Early cheating in new relationship--worth forgiving and moving on?

[htmshsj]

I’m just interested in getting everyone’s opinion on here about my situation. I’m a first-time poster.

 

Basically, I’ve been with a pretty great woman for the past 6 months or so. I’m 30 years old, and she’s 26. She’s the first person I’ve felt a strong connection with in a while. We live around an hour away from one another, and we see each other as much as possible, which is usually a few times a week. We decided to start being exclusive at around 4 months. She was the one that brought up the conversation, and I was perfectly fine with it because I wasn’t interested in seeing anyone else.

 

We’ve had a fantastic sexual relationship as well. We slept together on our first date. Neither one of us was drunk or anything--we just had a good connection and talked for hours beforehand. We’ve never really discussed specific numbers or anything like that, but I get the impression she’s not a sexually inexperienced person. I’m not either, so it was never really a big deal to me. We’ve talked a little bit about past experiences, but I’m pretty much in the “past is past” mindset as long as the person has grown and learned from everything.

 

 

She had a previous relationship with a professor at her school for around 1.5 years. It ended around 9 months before we met. She wasn’t his student at the time but was working with him as a research assistant. She’s now going to pursue a PhD in the same field he works in. From what I gathered, it wasn’t a normal relationship. He apparently saw plenty of other women, including some hookers, and was blatantly honest about it. It ended when she slept with his best friend, although keep in mind it was an “open relationship,” and he was fine with her seeing other people. That is the one issue in her past that actually made me uncomfortable. She was honest about it and said that she understood it was immature of her and that she understands now that she was really just trying to get his attention. She also assured me she’d been tested for STDs, etc since that whole experience. Based on what she’s told me, it sounds like they were closer at the beginning, but as time went on, they never really defined the relationship and by the end she was pretty much a booty call for the last few months.

 

They hadn’t had any contact for a while but eventually reconnected professionally since she was applying to PhD programs in his field. I trusted her and even encouraged her to seek his help just simply because I wanted to see her succeed. He apparently knew about me since he told her that having a significant other in a certain location can influence admission decisions at some places (although I’ve made it clear to her that I don’t want my relationship with her to limit her in any way).

 

To make a long story short—everything was going well. She got into her top PhD program. She’d been acting a little distant the week after this happened, but I figured that things were a little stained because she’s now going to move 3 hours away. At that time, I was starting to think that I could even do long distance and visiting her in the big city wouldn’t be so bad.

 

But that wasn’t it. She cheated on me with this guy. Three times. The first time was when they went out to “celebrate” with dinner and wine after she got into her program. I saw her in between the next two times she did it, and of course, we slept together. The night she finally told me (the night after the last time she saw him), she was completely honest about everything and broke down. I was livid, made her tell me everything, and kicked her out of my place and was thinking that this was probably the end of things.

 

I talked it over with one of my good female friends/co-workers and figured we should at least talk things out. We contacted each other shortly after this, and I do believe that she really made an honest mistake and wants to be with me. Of course, this other guy tells her about all his “feelings” that night at dinner that he never managed to get out over the course of their whole "relationship." Funny how they always seem to want to tell you all their “feelings” right when somebody new steps in.

 

I was angry but got over it pretty quickly. I know she’s ashamed of her behavior and really regrets it.

 

The problem is, although I can forgive her, I just don’t see her quite the same way.

 

I’m also noticing I’m really starting to stew with jealously about her previous relationships/sexual experiences. Aspects of her previous sex life that I didn’t really think about before are starting to pop up in my head and bother me. We went out and were drinking with some of her friends the other night (that I’d met before) and she told me at the end of the night that she’d slept with two of the guys there many years ago. One was someone she quasi-dated, and the other was a drunk mistake. Now, even though that’s not my favorite thing in the world to hear, I understand we all make mistakes and I’d normally just let it roll off. Between that and the alcohol, I ended up pretty much being a complete jerk to her the rest of the night after we left.

