Ex is depressed and inappropriately reaching out [updates]

[Smurf03]

I won't give too much of a back story, but basically my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me, whilst still in love, saying he needed to be alone and cpuldnt be in a relationship. But 'maybe in the future...' Anyway...

 

Anyway he started texting me after 2 weeks NC and even asked to meet up. Before agreeing to this I asked what his intentions were. He said he was sad, lonely and depressed but still couldn't be in a relationship. I organized a phonecall for the next day to set firm boundaries with him (don't contact me unless you want to reconcile. NO breadcrumbs please!)

 

The next day he text saying he couldn't talk to me because he isn't strong enough, had been in bed all day and was feeling too depressed. He suggested rearrange for the next day but I simply ignored it and said it was ok. He then Sent a few more texts saying sorry, asking if I was ok etc.

 

I don't know much about depression, but I knew he was depressed for years before meeting me then got out of it. A couple times when we were together he'd slip back in but I'd pull him out quickly. Any thoughts on what I should do? I want us to leave things on a positive, so we can both have time to feel of reconciliation is really a possibility.

[Smurf03]

My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me a month ago. To cut a long story short, his reasons didn't really make sense, he just said he still loved me very much but couldn't be in a relationship. He was very very upset when he saw me face to face to end it properly (was done over the phone initially).

 

Anyway 3 weeks later and his birthday popped up. I wish him happy birthday and he initiated a conversation, saying he was so glad i got in contact etc. After a few texts he suggested meeting up. Before agreeing, i asked what he felt about us. He told me he was feeling depressed, sad and lonely and was missing me but he still couldn't be in a relationship right now, 'maybe in the future' he said. I asked a close mutual friend of ours how he felt my ex was coping with the break up, to which he replied you can tell he is really struggling. I said no to meeting up with him, but suggested a phonecall. I told him that although i still disagreed with the BU, i was okay with it now and felt we should discuss boundaries and draw a line under the whole thing. He agreed and told me to phone him the next day.

 

Sooooo i tried phoning him the next day. No answer. I get a text from him saying 'i'm not strong enough for this yet, i've been in bed all day, i'm so sorry i can't do it'. I just replied with 'It's okay'. He then asked me if i was okay and i told him i was. He told me he was happy for me.

 

A couple days later i was on a night out, and stupidly i text him simply expressing how much i was disliking not being in a relationship. He text back saying he agreed, it is sad and asked me if i was still awake and why was i up. I told him i was back from a night out and apologised for texting him. He hasn't replied.

 

Any thoughts? Is he regretting it? What should i do now? He's been checking my facebook aswell. He's asked me if i'm okay a lot. It's as if he is trying to gauge how i'm coping. He isn't acting like himself and his mutual friends also agree. I'm confused!

[zen2475]

I think you should go NC. Sure, I've been miserable after I've broken up with (dumped) someone, and I was confused. But that didn't mean I was having second thoughts.

 

 

But that was just me.

 

 

He told you he doesn't want a relationship right now, and you need to pay attention to that.

 

 

Give him the time and space to figure out what he really wants. Continuing to text him, telling him you miss him, and asking what he thinks isn't doing anything for you.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me a month ago. To cut a long story short, his reasons didn't really make sense, he just said he still loved me very much but couldn't be in a relationship. He was very very upset when he saw me face to face to end it properly (was done over the phone initially).

 

Anyway 3 weeks later and his birthday popped up. I wish him happy birthday and he initiated a conversation, saying he was so glad i got in contact etc. After a few texts he suggested meeting up. Before agreeing, i asked what he felt about us. He told me he was feeling depressed, sad and lonely and was missing me but he still couldn't be in a relationship right now, 'maybe in the future' he said. I asked a close mutual friend of ours how he felt my ex was coping with the break up, to which he replied you can tell he is really struggling. I said no to meeting up with him, but suggested a phonecall. I told him that although i still disagreed with the BU, i was okay with it now and felt we should discuss boundaries and draw a line under the whole thing. He agreed and told me to phone him the next day.

 

Sooooo i tried phoning him the next day. No answer. I get a text from him saying 'i'm not strong enough for this yet, i've been in bed all day, i'm so sorry i can't do it'. I just replied with 'It's okay'. He then asked me if i was okay and i told him i was. He told me he was happy for me.

 

A couple days later i was on a night out, and stupidly i text him simply expressing how much i was disliking not being in a relationship. He text back saying he agreed, it is sad and asked me if i was still awake and why was i up. I told him i was back from a night out and apologised for texting him. He hasn't replied.

 

Any thoughts? Is he regretting it? What should i do now? He's been checking my facebook aswell. He's asked me if i'm okay a lot. It's as if he is trying to gauge how i'm coping. He isn't acting like himself and his mutual friends also agree. I'm confused!

 

You are making a lot of mistakes here.

