Jump to content

So most people think one night stands are okay?

Thomas the Red Fox

By Thomas the Red Fox,
in General Relationship Discussion

 Share Followers 4

Recommended Posts

RedRobin

RedRobin

Posted
Posted
A couple months into dating my ex gf she told me that after the birth of her child, for 5-6 years, she did not want to be in a relationship, but she wanted sex, so she had a couple of FWBs. At first I thought "deal breaker". As she talked more, I was okay with it.

 

She said they were good male friends, she told them straight up she was not looking to date, not looking for a relationship, she told them "if you are looking for a relationship I am not your gal", she made them get tested, and when the FWB period was "done", it was done. She eventually met a man she got into a relationship with for 7+ years.

 

What I thought was cool, was she volunteered this, I never asked.

 

I tried this in the fall for the first time ever. I actually wanted more, to date. I saw her offer for "just sex" as a way to yeah, have sex, but also spend time with her and see what develops. I started to get closer to her and we started doing more than "just sex". She saw it as "just sex" and ended it when she wanted more (she was developing feelings too). Ironically, she has proposed us dating now.

 

At this stage of my life... I am all about clarity of purpose... And to me... FWB and ONS scream confusion... Not clarity.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
ASG

ASG

Posted
Posted
I'd love to hear replies to my comment, where I asked do the two parties stop, right before, and discuss "Is this a one night stand?". Has anyone ever done that?

 

No. Never.

 

I think I'm a good reader of people. You'll never seem me post a thread about "OMG we had sex and now he's not replying to my texts" or whatever.

 

Also, I have to say... I always go in expecting it to be just that. A one night stand. It saves on the disappointment!

Some guys I know will stay in touch and we'll probably sleep together again, and, depending on how things go and progress maybe even develop into a proper relationship (it has happened). I usually know pretty much straight away if a guy is gonna stay in touch or not.

And, if I'm not completely sure, I'll shoot them a msg. I have no issues being the first to initiate contact. And then wait and see if they reply. If they do, great, if they don't, whatever. No skin off my back, to be honest.

Link to post
Share on other sites
RedRobin

RedRobin

Posted
Posted
The point is no, nobody stops and discusses that and that was one of the reasons why.

 

Apparently there are a couple of people on this thread who claim they did verify in advance that it was casual.

 

When you don't do that... Is when people get hurt.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
ASG

ASG

Posted
Posted
I agree, always have conversations about expectations, but I guess I am confused in general about bars and sex as I didn't bang drunk girls back in the day. Do women actually think some drunk guy taking them home from a bar is LTR material? I find that preposterous. Are girls really this naive and gullible? :eek:

G

 

Well... it does happen sometimes!

A few years ago, 2 of my friends were on a road trip. At some point they hit Dublin and Temple Bar. They met 2 guys and went home with them.

 

One of them ended up dating that guy for about 3 years. The other friend was not as impressed with "her" guy, so nothing else happened after that ONS.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
GoreSP

GoreSP

Posted
Posted
I'd love to hear replies to my comment, where I asked do the two parties stop, right before, and discuss "Is this a one night stand?". Has anyone ever done that?

 

No...but technically, if you're going home with someone you just met at a bar/party/wherever, the ONS is implied...

Or at least it would be best if the people involved didn't expect anything more than the ONS...

Link to post
Share on other sites
ASG

ASG

Posted
Posted
No...but technically, if you're going home with someone you just met at a bar/party/wherever, the ONS is implied...

Or at least it would be best if the people involved didn't expect anything more than the ONS...

 

Even when doing it with someone I have known for a while, if no conversation about anything purporting to a potential relationship happened, I always assume ONS.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun

Grumpybutfun

Posted
Posted
Let's say a guy meets a girls at a bar, they go home together. Let's say the girl isn't gullible, she knows. In the moment of thing the guy stops and says "you know this is a ONS, your okay with that right" don't you think the situation would get really awkward, and she'd get uncomfortable.

 

He shouldn't have waited to take her home before announcing his intentions. Drunk sex always seemed silly to me outside of relationships as someone might regret their lack of inhibition in the morning. I also like my sex to be a conscious decision by both parties.

