am i being paranoid?

[xhiliration]

i've posted on here as a guest so I'll just give you the bare bones before heading into new issues. My boyfriend has a friend (a girl) whom I don't like. I don't think he's sexually attracted to her, so I don't worry to much about them fooling around..but I don't trust her motives (in that she may be interested) and I think that she's innappropriate with boundaries (bringing him baked treats to work, asking to be picked up from school, home, fussing over his clothes etc, overall she's to familiar). He doesn't do a good job with setting boundaries with her either.

 

Ok, so now that you know that, it's probably obvious that I get uncomfortable when they spend time together. I'm not against their being friends, so long as he keeps me informed about when they're going to hang out etc, and so long as he keeps the limits clear ( I mean, that's just respectful to me, right?)

 

Anyway, so this week while at his apartment I was helping him with something on the computer and noticed that she had emailed him. I know that the minute I saw her name on the screen I should have looked away, but nosey me, I look at the title of the email, which was CALL ME, LUNCH TOMORROW? or something like that. Now this bothered me. He's been hesitant to tell me in the past about their friendship or when they go out etc, I think b/c he knows it bothers me. But the less he tells me, the more standoffish I get when I do find out that they've been hanging out.

 

So my question is: Am I being paranoid by letting that email bother me and make me semi-suspicious? A few weeks ago a similar situation happened (working with him on the computer) and I saw that she emailed him about a ski weekend. I've been cheated on before, so I feel like I should listen to my instincts but I really do trust him.

Am I a paranoid psycho or am I validated? So confused......

[alphamale]

Originally posted by xhiliration

(bringing him baked treats to work, asking to be picked up from school, home, fussing over his clothes etc, overall she's to familiar

 

Am I a paranoid psycho or am I validated? So confused......

 

No, XHILIRATION, your suspisions are justified. The tip off is the baked treats. In my past experience (i'm almost 40 yrs old) anytime a woman brought me "Baked treats" it usually meant she wanted something more.

[xhiliration]

Oh, I totally agree! I def think that she'd like something more. But I don't think that he does...I really don't get the feeling that he's interested in that relationship way. What bothers me is that she persists with it, and he doesn't tell me about it.....but how do you ask someone to not be friends with another person? And I'm guessing thet he doesnt' think it's that big a deal so that's probably why he doesn't tell me, but it bother me anyways. And I don't even know how to bring it up, b/c I wasn't really supposed to be looking at the email part of the screen anyways....

I don't know what to do with this situation. It bothers me and it's getting in the way of the relationship.

 

But thanks for your feedback, it was much appreciated!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by xhiliration

I don't know what to do with this situation. It bothers me and it's getting in the way of the relationship.

 

But thanks for your feedback, it was much appreciated!

 

you need to tell him that you want to be included in SOME of their outings, not all of them. this way you three can spend time togehter and you can "mark" your territory, so to speak. this will also send her a strong msg to lay off your man.

 

and if he said "no" definitively to this then you know something funky may be going on

 

understand?

[xhiliration]

trust me, i understand. we've spent time together, and he's not adverse to it. i , personally, don't like being around the girl. she's to attention hungry and acts entirely to familiar with me; she's to in my face like she's known me for years and I personally don't like that. she's not my type of person, and i don't want to spend time with her or get to know her more than i do. i see her every now and then and that's enough for me.

 

i guess what i was trying to get out of this thread was some feedback on whether or not i was being unreasonable with my suspiciouns and uncomfortableness with their friendship and the fact that i know she's been emailing him to hang out and go do things. esp he hasn't gone on any of her suggested outings yet. though i suppose it is sketchy for him not to mention it...but then again, maybe its not that big a deal.

 

see, i'm chasing myself in circles

 

 

[alphamale]

Originally posted by xhiliration

i guess what i was trying to get out of this thread was some feedback on whether or not i was being unreasonable with my suspiciouns and uncomfortableness with their friendship

 

no you are not being unreasonable cause you KNOW she wants more than friends w/ him.

