He's dumping me...

[Phoe]

Well, everyone here wass convinced it would happen, and it would appear my relationship has come to an end.

 

This past week has been alarming. Him behaving strangely, being distant. Me trying my best to both be there for whatever he needed, while also being patient and giving him space.

 

 

I don't know what I did wrong, and I don't know what to do from here.

 

 

He made me VERY uncomfortable a few days, getting very insistent that I play out a fantasy for him. A fantasy involving me hooking up with another guy. I am not okay with this. So then he wanted me to agree to at least flirt with other men. Once again I wasn't okay with this. I am loyal. This was all in the middle of me giving him a blowjob, and after refusing, he went completely soft. I felt very upset... that I wasn't good enough to keep him hard without resorting to the fantasy that I'm uncomfortable with.

 

 

Of all the things.... I am open to so many things to make my man happy sexually, WHY is the one thing he wants, involving me being with another man? It's devestating that sharing me turns him on. I don't want to be shared.

 

 

And then there's the distance... not texting or calling. Suddenly deciding he wants to go out to a bar, disappearing off skype for no apparent reason.

 

 

Today we had a very disheartening conversation where he asked me (for probably the 4th time since we got together) whether I have hooked up with any of my coworkers and said PLEASE be honest I won't get mad at you.

 

 

He clearly is convinced that I have. Why else would he keep asking?

 

 

I am a good girl. I don't hook up. I have gone YEARS between partners because I don't hook up. And what good was it. What good was it valuing myself when it's not gonna be believed anyway and the assumption will be that I hooked up anyway.

 

 

He doesn't trust me. He swears up and down that he does. I think he doesn't even realize that he really doesn't...

 

 

Earlier, after I got out of my bubble bath, I facebooked him saying I'd gotten out of the bath. For whatever STUPID reason, facebook said the message was sent from a town two towns over. I was at home. wtf facebook. So he asks where I am, I say "In my bedroom". He says "No, your gps says you're 2 towns over"

 

 

I'm confused. I don't understand why facebook is being stupid. Then it switches over and says I'm now in my town so he says "Are you driving home from somewhere? Who's bathtub were you in?"

 

 

I tell him I'm home, and to get on skype. Clearly if I'm on skype in my bedroom, I'm home. He doesn't get on skype for another 30 minutes, and is acting quiet and distant and slightly agitated. He cuts the call short.

 

 

Texts me saying things have been weird between us lately. That it's mostly him, for trying to make me do things I don't want to and accusing me and questioning me.

 

 

We keep texting, and the conversation is getting worse and worse. He's unhappy. Things don't feel right. I finally ask if he wants time away from me.

 

 

No response. He never texted back after that. He's no longer responding to me.

 

 

So now here I am, in bed, crying, knowing that for whatever reason, he does not trust me, and he is not happy with me. He has seemed so unhappy for days.

 

 

Just earlier he was saying how in the past with a girlfriend, he'd break up with her in his head everyday, that everyday he wanted to break up with her and just kept putting it off, and that he never felt like that with me. I feel like he said this to convince himself, rather than me.

 

 

Always saying "I'd never leave you! I'd never leave you!" - it was for his own sake. Trying to convince himself...

 

 

He's done with me. won't respond anymore... i gave my all and it wasn't enough.

[Valen]

That guy is disgusting. He wants you to hookup with another man to turn himself on? Sick. Phoe, I hope you can clear your head and see this situation more clearly. Don't let your emotions cloud your judgement. This guy is sick and twisted. You didn't do anything wrong. Be glad this is over, now run and get far away from this guy.

 

Uhhh.. I am so pissed, want to kick his ass.

[lollipopspot]

I'm sorry Phoe This guy's an idiot.

[Kizmet Fisher]

Sounds like he interpreted your accomodating nature as something he could use against you to always get what he wanted, even if it meant crossing your boundaries.

 

You seem so lovely. As hard as it is, try not to let this ********* make you feel like any of this is your fault. It definitely isn't.

[David87]

I'm glad that you didn't hook up with another guy just to satisfy his twisted fantasy.

 

Sorry for your pain

[Smilecharmer]

When men love us, they don't want to hurt us or make us do things that are uncomfortable. I am so sorry Phoe, I went back and read some of your other threads and think this guy has some issues with control. This is not your fault. It is a hole within him that he needs to address before being in a romantic relationship. I am so glad you didn't move in with him and his mother. I guess he really showed you who he really is.

[pickflicker]

Sorry to hear this, my love. I'm a giver too, and I know how frustrating it is when people take advantage of your accommodating nature.

 

You're an awesome woman and you deserve much more than some idiot man-child.

 

Many hugs to you, and always feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

[Ajax]

Rather than him dumping you, I think it should be the other way around. From your other threads, and now this one, this man has caused you more distress over the past few months than happiness. And while breaking up is never easy to do, in this case I'm afraid it's the lesser of two evils.

 

I know you're loyal, Phoe. You're not a quitter either, which is partly why you're having such a difficult time with this. But those qualities have to go both ways in a relationship, and for some reason your boyfriend isn't capable of them.

[Emilia]

It's not you. The only mistake you made was getting very serious very quickly with someone you didn't know properly. This is what I meant by saying you can't force the pace of a relationship, it takes time to get to know a person, to trust them to give them so much of yourself.

[gaius]

Gotta make a guy respect you or he's not gonna value you. =/

 

I'd be surprised if that's the last time you hear from him though.

[regine_phalange]

I'm sorry that you are sad. He doesn't deserve you. The way he has handled your relationship is pathetic. He is pathetic, and you will realize in time.

