How do I move forward?

[Tinybutterfly]

I've just got out of a 2 year relationship, which was mostly long distance, I was 19 when I met him and very shy so it was my first relationship. I can not move forward though, no matter how hard I try, I keep re playing everything.. theres something I did which I feel awful for, but friends have told me that it wasn't my fault and I was being abused.. I'm not sure if they're right though. And I can't find closure while i'm so mixed up, trying to figure it out.

 

Just a few of the things that happened between us:

- He constantly tell me he loved me one minute then didn't the next, often disappearing without saying anything then would come back and beg for forgiveness, even crying sometimes

- He was unfaithful, not physically I don't think.. well maybe he was, but I know for definite that he told other girls online that he loved them while we were long distance. He'd then blame it on me, saying I did something wrong or say that he was purposefully trying to get over me because the distance was too hard..

- He would verbally abuse me, he embarrassed me many times over my anxiety issues ( I used to suffer with selective mutism) telling me I made them up to get sympathy and trick people, he'd berate me.. telling me to proof that I was telling the truth or he'd leave. He also accused me of lying about being a virgin when I met him.

- Twice he told me I was only good for sex, nothing else.. and that no one would ever want me, that I should think myself lucky for having him.

- One time I stayed with him, he suddenly told me I had to leave.. I had no money as I'd spent it all on him, I remember trying to contact people back home for help using his laptop (I didn't have one) when he suddenly decided I wasn't allowed to touch his things, it ended with me trying to reason with him while he backed me in to a corner and used force to take it from me.. which I realise, it was his so I should have gave it to him straight away but I panicked

- He got way too drunk one time I was there (he's had fits before and ended up in hospital with fits from drinking too much) so I tried to reason with him to stop, ending with him grabbing me by the wrists and throwing me on the floor.

- Theres been other incidents where he's pushed me, but I will admit one time it was when we were having an argument and I stood in front of the door asking him not to leave until it was resolved, so he pushed me out the way

 

The worst was that he forced me one time.. I can't say it was rape because I was allowing him to get intimate to begin with, but it was after an argument and I changed my mind, telling him I thought we were rushing in to things and we shouldn't yet.. he told me he couldn't.. I don't want to talk too much about that, but I was forced..

 

The thing that I did and I feel guilty for, this was one of the worst months in our relationship.. (just before the last thing I mentioned happened), I was on these pills that made me very over emotional (dianette), resulting in me crying every day for no reason and suicidal thoughts.. anyway, one night we were having sex when he suddenly pushed me off claiming he felt blood, which there wasn't.. he did it in a very rough and mean way as though he was disgusted, then began calling me names and told me that I should consider going back home.. I cracked, threw a pillow at him and then the next day after more name calling from him, I self harmed. I didn't do it in front of him or with any intention of him seeing but he did see later on. Its something completely out of character for me, even to throw a pillow at someone.. my friend thought it was funny but I didn't, I felt awful and he freaked out, told his father that I attacked him.. I kind of do understand his reaction even though I in no way 'attacked' him, but he told me that he had an ex who used to abuse him.. the relationship ended with her chasing him with broken glass, and thats why I felt so awful.. I don't want to be the cause of any emotional or psychological distress to anyone and even though he did awful things to me.. I still feel so guilty. For a year after that we remained together and when he was unfaithful I took it because I felt like I owed it to him due to me losing it that one time.. but since then, friends I've told some of this to.. they insist I was abused and can't believe that I let myself get to that point or that I didn't have enough self respect to leave.

 

I don't have any self esteem right now, I know what he did to me was so wrong.. but I know I was wrong too and I can't escape the guilt..

[TAV]

OMG, girl. This man has completely destroyed your self-worth.

 

Can you write down on a piece of paper what you did 'wrong' and then write a list of what he did to you? And then decide who should be burdened with guilt. Surely you are intelligent enough to see that he was indeed abusive to you; mentally, physically. Do you really consider what you did in the same league as what he did to you?

 

'I don't want to be the cause of any emotional or psychological distress to anyone'

 

That's the way normal people think. YOU are NORMAL. Do you think your boyfriend feels the same way? From what I read he enjoyed the power he had over you. He enjoyed figuratively kicking you around like a ragdoll. Playing psycho games with you.

 

I'm not sure why you love yourself so little to put up with this kind of stuff but I suggest you try to work on that.

 

Where are your parents in all this? Or do they not care what happens to you? What did his father say when he claimed to have been attacked by you (with a pillow no less)?

 

Have you broken up for good with him now? Blocked him from your life? This was a toxic relationship, not one to continue. Please work on yourself so your next boyfriend will know to treat you with respect.

[GemmaUK]

Realise it's not you first and foremost.