 

Quit talking to him. He broke up with you. Quit trying to read into anything else.

[Smurf03]

I made it clear that I wanted to talk on the phone to draw a line under everything. It should make him feel better. Why is he avoiding it?

 

I get it though. I'm going strict NC. I've deleted his number. He can come to me if he wants.

[KaliLove]

You're ignoring a major factor here. He is massively depressed and he is not making any effort to fix himself. You can't do it for him. Until he gets the help he so clearly needs, nothing you do or say will get through to him. To use a common phrase, he's using you as an emotional tampon. He's doing this push/pull stuff with you and will continue to do so until you put a stop to it.

 

None of what he's doing or saying means anything right now..you really need to quit reading into it. You also really need to stop communicating with him. Neither of you is equipped to be friends at the moment and what you're doing is really unhealthy for both of you.

[Smurf03]

He's a very complicated person. Rules that apply for normal guys don't usually apply for him. So I'm worried the NC rule wouldn't be effective. Worried that he won't want to 'ruin my happiness' if he thinks I'm doing okay. That's only why I was considering LC.

[Simon Phoenix]

He's a very complicated person. Rules that apply for normal guys don't usually apply for him. So I'm worried the NC rule wouldn't be effective. Worried that he won't want to 'ruin my happiness' if he thinks I'm doing okay. That's only why I was considering LC.

 

If I had a nickel for every person on here who has claimed their ex was different I'd be a millionaire.

[Smurf03]

If I had a nickel for every person on here who has claimed their ex was different I'd be a millionaire.

 

Haha I bet you would! I'm probably just being an idiot, I know!

[BC1980]

He's a very complicated person. Rules that apply for normal guys don't usually apply for him. So I'm worried the NC rule wouldn't be effective. Worried that he won't want to 'ruin my happiness' if he thinks I'm doing okay. That's only why I was considering LC.

 

I said the same thing. I was really hard headed about my ex and my relationship being different. My story sounds so similar to yours. My ex would text me, call me, ask to meet up, say he missed me. So I would fall for it every time. Of course, he said maybe we could work in the future. He even sent me a birthday gift in the mail. Of course, when I asked his intentions, he just couldn't be in a relationship now. But he just wanted to be friends so badly because he didn't want to loose touch forever. Sound familiar? You'll find this scenario is pretty common if you hang around the forum long enough.

 

I posed a similar question in a thread awhile back and followed the advice of the posters vs. people who were close to me and my ex. My question was about sending a birthday card to my ex's son with whom I was very close. Everyone on LS said don't do it, but most of my friends said to do so. I took the advice of LS and am so glad I did. Listen to people who are objective right now. Don't listen to people are too close to the situation.

[KaliLove]

Haha I bet you would! I'm probably just being an idiot, I know!

 

Not an idiot..just very very naive. Sorry hon but this is not going to end well for you.

[Smurf03]

I said the same thing. I was really hard headed about my ex and my relationship being different. My story sounds so similar to yours. My ex would text me, call me, ask to meet up, say he missed me. So I would fall for it every time. Of course, he said maybe we could work in the future. He even sent me a birthday gift in the mail. Of course, when I asked his intentions, he just couldn't be in a relationship now. But he just wanted to be friends so badly because he didn't want to loose touch forever. Sound familiar? You'll find this scenario is pretty common if you hang around the forum long enough.

 

I posed a similar question in a thread awhile back and followed the advice of the posters vs. people who were close to me and my ex. My question was about sending a birthday card to my ex's son with whom I was very close. Everyone on LS said don't do it, but most of my friends said to do so. I took the advice of LS and am so glad I did. Listen to people who are objective right now. Don't listen to people are too close to the situation.

 

Wow. Sounds extremely familiar!! Did you go NC eventually?

 

I've deleted his number now and will try and get back on the road to recovery.

[Smurf03]

Not an idiot..just very very naive. Sorry hon but this is not going to end well for you.

 

Well hopefully NC starting now will salvage my recovery. Hopefully!

[TaraMaiden]

Well hopefully NC starting now will salvage my recovery. Hopefully!

 

Yes, it will - on one condition, and one condition only:

 

That you mean it, and implement it absolutely 100%, for 100% of the time.

And remember, if he tries to get in touch with you, that's not 'breaking No Contact'.

 

YOU break No Contact - if you then respond.

He could just as well march up and down like a one-man band, on your front lawn, making a hellish racket, at 3am - that's STILL not breaking No Contact - but if you open the window and ask him to cut the noise out fer chrissakes - BAM!

He has your attention.

 

Read the link in my signature, for how to do it properly.

[BC1980]

Well hopefully NC starting now will salvage my recovery. Hopefully!

 

You have to be serious as a heart attack about not breaking it. It's really difficult the first few months. It was awful for me at some points, but I was so dead serious about keeping it. I couldn't stand to he humiliated again.