[melell]

Sorry Phoe

 

Honestly, some people are just not mature/secure enough to actually be part of a healthy relationship- and it is really sad.

You did your best, that is all the matters, you should feel proud of yourself for doing so, and you should only feel sad that he was unable to do the same.

 

Onwards and upwards

[Iguanna]

There were so many signs that he was a jerk, but you, just like me, want to get inside the s hit, swim in it and then realize what you are doing and go away from s hit. I know you don't believe it now but what happened will eventually be for your own good. After I broke up with my ex 5 years ago I was devastated like you, I was wondering why he left me after I gave him all as you said. We are insecure people and giving for us means that we deserve to get things also. Anyway I met my bf after that and now I can tell the difference. A man who loves you will have as a goal in his life to make you happy and not miserable or control you and put you in a cage like this guy was trying to do. There will be a time soon that you'll make a thread here saying "Thank you for leaving me jerk and bye bye". Trust me. Every end is a new beginning.

[Haydn]

Sorry Phoe,

 

Not for you. Pushing on with you.

[somedude81]

Wow Phoe, that really sucks.

 

All of the things you wrote screams very loudly of him projecting on to you.

 

It really looks like he cheated, and he's trying to pretend it was you who is being unfaithful so he can feel better about what he's done.

 

Even if he hasn't cheated, his behavior is still extremely odd and controlling.

 

Please don't feel like you did anything wrong. All of us here can see that you tried very hard to accommodate him, and to be the best GF you can be. If your best wasn't good enough for him, then that's his problem not yours.

[pickflicker]

Wow Phoe, that really sucks.

 

All of the things you wrote screams very loudly of him projecting on to you.

 

It really looks like he cheated, and he's trying to pretend it was you who is being unfaithful so he can feel better about what he's done.

 

Even if he hasn't cheated, his behavior is still extremely odd and controlling.

 

Please don't feel like you did anything wrong. All of us here can see that you tried very hard to accommodate him, and to be the best GF you can be. If your best wasn't good enough for him, then that's his problem not yours.

 

This. People who are paranoid of cheating, are usually doing the cheating.

 

Gaslighting is a bitch.

[Els]

The only thing you 'did wrong', IMO, was to let him walk all over you, and to be desperate to please him. Nobody will value and respect you until you value and respect yourself.

 

That being said, he's still an insecure asshat and I'm sorry he did this to you. I'm glad you've decided not to contact him further. When you're ready to date again, I hope you notice the pattern in your relationships - you are so concerned and insecure about making your man happy, that it affects how they perceive you (or whom you attract to begin with).

 

I know girls like you in real life, Phoe. So very accommodating and desire to please. They have always had trouble with relationships. It works against you. You need to strike a balance. Look at your opening post; he did all that to you and your question is, "I wonder what I did wrong?"

[Keenly]

The worst things always seem to happen to best people. It was nothing you did or did not do my friend, because this man is just not quite right in the head.

 

 

For what my opinions worth, I think you are amazing. If I can see that over the internet, while he can't see it in person, then he is blind.

 

It would seem our romantic lives share similar fates as well.

 

Your breakup touches me as if it were my own.

[iris219]

i gave my all and it wasn't enough.

 

You gave too much to someone who didn't deserve it.

 

This guy sounds strange. Isn't he super religious? Yet he wants you to sleep with other guys. I wonder if accusing you of cheating was part of his sexual fantasy?

 

Thank goodness you didn't move in with him.

 

I'm sorry he hurt you, Phoe.

[mammasita]

Phoe - I echo the statements that you gave too much and and tried too hard to please someone who didn't deserve it.

 

I've done the same many times over. Wondering what I did wrong when I gave everything I possibly could. Wondering why he walked away from me when I bent over backwards and did everything humanly possible to please him.

 

Its codependent behavior. Not saying you are necessarily codependent, but I certainly was/am.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but please when he contacts you - don't give in. I'm afraid you will

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have a feeling this is not over yet. It would be so much better if it indeed was over. Phoe would be free to meet a man that really deserves her.

[somedude81]

I have a feeling this is not over yet. It would be so much better if it indeed was over.

Yeah I got a feeling that he will come back with apologies and being sweet, saying that he will change.

 

That is the cycle of abuse.

 

Please be strong Phoe and don't get sucked into that.

 

 

Phoe would be free to meet a man that really deserves her.

She really deserves to meet a man who is good enough for her. One who will respect her and not play stupid games. One who can truly appreciate her for who she is.

[xxoo]

Pushing you to flirt with other guys, accusing you repeatedly of hooking up with coworkers and/or lying, evading communication....

 

None of this is normal or acceptable. Why would you accept it?

 

Plot twist: dump him first!

[CaliGypsy]

It's not you. You didn't do anything wrong. His behavior just seems off to me. ( read your other threads about this guy also)

 

 

Go back and reread your other posts about him and this one. Try doing it neutrally as if someone else had written them. What advice would you give? At this point, knowing what you know about him, why do you want to be with him.

 

You seem like such a nice woman. You have a lot to offer and deserve a quality man. Honestly? It sounds like the stuff he was accusing of like hooking up with co workers was a turn on for him. ( basing that on his fantasy of you with

another man)

[veggirl]

Phoe, I'm sorry you're hurting. You deserve a respectful guy, he was never that. You deserve someone who makes you feel content and at peace, not insecure and on edge. I really love elswyths post and I think you should take it to heart. You do seem to have some self esteem issues (from your romantic history) that need to be sorted...you'll attract much more healthy, good for phoe partners.