 

I agree with writing all that you can remember down.I have an email sent to myself of 60/70 things that happened Those things no longer haunt me like they used to. I have to finish that mail though because someof the other things which I haven't yet written down do still pop up in my mind in a not good way.

My relationship was not physically abusive but one incident made me aware that it was about to go that way. I only remembered the extent of that incident a few short weeks ago.

 

I took time out for myself when all of the thoughts kept coming back to me.

I decided to get armed with knowing what signs to look for and to learn to listen much more to my instinct.

 

There's a book by Sandra L Brown titled How To Spot a Dangerous Man Before Getting Involved which is a really good read and has checklists of things to look out for for different types of personalities.

You will find your ex in there. I found mine in several chapters.

 

Another quicker read is The Jealousy Game by Mandy White which is free on Kindle.

 

I have spent a few months being at my lowest but also slowly feeling human again. I wasn't crazy. I wasn't the problem. I needed to learn what I had actually been dealing with.

I think perhaps your friend may be too young to give any advice in this situation.

To be quite honest I wouldn't have had any advice a year ago either. I only know what I know now through reading and learning.

 

Aside from this though please go and talk to your doctor or someone about the self harming and tell them why it happened. You need some help sweetie. x

[spiderowl]

He was abusive and you were vulnerable to that because he could easily manipulate you into believing it was all your fault.

 

When you have little self esteem, you tend to assume that everything bad that happens is because you are no good or there is something wrong with you. Start from the premise that there is nothing wrong with you and that you've had some unfortunate experiences which have dented your self esteem. There is no reason why you shouldn't have the good luck and happy life you want from now on. Just make sure you don't allow anyone else to treat you badly like this.

[turnera]

tinybutterfly, please read this book. As soon as possible. It will make everything clear for you.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft | 9780425191651 | Paperback | Barnes & Noble

 

And I'll assume that you have by now found a therapist and are going regularly? This is absolutely IMPERATIVE.

[TAV]

OP, are you ok? You story has been in my mind the last few days. I truly hope you are dealing with the 'guilt' and the self-harming.

[Tinybutterfly]

Hey, thank you everyone for the answers.. Im sorry I haven't updated sooner but I had a run in with him and it set me back a little. I did block him on everything, except for an old email I used one time but he decided to call me the other day on a number I didn't recognise. He begged for me back and then asked me 'Why am I ignoring him and pretending to be someone I'm not' he said when I first met him I was shy and needed protecting, but now I'm acting independent and I should quit that 'act'. I didn't say one word to him.. I listened for a minute then put down the phone. Which is when I remembered the old email.. so I logged on to find over 20 emails from him and stupidly I decided to respond.. I know it was a silly decision but that remark about be 'acting independent' really struck me and I wanted to stick up for myself, so I said to him that he needs to stop contacting me for good and as much as he wants to pretend that he's out to find a loving relationship (which is what he said to me on the phone) all he really wants is someone to stand by him blindly, no matter how much he disrespects them.

 

Obviously I angered him and he retaliated, he sent me a lot of emails telling me how I was a 'cliche of a human being' how no one would love me or ever want to be friends with me, that he doesn't feel bad for what happened because I deserved it for being cold... which I admit I am not the most outwardly cuddly of people I don't come from that kind of family.. but I do try and I think I only became a little cold after the time I saw him at christmas, which was the worst. Then.. an hour later after calling me names through email, he begins begging for me again, telling me Im so beautiful and that he needs me and he lashes out because he loves me and he doesn't know how to handle his paranoia which is a result of his relationship before him. It ended with him bizarrely asking me 'what my favourite song is at the moment?' as though the last few hours didn't happen.

 

I blocked him, but for some reason I still feel awful... I know he's a lonely person and his family don't bother with him, I feel bad for him.

 

I'm going to order the books you've all suggested, but I actually found a website yesterday about signs of abusive men and it was scary how I could see him when I read it..

 

Im not sure about counseling, I understand why it'd be best, but I feel too ashamed about this to tell anyone face to face.

[TAV]

Tinybutterfly, you've done amazing! I'd say I'm proud of you but that would be weird I am so glad you listened to what people said here and that it helped you build a shield against him.

 

His actions sound stalkerish so do not be surprised if he shows up again in your life one way or the other, be prepared.

 

Yes, you feel bad, even though you know you did the right thing, because you are a nice person, you don't enjoy hurting people, even when they have hurt you. But you can't be his saviour and punching bag. If he is not happy with his life it's up to him to work on improving it.

[turnera]

Have you changed your phone number?

[Zahara]

I still feel awful... I know he's a lonely person and his family don't bother with him, I feel bad for him. .

 

OP, the kindest thing you can do is to FIRST have empathy for YOU, rather than those who continually hurt you. Feel bad for you.

 

Instead of trying to heal and better the world around you, you must first start from within, YOU.