Is reconciliation possible in these circumstances? :(

[whatsherface]

Hey everyone, I am in desperate need of some advice.

 

I broke up with my long-distance ex three months ago. We dated for a year and eight months and we spent the last six months of our relationship doing long distance.

 

I broke up with him because I felt like the long distance was causing me to lose my feelings for him. Two days before the breakup we got into a huge fight over something super small. We didn't talk for three days (even though he was messaging me) before I made the decision.

 

Now, however, I feel absolutely miserable everyday. I miss him a lot and I feel like I made the wrong decision in breaking up with him. I miss him every single second of my life, sometimes I feel like I can't make it through another day. I can't even escape him in my sleep because I dream about him constantly. I don't think I've ever felt this miserable over anything in my life. No other breakup has been this bad.

 

I contacted him two weeks after our breakup and I told him I wanted to see if we could talk it out. He said I hurt him a lot and that he didn't want to give it another try at the moment. Two months later (so basically last week), I called him because I missed him a lot (sigh, I know, I know). He told me he missed me too but that he didn't really want a relationship at the moment. He said the way that our last fight went really made him lose feelings for me. I was heartbroken, I asked him if there was any possibility we could work it out and he said he might come back in the summer and that we could talk it out then. We talked for an hour before we hung up. He promised he'd call the next day.

 

He did call the next day but the conversation wasn't very long, which was fine because I had to pack and run a lot of errands since I was going on vacation with my family. The night before my trip he called me and wished me a good trip and we talked for a little while. The next day he texted me for a bit before my flight. I was so happy.

 

On Facebook, however, I see him liking photos of hot girls and flirting with them. I hid him from my newsfeed because seeing that is so devastating. I don't know what to do. I'm on vacation and I'm so miserable. I can't stop thinking about him and it's driving me absolutely insane! We haven't spoken since my flight (which was a couple days ago). Should I message him?

 

Do you guys think we have a chance?

How do I survive this breakup? Please help.

[d0nnivain]

You will survive the break up. You already know what it's like to not have him physically in your life.

 

 

Not everybody can handle an LDR. You couldn't. So unless there is an immediate probability that the distance will end soon, you would just be going back to the same problems.

 

 

The 1st few days / weeks after a break up are tough. It's change & change is always hard.

 

 

each day will get easier.

[whatsherface]

Thank you for your response d0nnivain!

 

He plans on coming back to our city next summer so if we did get back together it would be about another year of long distance which isn't too bad since he visits every 2-3 months.

 

However, it's already been three months since we've broken up. I don't know why, but I feel like it's getting worse instead of better. I try really hard to keep busy and move forward but he's always on my mind. It's so frustrating.

[CaliBabe]

I think reconciliation is possible but you need to go full NC and work on yourself. You can't be there waiting for him and constantly contacting him, that is unattractive.

 

Take some time for yourself, really make yourself the best version of you possible and see how you feel once your self esteem is really high. You might not want him anyway.

 

Are you sure he isn't seeing anyone else?

[whatsherface]

@Calibabe: I'm pretty sure he isn't seeing anyone else. I'm just scared that since we're both away from each other, if we don't talk then we won't be able to work on this. I also feel like if we don't keep in contact then he'll see no point in coming back for the summer. Since he messaged me first last time, I feel like I should message him?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

@Calibabe: I'm pretty sure he isn't seeing anyone else. I'm just scared that since we're both away from each other, if we don't talk then we won't be able to work on this. I also feel like if we don't keep in contact then he'll see no point in coming back for the summer. Since he messaged me first last time, I feel like I should message him?

 

I'm going to be harsh and I'm sure you wont like it and some won't either.

 

You are being selfish and wishy washy. You chose to break up with him, just to regret it days later. Now, he is choosing to move on right now, you feel dejected because he isnt sure he wants that anymore. You can't expect him to just take you back after what you did. Should have thought about your decision more.

 

You need to leave him alone. Fully. No texting, no "I miss you", no Facebook crap. NOTHING. Leave him alone. You chose to not be with him, you let him know you made a mistake, he wasn't responsive of it....so thats it. He obviously still cares, but let HIM make that decision. You've done enough.

[Simon Phoenix]

@Calibabe: I'm pretty sure he isn't seeing anyone else. I'm just scared that since we're both away from each other, if we don't talk then we won't be able to work on this. I also feel like if we don't keep in contact then he'll see no point in coming back for the summer. Since he messaged me first last time, I feel like I should message him?

 

You can't work on something with someone who doesn't want to work on it. You need to let go and see if he wants to work on it without you pushing him. If you badger and pester him you'll either a) continue to drive him away or b) give him absolutely no motivation to change the current status between you two.

