So confused

[lost in love]

Well here's my story-My fiance & I have been together for 4yrs now, engaged for 2 of them. We have always had a pretty decent relationship as far as i'm concerned, I mean everyone has there fights. Well our wedding is/was supposed to be in july! This past week he has had this need to go out & spend lots of money on drinking, last night he hit a telephone pole drunk!! He's gotten 1 DUI before & he got into another drunken reck a couple months ago!! The thing is I really hate the alcohol thing(my father was an alcoholic) I love my boyfriend sooooooo much, and if it wasnt for this partying/drinking thing i think we'd be okay. But on his side I understande we are young-he's 22, I'm 21, we should be out having fun & stuff, so we decided earlier this week to postpone the wedding till we/he was ready-after last night I don't even know??? I don't want to hold him back from what he wants to do ie-drinking. But I don't want to lose him. Please help?!?

[Tony T]

It's not surprising that since your father was an alcoholic you would be somehow magically drawn to someone like your dad whose drinking has many negative consequences.

 

No matter how much you love this guy, you will have to postpone the wedding a long, long time...long enough to see if he can control his drinking. A person who drives while intoxicated risks killing himself and murdering others. There are also tons of other problems associated with being around a heavy drinker and having been there you probably are familiar with them.

 

You may love him now but as the DUI's and accidents pile up, and he finally gets jail time, a lot of that love will diminish. He is also not showing a great amount of respect for you or his relationship by putting his life in jeopardy like this.

 

Use your search engine to find sites on alcohol use and associated problems. Call the AAA to get a brochure on the consequences of the type of drinking your fiance is doing now and how destructive it can become if he continues.

 

Just because you are used to living with a father who was sauced a lot of the time doesn't mean your own children should experience the same thing.

 

I think there is hope but you will have to get your guy in some kind of recovery program. I mean...he could kill somebody on the road. What he is doing is really dangerous. Investigate all this very thoroughly and do a LOT of thinking before you marry this dude.

 

Meanwhile, if you get him the right intervention you may be able to get him back on track. Facing the responsiblities of marriage, he needs to give up such childish activity. No matter how much you love him, think about his life, your life, and the lives of your future children.

 

Normally, a heavy drinker will not go into a recovery program until there is a compelling reason to do so...like a court ordered situation, etc. Hopefully, his love for you is sufficient for him to get help. Once you see some meaningful improvement in his behavior, then you can take your wedding plans off the back burner.

[lost in love]

Thanx for writing back Tony, I really appreciate it.Your right in a lot of ways thats pretty much what my family & his are telling me. It's just when will he finally listen, we've told him numerous times about what he's doing, he just doesn't seem to listen. He's a very laid back, positive thinking type of guy. I think so positive that he thinks nothing will ever happen to him. And yeah it is wierd how I magically ended up with someone w/an alcoholic problem. He didn't have a problem when we started dating just normal teenage party drinking. The thing I really think is that he's very influenced by his friends & if their all out drinking he has to too. (the whole peer pressure thing ya know)

was an alcoholic you would be somehow magically drawn to someone like your dad whose drinking has many negative consequences. No matter how much you love this guy, you will have to postpone the wedding a long, long time...long enough to see if he can control his drinking. A person who drives while intoxicated risks killing himself and murdering others. There are also tons of other problems associated with being around a heavy drinker and having been there you probably are familiar with them. You may love him now but as the DUI's and accidents pile up, and he finally gets jail time, a lot of that love will diminish. He is also not showing a great amount of respect for you or his relationship by putting his life in jeopardy like this. Use your search engine to find sites on alcohol use and associated problems. Call the AAA to get a brochure on the consequences of the type of drinking your fiance is doing now and how destructive it can become if he continues. Just because you are used to living with a father who was sauced a lot of the time doesn't mean your own children should experience the same thing. I think there is hope but you will have to get your guy in some kind of recovery program. I mean...he could kill somebody on the road. What he is doing is really dangerous. Investigate all this very thoroughly and do a LOT of thinking before you marry this dude. Meanwhile, if you get him the right intervention you may be able to get him back on track. Facing the responsiblities of marriage, he needs to give up such childish activity. No matter how much you love him, think about his life, your life, and the lives of your future children. Normally, a heavy drinker will not go into a recovery program until there is a compelling reason to do so...like a court ordered situation, etc. Hopefully, his love for you is sufficient for him to get help. Once you see some meaningful improvement in his behavior, then you can take your wedding plans off the back burner.