I want to divorce my wife!

[ryanj28]

I'll try to clear this up as much as I possibly can!

 

First off, before I got married I was with a woman that I had no intentions on marrying and we didn't. However, we did have a child together on accident. We proceeded with the birth and because she screwed me over financially at time, she was put in jail and our child and I left her behind. I had to get away. I moved back home as a single father and that is when I met who is now my wife.

 

I met my wife at a bar one night. She got along with my child and all worked really well having her around as well. So we proceeded to get married. We have been married for 5 years now and it will be 6 here in September. Because of my previous hang ups, I was always hesistant about having another child and was content with raising one child since I was shoved into adulthood at age 20. But I did eventually have a child with my wife and our baby is now 18 months old.

 

Back track a little bit, my wife and I always had problems from even before getting married. There were moments where I felt it was almost necessary to leave her because I no longer wanted to be with her, but I found myself torn raising a child without a mother figure. I had only ever cared about my wife the way I cared about anyone that I had ever dated, no more or less. So I would work things out with her assuming things wouldn't get any better from that point on.

 

After getting married, we did have our moments of "ups" as any relationship or marriage would, but we had our fair share of "downs" like anyone would. She would withhold sex from me if things didn't go her way, she would threaten me by taking away sex. I would go along with it and then before I knew it we weren't having sex for months! (8 months to be exact) so I found myself getting desperate, which then led me to cheating on my wife once. I came clean about it and confessed out of my guilt that I felt horrible about doing that. She then went to explain that she was holding out because of insecurities that she was having. But throughout the entire miscommunication, I could not feel that I was in love with my wife the way a husband should be. We would do counseling methods through our church to possibly "rekindle" a love that had been lost and everything to that sort. In agreement, we worked towards it, but I still could not find myself feeling "in love with her."

 

Then she got pregnant and now I have an 11 year old and a 18 month old child and know more than anything that I do not want to be with her. As the years began to further progress, I found myself not being attracted to my wife, physically or emotionally. I will always care for her, but that is about it. I want to seek happiness somewhere else. I had mentioned divorce and she obviously did not handle it well, but instead of trying to work with me, she is pretending like I hadn't said a thing about divorce at all and when it is mentioned she runs off and decides to do things like leave the house with the baby and threaten me with things like I'll never see our baby if I leave and that she'll make sure of it.

 

I am a local police officer and work swing shifts, I spend time with my baby every morning and early afternoon before work and spend one on one time with my oldest on my days off since she is in school when I wake and coming home when I leave for work. My wife is a stay at home mom, which I only agreed to for 6 months after the baby was born and after she cried and begged to allow me to stay home with baby, I said another 6 months and that was it. After trying to get her to get a job she would say she would try, but would not put effort into getting a job at all. Working my hours makes me tired and on top of dealing with my stubborn and high immature wife, I try my hardest to maintain a comfortable living situation for my kids most importantly, but now I am at wits end and my wife does not make it ANY EASIER!!

 

All of her family lives here where we do, but all of my family is throughout California, Montana, and Oregon so as far as family resources for me, I have none, but I cannot live with this woman any longer. She is financially irresponsible as a stay at home mom and I literally dish out cash left and right to make up for her mistakes. Mind you this is my credit history we are talking about. I can't get financially screwed as you can imagine with everything I do!

 

She is college educated, owned a business at one point, has held management positions, but still refuses to get a job! How can I get a divorce without being hammered in the end and be able to provide for my children and me. Child support IS NOT A PROBLEM, baby is my child, too. However, I have a hard time coming to terms with spousal support with someone that has a higher level of education than I do and my retirement, if she gets a portion so be it, I just want her out!

 

HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS!!

 

I apologize for the length!

I am a Colorado resident.

[Silveron]

So you married her without ever feeling the true love that a couple should be experiencing? You've told us about her short comings, now tell us about yours. This isn't to make you defensive, it's about looking at the problem in all aspects.

 

 

Have you two ever tried individual counseling? I mean with a psychologist. Do you think perhaps your job has something to do with the amount of stress? I know it's very easy to lose the bond with your spouse when you don't feel like she's pulling her weight but I imagine you two do have good times with each other.

 

 

If you truly don't love her, then seek an attorney. But remember there are always 3 sides to every story and you should do yourself, your children and your wife the favor of doing some deep soul searching on not only what you want but how you have acted/treated her these past few years. Remember she is not your enemy, this marriage is not a contest.