 

I’m not one of those guys that wants a virgin or a prude. I want an open-minded, mature sexual woman, but instead I feel I misjudged things a little and got an insecure, slutty little girl who makes bad decisions when drinking. And I’m regressing into an insecure, jealous guy who ruminates over his girlfriend's sexual past, even though it's pointless and you can't change anything.

 

The retroactive jealously aspect of things does make me wonder. Everybody loves to say “past is past,” and I do believe that people can mature and grow from past mistakes, but I can’t help but kick myself wondering if I overlooked blatant red flags. Like I just should’ve judged her and dumped her on the spot when she admitted to cheating on someone in the past. The other aspect of the “past is past” argument is that, if it truly is the past, it shouldn’t have much bearing on the present. When there are still people hanging around that you’ve slept with, maybe the past does matter a little bit. I’ve talked to her a little about some of my ex’s and she’s admitted that there are a few things that make her a little jealous, but I moved here a few years ago, so there are really no ex's or flings that I’m in constant contact with that she has to hear about or see when we're together. I'm pretty good about ending relationships once I feel they're over because I don't like carrying baggage into the next one.

 

 

And I realize I just need to get over it, if we’re going to move on.

 

Things between us are still pretty early in the grand scheme of things. I’ve heard of plenty of couples where one party or the other went out and “explored” another option early on the relationship—although usually the other party has no idea and things progress like normal. So I’m glad she was honest with me about everything—she always has been.

 

Everything else about our relationship has been great. She’s kind, intelligent, very introspective, and a little bit quirky (which I absolutely adore). We’re always totally honest with each other. Our communication has always been excellent. The sex is amazing. I’m just completely turned off by how everything has played out. Although I want a real long-term relationship and definitely see potential in her, I’m starting to wonder if I should just let things run their course until she moves in the summer and chalk this one up as a short-term fling. And maybe they're right about saying you shouldn't date someone you sleep with on the first night? (even though it takes two, and I'm just as guilty)

 

 

Thoughts?

Edited April 10, 2014 by htmshsj

[d0nnivain]

Cheating is usually because the other person has no self control or something may be lacking in the primary relationship. Either way, It's a poor foundation for moving forward. In your situation, you are going to ADD long distance to this mix. LDRs require trust & yours has already been broken. There is just too much room for temptation here.

[No Limit]

Past isn't just past. It's our actions which determine who we are, who we really are, whether people like it or not. Often, they don't, of course.

 

Personally now that you're still at the beginning, breaking up isn't that painful. If there's any pain at all that goes over the feeling of annoyance for wasting time. If she doesn't have enough respect to be faithful to you now, how will that change tomorrow?

 

Unless you want to spend the first few months of your relationship worrying about what she does when she's saying she's gone off shopping you should let it go.

[Arieswoman]

htmshsj,

Here's my 6 penneth.

 

Cheating is a deal-breaker for me, but you have to decide for yourself.

 

She's cheated on you, thus disrespecting you and your relationship.

 

She's telling you by doing this that she can't be trusted. You've only just started the relationship and already she's running for the exits.

 

The first part of a relationship, the getting-to-know-you bit, should be all warm and fuzzy. No-one should be having to deal with heavy issues so early on. (Not that I'm saying people should cheat later-on ! )

 

Cheating gets easier every time it's done. Maybe next time she won't feel so guilty, or maybe she won't tell you.

 

Sorry, but I don't see this flying.

[Grumpybutfun]

The only time I would suggest someone resume a relationship with a cheater is if they have been married for many, many years and have small children. Otherwise, I just think you are placing yourself in the middle of a burning building thinking you are going to be okay. She is a cheater. Three times isn't a mistake. You sound like you are smart and a good guy, don't be persuaded by emotion when you need to be guided by logic and your value system. What she did in her past before you is the past, but what she did to you in your joint past is subject to your belief system and indicative of her character which is weak and lacking.

 

The foundation of this relationship is cracked and anything you build on it from this point forward will be shaky and unsafe. You know moving forward is futile. Stop second guessing your gut.

