We're moving in. Problem with my parents

[Brunettie]

My boyfriend and I are getting engaged in the extremely near future.

I am graduating in less than a month and already have a full time job lined up for the week after I graduate.

The job is 20 minutes from his place and 40 minutes from my current house (I live with my parents).

We're going to move in together about when I start work.

His parents know. Mine don't. Because they're extremely religious and have already stated that I am "not allowed" to live with him before marriage. I am 22 years old... I'm nervous to talk to them about it because my dad will get angry and my mom's going to yell and probably cry.

What can I do in regards to a smooth conversation....

 

PS I already stay over at his house a few days a week.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

You are an adult and can make your own decisions.

 

That said, consider this: your parents will already know that while you stay over you are not likely to be playing pinochle the whole time. So they are aware you have grown up. They will likely have strong reservations about cohabitation before commitment. That is, moving in with a guy before any commitment removes some motivation for that commitment. "Why buy the cow...?" Living with a guy is a big leap.

 

I share such reservations, to be honest. Without being religious in the least.

 

If you get engaged, your parents will likely be thrilled. If you then move in, not such a big deal. If you move in *then* wait for the engagement - hmmm. This talk of "getting engaged in the very near future" is great, but may I ask how you know? If you are sure then you must mean your BF is sure. If he is absolutely sure then you will know that because he will have asked you already, you agreed, and the date is set. So you are already engaged then ... Except apparently not. So how are you certain of this?

 

I am not meaning to cast undue doubt, he is no doubt a swell guy and leaving home is something we all have needed to do. Just take a step back here and consider whether cohabitation before commitment is the best way to respect yourself, and the commitment your parents have shown to you. If it is, and you are certain of that, take the leap.

 

Good luck and a happy marriage to you.

Edited April 10, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy

[Brunettie]

Sorry. I should've been clearer in my original post.

We're moving in together after becoming engaged. I know it's happening soon because we have discussed it. (since I found out, so it's not a surprise anymore)

 

I also forgot to add that we've been dating just short of 2 years.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Well congratulations! On graduating, on job, on establishing a good relationship, on all of that.

 

As for handling the parents: They have brought you up and love you, so be respectful, but also be clear this is your decision not theirs. If you can articulate their reservations for them, their worries will be much appeased.

 

The conversation will I predict be smoother in the presence of the engagement ring. If your BF really wants to shine, he should ask your pa for your hand. I wish I'd done that for my wife's old man (an elder of the Kirk so possessed of similar views about the flower of his daughter).

 

Good luck!

[Brunettie]

I moved in with my fiance last night after work.

I told my parents about it earlier this week.

 

My parents are both very religious and conservative...so they were not happy. The conversation went better than I had imagined (I imagined it horribly)

 

My mom said she wanted us to get married in a courthouse then it would soften the blow. We're not going to do that...we're already getting married next May.

 

Anyways, at work I called her because I left something at home and she was angry and said she doesn't want me staying over here all week and that she wants me home by Monday.

 

My fiance and I have been dating 2 years. Im 22 and he's 25. I just graduated college and begin my new job on Monday. My new job that is so very much closer to his house. (20 mins from his house, 40 mins from my parents' house).

 

My fiance lost his job and has a temporary job as a used car salesman...which he only gets paid when he sells a car. However, the bills keep coming whether he sells a car or not. So I'm glad I can be here to help with bills as well.

 

I've explained this to my mom but she's still angry, wants me home by Monday, and wants us to get married in a court house first.

 

Before this, I spent pretty much every weekend at his house, so this is not new.

 

What can I do to just get them to accept this? I'm an adult and I need to make my own choices. I don't want to get rude or disrespectful to them about it. This is really stressing me out.

[newmoon]

your parents are not *that* religious or conservative because you were over there all the time anyway before officially moving in and they accepted that. they must know you weren't playing cards all night. so.. the problem is with the new situation, you making a permanent decision to be with this guy. if you are 'just dating' they would more readily accept it than if you are escalating the relationship, which is what i *think* the real problem is. as a mom, she is probably worried you'll be supporting your boyfriend and picking up too many bills, etc. and she wouldn't want that for you. and maybe they don't see him as a great long-term partner for you. but, since you won't change what you're doing just give her assurances that you'll be ok, that you've made a choice you're confident in, etc. make her understand that you are happy with your choice - if they love you they want to see you happy. don't share your stresses with them (like about the bills and bf's job status) because they can use that to make it seem like you've made a bad choice. paint a happy, rosy picture of how you are doing and then start, little by little, to rely on your parents less and your bf more. as an 'adult' that is the course you should be on.