[RightThere]

She is college educated, owned a business at one point, has held management positions, but still refuses to get a job! How can I get a divorce without being hammered in the end and be able to provide for my children and me. Child support IS NOT A PROBLEM, baby is my child, too. However, I have a hard time coming to terms with spousal support with someone that has a higher level of education than I do and my retirement, if she gets a portion so be it, I just want her out!

 

Short version, if she's not working, you likely will be required to pay some kind of spousal support. Your pension that is owed to her would only be for the portion you were together, not the full pop.

 

So there is no easy way out of having to pay. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I would get some legal counsel to make sure you don't pay more than your fair share.

 

Good luck.

[ryanj28]

I'm not saying anything here as defensive in any way. I just want feel trapped.

 

Having the hang ups I did with my oldest child's biological mother, I hadn't really thought anything could get better than my wife because she was better than my child's mother and that's all I truly acknowledged at the time, as horrible as that is.

 

I have tried individual counseling through the department, since it is at our disposal, I took advantage of it.

 

My job definitely has a lot to do with this stress, the job itself is stressful and when I come home I would like to be able to take my hat off at the door and rest, but her inconsistencies stress me out more.

 

Bills not being paid, mortgage not being paid on time, truck payments missing, you name it! It's not like we are financially unstable, the money is there so there should be no excuse as to why things are not being handled.

 

Trust me, I acknowledge the things she does. Feeds the kids, bathes them, picks one up from school and all, but it becomes very frustrating when this is an ongoing issue.

 

It seems that I'm complaining about things that are repairable, but it's been an ongoing debacle! The marriage is not a contest, no way, I know that. But there is a lack of happiness all around and no matter how hard we try, I just cannot be happy or "in love" with this woman.

[ryanj28]

I'm just worried the spousal support I will be paying will be a long term thing, which will in return be extremely frustrating especially considering how much education she has and her previous work experience. Knowing my job and how much I have saved for retirement annoys me as well. The work is gonna be put in on my end!

[Carlos Scienza]

Hi guys,

 

This is my first post on here so "hello everyone".

 

I have read your post and I do feel for you. I have been there, trust me on that. Before you make a decision that you might not be able to to pull back from, please take a look at the Liam Naden program. This isn't a sales pitch, so please don't grill me guys.

 

I basically went through to the point where I had packed my bags. It wasn't until a good friend - the very same one that I was going to move in with upon separating from my wife - told me to get some help and seek out the Stop Your Divorce program. Now I am from London, England and I am not into these fads such as life coaching or mastery programs. Hell, I've never even been to a therapist. From where I am from, we just don't do things like that. Now that's not having a go at the guys that do, it's just that I was never brought up to buy into these things.

 

As a favour to my friend Marios, I contacted Liam Naden and enrolled into his program. Well, the rest is history. I am now happily married and haven't looked back since.

 

Have you tried talking to others about how you feel?

[ryanj28]

I have talked with people. I have talked with my parents, my sister who has been divorced, and with close friends who have been divorced with ways that I could help save my marriage and help us get back on track. Unfortunately, we have not been able to establish anything solid and that probably goes with the lack of love I have not had for my wife initially.

[RightThere]

Church support is good, but you should seek out some professional help as well.

 

Not to say divorce shouldn't be an option if you are done with the marriage. But if you are both committed to trying to fix the relationship, a professional counselor may be able to steer you in the right direction.

[Smilecharmer]

You just went along with the flow and now you are unhappy...well, of course you are because you false led your wife on. So you marry this woman and you have two children with her while living a lie but you feel a need now to find something better so you abandon them? Nice immature and weak behavior. Go on and divorce her but make sure the next person you drag into your flaky and wishy washy behavior knows the truth of it from the beginning. You need to work on yourself to figure out why you do things you obviously don't want to do, and then throw other people's lives into disorder when you find you are unhappy with your choices.

[ryanj28]

I had one child with her. Let me explain to you that I have better moral than to just "lead" someone on. I tried leaving her before, but she refused to let go and even trying to work out our marriage and knowing that the two of us were and continue to be unhappy, she won't let go, but from what it seems she has definitely trapped me in this unhappy marriage with a child I love with all my heart.

 

Like I stated before, I tried leaving her before we even got married! I figured at the time she was better than the woman that screwed me over the first time, so you can imagine my hang ups there. My wife was far better than the chick that tricked me into having a kid with her. But now my wife, seems to be doing all of the same things, but we're married and we are BOTH unhappy. Anyone with a brain can see this.