Move on,

Grumps

[preraph]

Well, first of all, it's unlikely her relationship with her professor was ever a healthy one. Usually they sort of use their authority to get a student into bed. Now, not always, I'm sure, but it's not a healthy dynamic.

 

If that is how it started out, she may feel that same power he has over here. I think you are taking a good approach to this. It is a bit different because this is an old lover of hers, not that she's out trolling for new ones. I mean, people do have relationships and are vulnerable to exes.

 

I wouldn't be comfortable if she continues to have contact with this professor tool. I wouldn't make anything of the fact she slept with his best friend under the circumstances since the professor is sleeping with as many students as possible. I'm sure she wanted to take back a little power and sort of flip him off. Thing is she needs to wrap this thing up with him if she wants to be with you. She seems to still have something to prove to him. Whether it's a serious crush, or she just has issue to resolve with him, only she can tell you.

 

You do need to totally hash this out and make a plan. You shouldn't have to worry about her running into him. Once a partner cheats, you are within rights to ask for full transparency so you can build trust. If you have resources, you might want to let a marriage counselor mediate this.

Good luck.

[lolablue17]

Past is past! Unless it becomes present.

 

You were right to ignore the past. but she cheated you in the present.

 

She told you she made a mistake and she feels a shame of her self. It's can be a mistake if it happens once. if it happened 3 times, it's not a mistake. It's more like poor judgment. Poor judgment is not something you can remove in one day. It can take time, and also can fail to be fixed.

 

So the question you must ask yourself is: Do you want to be her guinea pig, to see if she can fix her poor judgment personality she has. it might take a lot of time while you're the one who suffers.

 

Man... She cheated 3 times! She lied to you. Are she planning to see this professor even one more time in her life?

[htmshsj]

Thanks for your responses. Although I like hearing a verdict (yes vs no) as well, I really appreciate some thoughtful analysis of the entire situation and am interested in hearing if anyone else has been in a similar situation. Her previous thing with the dirtbag professor was one of those situations that always made me a little uneasy because I never got a sense that there was any closure on her part. I do think she has finally gotten her closure, unfortunately it has come at a price. I wish it could've come from a conversation, not from sleeping together. I think she wants to be faithful, but there are just some serious issues with self-esteem, impulse control, and establishment of proper boundaries. And I don't really have any control over that.

 

I still enjoy being with her, and I'll probably at least ride it out until she moves. But I seriously have my doubts after that.

[Candy_Pants]

Your thread title is really the only important thing to consider. New relationship. Already cheating. Apparently repeatedly...with someone she's had a relationship with, and is going to continue working with (and having sex with).

 

Stay. Be a doormat. OR. Kick her cheating ass to the curb and set your standards higher.

[drifter777]

Lots of the posters who have responded on your thread have been betrayed by the cheating of their SO. I know you think your case is different or unique, but it's not. The cheater might have many excuses like "I was drunk", "it's my ex and he knows how to..." or the best one "your weren't paying enough attention to me - I didn't know where you were at with us". Just see them for the rose-colored crap that they really are.

 

This is a no-brainer; you aren't married and you don't have kids. Don't put yourself through the pain and agony of trying to reconcile with a cheater when there is so much life to be lived. Say goodbye and move on with your life.

[lolablue17]

I think she wants to be faithful, but there are just some serious issues with self-esteem, impulse control, and establishment of proper boundaries. And I don't really have any control over that.

 

You said it all, dude....

 

A sex closure can happen once! 3 times is definitely not a closure. it's a total disrespect for you and for her own word. How can she cheat only 2 month after she initiates an exclusive R with you? It's disgusting. He is not the dirtbag in this case. She is.

 

Although I like hearing a verdict (yes vs no) as well

 

BIG NO!

[Joaquin]

What message are you sending by staying with her?

 

Basically that you have no self respect for yourself.

 

Men don't usually stay with girls that **** around on them with other men. You probably should examine why you are okay with it.

