Smurf03 Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 I think the way and reason a relationship ends is quite an important factor in the chances of reconciliation down the line. Does anyone have any opinions on this or experiences to draw from? What are the optimum break up circumstances? I know what you are supposed to do after the break up to make the chances of them wanting you back more likely (Strict NC, appearing to be having fun etc). When I say reconciliation, I mean THEM wanting YOU back, not necessarily the other way round!! Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 If you are to have any chance, wish them the best in life and let them know you're moving on. Then improve yourself, go to the gym, get a better paid job etc. You have to switch it around, imagine she was the one wanting to get back with you. Would you want somebody you had chosen to say goodbye to because they asked? Probably not. But if she had sorted out her life, you'd be much more likely to have an interest. The Side effect of sorting out your life will probably mean you'll meet somebody better anyway. Good luck and we've all been there. It will get better. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smurf03 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 Thank you very much for your advice I am doing exactly what you have suggested, I've got my head screwed on. However I don't think I was very clear haha! Sorry! I meant how does the way a relationship ends affect the chances of them wanting you back. Are the chances better if you still loved each other at the time of breakup? Or not? If it was a messy or clean break? Etc etc Link to post Share on other sites
James9912 Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Know the feeling, currently in the middle of a similar situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mangetout Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 I think there is more chance of a reconciliation when both partners are still madly in love each other. No matter what. If one partner says that have fallen out of love then the BU is permanent 1 Link to post Share on other sites
melell Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 I think the way and reason a relationship ends is quite an important factor in the chances of reconciliation down the line. Does anyone have any opinions on this or experiences to draw from? What are the optimum break up circumstances? I know what you are supposed to do after the break up to make the chances of them wanting you back more likely (Strict NC, appearing to be having fun etc). When I say reconciliation, I mean THEM wanting YOU back, not necessarily the other way round!! Any thoughts? My ex wanting me back quite desperately a few months after our break up (semi mutual bu). We had lived together for several years prior. I would say that the most beneficial approach is handling the breakup rationally, but 99% of time emotions are in overdrive so that doesn't happen. The less erratic you are the better. Ultimately, the ex has to love you/not have fallen out of love. Better yourself all you want, but for me, that makes me no more inclined to reconcile. If I have fallen out of love that is the end for me, no amount of money, good job, nice body etc wins me over. Unfortunately appearing to be doing well, being cold, nc etc won't usually win someone over if the feelings are gone. If it does make someone want to reconcile it is usually on a superficial level, followed by being dumped yet again a little later on. If someone has lost feelings there is nothing you can do- it is one of those things in life we can't control no matter how much we which we could. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smurf03 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 My ex wanting me back quite desperately a few months after our break up (semi mutual bu). We had lived together for several years prior. I would say that the most beneficial approach is handling the breakup rationally, but 99% of time emotions are in overdrive so that doesn't happen. The less erratic you are the better. Ultimately, the ex has to love you/not have fallen out of love. Better yourself all you want, but for me, that makes me no more inclined to reconcile. If I have fallen out of love that is the end for me, no amount of money, good job, nice body etc wins me over. Unfortunately appearing to be doing well, being cold, nc etc won't usually win someone over if the feelings are gone. If it does make someone want to reconcile it is usually on a superficial level, followed by being dumped yet again a little later on. If someone has lost feelings there is nothing you can do- it is one of those things in life we can't control no matter how much we which we could. Thats interesting. My BF of 4 years broke up with me, then threw me breadcrumbs after 2 weeks NC. I bit the bullet and asked him why he was talking to me, to which he replied that he was sad, lonely, still in love and missing me. I quickly told him to stop contacting me, only contact if you want to reconcile. End of. Reasons for the break up were that although he still loves me very much, he has his own demons to handle and can't be with anyone. We were approaching a stage in our relationship where serious committment had to be discussed. I agreed with him, he probably cant be in a relationship just now and does need some space. So i've planned to have NC for a good while, to give us time and space to figure out if we really do want to start a NEW relationship together in the future. I'm pretty certain that we can be great together, given time. Although i willl NOT wait about for him. I'm interested in your opinion, i thought strict NC/bettering myself etc was the way to go. Would you disagree? Link to post Share on other sites
flight E Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 In my view it depends on y u broke up. Then if it's for beibg clingy no contact is best. Also if u dumped for someone else. Be that as it may contact has to resumed to make reconciliation possible. I don't believe if one is not in love its not possible. Love is emotion. Love can be induced. But the person trying to induce love cannot do so if he/her is in love so there is the contradiction. Most of the time if you remain detached and follow the rules of seduction, you can make your ex fall again. You must have given sometime to clear you own emotions, however. I know most won't agree with this but I think it's the fact, the only thing that gets in the way is our emotions Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 I know that the most attractive thing is when you're not there anymore. When you start dressing nicely. Use that smile of yours. If you meat say hey with a smile then walk away. Don't be afraid of hanging with girls. Pretty much like you're single and happy with it. But if you need to change yourself for a person I think it's not worth it. Who says they are perfect?. I mean look. If they are dating you and they don't think you're good enough. Then why the heck did they date you in the first place? Because they aren't any better themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