[RightThere]

But now my wife, seems to be doing all of the same things, but we're married and we are BOTH unhappy. Anyone with a brain can see this.

 

No offense, but the only common factor in both relationships is YOU.

 

Instead of looking at all the faults in both the women who have been in your life, what exactly might you have possibly done to contribute to two failed relationships. Granted your first woman sounds like she was not of good character, but you seem to attract the same type of woman with the same type of results.

[lmyya]

I admire your efforts to handle the present with pragmatism and compassion, whatever happened in the past.

 

I wrote a reply that I think never posted-- if it posts, sorry if this is a repeat.

 

Spousal support is a tough one. I too have a stay-at-home who will not get a job. In my case, the stay-at-home is the husband. I think there is a difference between wanting to stay at home (a personal and family choice) and simply not wanting to work (often a self-esteem or depression or responsibility issue that is unnerving to family members). Nevertheless, the one family law atty I consulted told me that a spouse is not that likely to get spousal support after only a year or two staying home with kids, especially if s/he didn't really give up a career to do it.

 

Still, in my state, spousal support is discretionary. The judge can award it or not, in whatever amount, without a whole lot of bright-line legal rules determining it. But judges rarely abuse their discretion, even though their rulings can be less than perfect. I figure, if a judge awards my husband spousal support even though I can ill afford it, then spousal support must be somewhat fair. At least from an objective point of view. That helps me a little because I don't begrudge my husband anything that's fair. It's not really perfect logic because of course people appeal support orders and get truly raw deals, but it helps me to know that those people are in the minority and at least the process isn't arbitrary.

 

And even if you think someone always gets hosed, then you only have a 50% chance of getting hosed. And the person not getting hosed is your child's other parent. I don't know if any of this really dispels your worries.

 

Your wife sounds pretty immature, but she might have strong maternal instincts, unlike the first woman you had a baby with. That might be partly why she's clinging to the home-- 18 months is still in baby-realm. I am one of those women who always knew I would not be a stay-at-home: lawyer with two advanced degrees, former athlete, intellectual interests, and I love my job. Even so, I'd have loved to stay home and bond with my baby for at least 9 months. I got only 4. If I was home for 6 and someone told me to go back to work, I think old Mama Lion would have come out and said, "I'll leave my baby when I'm good and ready." And some people really aren't ready until 2 years. Maybe your wife is one of those women and maybe she isn't. But from a pragmatic point of view, whether you get married or divorced, you don't want your wife fearing that you'll rob her of her baby somehow. I think you should show her that you value her maternal bond with your child. Point out that you want her to work not just for money, but so that your beautiful children can have as an example some of the things you admire in your wife-- that she is educated, has worked hard and headed a business, is responsible and capable.

 

Some people think that a person shouldn't get a divorce unless the one they are divorcing is some evil villain and the one asking for a divorce is an angel. But I think that, fault and blame aside, a person has to secure a sane and functioning future for themselves and their children. I think the relevant questions are: 1) Is this relationship healthy; 2) if not, can it become healthy (what would it take); 3) if it can't become healthy as a marriage, how can we best divorce so that all parties can remain as content and healthy as possible in the long run? That includes not begrudging the other spouse, because they're your children's other parent after all. It includes moving on calmly and maybe kissing a little money goodbye if it happens-- hopefully without having to move or uproot too much of your children's lifestyle. You're fortunate that you have a great job, and you have yourself to thank for that. And you likely have more strength and patience than most, because you raised your first baby without the mother.

 

One last thing, all that stuff about not loving her that much-- I totally understand and that happens. But people in your situation often divorce and go looking for "true love." Not that they can't find it-- however, I read some very good advice about that. It went: You can't divorce on the hope that you will find someone better. It doesn't work like that. That always leads to settling too quickly for another problematic relationship.

 

I wish you luck, keep us updated.

[soccerrprp]

THEN DIVORCE HER. Your life is miserable. She's not happy. But, know that you will likely be responsible for support and it's her that will dictate visitation terms, etc.

[Radu]

So divorce her !

 

You are in law enforcement, so you know how bogus her threats are.

It's easy to talk to a lawyer, find out what the situation is in Colorado [this is an international forum, some are not in the US].

 

Remaining in this crappy situation will be worse for you long term than getting out, even if the pain and stress short term will somewhat increase.

 

Someone also mentioned that you are the common factor in your relationships going wrong, and they are right.

All of us are attracted to a certain type of person, based on what we learned in childhood, very rarely we go against this mold.

You chose them, both of them ... maybe after you D, you should look into that because you may want to avoid women like them in the future.