[veggirl]

Omg your thread title sounds like the story is gonna be awful and then the actual story is even WORSE!!! A big hell f*cking NO to "forgiving" this chick!! Wow!

 

She made an "honest" mistake, 3 times?! Come on.

You guys are "always honest" with each other--REALLY???

 

Dude. She has no impulse control, no boundaries, and is still going to be working with her "honest" mistake.

 

You are CRAZY to forgive her. Crazy. She has shown you who she is, not sure why you want to pretend otherwise. A person who doesn't cheat...DOESN'T CHEAT. She is a cheater. She couldn't even wait until your R got comfy and kinda boring, she did it smack dab in the honeymoon phase. What a "quirky" girl indeed!

[Smilecharmer]

No, just no.

[aliveagain]

You committed to each other, her idea, your in an exclusive relationship with her, she than makes a mistake three times with someone she will be working with. Do you really have to ask our opinion? If she cheats on you while your still in the honeymoon phase, what's she going to do to you in year 12 when things have cooled off a bit? She just showed you your future, it's up to you to believe her. Don't get hung up on the fact she's pretty, having poor boundaries and being pretty is a recipe for disaster. I was married to someone exactly like her. I had to deal with an affair child before I was done with my pretty ex.

[Chi townD]

Come one dude, wake up! The writing is on the walls. She dated her Ex and the cheated on her Ex with his best friend. Then she dates you and cheats on you with the Ex three times.

 

 

Dude, you're dating a serial cheater. Time to pack up and move on. Time to heal from this and find a girl that you deserve.

[Darren Steez]

OP you keep writing she made an "honest mistake", how is going out with someone and letting them bang you silly a mistake?

 

Not to mention, this guy apparently sleeps around, putting you at the risk of disease.

 

Three times is not a mistake.

 

So now she's moving away right? Do you trust her not to let some guy she likes bang her senseless again?

 

The fact she did this now sets the tone for the rest of your relationship. She did this and got away with it..next time the guilt won't be so bad, the boundaries (or lack there of have been set)

 

Forgive her by all means..then move on.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Dump her and move on. She isn't relationship material, period.

 

I am surprised that you took her back after she cheated on you (3 times), you don't value your self-respect?

[Spectre]

She made an honest mistake. As opposed to..a dishonest one? Come on now. Drop this girl. She is a cheater. I do not see why people feel that the amount of time someone has been in a relationship can lessen the blow of cheating, but no..not really. If a person cheats just as a relationship is starting out..it means they really just did not give a crap about this person or their future with them.

 

If a person cheats after they have been with someone a long time..it means that their history means nothing to them. Either way these are not good things. There is no "good" time to cheat, otherwise people wouldn't call it cheating. People mistakenly stub their toes, they do not mistakenly have sex. She had sex with another guy because she was in the mood and her feelings for you simply were not strong enough to keep her clothes on. That is the reality of the situation. If she loved you, her feelings would be strong enough to keep those clothes on. She couldn't, so she doesn't. It is that simple, if they can't do something as easy as keeping clothing on, why in earth would you trust this person with your heart?

Edited April 12, 2014 by Spectre

[KatZee]

I was angry but got over it pretty quickly. I know she’s ashamed of her behavior and really regrets it.

 

You know this? Really? How do you know this? Why do you think this is reality? She's so ashamed? Really? Regrets it? Uh huh. Sure.

 

She's so ashamed that the cheating happened not once. Not twice. But three times.

 

All the "oh boo hoo, woe is me, i'm so sad, i'm so sorry." It's bulls.hit. Sorry to burst your bubble here. I have no sympathy for cheaters, or people who treat other people like garbage.

 

She really can't keep her pussy lips from flapping in the wind b/c you live an hour away? And you see her multiple times a week?

 

She's a liar, she's a cheater, and the trust is gone. It's done. You're never going to view her the same way. I've been cheated on and I never saw my cheater the same way ever again. Hated him. He disgusted me. I however, did stay. And it's the biggest regret I have. I wish I would have dumped him right there on the spot.

