Codependency

[Marblex3]

Hi all, was just looking for some support with my current situation. My ex bf and I are in our late 20's. We have been on and off for such a long time; I never wanted to be in that kind of relationship, but no matter what happens, literally, no matter what, we always wind up contacting one another and trying again. We have never cheated on each other, but are almost addicted to each other. We had a lot of good times too, but during the bad, we got pretty mean with each other. For the longest time, I would just sit and think, "what is wrong with me? I love him but we obviously aren't working, why can't I just let him go and heal, and move on to a healthier relationship?" I started seeing a therapist, and we discovered that my ex bf and I were in a codependent relationship. My ex-bf is an alcoholic and has anger issues, and I have low self esteem and jealousy. I not only relied on him for my happiness, but I thought I could make him want to change and be a better person; I thought I could essentially fix him and make him better. He on the other hand blames me for all the bad decisions that he makes and thinks everything is my fault on and off. My therapist also told me that codependent relationships are very complex and hard to break out of, which explains why him and I keep going back. I know that he and I need to be alone, to learn, fix, and heal all that has happened between us. We officially started no contact (again) a couple of days ago. I have gone to therapy and know there is a problem and am trying to take the steps to correct my issues through therapy and CoDA meetings. He on the other hand sometimes thinks he has a problem and sometimes does not, so I know he is not there yet. Even though I know we are not right for each other, I am still having a difficult time. I miss him every day, everything reminds me of him, and I am focusing on all the good times that we had. I want so badly for him to realize what I realized and get help to fix himself too. I care about him so much still. Does anybody have any experience with this, or any advice? Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

[me85]

Your story is the same as mine. I wish us both the best of luck. Just wanted you to know you are definitely NOT alone. Hang in there!!

[ayala]

I'm in a similar situation, only I'm taking care of my own issues while still with him. Sometimes I think we're not right, but it makes me realize that it's like I'm giving up. That's not what I want.

 

I can change me, but he has to change himself. It's his decision and choice but I'm not going to rely on him for support. I can only rely on myself.

 

You need to work out your issues first before you could think about helping someone else. Once you're content with the way you are and who you are, then you can start to guide him. You can't really directly help him or he'll feel "pushed and pressured" but you can guide him in the right direction.

 

Get him a stress ball or something to help relieve his tension when he gets angry.

Get him to distract himself instead of drinking - a new hobby that engrosses him perhaps.

Give him space when he's angry to let him cool down. Let him realize he can't talk to you when he has emotions raging.

 

Just little things can make a difference.

 

Whether or not you're meant to be, no one knows. It's whatever you make it to be.

[The Like Fairy]

Does anybody have any experience with this, or any advice? Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

 

Yep I have a lifetime of experience with it, about 4 1/2 decades or so (45 years).

 

The answer is to learn all you can. You need to read books. Slowly and thoroughly. More than once, until it really sinks in your noggin.

 

Enlightenment is a process. No time like the present to get started!

 

Here's where to start (get the books free at local library if no money to purchase):

Codependent No More - Melody Beattie

Beyond Codependency - Melody Beattie

Women Who Love Too Much - Robin Norwood

 

Also, google "codependency recovery books". Reading really is a very important tool - knowledge IS POWER.

 

Start reading all you can at the website:

 

Baggage Reclaim dot com,

 

and another website called:

 

Lisa E Scott dot com. (also known as Vain Encounters dot com)

 

 

I also found another website recently I really enjoy:

 

ChumpLady dot com

GettinBetter dot com

 

myptsd dot com

 

There are many, many more.

 

Start reading, it will be the tool to guide you in the right direction and give you strength and hope for a better future, without drama, pain, and codependency. Cheers to you dear!

Edited May 17, 2014 by The Like Fairy

[Taramere]

My therapist also told me that codependent relationships are very complex and hard to break out of, which explains why him and I keep going back. I know that he and I need to be alone, to learn, fix, and heal all that has happened between us. We officially started no contact (again) a couple of days ago. I have gone to therapy and know there is a problem and am trying to take the steps to correct my issues through therapy and CoDA meetings. He on the other hand sometimes thinks he has a problem and sometimes does not, so I know he is not there yet. Even though I know we are not right for each other, I am still having a difficult time. I miss him every day, everything reminds me of him, and I am focusing on all the good times that we had. I want so badly for him to realize what I realized and get help to fix himself too. I care about him so much still. Does anybody have any experience with this, or any advice? Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

 

I think a lot of people on here have probably been in a situation similar to the one you describe. Your self esteem can start to depend on the other person continuing to need you. If the relationship fails, you feel as though you've failed - so you have to keep trying to make it work, even though rationally you know you'd be happier out of it.

 

Do you think you've always had that tendency (towards being codependent) or is it a trait that developed/intensified into something destructive as a result of being in a relationship with an alcoholic? I have one problem with the whole "co-dependence" thing, and that is that there are many, many people out there who have addiction problems or mental health issues. The odds, for people who want to have a relationship, of getting into a relationship with somebody with pretty problematic issues are really quite high. It's not necessarily fair to yourself to assume that you got into that relationship because there's something wrong with you that needed fixed.

 

However...even if you were pretty functional before, once you've been in a long term relationship with somebody like that I think it's going to leave you with some baggage. Maybe enough baggage that you need to get some help in dealing with it. I also think that slipping into codependent behaviour is probably quite normal when you fall in love with somebody who has serious addiction/dependency issues. It's the default position, really, for anybody who's trying to make a relationship with somebody like that work. Especially when they face the realisation that there isn't necessarily another way to make it work. That the only alternative is to end the relationship altogether.

[Carlye_W]

What co-dependency essentially is, is an addiction to the attachment figure that this guy is for you. Everybody needs primary attachment, and I'm tipping that he is the closest person to you and so knows everything about you and you to him. This means you need to TRANSFER that attachment somewhere - either to yourself and/or to someone else trustworthy. This doesn't mean rush out into another relationship. This means find someone with whom you have a secure bond, reach out to people you wouldn't normally reach out to like friends and colleagues, even if this feels unnatural to you.

 

Think of it as though you're hanging off the edge of a cliff. If you only have one finger holding on to that ledge it's less stable and there's a greater risk of falling. On the other hand, if you put all 10 fingers on the ledge, you're more steady and in control and have a greater chance at pulling yourself up. Your support networks are your fingers. Some are smaller and less strong than others but all together they can carry your whole weight.

 

Another thing I'd suggest is to focus on the more positive relationships in your life and let them support you, moreso than trying to cut this guy out. The recovery of your attachment system will allow you to break your addiction to what this guy represents.