Am not negative am Realistic !!!!

[bluegreen]

Hello to All Good People Here : ))

I shouted little bit here but I really had to really.

I'll try to make this as easy and short as I can.

Over the period of decade I had-have a friend whom

I consider family as well her family is my family to.

She is by no means perfect person and does not show emotions easy but I know she has a heart of gold so far we have never been in fight.

 

 

The issue I started to have is that she is very clear thinks of me as pessimist.

OK I admit I have always been pessimist but I never had a luxury of being anything but always having to be really careful with my choices and having to look at matters from all 4 sides and then upside down.

 

When I talk to her about some issue and use my logic she gets annoyed and thinks am negative.

When I step back and deal it with my own she wonders why i do it why am to proud to ask for help?

 

 

I been biting my tongue for weeks now and am fighting really hard not to snap at her and tell her : well I had no luck to get a inheritance you did and pay off my place, am not married like you and your husband has great job, you pay for no child care cause kids stay at after school program, you don't work or need to plus you get even med insurance and other benefits from government due to having large family.

 

So freaking quit looking at me like am one step from hanging myself just cause I have to think the way I do an NO in no way or shape am jealous of her good fortune NO WAY.

 

 

If I don't do this no one will do it for me EVER

THEN I remember all the years of friendship and few times she really came trough for me and feel deeply ashamed.

 

 

If I tell her all of this I know she will get truly offended If I keep my mouth shut its gonna eat me alive and one day something will slip out.

 

 

So what Do I do ?

 

 

ps: I am pessimist I am but am not depressed am not silting my wrist over issues I have and am not toxic person I just refuse to see "rainbows" where there are none.

[preraph]

I sympathize. One of my very best friends is a goodie two shoes Pollyanna. I am realistic and fairly blunt. Her deal is she lost her mom fairly early and for some reason this caused a couple of big oddities with her and her sister, and then those two continue to validate each other. One is they hate and distrust medicine and medical care. The other is they try never to admit anything is not "the greatest thing ever." It's so annoying. Whatever I say, she contradicts me by trying to point out something "great" about the situation. It ends up just being an argument with her manufacturing delusions from thin air to counter whatever it is I come back at her with (reality).

 

Here is one example how far she'll go trying to be positive and live in denial. Her daughter moved to a criminal section of town with bars on windows where it's unsafe to drive because of carjackings. Decades ago she lived roughly on that side of town but on a gated 10 acre estate. Not at all comparable. This was her daughter's first house My friend was clearly worried about it, enough to have me drive out to it with her to see it (she'd already seen it). It was a decent looking house, the only one on a street of slums with barred windows. Clearly, for an inexperienced young person, this "bargain" was too much for her to pass up.

 

I told her I certainly wouldn't live there, and I know she felt the same way, but because that was negative, all the way back home, she waxed poetic about how much she used to enjoy living near this same area (not really near, just like the same half of town!) and manufactured one justification after another and tried to poo-poo my fears and the crime stats I'd cited her. It was against her philosophy to admit her damn daughter could be in danger! Because she thinks that will make it happen, I guess.

 

Another time, she went in denial and tried to make me look bad over something she herself had told me from her life. Her husband had gone bad, probably from some untreated brain injuries, combined with substances, and so she had a hard time supporting and raising her daughter on her own. I mean, I've heard this whole story many times and I sympathize and am probably one of her only confidantes on it.

 

So she and her daughter were called to his parents' home and they knew his mom was in bad health. My friend was expecting to be told she and/or her daughter would be included in the Will. (Not sure why because they were estranged from her deceased ex and never did anything for him, plus they have other kids and most people leave it to their kids, not grandkids or inlaws). Anyway, she was anticipating this for some time, and then it turned out they were just dragging her into some family squabble and nothing to do with inheritance. So she was disappointed because she was counting on it to help finance her daughter's further education (the daughter who dropped out leaving her with a prepaid $40K bill some years ago.)

 

So I do sympathize, especially since I hate to see her continuing to hand out so much money to her daughter who makes more money than she does. I said I was sorry it didn't happen and that she and her daughter deserved something after the hellish mess her husband (their son) left them in. Well, she got on her high horse and started fighting me about saying she deserved something. Why? Because she was doing her whole positive thing and her first reaction is to contradict anything I say. So even though I was only parroting back to her what she'd told me over and over, now she denied she had a hard time and that it had been a hellish mess raising her kid with no help from anyone. She flat out denied it was anything except roses and sunshine after pouring it all out to me over the years. I just lost it at her and let her have it.