 

Instead, I let his poison consume me for another 9 months as I tried to "get over it" and "move past it" and "forgive him." Never happened. The anger, the hatred, and the disgust consumed me. Eventually HE dumped me. It still makes me angry thinking about it.

 

Don't be naive to think what you have with this girl is "so special" and "so unique" and she's this all mighty female. She's not. She's a whore. Take her down 10 notches and realize what she did.

 

People who love, respect, cherish and who really want the best for their partner? Don't cheat on them. End of story. There are no excuses, there are no, "ohhh it was a mistake" ohhh this, ohhh that. Cheating isn't a mistake. It's a choice. A choice she decided to make not once, not twice, but three times.

 

Oh, and something like 80% of cheaters go on to cheat again. Mine did. I forgave him because I "loved him" and how did he repay me? By cheating on me again. Never again will I give a cheater the opportunity to make me look stupid more than once.

 

Stay if you want. But don't say I didn't warn you.

[freetolove]

Ah your situation is tricky, try it out for a few months and see what happens. I'm more concern with the long distance then the cheating.

[Radu]

I’m just interested in getting everyone’s opinion on here about my situation. I’m a first-time poster.

 

Basically, I’ve been with a pretty great woman for the past 6 months or so. I’m 30 years old, and she’s 26. She’s the first person I’ve felt a strong connection with in a while. We live around an hour away from one another, and we see each other as much as possible, which is usually a few times a week. We decided to start being exclusive at around 4 months. She was the one that brought up the conversation, and I was perfectly fine with it because I wasn’t interested in seeing anyone else.

 

We’ve had a fantastic sexual relationship as well. We slept together on our first date. Neither one of us was drunk or anything--we just had a good connection and talked for hours beforehand. We’ve never really discussed specific numbers or anything like that, but I get the impression she’s not a sexually inexperienced person. I’m not either, so it was never really a big deal to me. We’ve talked a little bit about past experiences, but I’m pretty much in the “past is past” mindset as long as the person has grown and learned from everything.

They will all say that they have grown and learned from it if they know you don't approve of it in principle, but it's the actions and not the words that you should watch out for.

 

 

She had a previous relationship with a professor at her school for around 1.5 years. It ended around 9 months before we met. She wasn’t his student at the time but was working with him as a research assistant.

It's equally bad, and it's one of the ways that some ppl get ahead in academia.

 

Unfortunately, it can't be dealt with .... a company would just fire/hire a new person, but in research it's very problematic.

So they take advantage of it.

 

She’s now going to pursue a PhD in the same field he works in. From what I gathered, it wasn’t a normal relationship. He apparently saw plenty of other women, including some hookers, and was blatantly honest about it. It ended when she slept with his best friend, although keep in mind it was an “open relationship,” and he was fine with her seeing other people. That is the one issue in her past that actually made me uncomfortable. She was honest about it and said that she understood it was immature of her and that she understands now that she was really just trying to get his attention. She also assured me she’d been tested for STDs, etc since that whole experience. Based on what she’s told me, it sounds like they were closer at the beginning, but as time went on, they never really defined the relationship and by the end she was pretty much a booty call for the last few months.

Ok, i can already see the disaster looming.

 

They hadn’t had any contact for a while but eventually reconnected professionally since she was applying to PhD programs in his field. I trusted her and even encouraged her to seek his help just simply because I wanted to see her succeed. He apparently knew about me since he told her that having a significant other in a certain location can influence admission decisions at some places (although I’ve made it clear to her that I don’t want my relationship with her to limit her in any way).

You're quite the sap, aren't you ?

 

They all say that they learned from it, so don't take them at face value.

She admitted she had a problem with needing his attention, but you sent her to him.

 

Did you even try to say 'be careful, he's gonna try something'.

 

To make a long story short—everything was going well. She got into her top PhD program. She’d been acting a little distant the week after this happened, but I figured that things were a little stained because she’s now going to move 3 hours away. At that time, I was starting to think that I could even do long distance and visiting her in the big city wouldn’t be so bad.