 

I spent a great deal searching for myself, not wanting to be in relationships and basically trying to get myself together before dating seriously. I always made sure that any woman who wanted something sexual from me knew the truth. I always told them upfront that this is just sex, though I enjoy your company, I am not in a place in my life where I can give you anything other than pleasure. Only four girls in all that time, since I was sixteen to twenty four ever said no, so honesty is appreciated by women. The girls who said no basically were relationship only girls and I respected their preferences and standards. I like women and really liked hanging out with the. So if they didn't want to have sex, I wasn't miffed about it as I expected nothing.

G

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
KathyM

KathyM

Posted
Posted

I think ONS are not good for a person, both emotionally and physically. Physically, it puts a person at risk of getting an STD, since you have no idea what the person's sexual health is and condoms don't prevent certain types of STDs, such as genital herpes. It also puts you at physical risk, since you don't know the person. That guy you picked up at the bar, whom you know little to nothing about, could be a serial killer, for all you know. Or that woman you picked up at the bar could be planning to use the opportunity to rip you off. (I do know a man who had that happen--a woman came onto him somewhere, suggested they go back to his place, used the opportunity to case the place for valuables, then let her boyfriend in to rip off the guy). It happens. Not a good plan to put yourself in such a vulnerable position with a total stranger.

 

 

Then there's the emotional toll it takes. Giving of yourself so intimately to someone you don't know or care about. Eventually, it takes a toll on your psychological health.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
jay1983

jay1983

Posted
Posted
No...but technically, if you're going home with someone you just met at a bar/party/wherever, the ONS is implied...

Or at least it would be best if the people involved didn't expect anything more than the ONS...

 

I posted then withdrew this comment.

 

Let's say guy meets girl at bar, they go home together. The girl is not dumb, she knows. In the moment of things, the guy stops and says "hey this is a ONS, your okay with that right" Don't you think the situation would get awkward and she'd be uncomfortable?

Link to post
Share on other sites
jay1983

jay1983

Posted
Posted
He shouldn't have waited to take her home before announcing his intentions. Drunk sex always seemed silly to me outside of relationships as someone might regret their lack of inhibition in the morning. I also like my sex to be a conscious decision by both parties.

 

I spent a great deal searching for myself, not wanting to be in relationships and basically trying to get myself together before dating seriously. I always made sure that any woman who wanted something sexual from me knew the truth. I always told them upfront that this is just sex, though I enjoy your company, I am not in a place in my life where I can give you anything other than pleasure. Only four girls in all that time, since I was sixteen to twenty four ever said no, so honesty is appreciated by women. The girls who said no basically were relationship only girls and I respected their preferences and standards. I like women and really liked hanging out with the. So if they didn't want to have sex, I wasn't miffed about it as I expected nothing.

G

 

Well Grump, what your saying is right, thats the best way to do things, but we live this world where people are selfish and look out for themselves.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
ASG

ASG

Posted
Posted
I posted then withdrew this comment.

 

Let's say guy meets girl at bar, they go home together. The girl is not dumb, she knows. In the moment of things, the guy stops and says "hey this is a ONS, your okay with that right" Don't you think the situation would get awkward and she'd be uncomfortable?

 

No. Why would it get awkward? If she's also aware of what is happening... There is no reason for awkwardness!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun

Grumpybutfun

Posted
Posted
Well Grump, what your saying is right, thats the best way to do things, but we live this world where people are selfish and look out for themselves.

 

Jay, you are absolutely correct. Some people are but we don't have to be what others are.

 

I always try to tell my kids, see the world as it is rather than how it should be, but strive to make it the way it should be. :)

G

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
jay1983

jay1983

Posted
Posted
No. Why would it get awkward? If she's also aware of what is happening... There is no reason for awkwardness!

 

My bad, that's the way I thought is was. I can be wrong.:o

Link to post
Share on other sites
jay1983

jay1983

Posted
Posted (edited)
Jay, you are absolutely correct. Some people are but we don't have to be what others are.

 

I always try to tell my kids, see the world as it is rather than how it should be, but strive to make it the way it should be. :)

G

 

I have a conscience like that, but sometimes I drift the wrong way. I'm human, if a girl asks me to go home with her, I might get a little selfish myself. Alcohol is no excuse, but sure as hell doesn't help.

Edited by jay1983
Link to post
Share on other sites
Furious

Furious

Posted
Posted
I have seen many posts over the past few months where girls will be surprised when it didn't work out with the guys they slept with on the first date / had a one night stand with.

 

I mean.......... seriously?

