He's dumping me...

[gaius]

This is probably going to sound harsh, but you've been putting up with his nonsense for so long I'm sure as a guy he's completly turned off. So he's trying to find a new way in his mind to make you appealing again. Which I don't blame you for saying no to.

 

He'll come back around at some point if he doesn't have any other options or wants to use you for something but that's probably the extent of what you'll get from now on. And the next time he leaves it will be even harsher. Because that's how you've taught him to treat you.

 

I really like you Phoe and wish you all the happiness in the world but if you don't analyze and make changes this is going to become a repeating pattern with guys. There's no guy who's gonna love and cherish you when you apoligize to men when they wrong you.

[lollipopspot]

Gotta make a guy respect you or he's not gonna value you. =/

 

The only thing you 'did wrong', IMO, was to let him walk all over you, and to be desperate to please him. Nobody will value and respect you until you value and respect yourself.

 

I'm wondering exactly how to make someone respect you, or show that you respect yourself?

 

he wants me to give another man a blowjob. He so turned on by it that without it, he struggles to stay turned on with me.

 

He reminds me of these ultra religious guys who get busted leading a double life. He's probably going to make his future children very embarrassed someday.

[gaius]

I'm wondering exactly how to make someone respect you, or show that you respect yourself?

If they give you crap, you give them crap back. If they wrong you then you force them to make up for it. You don't always be the one to apologize, to roll over, to be the bigger person. The first time he got mad at her for not driving over there when she had a headache she should have ignored him for a week in retaliation, or at least fought back. But she got some awful advice here and now it's too late. I feel partially responsible.

[Grumpybutfun]

Phoe, I've read this post several times today, too mad at this guy to write anything but I think I have calmed down now. The sad truth is that Your relationship with this guy has had many red flags, many that were toxic, many that were controlling and many that just showed him to be a jerkoff. People who love and respect you don't throw tantrums when you don't move in with them or not speak to you if you don't feel like coming over to see them at night. They certainly don't try to pressure you into sucking some stronger off by acting like they cannot get it up otherwise.

 

My girl is the most important person in my world and I treat her with kindness, regard and I respect that she has her own mind, her own life. I am honored that she lets me be in her life because she is so sweet, intelligent and loving she could have anyone she wants. I certainly would not want her even touching another man for my entertainment because her worth is beyond something of that ilk to me. Gaius is right, you have to stop letting men treat you poorly then apologizing and trying to fix everything for them. This guy took you for granted, then he started using your sweetness and laid back attitude to try to control you. He is a jerk to you. I know it may be hard to see because he did everything you needed a guy to do to bond with you at first, but the quick paced relationships and declarations are often the tactics of men who know how to draw a woman in and then blame them for anything that irritates him or blame you for anything that is going wrong in his life. He has conditioned you to see his drama as legitimate by giving you just enough romantic and social bonding to make him seem like your type.

 

If it is healthy, it doesn't hurt. If it is good for you, it doesn't leave you confused and sad. If he is truly out for your good he doesn't get angry and controlling when you don't do what he wants or make you do things that go against your entire morals and values. I don't even know you and I would know that to ask you to do something like that inside of a romantic relationship would break your heart.

 

I know you have had some rough breaks and the men in your life have not mirrored your strength of character or integrity, but you must allow that it is better to be alone than to be with someone who intentionally does something to hurt you and crush your spirit.

You deserve much better,

Grumps

[hoping2heal]

Oh good grief, where is the quadruple like button for Grumpybutfun's post??!

 

Print that sucker off and read it to yourself every time you feel bad.

 

Could change your life.

[pickflicker]

If they give you crap, you give them crap back. If they wrong you then you force them to make up for it. You don't always be the one to apologize, to roll over, to be the bigger person. The first time he got mad at her for not driving over there when she had a headache she should have ignored him for a week in retaliation or at least fought back. But she got some awful advice here and now it's too late. I feel partially responsible.

 

That is the absolute worst thing to do in the face of conflict. If anyone - a friend, a partner, a work colleague, ANYONE, did this to me after I made a mistake or said the wrong thing, they'd come back to find me ignoring them for eternity.

 

I had a friend call me a c**t a couple of weeks back. She knows I hate that word. It was resolved in 15 seconds:

 

Me: You know I don't like that word. Please don't do it again.

Her: I'm sorry, it won't happen again.

 

Problem solved.

