are we getting anywhere?

[maefrae]

i apologize in advance if this seems to be a long thread. i just feel theres too much that needs to be explained.

 

before i met my ex, i was a shy, overweight, and antisocial. the only relationships i had with guys were online. i eventually lost weight and started drinking a lot. i was getting a lot of attention from guys and i wasnt at all prepared for it. i ended up taking pictures of myself because i had never seen my body that way before. i was proud and i would sometimes send them out to guys i met on dating apps.

 

i met my ex from one of those apps. he was 19 and i was 25 at the time (now 21, i am 26). i knew he was too young and he wasnt exactly my type but i was at a point in my life that i wanted to give people chances. you never know.

 

well i met him in person the day after we met on the app. i had a lot to drink, thats the only way i can let loose and be social. we ended up making out and having sex. he went home and texted me and asked if i wanted him to pick me up again, i said yes and we went back to his house.

 

i ignored him a few weeks after we met. i wasnt sure if it was what i wanted. he tried very hard and he was always so touchy and i wasnt used to that. i had never had a real boyfriend before, he was my first. he eventually grew on me and moved in with me and i loved having him around. he was so sweet and did everything for me. he texted me all the time and we talked on the phone all the time and he honestly was the best.

 

things started happening.. he had me on such a high pedestal. he thought i was perfect. but i wasnt. i had a past. almost a year before i met him, i had sex with people i regret. i talked to too many guys online and even though i stopped talking to them months before i met my boyfriend, they ended up contacting me again and my boyfriend would see. i would try to explain to him and reassure him and i would show him me blocking their numbers but he had his mind made up. i was a cheater. he ended up snooping and found old conversations with people, he found my pictures. my image was ruined. i was a dirty cheating slut. i dont think i am a slut. i lost my virginity at 22 and had sex again at 24. within 3 months i had 6 partners but i dont think i was handling myself right. i had a new confidence and i was getting attention i never had before and i didnt know how to say no.

 

he forgave me and stayed with me. i ended up moving in with him at his familys. we were arguing a lot. not having much sex. i was stressed and homesick and all i wanted was him to be around but he just went out all the time and left me at home.

 

we had our last argument as a couple on new years eve. i texted him all night and wanted him with me but he couldnt because he had work and didnt want to be around someone in my family. i begged him to come see me for a few minutes and then he could go be with his friends. he texted me at 1:45 and just told me "love you, happy new years". i expected more... he ignored me all day new years and finally called me late at night and broke up with me. he said he wasnt happy and he was tired of thinking badly of me and being mean to me.

 

i kept begging and begging and two weeks later he finally came and got me and brought me back to his house. when he was asleep i went snooping and found conversations with a girl. i had never felt so hurt before. my body shook and i couldnt breathe. he tried to calm me down and i just kept telling him i was sorry. sorry for everything i did, how i acted towards the end of our relationship, and sorry for snooping.

 

i noticed a hickey but i let it go because we were broken up and i know it was just a mistake.

 

its 3 and a half months later now and i guess were at an ok place. hes back to talking to me regularly. i stay at his house again off and on. he tells me he loves me and he misses me. were hugging again, kissing on the lips again. even though all that is happening, i still feel like i want more attention. i know he still talks to the girl but he swears theyre just friends. i know he doesnt love her. i understand he may be talking to her because he grew fond of her company and i suppose grew attatched. i am ok with him having girls as friends. he tells me no one loves him the way i do, no one cares about him. hes constantly going back and forth from loving me and being there to being iffy about us. hes trying to better himself so he can be more confident. he tells me he wants to move in with me and he wants to get back together with me but hes just scared that my behavior is still the same. (even though i didnt really have a cheating behavior while i was with him, he just found old things.)

 

 

does it seem like were getting anywhere? if the only reason hes scared to commit is because hes scared ill hurt him again, how do i better reassure him that i wont? i dont have a phone anymore. i dont go on facebook anymore... im trying hard to make him feel better and more secure with me. i love him very much and i would do anything for him. hes not the hottest or the strongest. he has a pacemaker and i dont think anyone would appreciate him and love him and take care of him the way i could. im not sure what im asking here... i think i just want someone to hear me out and tell me the truth on what they think is happening. if its worth me sticking around. i want love again, i want how he used to be. but he tells me its hard for him to go back to the way he was. he wants to but he needs time and hes sorry. he says he doesnt want me to hurt...

 

again im sorry for rambling. once i start, i just cant stop.

[Orfeo]

I think you need to focus more on your lack of self-confidence than anything else. Your entire post is full of self-doubt. You apologize when you open the post and apologize again when you close it. You apologized to him for something that happened in the past and he's "forgiven you." Really?

 

Are you sure you should even be in a relationship right now? I'm not trying to make you feel bad or anything; I'm asking you to take a long, hard look at yourself and don't hold anything back. You seem to apologize for EVERYTHING. Why is that? And if you feel that way, do you think you should really be in a relationship? I know it's hard to be confident but sometimes you have to have a little more faith in yourself. It's a turn off when people are so apologetic for themselves. How bad can you possibly be as a person?

 

I want to share with you a very wise quotation: "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell can you love somebody else?" Think about that. Love yourself a little more before you get into any relationships. Try to accept that maybe you're not as bad as you think you are. Worry first about yourself and then about being in a relationship. I'm sorry if this isn't the answer you were looking for but I truly hope it helps you in your life's journey. Good luck!

Edited April 11, 2014 by Orfeo

[maefrae]

everything you say makes sense. i do need to work on my self confidence. and i am constantly saying sorry. when im with him, he gets very moody. he gets mad easily and sometimes blames me for things. i know its not healthy.

 

the other night he came and picked me up from my aunts which is 30 minutes away from his house. he was texting me all day and all night saying he missed me and wanted me in his bed and he wanted to hold me. i wanted all that too so i let him come get me. when he got there he had 0 gas. the next morning when we started the car to get gas and to take me home it stopped because he had no gas. he got mad and said "i knew i shouldnt have came and got you" i apologized over and over. the other day there was a mistake on his resume and he got mad and broke his fan and said why do bad things always happen when youre here. i said i was sorry.

 

i know these things arent my fault, i just say sorry because i want to make the situation better. im sick of saying sorry to him. im sick of feeling like things are my fault. when hes calmed down he tells me hes sorry and he knows i didnt do anything. and he tells me hes glad im still here for him even though all he does is get mad at stupid things. i want to always be here for him. im hoping when he lands his job and is making money again, he wont be so stressed.

 

in the beginning of our relationship he never blamed me for anything. i feel like im just like a reminder of bad things so he associates me with anything thats bad. he says hes trying to be better and he is... im just trying very hard to make up for anything i may have done to him in the past. im sweeter, im more loving, more affectionate. everything was just new to me in the beginning and i didnt know how to be. ever since he broke up with me my walls are down and im just trying to show him i can be better than i was and he appreciates it and he wishes i was like this in the beginning. i tried... it was just hard to express myself.