i'm so fed up with him!

[jennie]

i am really fed up with this guy! we've been together for almost three years now and for the most part things have been good.

 

lately tho they have really really sucked! i am finding out his opinions of me in the last few weeks cause when we fight(which isn't very often) the truth comes out.

 

so are real and true feelings spoken when people are mad? if i chose to believe this then he has such a low opinion of me and the only way i can change it is to conform to what he wants.

 

today his mom called and asked me to help tomorrow with her daughter and the two kids, they are all sick and she has a broken arm.

 

i told her honestly that i don't want to expose myself to the flu, but that if she had any errands to run i would help her with that.

 

well she called her son (my boyfriend) and told him what i said. he said "can't you ever do anything nice for anybody?"

 

this really hurt my feelings, as i am not selfish, or at least i try not to be. i try to put myself in others shoes so as to give me an idea of how to respond.

 

this guy can be so sweet and so loving and so generous yet be so mean, cruel and hurtful. that is why it is so hard to leave him.

 

i'm sitting here now tho seriously contenplating it, if only i had the flippin money, i think i would honestly just leave.

 

if i'm not what he wants anyway, why does he stay with me? he says cause he loves me, but then all he does is put me down cause i don't want to get sick.

 

well excuse me but i have my daughter and my grandson at home too, and i don't want to get them sick nor myself, is that really selfish?

 

if so then i am wrong, but if not, then i guess i'm just plain ole selfish. it seems the only way this is going to ever work is for me to be what he wants me to be and i think i can't change enough to tolerate him....jennie

[jennie (I GUESS NO ONE HAD AN ANSWER HUH?)]

i am really fed up with this guy! we've been together for almost three years now and for the most part things have been good. lately tho they have really really sucked! i am finding out his opinions of me in the last few weeks cause when we fight(which isn't very often) the truth comes out. so are real and true feelings spoken when people are mad? if i chose to believe this then he has such a low opinion of me and the only way i can change it is to conform to what he wants.

 

today his mom called and asked me to help tomorrow with her daughter and the two kids, they are all sick and she has a broken arm. i told her honestly that i don't want to expose myself to the flu, but that if she had any errands to run i would help her with that.

 

well she called her son (my boyfriend) and told him what i said. he said "can't you ever do anything nice for anybody?" this really hurt my feelings, as i am not selfish, or at least i try not to be. i try to put myself in others shoes so as to give me an idea of how to respond. this guy can be so sweet and so loving and so generous yet be so mean, cruel and hurtful. that is why it is so hard to leave him. i'm sitting here now tho seriously contenplating it, if only i had the flippin money, i think i would honestly just leave. if i'm not what he wants anyway, why does he stay with me? he says cause he loves me, but then all he does is put me down cause i don't want to get sick. well excuse me but i have my daughter and my grandson at home too, and i don't want to get them sick nor myself, is that really selfish?

 

if so then i am wrong, but if not, then i guess i'm just plain ole selfish. it seems the only way this is going to ever work is for me to be what he wants me to be and i think i can't change enough to tolerate him....jennie

[Tony T]

Hi, Jennie:

 

I read your post four or five times over as many hours, trying to figure out what you wanted here. It sounded more like a rant...like you were just trying to talk this out for yourself...get things off your chest.

 

I even read it one more time just now, and most of the questions you pose are answered by yourself at the same time. It still seemed like a rant. And that's perfectly OK...we need to get things off our chest and what better place to do it that the LoveShack forum.

 

Then I happened to remember what Dr. John Gray said in "Women are From Mars, Women are From Venus." He said women don't really want solutions when they are upset, they mostly want to be listened to.

 

So I actually listened to you FIVE, that's 1-2-3-4-FIVE, times. I did my duty as a man to listen and not to offer a solution, especially when I could not find a problem.

 

But, even still, I just want you to know that I listened, I hear you, I am here for you, but I don't dare offer any solutions...because it appears that you have things well under control...that you wanted to be heard...and MOSTLY because Dr. Gray would kick my butt if I even tried to do more than listen.

 

What Dr. Gray didn't say in his book is that there are situations where a guy can't win one way or the other...and I suspect this is one of them. Answering would get a guy in hot water and not answering has already got him in hot water.

 

Then I just remembered...Dr. Gray is divorced...he was married to Dr. Barbara D'Angelis, another author who talks about relationships a lot in her books and on TV. Maybe that sort of disqualifies him from trying to tell us what women want or don't want because he couldn't even pull off his own marriage.

 

Hey, figure if they couldn't make it, how are they supposed to tell me what you may or may not want.

 

But God knows, some of us men really do try hard!!!

[jennie (I GUESS NO ONE HAD AN ANSWER HUH?)]

o.k. tony that was quite a good come back! i liked that one too. i guess i was ranting more or less or looking also for validation that i was or wasn't wrong to not want to go babysit for them when they are all sick!

 

i don't want to get sick and bring that home to my grandson who was already in the hospital for three days with that rsp virus..

 

anyway, i did talk to my boyfriend and he apologized for what he had said, he said that since i've been on celexa that i've been more distant.

 

i don't see it except i know i don't want to put up with a bunch of crap right now cause i'm going through my own problems let alone trying to help others.

