Do some people subconsciously TRY to get divorced?

[M30USA]

The subconscience is very complicated. People may find themselves doing things in life they rationally know are stupid. When some people get married, I believe they subconsciously want it to end. Yet they still may get married because they want kids, etc. When I reflect on the actions of my ex-wife, it seems that she always was trying to DRIVE me away. It's almost like she wanted to return to her previous life with her family and just use me to get a few kids and provide for her. Do you think it's possible that people do this subconsciously?

Edited April 10, 2014 by M30USA

[carhill]

IMO, 'souring the milk' to create an environment ripe for divorce can be a purposeful, conscious decision, or it can result from deeper psychological instincts and motivations which the person may not even be consciously aware of. In the latter case, attachment style disorders might be one example.

 

I saw some of this in my own M where I lacked the will to directly file for divorce but, later, with the help of MC, saw the deficiencies, was able to work through them and we were able to divorce. The process prior, though, that 'subconsciously trying to get divorced' wasted a couple years of our lives and I trust caused my exW substantial pain. The circumstances were situational but an important lesson regarding situations and how to better cope with and respond to life's 'curves'.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Sure. Absolutely. This happens in relationships (non-married ones) as well. The person wants "out" whether consciously or not, but doesn't want to be the "bad guy."

 

My boyfriend just before my STBXH pretty much did this. I mean the things he pulled just got outrageous until I flat-out said, "I think you want out but you want me to do it."

 

He said stubbornly and snottily, "Maybe."

 

I said, "Fine, then, I don't care who is the bad guy. I am breaking up with you."

 

He was VERY smug. "Fine."

 

Three months later, he was begging me back...after having perused dating websites and NOT find the woman who was even younger than 10 years his junior (as I was) who wanted an arthritic, semi-impotent, meh-salaried, not very suave man.

 

I gave him a no thank you.

 

Sorry, I know this thread is a week and a half old already but I saw it and felt I could relate, so I responded. YES, people do sabotage relationships in this way.

[Gunny376]

The subconscience is very complicated. People may find themselves doing things in life they rationally know are stupid. When some people get married, I believe they subconsciously want it to end. Yet they still may get married because they want kids, etc. When I reflect on the actions of my ex-wife, it seems that she always was trying to DRIVE me away. It's almost like she wanted to return to her previous life with her family and just use me to get a few kids and provide for her. Do you think it's possible that people do this subconsciously?

 

Each and everyone of us have a biological imperative. Its part of us! Its what keeps us alive! Our sixth sense nighter you will. It's a part of the basic programing, if you willl of each sns every living organism on the planet!

 

I'm its simplest form? It comes down to two things?

 

LIVE AND SURVIVE

 

and procreation! ~ pass on your DNA ~ contribute or make your contribution to the genetic gene pool.

 

Sadly once a man has contributed to doing so? He's not only relegated to the back seat, nor the bus? He's expected to get out and push the Son of a Bitch up s mountain! Oftentimes a Hell of a step one ay that!

 

Its why men find themselves in sexless relationship and marriages!

 

Its the reason why women think men owe them just because they slept with them once?

 

Its not JUST you in thinking nor your way of thinking!

 

Now get your Azz on the back of the bus and get busy a pushing that SOB up tha mountain!

[headspins]

WOW! I really believe that is exactly the case with me. The circumstances with my marriage are as crazy as any one else's marriage. Well, maybe i'm exaggerating. I've heard of some pretty crazy situations. Anyways, that is so unbelievable cuz I absolutely agree with that. I believe either spouse may become unattached to their counter-part either physically, or even mentally. I believe my stbx was even having a emotional affair with her former boss. Twice her age. Before she actually did have sex with him. OH! ? We we're seperated though.

 

 

Believe it or not I forgave her. Even before that seperation she had originally left me along with the kids&became involved with her brothers friend. They literally had a relationship. Now our 3rd split which was my choice. Lol. Interestingly enough cuz I was @ my wits end. I felt like a complete stranger in my own house. I didn't get attention. I was constantly bitched @ for not giving her enough attention. Was told to be more affectionate; then accused of being clingy&needy. Then I was pushed away. It was as if I were her lil puppet to play with when she got bored. Furthermore, I swear she has no emotional pain. I do believe that I was pushesinto it. 100%. Funny cuz when she called&informed me of the dovorce papers she kust picked up. Her pathetic attempt to having me pay half was Well you were the one that left. Lol. Ummm. Yes I do recall. Yet, I still wanted to do counseling. She did not.