 

what would he think if the tables were reversed and u were hanging out with some dude who was running after u???

[Mz. Pixie]

Well, I have a good guy friend that I have brought baked treats before- for his birthday or Christmas- and trust me, I'm not interested in him sexually, however I can see how this may be the case.

 

In my experience some guys are not really aware of when girls are hitting on them- in situations like this. For instance, my best friends' husband was being flirted with by a co-worker. He didn't get it- that she was hitting on him, I mean seriously he did not. He would NEVER cheat. Anyway, he invited a bunch of co workers to a party at his house and this girl showed up. It was obvious by her actions she was attracted to him. I've known him for 12 years and she got into a argument about how she knew him better than me. His wife (my b/f) was like "Wait just a f in moment" After the party he was aware of her attraction to him by her actions and he stopped the friendship. Sometimes I think the woman just about has to throw cat on him to get him to notice!

 

I think it's only fair that he be upfront with you about her- when he's going- etc. My b/f has two female friends he went to college with- and they've all stayed friends through divorces etc. I don't have a problem with them hanging out because I know it's just friendship- but I do want to know when they are calling, when he is calling them and when they are getting together. To me that is just courtesy. I would do the same for him.

[xhiliration]

right, i agree!! i don't really care that they are friends, but i want to be informed,and i want him to set limits with her. i feel like her baking him treats (not for his birthday or any special even, just for the hell of it) having him pick her up or drive her home, go to her apartment to fix things, whatever whatever, is not appropriate. And his not setting limits on these things is kind of disrespectful, no? either way, he and i have had this discussion, and i've let him know that i'm cool with them being friends so long as he keeps me in the loop.

 

but

 

i'm not sure that he does. last time they hung out, i found out b/c i called in the middle of their lunch. and when they go out they go to places that he and i don't go together but are much nicer than the places we go. i don't know if that's b/c she's a snob and won't go anywhere else, or what. but i get bapped when i suggest nicer places like that to go out too.

 

and, this past week...i accidentally (i swear accidentally) saw while we were working on the computer that she'd emailed him about a ski weekend, then some email sent 3 times that said something along the lines of call me, lunch tomorrow miss you. i don't know why but that really pissed me off and made me suspicous. plus he's said nothing to me about her wanting to hang out. i don't consider that keeping me in the loop. i think it's shady, to be honest.

 

now i feel like a psycho and i don't know what to do. but i'm spending to much time thinking about it.

 

and, to boot, i'm a lil' tippsy while typing.

[xhiliration]

and i apologize for my gross misue of the forms of to and too.

 

[JoL]

Hmm..it all sounds very suspicious to me. Women have a sixth sense when it comes to this sort of thing- i have always gone with my gut feeling about situations.

 

Although i have never been cheated on, i have been 100% right when a girl has been interested in my boyfriend.

Guys dont "get it" for some reason, they are quite oblivious, perhaps to protect our feelings, or perhaps because they are genuinely only interested in us (their girlfriends) so they dont look beyond that. I dont know what the reason is..but guys are quite blind in such circumstances.

 

I would flat out ask your boyfriend if would like it if you had a guy friend who would bring you baked treats, lunch with your at nice places and take you away on ski weekends.

 

THEN see his reaction! ha!

[Sharmaine]

Sorry but your b/f must be a really 'dense' guy, if he can't see that his female friend is hitting on him. Are guys really that dumb btw??? I don't know of any guys that dumb!

 

I reckon he knows full well what his female friend is up too, perhaps he's secretly enjoying the attention from two females, gives em a massive ego boost. Seems to me to be encouraging her behaviour, going away on ski-ing trips, picking her up from school, emailing her, accepting her 'treats' (he's treating her as a guy would a girlfriend)........wouldn't surprise me if he was treating himself to her other goodies too. Something he's not gonna readily admit is it?

 

Could be wrong I guess, but I think there's defo more to this than meets the eye or than he's having you believe.