Yeah, it could have been that.

 

 

But that wasn’t it. She cheated on me with this guy. Three times. The first time was when they went out to “celebrate” with dinner and wine after she got into her program. I saw her in between the next two times she did it, and of course, we slept together. The night she finally told me (the night after the last time she saw him), she was completely honest about everything and broke down. I was livid, made her tell me everything, and kicked her out of my place and was thinking that this was probably the end of things.

One might be a stupid mistake.

2nd and 3rd time, it's a choice.

 

You did well by kicking her out, she can't control herself and like i told you ... it will be even worse in her PhD program.

 

I talked it over with one of my good female friends/co-workers and figured we should at least talk things out. We contacted each other shortly after this, and I do believe that she really made an honest mistake and wants to be with me. Of course, this other guy tells her about all his “feelings” that night at dinner that he never managed to get out over the course of their whole "relationship." Funny how they always seem to want to tell you all their “feelings” right when somebody new steps in.

Some friend, she was projecting.

She told you what she would like you to do, if she was in your gf's situation.

 

A 'friend' would normally have your back, would tell you this is a massive red flag.

 

You should let her have him, they deserve each other.

 

 

I was angry but got over it pretty quickly. I know she’s ashamed of her behavior and really regrets it.

 

The problem is, although I can forgive her, I just don’t see her quite the same way.

What ?

 

She cheated on you 3 times, in a very young relationship and you want to forgive it and get over it ?

 

Bad behaviour is punished, not swept aside.

You 'forgive' her, and she won't learn much of a lesson; in fact her respect for you will drop.

 

I’m also noticing I’m really starting to stew with jealously about her previous relationships/sexual experiences. Aspects of her previous sex life that I didn’t really think about before are starting to pop up in my head and bother me. We went out and were drinking with some of her friends the other night (that I’d met before) and she told me at the end of the night that she’d slept with two of the guys there many years ago. One was someone she quasi-dated, and the other was a drunk mistake. Now, even though that’s not my favorite thing in the world to hear, I understand we all make mistakes and I’d normally just let it roll off. Between that and the alcohol, I ended up pretty much being a complete jerk to her the rest of the night after we left.

I think you're being primed for an open relationship, at least on her end.

 

I’m not one of those guys that wants a virgin or a prude. I want an open-minded, mature sexual woman, but instead I feel I misjudged things a little and got an insecure, slutty little girl who makes bad decisions when drinking. And I’m regressing into an insecure, jealous guy who ruminates over his girlfriend's sexual past, even though it's pointless and you can't change anything.

Not just when drinking.

She went back to this guy 2 more times.

She stayed in a relationship with him for a while.

 

She's probably still stuck in the 'experimenting' phase of her life, playing with types of relationships.

In terms of what you want out of one, you got a teenage girl on your hands.

 

The retroactive jealously aspect of things does make me wonder. Everybody loves to say “past is past,” and I do believe that people can mature and grow from past mistakes, but I can’t help but kick myself wondering if I overlooked blatant red flags.

Ppl who say that are often ppl who either want to excuse their choices in life [to not pay attention to the past], or who have a past.

They are hardly neutral parties.

Yes, there were some red flags.

 

 

Like I just should’ve judged her and dumped her on the spot when she admitted to cheating on someone in the past.

It should have raised an eyebrow, and made you mindful of the future.

 

The other aspect of the “past is past” argument is that, if it truly is the past, it shouldn’t have much bearing on the present. When there are still people hanging around that you’ve slept with, maybe the past does matter a little bit. I’ve talked to her a little about some of my ex’s and she’s admitted that there are a few things that make her a little jealous, but I moved here a few years ago, so there are really no ex's or flings that I’m in constant contact with that she has to hear about or see when we're together. I'm pretty good about ending relationships once I feel they're over because I don't like carrying baggage into the next one.

If the past is the past why are we doomed to repeat it if we don't know it, and why do ppl study it with great care in many industries.