[amaysngrace]

I don't know about the law in Colorado but where I live you need to be married ten years before either person is even considered to be entitled to spousal support.

[ryanj28]

I admire your efforts to handle the present with pragmatism and compassion, whatever happened in the past.

 

I wrote a reply that I think never posted-- if it posts, sorry if this is a repeat.

 

Spousal support is a tough one. I too have a stay-at-home who will not get a job. In my case, the stay-at-home is the husband. I think there is a difference between wanting to stay at home (a personal and family choice) and simply not wanting to work (often a self-esteem or depression or responsibility issue that is unnerving to family members). Nevertheless, the one family law atty I consulted told me that a spouse is not that likely to get spousal support after only a year or two staying home with kids, especially if s/he didn't really give up a career to do it.

 

Still, in my state, spousal support is discretionary. The judge can award it or not, in whatever amount, without a whole lot of bright-line legal rules determining it. But judges rarely abuse their discretion, even though their rulings can be less than perfect. I figure, if a judge awards my husband spousal support even though I can ill afford it, then spousal support must be somewhat fair. At least from an objective point of view. That helps me a little because I don't begrudge my husband anything that's fair. It's not really perfect logic because of course people appeal support orders and get truly raw deals, but it helps me to know that those people are in the minority and at least the process isn't arbitrary.

 

And even if you think someone always gets hosed, then you only have a 50% chance of getting hosed. And the person not getting hosed is your child's other parent. I don't know if any of this really dispels your worries.

 

Your wife sounds pretty immature, but she might have strong maternal instincts, unlike the first woman you had a baby with. That might be partly why she's clinging to the home-- 18 months is still in baby-realm. I am one of those women who always knew I would not be a stay-at-home: lawyer with two advanced degrees, former athlete, intellectual interests, and I love my job. Even so, I'd have loved to stay home and bond with my baby for at least 9 months. I got only 4. If I was home for 6 and someone told me to go back to work, I think old Mama Lion would have come out and said, "I'll leave my baby when I'm good and ready." And some people really aren't ready until 2 years. Maybe your wife is one of those women and maybe she isn't. But from a pragmatic point of view, whether you get married or divorced, you don't want your wife fearing that you'll rob her of her baby somehow. I think you should show her that you value her maternal bond with your child. Point out that you want her to work not just for money, but so that your beautiful children can have as an example some of the things you admire in your wife-- that she is educated, has worked hard and headed a business, is responsible and capable.

 

Some people think that a person shouldn't get a divorce unless the one they are divorcing is some evil villain and the one asking for a divorce is an angel. But I think that, fault and blame aside, a person has to secure a sane and functioning future for themselves and their children. I think the relevant questions are: 1) Is this relationship healthy; 2) if not, can it become healthy (what would it take); 3) if it can't become healthy as a marriage, how can we best divorce so that all parties can remain as content and healthy as possible in the long run? That includes not begrudging the other spouse, because they're your children's other parent after all. It includes moving on calmly and maybe kissing a little money goodbye if it happens-- hopefully without having to move or uproot too much of your children's lifestyle. You're fortunate that you have a great job, and you have yourself to thank for that. And you likely have more strength and patience than most, because you raised your first baby without the mother.

 

One last thing, all that stuff about not loving her that much-- I totally understand and that happens. But people in your situation often divorce and go looking for "true love." Not that they can't find it-- however, I read some very good advice about that. It went: You can't divorce on the hope that you will find someone better. It doesn't work like that. That always leads to settling too quickly for another problematic relationship.

 

I wish you luck, keep us updated.

 

Thank you for your constructive advice, even towards why my wife may be refusing to obtain a job! Also the judicial decision points made help as far as somewhat knowing a bit before going into a dark room. I will obviously obtain an attorney to further understand my rights.

[ryanj28]

It does seem to be a tendency for me to be involved with the same type of women and I truly accept that. I'm still young in comparison and have time to figure out how to change those ways in my life. I haven't even honestly thought about dating or trying again right now. I'm entirely under a bunch of stress (as anyone would thinking about divorce would be) so much that the only woman I'm thinking about is the one I'm trying to leave and how to do so! It's to the point now where I haven't even had sex with my wife for almost a year because it feels wrong to have sex with someone I'm not truly in love with.

Edited April 11, 2014 by ryanj28

[beach]

Are you having sex with someone else besides your wife? Be honest.

[passion_flower]

I think some of the replies here are a bit harsh.

