get the images out of my head of all the things he got to do with her, just not actual sex.

[d0nnivain]

It's unfortunate that she shared details with you but you can't un-ring a bell.

 

 

When you 1st got together she may not have been over him but as she's gotten to know you, perhaps he is fading in importance.

 

 

If you can't get over her past, let her go sooner rather than later but understand after a certain age, usually around 16-17 but at least after 20, everybody comes with some sort of past.

[maefrae]

wow. im in a similar situation. i was also in a relationship with someone who would ask me to do things for him. they were things i thought i was into but would later feel bad for. all i wanted was a normal relationship. it went on for 10 years. i told him i liked them because i didnt want to be alone.

 

when my most recent boyfriend and i first met, he asked me what the craziest thing i ever done was. i told him i had a threesome. at first it didnt scare him but as he got to know me, i opened up to him about things i had done in my past, including the 10 year relationship (it was hard because i was ashamed of it all). it was all a bad idea. he was also a snooper. i didnt get rid of things (old facebook conversations, old pictures) when i should have and he would have questions. even though they were things i did before i knew he existed, my image was still ruined.

 

i love him with my whole heart and would never cheat on him. i never did. he ended up breaking up with me because he couldnt handle thinking about it anymore and was sad and i feel he broke up with me for no reason.

 

dont judge her on a past. she was probably unhappy the whole time. she was just doing what seemed right at the time with someone she thought she was supposed to be with.

 

you should think of yourself as her hero, her protector, her savior. thats how i felt my ex was. i could breathe and be normal finally.

 

she had a past.. so what. you guys have a future.

[Orfeo]

Hi alucard,

 

The past is the past. It's over. It's your choice whether you want to dwell on it or not. Hey did you know that in the past, she also wore diapers and probably wet the bed? Does that bother you? If not, why? The past is the past. It's not your concern now and don't go asking questions you don't want to know the answers to.

 

I don't know how old you are but it's pretty much a given that your gf has had sex before in the past unless you're teens. Why would this bother you? She's with you now, not her ex. Sex happens. Relationships happen. In fact I'm pretty sure we all wet the bed in the past but does that matter? No. So why should her past matter? You need to focus on the present and on the fact that she's with you now. And hey, we learn from the past so maybe she won't make the same mistakes with you.

 

Also, if her past bothers you so much, maybe you should just seek shut-in virgins in the future.

[DannyCA]

I think some people don't have a problem with the past and can handle knowing how many people their partner has been with and some people can't. I fall into the latter category (unfortunately.) I just have come to realize that it doesn't matter. I don't think two people dating should share their sexual history with each other. I mean what's the point? Knowing how many partners and actually "who" your partner has been with is a terrible idea and 99% of the time will cause problems.

 

So I think if you care about this girl brush your ego aside and suck up whatever insecurities you have about the situation. If you can't leave her and find someone else. It really is no simpler than that.

 

While my ex gave up on our rs without question (and completely turned into a total b****), I gave her the reasons to with my insecurities and jealousy. Don't make my mistake.

 

I know this won't work for everyone, but I am going to continue dating from now on telling my partner not to tell me about her past sexual partners.

 

What I will listen to:

-Who her past ex's are (if the person comes up)

-How many ex's she has (if the number comes up)

-What she wants to try sexually

 

What I will not listen to:

-How many people she has slept with

-Who she has slept with

-When she lost her virginity

-What she has tried sexually

-Locations she has had sex

-Etc

 

And the same goes for what I will share and not share.

 

I feel there is no reason to know all that crap so I will not listen nor ask to know. If we don't know about each others sexual history, there is no judgement, jealousy, or preconceived notions. Ignorance is bliss.