 

I told her she thought she was always being positive, but that contradicting everything anyone said to her that didn't meet her definition of "positive" was actually very aggressively negative. I let her suck on that for awhile, and the excuse she came back with was she did it to tell herself or to bolster herself. I had no mercy. I said, "Well, if you're only meaning it for yourself, then don't say it out loud!"

 

She has backed off some, but little hope it will last forever. At some point you have to back them up against the wall on it. Have your arguments ready beforehand because these type people are built on justifications and superstition!!

[bluegreen]

Yes what you say makes really great sense I feel sometimes not saying anything is better then being cut off or hearing one more "negative" again question?

I was never considered negative for as long as I kept my mouth shut about issues I simply after looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time got freaking tired of pretending lying to myself and others.

 

Now am clear right up to the point and I say things as they are I am who I said in this post and thats actual me but apparently for "positive" folk am NEGATIVE

car wreck waiting to happen.

[preraph]

Tell those idiots that telling someone they're negative is the most negative thing anyone can say to someone and that you consider them negative for doing so. Idiots.

[bluegreen]

I can't exactly do that if it was a stranger .... it would have been easy ....

[jay1983]

Wow you guys sharing real life s**t here lol

 

I know all too well what you guys are talking about. Some people are unrealistically positive, and that forces you to say "no freaking way" or "don't you think...." They're naive people, usually sheltered by parents, spouses, whatever.

 

Had a friend of mine, he was bomb that couldn't hold job and lived with his parents. He watched movies and wanted his life to be something like that. This is not a stupid person, actually very intellectual. He wanted to go to California on his motor cycle and a backpack lol He said "what if I make it to Hollywood and get famous" he wasn't very charismatic and physically didn't look like someone in a movie (maybe he did, but not role he had in mind lol)

 

I'm like what's your plan, where are you gonna stay, work? You can't even survive here where the cost of living a is low. lol He'd say "I don't know, I'm just gonna go, it's my life story" lol He's trying live some picture image in his head.

 

Anything I said to was "NEGATIVE" It's best to just keep quiet and agree with them, tell them what they want to hear. lol If you can't it's bothering you too much then you need to create some distance. Not NC, but you need to figure out how to get away, if possible.

[bluegreen]

Yap and you seems really surprised by that we have our share of trolls but mostly we have "this" people sharing real life **** and helping each other.

[preraph]

I always encourage people to follow their dreams, but if they can't even hold a job and still live with their parents after a certain point, it's more delusion than any goal. You have to leave the house to follow a dream.

[Tayla]

I would caution you in going all out in your words. They do have a sharpness to them. As a person who promotes realistic perspectives, it comes from observing the good and sometimes less pleasing sides. Refrain from tossing mud at this friend. There is a diplomatic way to convey your message that is factual and not offensive. Ease your words and lessen the tone. As a realist ( middle ground kinda view) you'll appreciate that you have balance of the facts. Just as mary sunshines can be toooo up, a pessimist can be dark in their comments and actions. Communication has four levels. Reasoning, validation of thought or feeling, listening, and responding. If any are out of sync the communication fails. Sounds like your friend is in need of improving on one or some of these skills. You seem to have a level mind, use it to resolve the matter, i think you'll fair well.

[bluegreen]

Thank You Tayla I appreciate your words and time you took to answer me.

This is just what am battling with I suck at diplomacy and pretending !!!

Really its not that I don't try I do am just not cut out for it so am still trying to figure out how to say this to her so far am right where I started.

[jay1983]

Thank You Tayla I appreciate your words and time you took to answer me.

This is just what am battling with I suck at diplomacy and pretending !!!

Really its not that I don't try I do am just not cut out for it so am still trying to figure out how to say this to her so far am right where I started.

 

Get away, find something else to do, someone else to hang out with. What happens to her makes no difference in your life.

[jay1983]

I always encourage people to follow their dreams, but if they can't even hold a job and still live with their parents after a certain point, it's more delusion than any goal. You have to leave the house to follow a dream.

 

Well after a while......I told him "go ahead man, go for it!" lol Hell, it doesn't make any difference in my life. lol

 

Then he tried to convince me to go with him. lol I'm like "That's your dream dude" LMAO

Edited April 11, 2014 by jay1983

[bluegreen]

Get away, find something else to do, someone else to hang out with. What happens to her makes no difference in your life.