[very-confused-girl]

Yeah, he really looks that he is dumb. You should have seriously talk to him about what is bothering you. But really, this is not healthy, the girl is treating him like if he was her boyfriend and your boyfriend is ok with it.

 

I would feel very insecure too, if I was in your shoes, but theres one thing that would literally upset me - the thing about him and her going to fancy places. That would really hit the home in my case. I am not the sort of girl who expects the guy to be giving me presents etc., but it makes me feel good if my boyfriend sometimes take me to a nice dinner and give me a flower. It makes me feel like his princess and it is impressing.

 

But he seems to be going with her to nicer places than with you. It means that he most likely is starting taking you for granted. Another thing - when he goes with her to these places, who pays?

 

Either way, its highly inappropriate. If your boyfriend is the one who pays for both of them, then it should really make you feel neglected, that you are not worth him taking you to these places. And if the girl is the one who pays for them, in that case he is letting her subsidizing him, which is not good either.

 

I think that she is even trying to take your authority away - what I mean by that is that she is trying to show you that she could take care of him better. She is doing things to take care of him like women do take care of their men by baking him stuff. Thats completely insaulting your position as a girl, who can take a good care of her man.

Its almost like saying: "Look, I can cook and take care of him!" Because the truth is that traditionally guys are attracted to girls who can take care of the family from the perspective of cooking and maintaing the household.

[emopunk]

My fiance' gets annoyed with me due to the fact I will talk to women if they approach me... I'm just being myself and am totally oblivious to the fact that these women are flirting with me... But I have a long history of density when it comes to things as applied to myself. ...that was really confusing sentence...

 

I'm just trying to say that quite frequently guys dont realize when they're being hit on. We communicate the best we can in those situations, and sometimes it comes off as flirting. Unintentional, but flirting just the same...

 

Food for birthdays or holidays is one thing. But food out of the blue? That's odd. Now women think that food is a good way to get a guy's attention... but in fact we don't usually see beyond the fact that we were just presented free food. Who wouldn't take up that offer unless they were trying to make a point?

 

But no, I don't think you're out of line in being suspicious. Total communication is a good thing in relationships. And a lack of it implies lies or ommissions. That's a severe response but is usually the case. I'd say talk to him and get things straight... your thoughts, his thoughts, and future actions.

 

A real, loving relationship will work through this and grow from it.

[very-confused-girl]

Originally posted by emopunk

 

Food for birthdays or holidays is one thing. But food out of the blue? That's odd. Now women think that food is a good way to get a guy's attention... but in fact we don't usually see beyond the fact that we were just presented free food. Who wouldn't take up that offer unless they were trying to make a point?

 

I think that guys DO see beyond that. At least subconsiously. When a girl brings guy a food, somewhere deep inside of him it MUST develop a feeling: "This girl is capable of taking care of our potential future family".

 

I think that the girl is really trying to set herself into a role of a "mother". This is what would bother me at most being in Xhiliration´s shoes. Really. Because this means that this girl is completely trying to steal her man in a VERY MANIPULATIVE way. And why manipulative? Because it is the easiest and most certain way how to impress the guy! She is going to doing this "caring" things for him until she gains some success with that.

 

I can tell you, my boyfriend has some female friends, good looking and attention-liking as well, but I do always feel a bit funny and territorial especially about the "caring" ones. The ones that would always offer a help to my boyfriend when he is ill or has a problem. But they are not genuinely interested in helping him, they just want to make me look silly and hopeless. And thats what can piss me of because THATS MY JOB TO BE TAKING CARE OF MY MAN. These girls are trying (and they dont even know about it) to prove the guy they are interested in, that they ARE MORE CAPABLE than his actual girlfriend, and that really sux.

 

So I think, Xhiliration, you should SERIOUSLY talk to your boyfriend and make a short process with that BITCH. And maybe suggest start baking stuff or cooking for him so that you keep him in a relationship.