 

It's perfectly acceptable to acknowledge you've fallen out of love with someone in this day and age, sounds like you may have been blinded with rose tinted glasses in the beginning.

 

I really hate women who threaten men who use their children as a weapon if their partner leaves them, it's so selfish and shouldn't be allowed.

 

You sound stuck in a rut and would be doing everyone a favour if you divorced her.

[RonaldS]

I was divorced in MI, XW didn't and still doesn't work. No spousal support was awarded per se, but the amount of CS I pay is correlated to her income as well as my own. I technically don't get credited with any overnights (even though I see the kids a lot...complicated situation), so with that and her having no income, she gets the max percentage.

 

If I were to get the kids 38% of the time (which will be the arrangement beginning next year), my CS owed goes down. If she gets a job as well, that CS amount will drop even more.

 

Interestingly, in MI, new spouse incomes do not influence my CS obligations. My XW is on the verge of remarrying, and her guy makes a pretty good living, but his income doesn't figure into the CS calculations.

[hoping2heal]

So, you used her because you needed someone to help raise your child.

 

You married her for this same reason.

 

This woman felt insecure..why would that be? Did she at least know that you marrying her was about making things convenient for yourself, not because you love her (yeah, you cared about her about as much as anyone you have dated..I'm real moved by that one)?

 

If she knew all of this and married you anyway, then I suppose what does she expect? If she didn't.....

[hoping2heal]

I think some of the replies here are a bit harsh.

 

It's perfectly acceptable to acknowledge you've fallen out of love with someone in this day and age, sounds like you may have been blinded with rose tinted glasses in the beginning.

 

I really hate women who threaten men who use their children as a weapon if their partner leaves them, it's so selfish and shouldn't be allowed.

 

You sound stuck in a rut and would be doing everyone a favour if you divorced her.

 

I think the whole point is he didn't fall out of love with her because I don't get the impression he was ever in love? She got on well with his child and he said so himself it worked out better for them having her around (and I'm sure it did). I'm chided by the fact that he married her seemingly because he wanted a Mother and other caretaker for his child, and now he just can't stomach the arrangement any further so he wants out. Aye aye aye

 

I agree that a mother should never use a child to threaten, it certainly is immature and desperate. I also agree he should divorce her.

[ryanj28]

Are you having sex with someone else besides your wife? Be honest.

 

No I am not having sex with anyone else. I have had sex with someone else, cheated on my wife once before and we tried to work passed that. Since then, no I haven't slept with anyone else. My honest word.

[ryanj28]

So, you used her because you needed someone to help raise your child.

 

You married her for this same reason.

 

This woman felt insecure..why would that be? Did she at least know that you marrying her was about making things convenient for yourself, not because you love her (yeah, you cared about her about as much as anyone you have dated..I'm real moved by that one)?

 

If she knew all of this and married you anyway, then I suppose what does she expect? If she didn't.....

 

Completely honest and like I've stated before even then knowing how well she worked with my child, I knew I didn't feel the way a man should towards someone he wants to commit his life to. Like I said, I cared for her the same as everyone else. I wanted to leave before we even got married, but she would not let go. Then thinking about it even further with that being said, I would have been fine without the "convenience" of a mom for my kid- I knew that then. Being 22 as a single dad, you tell me. But with my past experience I didn't think things could get any better than they were with my wife. Her insecurities initially had nothing to do with me leading her on to believe anything for us especially when I was being honest and told her I wasn't sure about even being her boyfriend.

 

If your boyfriend was being honest and explained to you he no longer wanted to be with you because of the circumstances, what would you do? Stay all about this guy regardless, cross your fingers, and hope for the best?

 

I'll admit my fair share of continuation, but seriously, the initial stuff, the marriage, and now she still won't be immature about this?! What is that? Work with me!

[ryanj28]

I was divorced in MI, XW didn't and still doesn't work. No spousal support was awarded per se, but the amount of CS I pay is correlated to her income as well as my own. I technically don't get credited with any overnights (even though I see the kids a lot...complicated situation), so with that and her having no income, she gets the max percentage.

 

If I were to get the kids 38% of the time (which will be the arrangement beginning next year), my CS owed goes down. If she gets a job as well, that CS amount will drop even more.

 

Interestingly, in MI, new spouse incomes do not influence my CS obligations. My XW is on the verge of remarrying, and her guy makes a pretty good living, but his income doesn't figure into the CS calculations.

 

I'll have to take a look at state laws for me with child support and spousal support! Is your wife able bodied and educated and that's why spousal support wasn't "awarded?"