Anticipation is driving me crazy!

[headspins]

I was informed last week about my stbx picking up the divorce paperwork. Since then I have been going through a whirlwind of emotion. Ive broken down a few times in front of the kids&I know I have to be strong for them. Im not one to pretend like she does&is. A master @ it if u ask me. Anyways, I had gone up to the park last weekend&ran into a friend I hadn't seen for a while. He said you know who I saw up here yesterday? It was her&her new boyfriend. Amazingly, he may be referred to as her fiance' soon. There's talk of marriage. Unfreakin real.

So, I wanted to leave immediately. I just felt so sick to my stomach. They are comfortable going where ever they desire without worrying about running into me, and the kids. Or, just me. Its just the opposite for me&that really makes me mad. I so badly want to crawl under a rick until I've completely moved on. Ive been here before believe it or not.

 

 

I wont go into that, but all in all she's ripped my heart out 3x now. I dont think I will ever not have @ the very least strong dislike for her. I HATE her so much right now that I dont even consider her alive.I know this sounds harsh&believe me I am aware that its hurting myself&ots not good to have hate in your heart. I know. I know!!!! I cried after the kids and I got home&my son. - So cute. Asks daddy why are you crying? Whats wrong? I said im scared. Real scared. How sad that its me&not him. Total role reversal. He hugged me as a continued to cry with my hands on my head covering my face. I am just wanting it to be over.The anticipation is killing me. I dont know what to do. Ive been trying to keep busy, and im brought back down to just laying down. Im severely depressed. I dont go out. I work&come home. Im getting very mentally ill I believe as I am bipolar. I really need to see a Dr& get on some meds. I hope I can get thru this

[Steen719]

I am so pissed. I wrote a LONG response and it disappeared.

 

Anyway, you will feel better, headspins. It feels like you will not, but you will. Find some good friends and family to talk to and make an appointment with a counselor soon to unburden yourself. Exercise. I walked and walked the dogs. I also cried a river. It is cathartic and when I would sob sometimes, I would feel better after. Wait until the kids go to sleep and cry away. You will have to go through the pain to get to the other side. Any other way will take you longer.

 

Don't despair. You will feel better. Find a divorce support group and go to it. That helps. And, most people feel "nuts" after a traumatic, life changing event, so don't worry. This is a process and you will work through it. You can't change her behavior or feelings and you only have control of your own.

 

Really, you will feel better, headspins. {{{HUGS}}}

 

Come here and post a lot. There are many posters who have gone through very similar situations and will help you through this. Chin up and take care of yourself.

[headspins]

Thank you. I was hoping someone would respond&just give me some positive advice, feedback. I've been here before I may of mentioned in the original post. Coincidentally, I was looking thru a box that's full of miscellaneous stuff. I found my admission wrist band to St. Luke's hospital up in Iowa. We had moved there just after we got married. She took a chance&I give her alot of credit for just doing that. She hated it up there&wanted to move back within 6 months. Shes very stern when it comes to a decision. Not objective @ all&very stubborn. Anyways, I was suicidal cuz I became obsessed with her FB oh&the 1st guy she was in a relationship with. He ended up beating on her&disappeared. Ended up in jail. After I got out of the hospital I miraculously felt as if there had been a huge weight lifted off of me. I felt like I could breath&had no thoughts of her. Really @ all. I was amazed&couldn't figure it out. Why is it that we always have to know how, or why?? Just leave it alone. Who cares. Right?

 

HA!! I am so sorry about you writing a long response&it disappearing on you. That happened to me today too. I was so pissed. I think its cuz im using my phone. I dunno. Again as no you.

[Oberfeldwebel]

If you have decided that you don't want to be with her, then you don't have to be in limbo, all you have to do is pull the trigger on this relationship. See an attorney, make a plan, separate your finances and take action.

[headspins]

There's no limbo about it. Shes got her next husband already lined up. I am seeing an attorney. Shes filing

[Steen719]

Why is it that we always have to know how, or why?? Just leave it alone. Who cares. Right?

 

Also, my issue. I am dealing with this very thing in another situation and a friend has advised me to provide my own closure by closing the door on it. I think that is good advice. It is so difficult, but worth trying. We care, but we can't change what they decide.

 

Good luck at the attorney's office. I hope you can find some peace.

[headspins]

I really appreciate your insight&I think what we all need, want is affirmation. To be able to talk about your personal situation&have someone listen objectively. Especially someone who is'nt biased, or vested into either person. I always try to be completely honest&have owned up to my dysfunction, negative aspect I brought into the marriage. I had lied from the get-go&I havent broken free from what I lied about. I understand her frustration&unhappiness. I do take most of the blame to be frank. If the situation was reversed it would be hard to not do the same thing as her. However, I want to make this totally clear. I believe I would of been a hell of alot more compassionate&sympathetic. Im more emotional than she is. She doesnt show too much emotion really @ all. Except for when she got mad. Its just peculiar to me because my dad says that even if I didn't have my issue, personal problem she would of been the same way. The more I think about it&analyze her behavior&characteristic traits. A certain pattern of how she is. Not just with me either, but with probably all the guys she has been serious with. I know for a fact from the 1st guy she had a relationship with after she left me. We went from wanting to fight over her to somewhat of friends. Just over the phone though.

 

 

She has a methodical way of how she is within a relationship&I firmly believe that any man she gets involved with is merely looked upon as just an object. She plays so many games its unreal!!! I spoke with an attorney today&I feel confident enough based on what she said. However, I really need to deal with my personal issue which could mess everythibg up.