tlegend Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 If you are to have any chance, wish them the best in life and let them know you're moving on. Then improve yourself, go to the gym, get a better paid job etc. You have to switch it around, imagine she was the one wanting to get back with you. Would you want somebody you had chosen to say goodbye to because they asked? Probably not. But if she had sorted out her life, you'd be much more likely to have an interest. The Side effect of sorting out your life will probably mean you'll meet somebody better anyway.. Great post. I wish more people would read your post and reflect on it. Link to post Share on other sites
melell Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Thats interesting. My BF of 4 years broke up with me, then threw me breadcrumbs after 2 weeks NC. I bit the bullet and asked him why he was talking to me, to which he replied that he was sad, lonely, still in love and missing me. I quickly told him to stop contacting me, only contact if you want to reconcile. End of. Reasons for the break up were that although he still loves me very much, he has his own demons to handle and can't be with anyone. We were approaching a stage in our relationship where serious committment had to be discussed. I agreed with him, he probably cant be in a relationship just now and does need some space. So i've planned to have NC for a good while, to give us time and space to figure out if we really do want to start a NEW relationship together in the future. I'm pretty certain that we can be great together, given time. Although i willl NOT wait about for him. I'm interested in your opinion, i thought strict NC/bettering myself etc was the way to go. Would you disagree? Sometimes I think it takes several months before someone to really know if they are in love, or not in love. Once all of that attachment has been dissolved (which happens in the first few months of nc) you are either left feeling glad it is over, or really in love. It is my opinion that you should not listen to a word the ex says in those first few months because 99.9% of the time neither person is thinking clearly in that time. I hate to say it, but if he really felt strongly for you the break wouldn't likely be happening at all- of course there are exceptions-but generally 'love' trumps personal demons and what not. Strict nc, and bettering yourself will make you feel great about yourself, it is absolutely the way to go- but if your ex isn't in love with you, it will make very little difference to how things pan out there. Link to post Share on other sites
melell Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 If you are to have any chance, wish them the best in life and let them know you're moving on. Then improve yourself, go to the gym, get a better paid job etc. You have to switch it around, imagine she was the one wanting to get back with you. Would you want somebody you had chosen to say goodbye to because they asked? Probably not. But if she had sorted out her life, you'd be much more likely to have an interest. The Side effect of sorting out your life will probably mean you'll meet somebody better anyway. Good luck and we've all been there. It will get better. My issue with this is that in better oneself with the idea of reconciliation at the core of it, can actually be detrimental. It can lead to putting the ex on a pedestal. You shouldn't really define yourself by the level of interest you get from an ex- that is a slippery slope to crushing your self worth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tlegend Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 My issue with this is that in better oneself with the idea of reconciliation at the core of it, can actually be detrimental. It can lead to putting the ex on a pedestal. You shouldn't really define yourself by the level of interest you get from an ex- that is a slippery slope to crushing your self worth. I think he meant to say substitute the irrational ideas of reconciliation with the motivation to better oneself...and along the way, chances are you'll meet someone. Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Whatever the reasons for improving yourself and gaining confidence to move on, it can only be a good thing. By exercising your serotonin levels will increase, so you'll feel better. By learning new things or getting a better job, your self esteem will be improved. By then you will not need your ex like you did. My ex did these things which made her more attractive to me. Does that make me shallow? I don't think so. I knew I always loved her, but there were obstacles in the way. By her improving herself, it showed me we could get through difficult times together, which we would have had, due to families etc. But anyway, when I wanted her, she had moved on which is fair enough. So I am doing the same, but she is looking at my linked in, so maybe there is still love there? But my plan is to improve and if it happens, it happens. She has to make the first move, as I have to respect that she has probably moved on. If no move is made, I'll be in a better place to meet somebody new. Love is not logical. In some way, I'll always love her, but that means allowing her to move on if that's her desire. Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted April 12, 2014 Share Posted April 12, 2014 Whatever the reasons for improving yourself and gaining confidence to move on, it can only be a good thing. By exercising your serotonin levels will increase, so you'll feel better. By learning new things or getting a better job, your self esteem will be improved. By then you will not need your ex like you did. My ex did these things which made her more attractive to me. Does that make me shallow? I don't think so. I knew I always loved her, but there were obstacles in the way. By her improving herself, it showed me we could get through difficult times together, which we would have had, due to families etc. But anyway, when I wanted her, she had moved on which is fair enough. So I am doing the same, but she is looking at my linked in, so maybe there is still love there? But my plan is to improve and if it happens, it happens. She has to make the first move, as I have to respect that she has probably moved on. If no move is made, I'll be in a better place to meet somebody new. Love is not logical. In some way, I'll always love her, but that means allowing her to move on if that's her desire. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 Sure does. For example, if I found out he'd left me for another girl I'd laugh in his face if he ever intended to even think of being back with me. Of course, insults and offensive stuff should be left out of the "final speech" as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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