Lies and Sketchy Behavior

[Orfeo]

Hi everyone. I need some advice. In a nutshell, my girlfriend (we recently switched to LDR because she's spending a few months in another country) of 1 year has been chatting with another man online for a month or more and has been lying to me about it. I'd like to know if confronting him would be a good idea. I'll provide some details.

 

In addition to phoning, texting and Skyping daily, we joined a chat game where you have an avatar and can interact and chat with others. We gave each other our passwords for our accounts. I only log on when she's online, but she's on it for hours when I'm asleep (10 hour time difference).

 

She's extremely jealous. She's met all my female friends; I've known them since before I met her. I told her I'm ok with her having opposite gender friends but I don't think it's right for her or me to amass a set of new ones after beginning this relationship. At one point she told me to stop talking to my female friends and choose either them and her. The only female I talk to daily is my girlfriend. I don't tell her who she can and can't talk to.

 

In the chat game, she flips out if we're in a public room and a girl comes in and "stands" anywhere near me. She types GET AWAY FROM HIM. I find this to be excessive, especially since she adds guys from the game to her friend list. I told her I don't like this hypocrisy; it's not ok for her to tell me not to do something when she's doing it herself.

 

I started checking her account, which shows messages she's sent and received, and all her missed chat invitations from other people. I kept seeing invitations from a guy; he'd message her saying "I've been waiting for you. I wanted to talk." I don't think anybody would keep inviting someone to private chat if they were rejected all the time, so I was suspicious.

 

I asked how often he invited her and she said once. I called her out on this lie and she got mad because I didn't trust her. Later she admitted that he invites her frequently and, the few times she does chat with him, it's just for 5 minutes and then she leaves. Her having male friends doesn't bother me; her lies do. I told her if she wants him, then she can go. She said she doesn't care about him.

 

We fought and didn't speak for a few days. During this time, I saw that he was inviting her to chat literally every 20 minutes everyday! He sent her messages but she deleted them ASAP so I don't know what was said. After resolving our argument, I saw that he messaged her again. She deleted her replies to him but left his in her inbox.

 

I asked if he knew that she was with me, and she said "I don't know" (which means no). She finally told him that we're together but he still invites her to chat everyday, several times a day. Today he invited her again and she messaged him asking what he wanted. I don't think she needed to message him. Just don't accept the invitation and leave it be.

 

I want her to stop talking to him, but if I tell her this, what if she does it on the sly (maybe make another account or talk to him outside of the game)? I guess I'm waiting to find some damning evidence because I don't want to break up with her just because she's talking to another guy.

 

Should I message him and tell him that she has a boyfriend and that he shouldn't be inviting her to chat all the time? Should I log onto her account and invite him to chat and then confront him? Or should I bide my time until I learn the exact nature of their exchanges?

 

Thank you for reading this and any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, OP, I doubt this relationship will work much longer. Her jealousy issues are destroying it already; she gets mad when female characters stands next to you in a game? Come on! Is she 12? (In all seriousness, how old are both of you? Do you have much relationship experience?)

 

You already know she's lying to you. You know she is controlling and insecure. You know she is an utter hypocrite. Unless and until she addresses these problems, a healthy relationship ins't possible. You say you're afraid she'll continue to contact this guy on the sly if you confront her. Why do you want to be with a person you can't trust? I wouldn't waste my time in a toxic situation like that.

[lolablue17]

I hate liars!

 

After the first time she admitted the lies she should have suggested that you both will stop entering that game site and delete your username and account.

 

That's the only way for her to show you she knows that it's very wrong to lie.

But she continue like nothing happened. She needs a serious shake-up!

 

Did i mention i hate liars?

[Orfeo]

Hi Expat,

 

Thanks for your response. Your bluntness was exactly what I needed to hear, and as I read your reply I realized how ridiculous this whole thing is. I'm 24 and she's 19 (and very immature), which I suspect is a big part of the problem. I'm not inexperienced with relationships, but she's said ours is her first serious one.

 

You're right; this whole thing is toxic and there's no need to be with someone I don't trust. I understand that she's young and doesn't know how to behave in a relationship, so I've always tried to explain her behavior with excuses. She's so inflexible that it's near impossible to have a rational discussion with her whenever a problem arises. She wants to do whatever she pleases and I don't think she understands that her actions affect others.

 

I can't be with her for her potential and I can't be with someone I need to make excuses for. I see now how ridiculous this all is and I think I need to end it. Thank you so much for your response. It's more helpful than you know.

[Orfeo]

Hi lolablue,

 

Thank you for reading and replying to my post. I hate liars, too, and I think it's even more important to be honest now that we're not even living in the same country. If I can't trust her in a game, how can I trust her in her daily life?

 

I know if I lied to her, she'd be furious, but I guess she thinks it's ok to lie to me. I wish she'd delete the game but I doubt that will happen. I think the shake-up will be a break up!

 

Thanks again for your response.