 

Its not so easy its friendship of years and years you don't just throw away that like yesterdays garbage.

So hopefully with new things in my life I will meet some more people and this community here helps so very much I met some amazing people here.

 

So am still looking for "something" some way to do this

[VeronicaRoss]

It's interesting your friend who won't acknowledge the rough spots has you for a confidant. That's not an accident by any means, you don't go to just anybody when you're really concerned. She clearly needs you and vice versa. You two have teamed up in life!

 

I just wanted to say what you told her, while not the way you wish you had said it, was actually very profound and useful and an act of loyalty. You told her what probably almost no one else will, they probably just walk away and start ignoring her. Her behavior is very disrespectful and rude (I didn't see it quite like that before, but you're right) and I'm sure she's chased off many people with it, they probably didn't bother to tell her why. People usually don't.

 

She'll do it again too, it's so engrained. You might think about a ready made response to those times that is simple, gets the point across and isn't heavy handed. She needs to understand and respect how she is making you feel as a friend in order to adjust herself. It sounds like the real problem in your relationship is that your value is not being acknowledged by her.

 

Also have you ever taken a Myers-Briggs test? They're free on the internet. You might be a personality type that 'see it and tell it like it is'. We are few and far between (my type is less than 5% of the population), but extremely valuable. I'm the youngest in my family but my parents have said several times I should have been the eldest, and it's because of that ability to squarely face reality and figure out a realistic plan while everyone else is freaking out or ignoring the inevitable.

 

You can improve social skills and still retain your value. My point really is don't be down on yourself because of what probably is a real strength. That's why your friend keeps you around!

 

My mother read books by a woman named Catherine Ponder. They were very much "Don't acknowledge negative things, it makes them grow. Think only positively!" Extreme magical thinking ignoring reality isn't so positive. As a result our family dog died of treatable cancer because Mom refused to acknowledge his age and illness. And I could go on. When Oprah endorsed 'The Secret' I was really appalled having lived with that kind of thinking. I wonder if your friend read anything like that.

[preraph]

Well after a while......I told him "go ahead man, go for it!" lol Hell, it doesn't make any difference in my life. lol

 

Then he tried to convince me to go with him. lol I'm like "That's your dream dude" LMAO

 

Right. Truth is, if someone has what it takes to follow their dream, nothing will stop them, although I have motivated some young people to go for it before and made a difference.

 

 

VERONICA ROSS QUOTE: "You might think about a ready made response to those times that is simple, gets the point across and isn't heavy handed. She needs to understand and respect how she is making you feel as a friend in order to adjust herself. It sounds like the real problem in your relationship is that your value is not being acknowledged by her. "

 

^ That is a very good suggestion (but so far she hasn't warmed to me saying "annoooyyyiinnnng." Hah.) And the rest is absolutely, yes, the crux of the problem. She has gone so far as to speak positively about an old BF's exwife who she knew had just lied and skewered me on the band's website. it was only because she had posted something about wanting to live in a locale my friend had visited decades ago that she got stuck on the subject. I told her more than once it was fine if she needed to be interested but not to talk to me about it, and she just didn't listen until I got real strong with her about how disrespectful it was for her to be so disloyal and inconsiderate. Not very "positive" doing that to a loyal old friend. She just has this rut she's got her head in and had it justified years ago and her sister still validates it and keeps it alive. At some point, she said, I'm good, and stopped thinking things through.

 

I probably have taken that test but can't remember one from the other. I know on a test that measures all the facets on a continuum, I just score pretty high in general, meaning strong personality and not all of it is good. I do tend to attract people who want advice, but I do have one real close friend who you can't even give your opinion around without insulting her if it's something about her. So I'm pretty ingrained myself, but few people seem to mind, fortunately!

Edited April 12, 2014 by preraph

[bluegreen]

It's interesting your friend who won't acknowledge the rough spots has you for a confidant. That's not an accident by any means, you don't go to just anybody when you're really concerned. She clearly needs you and vice versa. You two have teamed up in life!

 

I just wanted to say what you told her, while not the way you wish you had said it, was actually very profound and useful and an act of loyalty. You told her what probably almost no one else will, they probably just walk away and start ignoring her. Her behavior is very disrespectful and rude (I didn't see it quite like that before, but you're right) and I'm sure she's chased off many people with it, they probably didn't bother to tell her why. People usually don't.

