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When a man's been cheated on and doesn't care why...

Hopeful30

By Hopeful30,
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Hopeful30

Hopeful30

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I have a guy friend who has been cheated on, and when I asked if he knew why she did it (because perhaps this could give him insight into the relationship and what he could do in the future such as avoid this type of woman or don't make certain mistakes), he said he didn't care.

 

To me this sounds like he either a) really doesn't care about relationships or b) is too insecure to talk about it. I suppose my question is, what does this mean?

 

I'm just trying to be a good friend and see that he's miserable because relationships haven't been working out for him, and after he said this I realized it's perhaps largely in part due to him. Aren't the majority of people curious as to why someone would cheat on them? Or has he just accepted that women are "like this" and doesn't care to explore further?

 

Thoughts?

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soccerrprp

soccerrprp

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Well, your reasons may be legit, but some other reasons:

 

1. He cheated and doesn't want you to know

2. He wants to put it past him and simply doesn't care what the reason was.

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Hello_is_it_me

Hello_is_it_me

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I have a guy friend who has been cheated on, and when I asked if he knew why she did it (because perhaps this could give him insight into the relationship and what he could do in the future such as avoid this type of woman or don't make certain mistakes), he said he didn't care.

 

To me this sounds like he either a) really doesn't care about relationships or b) is too insecure to talk about it. I suppose my question is, what does this mean?

 

I'm just trying to be a good friend and see that he's miserable because relationships haven't been working out for him, and after he said this I realized it's perhaps largely in part due to him. Aren't the majority of people curious as to why someone would cheat on them? Or has he just accepted that women are "like this" and doesn't care to explore further?

 

Thoughts?

 

You're gonna have to dig deeper. It could be anything. Could be some mild dissociation. Or maybe he was also cheating. Or, my favorite: maybe he truly doesn't care (a truly ALPHA response; which these type of people that can just get over stuff I've always been envious of). Anyways you need to talk to him more and use more angles to see what's going on. But not so much you're a pest.

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Keenly

Keenly

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If some one murders my parents, I don't give a flying crap WHY they did it. They still did it. The pain is still present and very real. Its not like knowing why will garnish any sympathy.

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hasaquestion

hasaquestion

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I have a guy friend who has been cheated on, and when I asked if he knew why she did it (because perhaps this could give him insight into the relationship and what he could do in the future such as avoid this type of woman or don't make certain mistakes), he said he didn't care.

 

To me this sounds like he either a) really doesn't care about relationships or b) is too insecure to talk about it. I suppose my question is, what does this mean?

 

I'm just trying to be a good friend and see that he's miserable because relationships haven't been working out for him, and after he said this I realized it's perhaps largely in part due to him. Aren't the majority of people curious as to why someone would cheat on them? Or has he just accepted that women are "like this" and doesn't care to explore further?

 

Thoughts?

 

When will you women figure this out:laugh:

 

He cares a lot about it. And he's thought about it for hours and hours. Its just none of your business.

 

Guys don't talk about those personal, emotional things.

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Hopeful30

Hopeful30

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If some one murders my parents, I don't give a flying crap WHY they did it. They still did it. The pain is still present and very real. Its not like knowing why will garnish any sympathy.

 

In the case of cheating though, it could be something he did or is doing that pushes these women away. I would imagine that men would want to know why women stray or cheat so they can work on themselves and create better relationships in the future.

 

Cheating isn't a personal quality. Women cheat because something is missing in the relationship. If men can figure out what this is, their relationships could be more satisfying.

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Hopeful30

Hopeful30

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When will you women figure this out:laugh:

 

He cares a lot about it. And he's thought about it for hours and hours. Its just none of your business.

 

Guys don't talk about those personal, emotional things.

 

You're absolutely right. I guess I just really want him to open up and deal with these things rather than continue to be his insecure, defensive self. It's hurting him and the women he has been dating (those that I know of anyway). In the end I suppose it's not up to me, he has to get there on his own.

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Gaeta

Gaeta

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I was in a 4 year relationship in which I was cheated on. I also do not care why he did, nothing in my eyes justifies cheating, if he was unhappy he could have talked to me or leave. As far as I am concerned I was loving and devoted to him in every aspects of our relationship. His cheating has nothing to do with me.