 

Phoe *did* fight back. There were far more red flags than just this. By all means, take a break from a conflict and revisit once calm and collected, but to spitefully ignore someone as a relationship power play is ridiculous.

[BC1980]

I think you should dump him. There were red flags with his control issues, and, now, he just vanishes from a text conversation. I'm so glad you didn't move in with him when he wanted to early on. From reading your previous threads, you deserve much better.

 

You sound like me in that you are a giver, but there's got to be a limit. In my last relationship, I was the one making the sacrifices, doing the apologizing, changing what he wanted. However, there was still always something I needed to change or do differently according to my ex. It didn't work out well for me. I was dumped and left with the realization that I had all but sold my sound for someone who didn't care. Phoe, you are worth more, and I wouldn't stay with this guy. Don't let it get to the point I got to.

Edited April 11, 2014 by BC1980

[Forever Learning]

Well, everyone here wass convinced it would happen, and it would appear my relationship has come to an end.

 

This past week has been alarming. Him behaving strangely, being distant. Me trying my best to both be there for whatever he needed, while also being patient and giving him space.

 

 

I don't know what I did wrong, and I don't know what to do from here.

 

 

He made me VERY uncomfortable a few days, getting very insistent that I play out a fantasy for him. A fantasy involving me hooking up with another guy. I am not okay with this. So then he wanted me to agree to at least flirt with other men. Once again I wasn't okay with this. I am loyal. This was all in the middle of me giving him a blowjob, and after refusing, he went completely soft. I felt very upset... that I wasn't good enough to keep him hard without resorting to the fantasy that I'm uncomfortable with.

 

 

Of all the things.... I am open to so many things to make my man happy sexually, WHY is the one thing he wants, involving me being with another man? It's devestating that sharing me turns him on. I don't want to be shared.

 

 

And then there's the distance... not texting or calling. Suddenly deciding he wants to go out to a bar, disappearing off skype for no apparent reason.

 

 

Today we had a very disheartening conversation where he asked me (for probably the 4th time since we got together) whether I have hooked up with any of my coworkers and said PLEASE be honest I won't get mad at you.

 

 

He clearly is convinced that I have. Why else would he keep asking?

 

 

I am a good girl. I don't hook up. I have gone YEARS between partners because I don't hook up. And what good was it. What good was it valuing myself when it's not gonna be believed anyway and the assumption will be that I hooked up anyway.

 

 

He doesn't trust me. He swears up and down that he does. I think he doesn't even realize that he really doesn't...

 

 

Earlier, after I got out of my bubble bath, I facebooked him saying I'd gotten out of the bath. For whatever STUPID reason, facebook said the message was sent from a town two towns over. I was at home. wtf facebook. So he asks where I am, I say "In my bedroom". He says "No, your gps says you're 2 towns over"

 

 

I'm confused. I don't understand why facebook is being stupid. Then it switches over and says I'm now in my town so he says "Are you driving home from somewhere? Who's bathtub were you in?"

 

 

I tell him I'm home, and to get on skype. Clearly if I'm on skype in my bedroom, I'm home. He doesn't get on skype for another 30 minutes, and is acting quiet and distant and slightly agitated. He cuts the call short.

 

 

Texts me saying things have been weird between us lately. That it's mostly him, for trying to make me do things I don't want to and accusing me and questioning me.

 

 

We keep texting, and the conversation is getting worse and worse. He's unhappy. Things don't feel right. I finally ask if he wants time away from me.

 

 

No response. He never texted back after that. He's no longer responding to me.

 

 

So now here I am, in bed, crying, knowing that for whatever reason, he does not trust me, and he is not happy with me. He has seemed so unhappy for days.

 

 

Just earlier he was saying how in the past with a girlfriend, he'd break up with her in his head everyday, that everyday he wanted to break up with her and just kept putting it off, and that he never felt like that with me. I feel like he said this to convince himself, rather than me.

 

 

Always saying "I'd never leave you! I'd never leave you!" - it was for his own sake. Trying to convince himself...

 

 

He's done with me. won't respond anymore... i gave my all and it wasn't enough.

 

Hi Phoe! I have only read this and nothing else in this thread (I am getting the kids ready for school, I shouldn't even be on Love Shack right now damn it!! )

 

But anyhow - wow, your boyfriend sounds like a really confused dude!!

 

I am only going by what you wrote above - I haven't even read much else of what you've written about him (like, almost nothing that I can recall).

 

But just going by what you wrote above, you need to get rid of this dude. He will make you crazy in the long run.