 

 

She was already eons ahead of me

As a matter of fact I think she was already talking about it to others. Or@ least plotting within herself. Shes methodical, very manipulative, yet super ignorant. That could be just part of her facade' though. Bottom-line I am happy to be outta that crazy mess. Even though I still have feelings for that crazy mental girl. Unbelievable I know. That's whats driving me insane.

[Gunny376]

Sounds like you've got yourself a bonafided personality disorder type? I'd start with Narcisstic Personality Disorder and work my way up from there

[trippi1432]

Sure. Absolutely. This happens in relationships (non-married ones) as well. The person wants "out" whether consciously or not, but doesn't want to be the "bad guy."

 

My boyfriend just before my STBXH pretty much did this. I mean the things he pulled just got outrageous until I flat-out said, "I think you want out but you want me to do it."

 

He said stubbornly and snottily, "Maybe."

 

I said, "Fine, then, I don't care who is the bad guy. I am breaking up with you."

 

He was VERY smug. "Fine."

 

Three months later, he was begging me back...after having perused dating websites and NOT find the woman who was even younger than 10 years his junior (as I was) who wanted an arthritic, semi-impotent, meh-salaried, not very suave man.

 

I gave him a no thank you.

 

Sorry, I know this thread is a week and a half old already but I saw it and felt I could relate, so I responded. YES, people do sabotage relationships in this way.

 

I agree with this, I do think it happens in non-married relationships more often however. My exH created an environment that made it hard for me to want to marry him for almost 12 years (we co-habitated during that time). I gave in to stupidity and married him which made him think he had license to continue his poor behavior. When I put my foot down and started working through IC to try and get him to see me and his son as "family" instead of the outsiders he treated us as, he took up a lunch partner, had an affair and finally left (short version - his drug use and alcoholism played a part as well).

 

I had an exBF of over a year that brooded for almost six weeks and would only say he was tired (he had to drive 30 miles round-trip to work everyday :rolleyes:), truth was, he had one foot out the door because he didn't like my son (which he tried to retract later). I have no problem opening the door and putting them out as you can't have a relationship with someone who has one foot out the door.

 

Life is just too short to waste time with men who want to sabotage a relationship for "greener grass" or commitment phobia, especially when they are not contributing much value to the relationship when they are sabotaging it.

[worldgonewrong]

Yes, people can subconsciously sabotage.

It's simple: they find out that they're not as committed to plans that they made with you, then they clumsily try to back out of it.

One form of backing out of it is to make it look like you're the one with commitment issues.

Lived it, experienced it, bought the t-shirt...

[CaliforniaGirl]

Sounds like you've got yourself a bonafided personality disorder type? I'd start with Narcisstic Personality Disorder and work my way up from there

 

I wouldn't. I wouldn't "start" anywhere. I'd let the person go to deal with his/her personal demons...unless s/he was stalking or harassing me or hurting my kids, in which case I'd still not try to analyze, I'd just call the police.

 

What personal delicious satisfaction would it give me to slap a humiliating and damning label on my ex? That would make me as small as he is. (to my SO or ex) : You're messed up? You want to go? Then go...and don't let the door hit you.

 

I don't get how some people love to analyze and analyze and analyze their exes. IMO, when you do that, you're really just hanging on.

 

As I described above, when I figured this out with a former boyfriend - rather than, it was just me being "messed up" and therefore, me trying to fix me, of course - I called him on it, broke up with him, end of story. He came back and begged and was the same person and with time and perspective, I was glad and very relieved that I had done it. I never looked back. He can deal with whatever his own problems are.

Edited April 21, 2014 by CaliforniaGirl

[Gunny376]

I agree whole heartily Cal Girl ......

 

Now! But until an individual wakes up to the reality that. "Normal " comprises a lot of screwed up individuals with a lot of different issues when one first goes through it? There's a lot of self doubt and reflection that takes place.

 

A really good read on the subject is Dr. Phil McGraw's "Life Code "