[Poppygoodwill]

It's entirely possible that they will never accept it. You just don't want it to go so far that your parents refuse to participate in your wedding on principle. That would no doubt be horrible for you all.

 

Can you get your Dad more on side than your Mum? Get him to help her understand that you're engaged and committed and that this is how it's done these days?

[MidwestUSA]

I'm assuming you didn't end up with an engagement ring? (Someone suggested that it may have softened the blow of this somewhat). And let me guess, your fiancé didn't ask your dad for your hand?

 

Well, look at this from your parents' view. Your F is not working (to his potential), but still has bills to pay. Instead of enjoying your new found freedom, and the start of a new job, you're going to help pay his bills.

 

 

Have you REALLY thought this out? Are you and your F really past the problems of the last year, his sexting another woman, and being still on a dating site while 'exclusive' with you?

 

 

Please make sure you've thought this through. You seem to have moved past your recent problems very quickly.

[Brunettie]

I'm assuming you didn't end up with an engagement ring? (Someone suggested that it may have softened the blow of this somewhat). And let me guess, your fiancé didn't ask your dad for your hand?

 

Well, look at this from your parents' view. Your F is not working (to his potential), but still has bills to pay. Instead of enjoying your new found freedom, and the start of a new job, you're going to help pay his bills.

 

 

Have you REALLY thought this out? Are you and your F really past the problems of the last year, his sexting another woman, and being still on a dating site while 'exclusive' with you?

 

 

Please make sure you've thought this through. You seem to have moved past your recent problems very quickly.

 

 

No, I do have a ring. We are engaged. We have been for a month.

He has applied to numerous job postings and continues to do so. He'll have a better job soon, I'm not worried about that.

 

The problems you brought up were a year ago, we are way past that and a lot has changed since then. I wouldn't still be here if I had any of those concerns or if those problems were still lingering.

 

 

And someone mentioned having my dad be more on board, well they both believe the same and he's not going to be more on board with it. They're never going to be "on board" with it, I just want them to accept it like they accepted me staying over ( which they were very against in the beginning)

[littleplanet]

Your mom wants you to do the courthouse thing to legitimize the co-habitation. (So you won't be living in sin, apparently.)

Um, you're not engaged? Of course you are. An engagement is not an official announcement in the press, and fulfillment of PHD course material, or a thesis.

It's just a simple question followed by a straight answer.

 

I was a little confused by that one........

 

You know, when I was your age there was no way in hell I was going to ever marry anyone without living with them first. To use the car salesman's vernacular - it's a test-drive.

(And choosing a spouse is exponentially more important than choosing a car - unless you're going to marry the car.)

I actually knew a guy once who seemed more married to his car -

I digress.

 

Oh. So you're engaged. And living together. A lot has happened in a month.

As you state: you are an adult. Time to make your own decisions. Not all of them are bound to fly well with your parents.

You say they are both conservative and religious. And you are......liberal and non-religious?

You are obviously liberal enough to see nothing wrong with living with your future husband before marriage.

 

But hey. You're grown up. Educated. Working. Paying bills. Running a household.

That sounds pretty adult to me.

Add to that dedicated, motivated and committed to an ongoing partnership with the man you love, who has pledged himself to you in marriage.

What's not to like?

 

Do your parents still think you're a young and silly girl who doesn't know her own mind?

Or does their conservatism and religious beliefs color the page with absolute dictates about how you 'should' behave?

Once you're in your own house, your own house rules are yours, kiddo.

 

If your main problem here is how to placate them, bring them around,have their blessing.....well, you might have to wait awhile, for that.

 

You have accomplished a lot in the past year. If it's all going tickety-boo, then you're not someone to just sit idle and do nothing and wait.

 

So if acceptance is what you're after - you might be waiting for that for quite awhile.

Like some happy day when they're bouncing that first grandchild on their knee.

Until then, tolerate their views as best you can, and get on with your life.