 

I know, I stayed for 16 years with a messed up dude (married him, had kids). So I really do know from experience, life is too short to spend time with confused people who make you feel bad.

 

He has MAJOR issues, your boyfriend.

 

The not trusting you, and the wanting you to be with other guys. TO HELL WITH THAT CRAP!

 

Please, I beg you, dump this dude and don't look back. Find a nice guy who is honest, trusting, trustworthy, and worthy of your time and love. Don't cast your pearls to swine, as they say. That is a phrase from the bible, and it's 100% true!

 

It will hurt at first to go No Contact. Might hurt for a while. But in the long run, it is most definitely for the very best. This guy is a mess. You don't need his mess in your life and in your head.

 

There are alot of things you can do to busy yourself and distract yourself during the No Contact phase. Gotta run. All the best to you hun!

[mercuryshadow]

This is probably going to sound harsh, but you've been putting up with his nonsense for so long I'm sure as a guy he's completly turned off. So he's trying to find a new way in his mind to make you appealing again. Which I don't blame you for saying no to.

 

He'll come back around at some point if he doesn't have any other options or wants to use you for something but that's probably the extent of what you'll get from now on. And the next time he leaves it will be even harsher. Because that's how you've taught him to treat you.

 

I really like you Phoe and wish you all the happiness in the world but if you don't analyze and make changes this is going to become a repeating pattern with guys. There's no guy who's gonna love and cherish you when you apoligize to men when they wrong you.

 

 

This is true. I feel so far removed from my ex who was like this with me that it didn't come to mind immediately, but reading his post stirred up some memories for me. My ex and I played this same kind of deluded song and dance for a little over 5 years. Sick. He'd do the most terrible things to me, say the most messed up sh*t that even his own mother would urge me to leave him, yet, I'd stay. Any time he'd play one of his sick games, I'd transfer the blame to myself, and look for ways to remedy the situation when in fact, I had done NOTHING wrong. I felt trapped by the dynamic, so much so, that I didn't see it then. Gaius is spot on with this aspect of your relationship. I hope you find the clarity to see things for what they truly are.

[Phoe]

Well yesterday afternoon he texted me saying there's a reason for everything he's done.

 

OK. Vague. Whatever.

 

 

His truck is broken down and he needed to be picked up 2 towns over so I agreed to go get him.

 

 

 

 

We sat in my truck and talked.

 

 

From what I gather, he was testing me. He said he trusts me, and just needed to ask those questions over and over knowing that the answer wasn't gonna change, but kinda like what a previous poster said, wanted to "Sherlock" his way into making sure I had never done anything. And I guess, by giving me PERMISSION to hook up with someone else and saying that he WANTED it, by me continually refusing he knew I was really truly loyal.

 

 

It was a test. He totally and completely mind****ed me for a TEST.

 

 

The reason he got distant is because he was afraid I was done with him after refusing the fantasy. He was worried I'd leave, so he got distant.

 

 

And the reason for testing me? The reason for asking probing questions and making me feel that he didn't trust me.

 

 

He put a massive deposit down on a ring last weekend. A Wedding Ring.

 

 

He asked me to marry him. Said we could go down to city hall tomorrow and get a marriage license.

 

 

I said no.

 

 

What the ****? WHY.

 

 

I can't believe I got put through all that for him to propose and ask me to skip a wedding and just marry him in city hall.

 

 

none of that is what I want. what the ****.

[Babolat]

Sorry to hear this Phoe; you are one of my favorite LSers.

 

I have not read all of the replies, only page 1. His actions & behaviors sound controlling to me. My best guess is you would have started to see more controlling actions and behaviors, maybe even violence.

 

You know what to do, go NC.

 

And move to Virginia!

[KaliLove]

Woah. Just...woah.

 

You are an amazing woman..I admire you so much. You've gone through so much with him and with your family and you had the strength not to just fall back into his arms and say yes.

 

You are a super hero and I hope you're very very very proud of yourself right now.

[clia]

Get out of this relationship now.

 

Seriously. Your boyfriend has mental problems.

 

I do not believe for a second that this was just a trust exercise. Even if it was, that is bad enough. But I do not think you have heard the last from him about this. He's trying to backtrack now because he saw that it freaked you out. It will come up again.

 

From day one this guy has been pushing the relationship along at lightning speed. You met him in December and became exclusive after the first date. Since then he has pressured you to move in with him several times and now to marry him? After four months?

 

No. Just no. There are red flags blazing all of the place.