 

She'll do it again too, it's so engrained. You might think about a ready made response to those times that is simple, gets the point across and isn't heavy handed. She needs to understand and respect how she is making you feel as a friend in order to adjust herself. It sounds like the real problem in your relationship is that your value is not being acknowledged by her.

 

Also have you ever taken a Myers-Briggs test? They're free on the internet. You might be a personality type that 'see it and tell it like it is'. We are few and far between (my type is less than 5% of the population), but extremely valuable. I'm the youngest in my family but my parents have said several times I should have been the eldest, and it's because of that ability to squarely face reality and figure out a realistic plan while everyone else is freaking out or ignoring the inevitable.

 

You can improve social skills and still retain your value. My point really is don't be down on yourself because of what probably is a real strength. That's why your friend keeps you around!

 

My mother read books by a woman named Catherine Ponder. They were very much "Don't acknowledge negative things, it makes them grow. Think only positively!" Extreme magical thinking ignoring reality isn't so positive. As a result our family dog died of treatable cancer because Mom refused to acknowledge his age and illness. And I could go on. When Oprah endorsed 'The Secret' I was really appalled having lived with that kind of thinking. I wonder if your friend read anything like that.

 

 

Hello thank you so much for replying.

Yes am just that kind of person see it as it is say it as it is no beating around bush.

And since as I said I never had luxury of having to be Oh its all pink roses and honey logic user I been more then once called negative by people.

 

Since they are strangers I have no issue to tell them f... off but this is really sticky situation and yeah I could see her as rude when she gets upset cuts me off in middle of the word or leaves conversation cause am just negative !

 

 

It makes me wanna scream and since she has been on some lets all sing cumbaya positive thinking course she became even worse "positive freak"

I still don't know what to tell her for "next time" and am still fuming mad so i sort of avoided talking to her for few days but I can't hide forever.

 

 

 

"how do I say this ladies help me out "

write me few sentences that will not offend her but will get my point across.

 

I been stressed and worried about things I know I will mess it up I KNOW

[Sugarkane]

I get accused of this sometimes too. I'm not sure what to say. Reminds me of when my in laws, don't know anyone who hasn't gotten an inheritance. I hate listening to it. Meanwhile I got zero from my dads side and not even a keepsake from my nan. All I wanted was something simple to remember her by.

[bluegreen]

I get accused of this sometimes too. I'm not sure what to say. Reminds me of when my in laws, don't know anyone who hasn't gotten an inheritance. I hate listening to it. Meanwhile I got zero from my dads side and not even a keepsake from my nan. All I wanted was something simple to remember her by.

 

 

TX anyway for posting

[VeronicaRoss]

Hmmm. How about this...let's call her Nancy.

 

"Nancy, I thought you were looking for my advice and you know how I will tell you what I see, but maybe you just want me to listen instead?"

 

"Just looking for support and not advice then?"

 

"Oh I disagree, but that's just you and me."

 

The tone is everything too. You'll want to say it a smile and a shrug or a pat.

[bluegreen]

Hm its worth thinking about it at least

[Sugarkane]

Why haven't you just cut this person off? You clearly don't like them very much.

[bluegreen]

Go back to my post and read it again.

I don't like who she it seems has become but we are talking less and less anyway so that might be solution to.

 

 

: (((

[SpiralOut]

I have had people say stuff like this to me before when I pissed them off, and it stopped me in my tracks without offending me.

 

 

"I really enjoy these compliments you give me" (after I said something rude)

 

 

"I really enjoy the way that you [something I did]."

 

 

Maybe try saying to your friend, next time she interrupts you "I really enjoy the way that you interrupt me." or "I really enjoy these things that you say to me."

 

 

See how she reacts.

[bluegreen]

It might be very interesting to see that since I have never done it before but was so sorely tempted to do just that.

[Noise Electric]

Ugh.

 

Some people just can't accept that life isn't all sunshine & rainbows so they like to rag on people who shoot holes in their delusions.

 

Frankly I have no idea how you put up with someone like this. I wouldn't.

 

All I can say is that it's her choice if she wants to keep drinking her own Kool-Aid and pretending everything is peachy.

But it's up to you how much involvement you want to have with someone like this in your life.