Marblex3 Posted April 12, 2014 Share Posted April 12, 2014 I posted this in Abuse and addiction, but I feel like maybe I should've posted it here instead, so here it goes: Hi all, was just looking for some support with my current situation. My ex bf and I are in our late 20's. We have been on and off for such a long time; I never wanted to be in that kind of relationship, but no matter what happens, literally, no matter what, we always wind up contacting one another and trying again. We have never cheated on each other, but are almost addicted to each other. We had a lot of good times too, but during the bad, we got pretty mean with each other. For the longest time, I would just sit and think, "what is wrong with me? I love him but we obviously aren't working, why can't I just let him go and heal, and move on to a healthier relationship?" I started seeing a therapist, and we discovered that my ex bf and I were in a codependent relationship. My ex-bf is an alcoholic and has anger issues, and I have low self esteem and jealousy. I not only relied on him for my happiness, but I thought I could make him want to change and be a better person; I thought I could essentially fix him and make him better. He on the other hand blames me for all the bad decisions that he makes and thinks everything is my fault on and off. My therapist also told me that codependent relationships are very complex and hard to break out of, which explains why him and I keep going back. I know that he and I need to be alone, to learn, fix, and heal all that has happened between us. We officially started no contact (again) a couple of days ago. I have gone to therapy and know there is a problem and am trying to take the steps to correct my issues through therapy and CoDA meetings. He on the other hand sometimes thinks he has a problem and sometimes does not, so I know he is not there yet. Even though I know we are not right for each other, I am still having a difficult time. I miss him every day, everything reminds me of him, and I am focusing on all the good times that we had. I want so badly for him to realize what I realized and get help to fix himself too. I care about him so much still. Does anybody have any experience with this, or any advice? Thanks for taking the time to read my story. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted April 12, 2014 Share Posted April 12, 2014 Yep. The only way to break the cycle is to walk away. Block him from all social media/email, change your number, ignore him if you see him in the street. That's the only answer to get out of the addictive cycle relationship. It's a bitch - I rode the merry-go-round for 3 years before I finally put an end to it. But it's doable. You can't save people. They have to save themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marblex3 Posted April 13, 2014 Author Share Posted April 13, 2014 Thank you for your response. What did you to to prevent yourself from contacting him or from going crazy?? Or were you just over it by the time you got out? I'm having a really difficult time. Trying to stay busy but I'm at the age where every single one of my friends is in a relationship and I am not strong enough to hang out with couples yet Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 Thank you for your response. What did you to to prevent yourself from contacting him or from going crazy?? Or were you just over it by the time you got out? I'm having a really difficult time. Trying to stay busy but I'm at the age where every single one of my friends is in a relationship and I am not strong enough to hang out with couples yet One day at a time. It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you don't contact him, that's all you have to aim for. If you remove the ability for him to contact you, that will help prevent a weaker moment. That's why you need to block him from everything. Link to post Share on other sites
maturityassets Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 I suffered from co-dependency as well. It's not easy to overcome. But I did my best. Rode out sweats and locked myself in my room most days that summer after I was dumped. I only relapsed once luckily by contacting myex. Co-dependency for dummies is one of the better books in the "Dummies" series because it has a great author. Ultimately co-dependency is rooted in issues such as self esteem, shame, guilt, anxiety, fear, anger and even depression. Mine stemmed up from child hood conditioning, my dad and his elder brother are co-dependents. Raised in that environment never helped Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marblex3 Posted April 13, 2014 Author Share Posted April 13, 2014 Thank yo both for the advice. I have "Codependency No More" and "Facing Codependence" and like I also mentioned, am going to therapy and CoDA meetings. It is just so hard overall. Hopefully time will be kind to me Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 Yes, I do understand what it is like to love someone and yet have unsurmountable issues to deal with. If the other person cannot change the problematic behaviour, the situation is very stressful. You desperately want them to see the light and get better, but it doesn't work. Sometimes people are just inflexible and will never change and you will go from one low to another with them. Even when there are still highlights and they are the best person you know to talk to, the bad things don't change. Eventually, you start to realise that the good will always be sandwiched with the bad and as long as you are with that guy you will suffer. Don't wait until you cannot stand the pain any longer and your self esteem is zero before realising when you are with an inflexible person. I waited until the pain outweighed the pleasure and it is not worth doing that. Finally, do not believe that because this is not working out for you that it is your fault. When you get with someone loving who also has serious issues you can't deal with and somewhere deep down he doesn't want to deal with, it's easy to believe if you were a better person in some way, this wouldn't have happened. He would have changed. You wouldn't have ended up in such an unhappy relationship with a guy who won't give you what you need. It's not you, it's him. You've given it your best but he's just not going along the same path as you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marblex3 Posted April 14, 2014 Author Share Posted April 14, 2014 Thank you so much for that SpiderOwl. He made me feel like it was my fault so many times, and I often struggle realizing that it was not all my fault. Sometimes it is so easy to see clearly and stay away, other times it is so hard to let go and think about him moving on. I know right now I need to do something I never did in our relationship, and that is to put myself first. I need to be happy in my life first and foremost. It's just so hard when you care so much. How did you finally decide to let go, and how on earth did you do it?? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 I sought intensive counseling to over come codependency issues - which was deeply rooted from my childhood. Melody Beattie's book is awesome! But I had to do a lot of contrary action. I also had to learn how to disengage - rules of engage - first rule is "do NOT engage"! Since you believe he is an alcoholic - it IS best to do no contact. He is the ONLY one to decide if/when he is - and then if he gets help. He probably will need his drinking to get MUCH worse before he seeks help - and you don't want to see that part...much less try to control it or the outcome. You are responsible for YOUR actions - and feelings. He is responsible for his. Intermingling the two is disastrous. Stay on your own side of the street and control your OWN actions and feelings. It gets easier as you practice it. Link to post Share on other sites
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