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Keenly

Keenly

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In the case of cheating though, it could be something he did or is doing that pushes these women away. I would imagine that men would want to know why women stray or cheat so they can work on themselves and create better relationships in the future.

 

Cheating isn't a personal quality. Women cheat because something is missing in the relationship. If men can figure out what this is, their relationships could be more satisfying.

 

You will never.... EVER get me to go down the road of blaming the victim of cheating.

 

 

If she had a problem with the relationship, she should of grown the ovaries to leave. Instead she cheated.

 

Its not his fault the cheating took place, its 100% hers, and it makes me want to throw up when people imply that the cheatee deserved it.

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Hopeful30

Hopeful30

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You will never.... EVER get me to go down the road of blaming the victim of cheating.

 

 

If she had a problem with the relationship, she should of grown the ovaries to leave. Instead she cheated.

 

Its not his fault the cheating took place, its 100% hers, and it makes me want to throw up when people imply that the cheatee deserved it.

 

I never implied nor suggest such a thing. But the majority of people, in my experience anyway, are NOT mature enough to confront a partner with particular problems and instead look to other places to fill that void.

 

My friend needs to recognize this quality in other women and avoid them so he doesn't keep getting cheated on. At the same time, what if these women confront him about problems they are having in the relationship and he doesn’t care? Or doesn’t bother working on them? Then he could be contributing to what would drive these women to cheat.

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Fondue

Fondue

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The real question is, what's it to you?

 

Seems like you're just being nosey. Stop it.

 

This **** is private. He wants to keep it to himself.

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Valen

Valen

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Asking why is like shifting the blame back to oneself, don't let the cheater get that satisfaction. Moving on with indifference is the best respond. Your friend is doing the right thing.

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Hopeful30

Hopeful30

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The real question is, what's it to you?

 

Seems like you're just being nosey. Stop it.

 

This **** is private. He wants to keep it to himself.

 

Cuz he keeps getting cheated on and complains he can't find a good woman. In order to understand why not, he needs to evaluate this.

 

In response to another poster, yes he has cheated before too. I asked him why, he said "I dunno".

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Gaeta

Gaeta

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My friend needs to recognize this quality in other women and avoid them so he doesn't keep getting cheated on.

Tell me, how do you recognize a cheater? They don't have a red neon flashing in their forehead and most people don't introduce themselves as : Hello my name is Jane and I am a cheater.

 

 

At the same time, what if these women confront him about problems they are having in the relationship and he doesn’t care? Or doesn’t bother working on them? Then he could be contributing to what would drive these women to cheat.
What drives these women to cheat? So you are saying some cheating is justified? When your boyfriend can't bother to work on your relationship you leave, period.
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Valen

Valen

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Cuz he keeps getting cheated on and complains he can't find a good woman. In order to understand why not, he needs to evaluate this.

 

In response to another poster, yes he has cheated before too. I asked him why, he said "I dunno".

 

So he has cheated on his partner before and he has a history of dating cheaters. Then he really doesn't care because he's knows what he getting into.

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Gaeta

Gaeta

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In response to another poster, yes he has cheated before too. I asked him why, he said "I dunno".

How old is this precious man?
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ExpatInItaly

ExpatInItaly

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Perhaps he just doesn't care to discuss that with you. The pain could be quite deep and not something he wants to re-hash. That's his personal business. If he doesn't seem keen to talk about it, leave it alone.

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dragon_fly_7

dragon_fly_7

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Since he has a history of cheating before, he probably doesn't care if it's done to him. Maybe he knows who he's getting involved with, hasn't ever gone over the whole shocking process of getting cheated by someone he trully loved and therefore can move on easily.

 

Even if I were in love with a potential bf, I would careless about the reason he cheated. If someone cheats, if because he/she can and simply wanted to. I wouldn't care about what were the reasons. There is no need to. They cheated and that's all I need to know to move on.