The past is important, and if someone says they 'grew from it', watch their actions and not their words.

Words are cheap.

 

 

And I realize I just need to get over it, if we’re going to move on.

 

Things between us are still pretty early in the grand scheme of things. I’ve heard of plenty of couples where one party or the other went out and “explored” another option early on the relationship—although usually the other party has no idea and things progress like normal. So I’m glad she was honest with me about everything—she always has been.

Yeah, she told you right after sleeping with him, oh wait .... she slept with him, slept with you, and then slept with him twice more.

And now she told you that she has the option of being with him, even though she's in a relationship with you.

 

A normal bf/gf would have broken all contact with the other party.

 

 

Everything else about our relationship has been great. She’s kind, intelligent, very introspective,

Read above .... many times, for the bolded part.

 

and a little bit quirky (which I absolutely adore). We’re always totally honest with each other. Our communication has always been excellent. The sex is amazing. I’m just completely turned off by how everything has played out. Although I want a real long-term relationship and definitely see potential in her, I’m starting to wonder if I should just let things run their course until she moves in the summer and chalk this one up as a short-term fling. And maybe they're right about saying you shouldn't date someone you sleep with on the first night? (even though it takes two, and I'm just as guilty)

 

 

Thoughts?

And what if she gets pregnant ?

Or if she gives you an STD.

 

Dump her, she's incapable of being in a good relationship with you.

[Babolat]

Past is past! Unless it becomes present.

 

You were right to ignore the past. but she cheated you in the present.

 

She told you she made a mistake and she feels a shame of her self. It's can be a mistake if it happens once. if it happened 3 times, it's not a mistake. It's more like poor judgment. Poor judgment is not something you can remove in one day. It can take time, and also can fail to be fixed.

 

So the question you must ask yourself is: Do you want to be her guinea pig, to see if she can fix her poor judgment personality she has. it might take a lot of time while you're the one who suffers.

 

Man... She cheated 3 times! She lied to you. Are she planning to see this professor even one more time in her life?

 

I like this reply. My ex gf had a very decorated, crazy, party lifsteyle past. That did not bother me. What mattered was the present, how she acted and behaved in the present. Though she talked a lot about change, I still saw the same patterns she described from her past.

 

Regarding sex/cheating, after we broke up, she continued to come back to me with regular "self improvement" updates and yes, sex. We had sex every 2-3 weeks. alwasy initiated by her contacting me. I did not want to date her as she had a lot to work on. I was not dating, i still cared for her, so it felt Okay to me.

 

We got back together after 8 months. She announced, after we'd been back together for a few weeks, that she had slept with her ex fiance during those 8 months. Okay I think, when? During the same time her and I were having sex. Okay I think. She said it was a mistake. Yet, it happened more than once, and from the time period she mentioned, her and I were having sex the exact same 2 week period. Gross and disgusting I thought. She said she did not love him, they were not compatible and that the sex was so much better with me. I asked her to stop talking at that point. I had heard enough. Morals, values, character, weak boundaries. All questionable for me with her.

 

I could never move past that (amonst other things the 2nd try).

 

You need to move on IMHO. She cheated on you. Having sex on the first date too, no matter how great the connection was, was a red flag for me when reading this post.

Edited April 15, 2014 by Babolat

[Spectre]

The thing is though the past does matter. We have seen countless times throughout history(not just in regards to sex) that past behavior CAN be an indicator of future behavior. I am not saying people can't change, but some people on these boards feel like the past doesn't matter at all, but that is a lie. It's not that black and white. People can change, but the past still does matter.

[bubbaganoosh]

Your right. She's honest but for a reason. She's honestly telling you that she cheats and you have to put up with it.

 

You now have to be honest and tell her that it's not her honesty that turns you off but her lack of respect and inability to be committed in a relationship.

 

Time for you to let her know and move on. Your getting a front row seat for the sneak peek preview of your life with her if you really get serious with her. You like what you see? Well it's going to get a lot worse so pack up and get out while you still have any pride and dignity left.