Kevin_D Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Everytime someone is about to send an email to an ex, the response is the same: "Don't do it. Don't let her know that you still care for her! It will only give her an ego boost. " While I understand that it's quite common with some kind of post-breakup power struggle, I still don't understand the reasoning here. Yes, my ex was an *******. She acted as everything was fine until she was sure that the replacement guy wanted her. Then she pulled the trigger. After over 6 years. Does she deserve me? No. Would I take her back? No. Should I waste my life grieving over her? Absolutely not. But here's the thing. She was obviously a cold-hearted bitch, since she went behind my back and lied to me for several months. She didn't even shed a tear when she dumped me. A few days earlier, she could call me 10 times a day and panic if I didn't answer, because she was so afraid of losing me. In my opinion, only a really sad human being would be capable of doing this. It makes sense that she can "shut off" certain emotions, because she was forced to do that to survive as a child. But I come from a caring and loving family. I don't just replace lovers or friends. I still hang out with my old buddies. Not because they're the perfect friends, but because of our history together. I'm proud to be that person. I'm proud to care. I'm proud that I can't get over a 6 year relationship within a few months. I would be so ashamed of myself if were her. I'm not that person. When I declare my love for someone, it actually means something, not just in the heat of the moment. I won't waste my time on her because I know that she will hurt me. And if she doesn't want me in her life - wish ****ing granted. But why should I pretend like she didn't that mean much to me? She did, and I'm proud that she did. So... Why should we act like we don't care? 1
Jay77098 Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Kevin: I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting/professing that you cared about your ex. In fact, I think that is what ALL of us are doing here on LS. We're stating our sadness about losing someone that mattered to us, looking for answers and trying to find some way to make the pain go away. I think the fine difference here is that you shouldn't admit TO YOUR EX that you cared. There is no upside to doing so. You will give her a big ego boost, but she won't come back. You'll come off looking weak and needy to her and it will only make her more confident about her decision. And in the end, you'll end up opening yourself up for more hurt. You have your act together and your priorities right; that is clear from what you wrote. You should be proud of who you are. But stay away from the ex; there is nothing but pain waiting down that path. 6
d0nnivain Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Most people don't have the emotional maturity to be polite but aloof, no longer under dumper's spell, so to speak. If you can be gracious when you see her, you are ahead of the game. No one is advocating rudeness. At least what I am saying when I tell people not to write those e-mails is that they don't work. The recipient doesn't want to read them. They aren't going to change the person's mind. A cruel person will use them against the sender. There is no upside to making the effort to reach out. That is different than being polite if you bump into the person 1
bluegreen Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 You can admit that to yourself to your friends to us here we never said "pretend" that you would not piss on her if she was on fire. Decisions is yours after all we simply try to help people know that NC is way for them to get better move on. It has nothing to do with mind games making their ex feel this or that its about them "only" the ones who were dumped used abused and heartbroken by their ex.
Author Kevin_D Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 I'm not really talking about contacting her. Obviously she decided that she would be better off without me. And if that's what she want, I won't disturb her. But the thing is, I'd like to be remembered as the guy who actually cared about her. The guy whose words actually meant something. Otherwise she can keep telling herself that she did the right thing since I obviously didn't care. Again, this is not about harassing by sending tons of angry emails about how much she hurt me. But if a mutual friend tells her that I'm still heart-broken, does it really matter? I'm proud that I miss her, because it means that she meant a lot to me. If she thinks I'm pathetic, it says more about her, right?
hoping2heal Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I guess I have always thought you shouldn't be doing those things because the point is to move on, not further implant yourself into the life of someone who would like you removed from it. I don't think that not trying to contact an ex means you're not caring or didn't care for them, either. Yes, sometimes exes are real **** piles. Cheaters, liars, manipulators, the gamut. But, not all exes are "the bad guy". Sometimes you really care for someone but you realize you can't see yourself married to them, or you realize you've grown and changed and you want to go in a direction too opposite of what your partner does. Or, you realize the feelings just aren't coming. You have to dump someone and it doesn't feel great, but it is not better to keep stringing someone along. I think contact just makes the person feel pity and or guilt in certain cases
BC1980 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Of course, you still care, but why does your ex need to know? What exactly are you asking?
Author Kevin_D Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 Of course, you still care, but why does your ex need to know? What exactly are you asking? Think about all those Obama drone strikes that have killed hundreds (probably thousands) of civilians. The guys that operate these aircrafts just sit in a nice bunker in the US and press a button. It's like they're playing a video game. It's so much easier to kill people when you don't have to hear them scream, watch them cry or smell the blood. If the dumpee simply says "Alright, relationship is over. Please don't contact me again" and the dumper is told a few weeks later that the dumpee is doing better than ever, why should he/she feel guilt? Fear of guilt is what prevents most of us from hurting other people. So if the dumper cheats and lies for several months, and the dumpee doesn't even seem to care, what will stop the dumper from doing the same thing in the future? Because people who cheat, lie and/or refuse to discuss problems in the relationship should be ashamed of themselves. I would respond to a breakup by saying: "I did everything for you and loved you with all my heart, and now you treat me like this. You tore my heart in a thousand pieces. I trusted you. Please leave me alone because I need time and space to grieve." Than: "Alright, if that's what you want, it's probably for the best. I'll be moving on, so please don't contact me anymore". 1
BC1980 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Think about all those Obama drone strikes that have killed hundreds (probably thousands) of civilians. The guys that operate these aircrafts just sit in a nice bunker in the US and press a button. It's like they're playing a video game. It's so much easier to kill people when you don't have to hear them scream, watch them cry or smell the blood. If the dumpee simply says "Alright, relationship is over. Please don't contact me again" and the dumper is told a few weeks later that the dumpee is doing better than ever, why should he/she feel guilt? Fear of guilt is what prevents most of us from hurting other people. So if the dumper cheats and lies for several months, and the dumpee doesn't even seem to care, what will stop the dumper from doing the same thing in the future? Because people who cheat, lie and/or refuse to discuss problems in the relationship should be ashamed of themselves. I would respond to a breakup by saying: "I did everything for you and loved you with all my heart, and now you treat me like this. You tore my heart in a thousand pieces. I trusted you. Please leave me alone because I need time and space to grieve." Than: "Alright, if that's what you want, it's probably for the best. I'll be moving on, so please don't contact me anymore". I get it. You want to evoke a certain response in her. I've been there myself. The problem is that you can't control someone else, and you need to only be concerned with how all of this effects you. I've gotten to the point where I'm only concerned with my healing.
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