 

I thought he didn't have the money for you guys to get a place of your own? And now he's put a down payment on a ring. None of his actions make sense. None of them.

 

For your own sake, get out of this.

 

If you do insist on staying with him, do not move in with him in July as you planned. You really need to get to know this guy better before you take such a big step. At least a year, if not two years. I think there are more surprises in store.

[Keenly]

This guys is the psycho girlfriend that men talk about.

 

 

Dude wants to get married? Hasn't it just been since December?

 

 

 

 

 

Wow. We all know you aren't stupid. We don't even have to give you advice, we know you'll do what needs to be done.

[Babolat]

I just read the marriage comments. Wow, I am speechless. He has serious issues, he is running scared IMHO at this point that he has and will lose you.

 

Reminds me of my ex gf, when her ex fiance accused her of cheating and hit her. After "talking it out" he proposed to her. Her dumb ass accepted. He later cheated on her and hit her again. Then she moved out.

 

Do you want this for the next 3, 6, 12+ months of your life..these kinds of "tests?" The tests will get worst, and the results will, too.

 

You come across on here as an amazing woman, who is better than this, though I know what it feels like as I went thru 12+ months of hell with my ex gf; I allowed it though. We tried again, too much history and still to much hell for me. Life is too short to question yourself, change for someone, put up with less than you deserve.

 

Be authentic Phoe!

[Tressugar]

This guy did you a favor. Thank him for dumping you and move on. He's not worth your tears.

[TAV]

You said NO!! Good!!!

 

Feel blessed that he showed you his true colours this early on. You were nice enough to listen to his story. Now move on. There are bigger and better things in your future.

 

Keenly is not single, is he?

[somedude81]

This dude is psycho.

 

Thank God you said no.

 

Phoe, I hope you realize that things will only get worse from now on.

[Babolat]

somedude81 meet Phoe, Phoe, meet somedude81!

 

My attempt at lightening the mood and being a match maker since you are both having your struggles.

[somedude81]

somedude81 meet Phoe, Phoe, meet somedude81!

 

My attempt at lightening the mood and being a match maker since you are both having your struggles.

Ha ha. While I appreciate the attempt, and I have not hidden my interest in Phoe, now is not the time for that.

 

She needs to get this part of her life sorted out and then process everything that's happened to her.

 

Right now I'm actually a little scared for her because her BF is showing signs of being very controlling. I don't want to see what happens when he starts getting mad.

[serial muse]

Do you want this for the next 3, 6, 12+ months of your life..these kinds of "tests?" The tests will get worst, and the results will, too.

 

So much this.

 

Please please please please get away from him ASAP. This mindf*ckery is only the beginning. That he in any way thinks he's justified in putting you through all this, making you miserable - that is NOT a good partner and that is NOT love. It's about control.

[BC1980]

He's got more issues than we can figure out he's paranoid to say the least, and it looks like he wants marriage to control you. You didn't move in, so he's looking for a way to get you under his thumb. He's probably used to attracting submissive women, so this isn't working well for him.

[Iguanna]

People who love you don't make you take tests. For God's sake!

[kodakgirl]

Aww, sweetheart, I am SO sorry to read all this!!!! You well and truly do not deserve to be going through this. What the HELL is wrong with him? Your last post about the marriage thing gave me chills... that is seriously creepy. Let alone the fact that is has not been very long, you've given no indication of wanting to get married NOW, AND he completely ignored your feelings on what you would want a proposal and wedding to be like. I think if a wedding proposal, of all things, is creepy and bizarre... you need to run the opposite direction.

 

I am really sorry it has gone this way... you know I relate to you very much and think the world of you, and I was so happy when it all started out so great. But you have to remember that no matter how great something starts out, it has to STAY just as great or it isn't great at all. (I actually just read a very good article on that exact thing: We can?t keep trying to recapture the beginning of a relationship; we?ve got the present to live in | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue ).

 

You are a total sweetheart and a total catch and an ideal girlfriend... he is a creep with major issues who doesn't appreciate that. It's not fair that you've drawn his lot when you deserve someone who is amazing all the way down, but the sooner you can get past him, the closer you'll be to just the right fellow and the right relationship. You know we are ALL rooting for you.

[Keenly]

You said NO!! Good!!!

 

Feel blessed that he showed you his true colours this early on. You were nice enough to listen to his story. Now move on. There are bigger and better things in your future.

 

Keenly is not single, is he?

 

Phoe would break my heart