When a man's been cheated on and doesn't care why...

[GemmaUK]

Ah, ok, I get what you're saying then. Basically, some people ignore red flags that they really shouldn't ignore. Makes complete sense, not that the BS is at fault, just that sometimes they don't take enough care when there are somewhat obvious signs.

 

I apologize for the confusion., and thanks for the example, it helped.

 

Yes! That's it!

No need to apologise at all.

 

I am by no means 'blaming' the one who was cheated on but more often than not they do have 'some input' into being in a relationship where they end up being cheated on.

[Hopeful30]

And cheating helps in exactly what way?

 

It doesn't. But like I mentioned in a previous post, many people aren't mature enough to confront their SO with certain issues (or don't know how). Or maybe they don't even know what's missing, they're just attracted to the missing quality outside the relationship and find it easy to cheat.

 

I never said it helps. But it's a symptom of a larger relationship problem most of the time. I don't understand where all this blaming the victim crap is coming from. All I said was that I think my friend should evaluate the circumstances to see why he was cheated on. How does that make him the bad guy? It's simply getting insight into how the relationship was and perhaps gain some insight which could be helpful in the future.

 

Just like how you should evaluate why you got dumped. Sometimes its incompatibility, sometimes its out of the blue and your'e completely blind sighted. Does that mean the person who got dumped is to blame? No. But it could give some insight if a particular pattern of behaviour keeps making you be dumped.

 

I don't understand people's confusion with this...

 

When a persons behavior perpetually screws up their relationship it evokes a response from their SO. However the manifestation of that response depends on their SO. Some react good (call for resolve/breakup) and some react bad (cheating). But in the end the response is completely dependent on the SO not the instigator. There is no behaviour that will 100% cause any arbitrary person to cheat. Hence cheating is always an illogical and unnecessary choice.

 

YES EXACTLY! That's what I'm trying to say and i'm surprised people ar emissing it completely. Cheating isn't the answer ever, but if its a pattern among the people you date, it may be his behaviour that gets this reaction out of women. And it may be helpful if he knows what that is or at least spot it before the woman strays (whether that means cheating or not).

 

I agree. This is why I universally condemn cheaters (of both genders).

 

In my opinion, if a person has cheated once in their life, regardless of the circumstances, I will forever doubt their integrity.

 

That's a bit harsh. I think people make mistakes. I also think it depend on the person they were with. I've been with men who have cheated on previous women (not all of them, but it's happened) and yet they never cheated on me in the short period of time we were together (at least not that I know of). We had a happy, honest and healthy relationship where it was much easier to discuss things than look for it in others. His exes weren't like that.. they were dramatic and jealous etc etc. And no, thats NOT an excuse to cheat, he should have just left them. But in some cases, when another woman came along, it made him easier to cheat.

 

These long strings of terrible relationships happen in the first place because of who somebody is, what they're familiar with, and what they seek out.

 

EXACTLY! And what I'm trying to do is get my friend to analyze this so he can at least avoid these potential relationships in the future (which sometimes lead to his women cheating). Finally someone who gets it!

 

I had a girl cheat on me 44 years ago. I was in the army. She got pregnant and told me it was mine. I married her and found out it wasn't shortly after the marriage.

 

40 years later I finally make contact with her and I had one question and that was "why". she gave me the reason. Wasn't good enough. She could have given me a litany of excuses and none would be good enough.

 

Same thing for your friend. Cheated on and the why's, and what fore's don't matter. It can't undo what's already been done.

 

Well of course nothing will justify it. But what if she told you "cuz I always wanted to talk to you about something in particular and you would never listen to me - so when this new guy asked, I ended up pouring my heart out and one thing led to another..." Of course that doesn't JUSTIFY cheating, but at least you could see what led her to do it (the fact that you pushed her away in a particular instance, or weren't able to recognize that she was hurt when you didn't wanna hear it etc..)

 

All this knowledge is always beneficial in a future relationship. I certainly don't see how it could be detrimental.

 

Yes, that's what I getting at. I am not trying to blame the person who was cheated on but they had input in a relationship where one sought sexual and or emotional stimulation outside of the relationship. If the cheater was totally happy in that relationship then they aren't likely to have cheated.

50% of the responsibility for a good healthy happy relationship is down to one partner and the remaining 50% is down to the other partner.

 

It's like the cheating is the only reason a relationship went wrong when actually often it isn't and there were other problems in the relationship before the cheating happened.

 

EXACTLY! (for many cases, not all - and I suspect this about my friend, which is why I'm trying to encourage him to think about it at least)

 

Despite what many seem to think on this thread, when a person cheats, it is the fault of the CHEATER, not the one being cheated on.

 

We don't blame the rape or murder victim do we? So why would we blame the victim here?

 

Who is putting blame on anyone? This is about evaluating what went wrong or what pushed the other person to cheat. In the end everyone is responsible for their own actions.

 

People are really sensitive to this topic on this thread. So many started the blame game when all I posted was how to get him to evaluate his past relationships in many of which he was cheated on - to either detect a pattern or be able to notice which kind of woman cheats. Oy!