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thecrucible

thecrucible

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I cheated on someone in the past...and I could have gone and told him why but I didn't think it would achieve anything by telling him. I just didn't want to talk to him ever again. It was because he neglected me for several months and made no effort in the relationship. I did really hurt that guy though :(

 

 

I actually think it would have been kind of arrogant to have been like "I cheated on you and here's why...". I mean, how's that supposed to have made him feel? It would have made it sound like I was justifying it. At the time, I didn't even understand why myself. It took some reflection for me to realise. I have regretted it ever since.

 

 

I decided to just leave him in peace and I did. Even though he called me up and wanted to talk about it, I refused to because we had broken up and I didn't think I owed him an explanation. But then he found my actual reason for it by finding my forum account and reading all my posts. A LOT OF DRAMA ensued.

 

 

Maybe the guy in the post just thought that knowing why would open a whole barrel of worms and that it was better to move on than dwell on the past...

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Woggle

Woggle

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I don't care why either. I just know that she will be out of my life the minute she does. I have too much self respect to be blaming myself for how other people treat me. If a woman can't be mature enough to discuss issues like a rational adult instead of going to another man then good riddance to her.

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GemmaUK

GemmaUK

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All situations and relationships are different.

 

I got cheated on by someone years ago and I know the reason why and I take responsibility for my part in that. There were times when I couldn't be as attentive as I normally would be and I had other things on my mind aside from 'us' being one of my bigger priorities.

 

I dated someone whose partner cheated on him. He wasn't willing in anyway to see things from her side.

He worked away all week and barely contacted her. He would roll up on Friday night at silly o'clock and would expect her to stay up late and do his washing for him (as a start off) and then expect a loved up weekend.

 

He didn't give her enough attention from the sound of what he said about it all.

He also changed his behaviour with me in one way as his ex had told him it was always 'his way or no way' which again leads me to think she can't have been terribly happy. What he changed was actually pretty odd and was somewhat annoying whenever we were out as he would proceed to give me every single choice of drink or food from the menu when we went somewhere when I had already made my choice and was happy with it. It kinda felt like he thought I wasn't bright enough to make a decision for myself! :laugh:

 

He didn't take any responsibility for being cheated on at all though and could see nothing wrong with not being in touch with her all week and then expecting things to be all fine at weekends.

 

My mum was married to someone before she met my dad. Husband #1 was physically violent toward her.

She eventually managed to get out with just the clothes on her back and the help of a friend.

She told me all about it when I was in my teens and she took her own responsibility for it and was fully aware that she didn't listen to her instincts and enabled Hubby #1's behaviour and let it get progressively worse.

 

It may well be that your friend just doesn't want to talk about his situation but also he just may not want to look at why it keeps happening. He may truly believe that it has nothing to do with anything he did just like the guy I dated.

 

I always think it's a good thing to look into why something went wrong no matter what happened - but that is just me.

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Imported

Imported

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In the case of cheating though, it could be something he did or is doing that pushes these women away. I would imagine that men would want to know why women stray or cheat so they can work on themselves and create better relationships in the future.

 

Cheating isn't a personal quality. Women cheat because something is missing in the relationship. If men can figure out what this is, their relationships could be more satisfying.

 

You mean like morals? Honesty? Respect?

 

Women that have been raped, do you think maybe they were just wearing clothes that revealed too much and they should think about what they did wrong so scumbags don't rape them?

Edited by Imported
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Wisecrack

Wisecrack

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All this cheating on or cheating with and then reasoning why you are in the right. Is it really that hard people to simply move on? If the SO and you are not working out, move on. I was in this situation once - the one cheated on and stupidly tried to take her back only for her to dump me. But the thing is experience builds wisdom. Were it to happen to me again, I would not have a second thought to simply walk. If you don't have values to stand by what do you have?

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Hopeful30

Hopeful30

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How old is this precious man?

 

28

 

A.

I always think it's a good thing to look into why something went wrong no matter what happened - but that is just me.

 

Exactly. I don't know why this blame game even started. I just think it could be very insightful.

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Keenly

Keenly

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How can you say that you aren't blaming the victim yet at the exact same time say " women cheat because there is something missing "

 

 

No..

Women and men alike chest because they are cowards and have no respect for their bf/GT/marriage

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