 

so i told him if he wanted a social butterfly to go find one cause i am not and will not be one. he says he loves me and wants me so i told him he needs to quit putting me down cause it was killing my self worth and self esteem and putting distance toward him.

 

o.k. i know i'm going on and on again, sorry, i just needed to vent again! sorry about all the confusion! any suggestions to about what to say to this guy next time he decides to get a bug up his butt and shoot me down.?

 

i know you guys bond and go into your caves to settle things, but yes we do need validation that we are worthy, but more from our selfs then you martians...... jennie

 

p.s. i'm really working on it too! thank you! ! ! !

Hi, Jennie: I read your post four or five times over as many hours, trying to figure out what you wanted here. It sounded more like a rant...like you were just trying to talk this out for yourself...get things off your chest. I even read it one more time just now, and most of the questions you pose are answered by yourself at the same time. It still seemed like a rant. And that's perfectly OK...we need to get things off our chest and what better place to do it that the LoveShack forum. Then I happened to remember what Dr. John Gray said in "Women are From Mars, Women are From Venus." He said women don't really want solutions when they are upset, they mostly want to be listened to. So I actually listened to you FIVE, that's 1-2-3-4-FIVE, times. I did my duty as a man to listen and not to offer a solution, especially when I could not find a problem. But, even still, I just want you to know that I listened, I hear you, I am here for you, but I don't dare offer any solutions...because it appears that you have things well under control...that you wanted to be heard...and MOSTLY because Dr. Gray would kick my butt if I even tried to do more than listen. What Dr. Gray didn't say in his book is that there are situations where a guy can't win one way or the other...and I suspect this is one of them. Answering would get a guy in hot water and not answering has already got him in hot water.

 

Then I just remembered...Dr. Gray is divorced...he was married to Dr. Barbara D'Angelis, another author who talks about relationships a lot in her books and on TV. Maybe that sort of disqualifies him from trying to tell us what women want or don't want because he couldn't even pull off his own marriage. Hey, figure if they couldn't make it, how are they supposed to tell me what you may or may not want. But God knows, some of us men really do try hard!!!

[Tony T]

There is nothing I can do to change your guy, to make him more compassionate, more willing to listen.

 

But I can totally assure you that you are not ever wrong in what you feel. And I think it's an absolute matter of commen sense human survival not to want to go somewhere where you can get sick.

 

Drugstores do carry surgical masks to the next time this comes up, go get one of those masks, put it on, and then you can take a can of Lysol disinfectant along...spray it ahead of you...and go see your sick relatives.

 

I hope you will not hold it against me for offering a solution to this problem. It's really all you can do.

 

I am sorrier that there is no way I will ever be able to change your guy. Hell, he can't even do that himself.

[jennie (I GUESS NO ONE HAD AN ANSWER HUH?)]

well thank you again! actually that was/is a good idea to wear a mask! i will try to remember that next time! thanx for listening, that means alot to me since no one else seems to! jennie

There is nothing I can do to change your guy, to make him more compassionate, more willing to listen. But I can totally assure you that you are not ever wrong in what you feel. And I think it's an absolute matter of commen sense human survival not to want to go somewhere where you can get sick. Drugstores do carry surgical masks to the next time this comes up, go get one of those masks, put it on, and then you can take a can of Lysol disinfectant along...spray it ahead of you...and go see your sick relatives. I hope you will not hold it against me for offering a solution to this problem. It's really all you can do. I am sorrier that there is no way I will ever be able to change your guy. Hell, he can't even do that himself.

[Carol]

You are not her damn sevant and so what if you do not

 

want to help

 

Do not even bother how she or anyone feels

 

Just keep to your feelings and look after

 

yourself

 

You are not in the relationship for her and the

 

kids also

 

Surely she can ask someone else for help and

 

not overburden you with her hangups she cannot

 

handle

 

I have a message too on top and my name Carol is

 

in it Perhaps you have some advice for me

 

x

i am really fed up with this guy! we've been together for almost three years now and for the most part things have been good. lately tho they have really really sucked! i am finding out his opinions of me in the last few weeks cause when we fight(which isn't very often) the truth comes out. so are real and true feelings spoken when people are mad? if i chose to believe this then he has such a low opinion of me and the only way i can change it is to conform to what he wants.

 

today his mom called and asked me to help tomorrow with her daughter and the two kids, they are all sick and she has a broken arm. i told her honestly that i don't want to expose myself to the flu, but that if she had any errands to run i would help her with that.

 

well she called her son (my boyfriend) and told him what i said. he said "can't you ever do anything nice for anybody?" this really hurt my feelings, as i am not selfish, or at least i try not to be. i try to put myself in others shoes so as to give me an idea of how to respond. this guy can be so sweet and so loving and so generous yet be so mean, cruel and hurtful. that is why it is so hard to leave him. i'm sitting here now tho seriously contenplating it, if only i had the flippin money, i think i would honestly just leave. if i'm not what he wants anyway, why does he stay with me? he says cause he loves me, but then all he does is put me down cause i don't want to get sick. well excuse me but i have my daughter and my grandson at home too, and i don't want to get them sick nor myself, is that really selfish?

 

if so then i am wrong, but if not, then i guess i'm just plain ole selfish. it seems the only way this is going to ever work is for me to be what he wants me to be and i think i can't change enough to tolerate him....jennie