 

I'll admit, I have had a one night stand or two when I was like 21, but holy damn I would never respect them. I have pondered both sides of the argument, but seriously, if you have no respect for yourself, you will get no respect.

 

 

Have dignity people, I say. That **** is all bad

 

 

I agree people should respect themselves and one nights stands are not the way to go about it.

 

But.....don't you see the irony, you're judging women, but not guys who partake in one night stands.

 

You say, you had a couple of one night stands in the past but you could never respect these girls. Did you feel the same way about yourself?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
hotpotato

hotpotato

Posted
Posted
I agree, always have conversations about expectations, but I guess I am confused in general about bars and sex as I didn't bang drunk girls back in the day. Do women actually think some drunk guy taking them home from a bar is LTR material? I find that preposterous. Are girls really this naive and gullible? :eek:

G

 

That hasnt been my experience. Ive encountered guys who will take you on a date then try to get me home asap. He will make it seem like he wants to cuddle or watch a movie, but he really wants to rip your clothes off.

 

Nowadays that would get an automatic pass from me.

 

Ive even had guys try to tell me how much they liked me just so they could get in my pants.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GoreSP

GoreSP

Posted
Posted
I think ONS are not good for a person, both emotionally and physically. Physically, it puts a person at risk of getting an STD, since you have no idea what the person's sexual health is and condoms don't prevent certain types of STDs, such as genital herpes. It also puts you at physical risk, since you don't know the person. That guy you picked up at the bar, whom you know little to nothing about, could be a serial killer, for all you know. Or that woman you picked up at the bar could be planning to use the opportunity to rip you off. (I do know a man who had that happen--a woman came onto him somewhere, suggested they go back to his place, used the opportunity to case the place for valuables, then let her boyfriend in to rip off the guy). It happens. Not a good plan to put yourself in such a vulnerable position with a total stranger.

 

 

Then there's the emotional toll it takes. Giving of yourself so intimately to someone you don't know or care about. Eventually, it takes a toll on your psychological health.

 

 

This may be the case for you, but please understand that some people have learned to block the emotional side of things and are perfectly capable of having casual sex and maintain their sanity.

:)

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
GoreSP

GoreSP

Posted
Posted
I posted then withdrew this comment.

 

Let's say guy meets girl at bar, they go home together. The girl is not dumb, she knows. In the moment of things, the guy stops and says "hey this is a ONS, your okay with that right" Don't you think the situation would get awkward and she'd be uncomfortable?

 

Since so many women are idiots (...) it's not a bad idea.

My personal reaction would be to answer 'well, duh of course' but you know...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
jay1983

jay1983

Posted
Posted
This may be the case for you, but please understand that some people have learned to block the emotional side of things and are perfectly capable of having casual sex and maintain their sanity.

:)

 

Like the PO said men and women are equal, not the same. That's what I think plays a big part the double standard. When people blame society for being in favor of men, and I can't agree with that completely, something feels different. Women are very emotional, guys aren't they're usually more logical. That's why "I THINK" guys don't feel bad when they sleep around.

Link to post
Share on other sites
KathyM

KathyM

Posted
Posted
This may be the case for you, but please understand that some people have learned to block the emotional side of things and are perfectly capable of having casual sex and maintain their sanity.

:)

Blocking the emotional side is not healthy. Over time, it makes people dissociate their emotions from sex.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
hasaquestion

hasaquestion

Posted
Posted

I don't get why people are so keen to categorize everything.

 

At the end of the day you can do two things:

 

1. Establish personal compatibility first, establish sexual compatibility second, break up if either isn't there.

 

2. Establish sexual compatibility first, establish personal compatibility second, break up if either isn't there.

 

Why is either approach inherently better or worse? Its the same thing just two different to the same thing.

 

It just makes no sense to me.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
jay1983

jay1983

Posted
Posted
Since so many women are idiots (...) it's not a bad idea.

My personal reaction would be to answer 'well, duh of course' but you know...

 

You two are weird, you and ASG, I think y'all grew up in a different region or country, or something.

 

"you know this just a ONS and you might not hear from me again, right" :confused:

 

then

 

"oh I know, you don't have to me that, come on let's do this"

 

THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN

Link to post
Share on other sites
Iguanna

Iguanna

Posted
Posted
Men and women are equal, not the same.

 

Like the PO said men and women are equal, not the same.

 

I said that. :o

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
 Share
Followers 4
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...