[whatsherface]

@ConfusedHumanBeing: I'm not being wishy washy because I know I made a mistake and I want to fix it. I know what I want, I just don't know how to go about it. I don't expect anything, but if it seems like there's an opportunity to work on this then I want to try. And hey, harsh is good, but the whole "you should have thought out your decision more" and "you've done enough" is honestly really not helpful. I've mulled on this a lot and that's why I posted here because I really need some constructive advice.

[whatsherface]

@Simon Pheonix: Yeah you're right. I'll just keep NC then and see if he messages me or comes back for the summer. Thanks!

[Simon Phoenix]

@ConfusedHumanBeing: I'm not being wishy washy because I know I made a mistake and I want to fix it. I know what I want, I just don't know how to go about it. I don't expect anything, but if it seems like there's an opportunity to work on this then I want to try. And hey, harsh is good, but the whole "you should have thought out your decision more" and "you've done enough" is honestly really not helpful. I've mulled on this a lot and that's why I posted here because I really need some constructive advice.

 

It's constructive in the fact that if you don't recognize that you've jumped the gun, then you are prone to making the same mistake whenever problems come up. He doesn't trust you now because of it and he might not ever trust you again. But learn from it, don't defend it or get upset when it's brought up.

[whatsherface]

@Simon Pheonix: I understand that. I have been reflecting a lot in the past three months and I do recognize the mistakes I have made. During my first conversation with him, I apologized for what I had done (not because I expected anything, but because I was truly sincere). And you're right, he said that he wasn't sure if things could go back to the way that they were. In our next convo, however, he said we could talk when he came back in the summer. At this point, I just really want some insight on what to do or how to proceed.

Edited April 11, 2014 by whatsherface

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

@ConfusedHumanBeing: I'm not being wishy washy because I know I made a mistake and I want to fix it. I know what I want, I just don't know how to go about it. I don't expect anything, but if it seems like there's an opportunity to work on this then I want to try. And hey, harsh is good, but the whole "you should have thought out your decision more" and "you've done enough" is honestly really not helpful. I've mulled on this a lot and that's why I posted here because I really need some constructive advice.

 

 

It actually IS helpful and I am giving constructive advice. Leave him alone.

 

There is no "proceeding". Whats done is done. Move forward and leave him alone. If he wants to try again, he'll let you know. Thats all you can do. Again, you've done enough. Doing anymore will make it worse.

Edited April 11, 2014 by ConfusedHumanBeing

[Simon Phoenix]

@Simon Pheonix: I understand that. I have been reflecting a lot in the past three months and I do recognize the mistakes I have made. During my first conversation with him, I apologized for what I had done (not because I expected anything, but because I was truly sincere). And you're right, he said that he wasn't sure if things could go back to the way that they were. In our next convo, however, he said we could talk when he came back in the summer. At this point, I just really want some insight on what to do or how to proceed.

 

There is no proceeding. You have to move forward, do your own thing and if he decides to communicate with you, then you do the work to rebuild the trust. But at this point he knows you want to reconcile (even if he doesn't trust your motivations), so continuing to belabor the point without some correspondence from him isn't going to do you much good.

[Lifegoezon]

You were the dumper right? Well around these parts we say it's your job to do the 180 if you want him back. But you have to be absolutely certain it's what you want and you're not going to let him down again. You should wait until you're positive on that score and take the chance that by then he may have moved on. He may already know he doesn't want you back. That's his right as you threw him away. Sounds like he's not convinced there's a future for you but he is talking to you, which is a start. Either way it's not his place to contact you, you do have to go after him. If he says no then you have to let him go.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

You were the dumper right? Well around these parts we say it's your job to do the 180 if you want him back. But you have to be absolutely certain it's what you want and you're not going to let him down again. You should wait until you're positive on that score and take the chance that by then he may have moved on. He may already know he doesn't want you back. That's his right as you threw him away. Sounds like he's not convinced there's a future for you but he is talking to you, which is a start. Either way it's not his place to contact you, you do have to go after him. If he says no then you have to let him go.

 

She has already contacted him. There is no need to keep pressuring. She already asked the golden question of she wanted to try again.....he said (twice I might add) that he does NOT want a relationship right now. If she keeps asking like she is doing, its only going to look incredibly needy and clingy. He has already said no. If he wants it again, he will defiantly let her know.

[Lifegoezon]

She has already contacted him. There is no need to keep pressuring. She already asked the golden question of she wanted to try again.....he said (twice I might add) that he does NOT want a relationship right now. If she keeps asking like she is doing, its only going to look incredibly needy and clingy. He has already said no. If he wants it again, he will defiantly let her know.

 

Fair enough. Neither sounded like unequivocal pleas to try again at first reading but I guess they count. I do think there's hope as he is still voluntarily contacting you in spite of saying he doesn't want a relationship. He's most likely confused about what he wants. You''ll need to be patient and let him sort out his feelings. But don't hold your breath or have high expectations.