Regaining Confidence part 4

[SpiralOut]

I haven't posted an update since September.

 

 

I've realized the following things

 

 

- Most of my angry rants are about people not respecting me. Sometimes it is warranted. Other times, I'm not so sure it should be affecting me so much. When I was younger, it was easier for me to brush off the stupid things that people say. Now, I obsess over it. Why do I need these people to respect me? Why does it bother me so much?

 

 

- I'm better at viewing my situation from a bird's eye view. My awareness is better. As in, when someone speaks rudely to me I can step back and see what I look like. It's easier for me to stay calm and respond without anger (even if I really am angry). Sometimes I'll say nothing at all and walk away. I used to think I was being a doormat in doing that. Now, I can see that it really IS effective in some situations.

 

 

- My self-talk is better. When I catch myself putting myself down, I correct myself. When I have a bout of anxiety/depression, I go easier on myself. Instead of hating myself for letting it happen, I congratulate myself on pushing through it.

 

 

- I feel more comfortable with the group of women I hang out with sometimes. I am not quite on a "friends" level with any of them, but I feel more at ease. Even if no friendships come from this group, it is still good for me to be around people who are kind and accepting. My trust is coming back.

 

 

- Something holds me back from pursuing my dream. Is it fear of failure, or is it something else? Most of my life I have purposefully held myself back, tried to blend in, tried to not let people see that I am good at something. I'm avoiding the angry responses that I sometimes get - anger at me for looking nice, for being talented at something, for making someone laugh, for being liked by someone. I sometimes get snide remarks, put-downs or even outright yelling when I do something well. I am sick of people doing that and I'm sick of being afraid of them. . I want to be able to shine and not be affected by the anger that people throw at me. I'm tired of shrinking myself.

 

 

That's about all I can think of for now. I also plan to go to the local college to learn more about part-time courses. No guarantee that I will sign up for anything, but I'm excited at the idea of it.

[learning_slowly]

Most of us our scared of getting hurt / rejected in life, whether it's love / work.

But what will screw you up more is the not trying. If you screw up, you'll get tougher. So just try and your confidence will grow.

[SpiralOut]

I posted elsewhere about this already, but I'll mention it here that I stood up to my mother last weekend. I did it without losing my temper or insulting her or acting emotional. It felt amazing. And when I look at her now, she doesn't look the same. I see this self-absorbed person who looks down on others. No wonder she gas-lighted me and bullied me. She needs to think she is better than others. Not even her daughter is allowed to feel good about herself.

 

 

I used to hate myself for being so meek all my life. Well what choice did I have? It's normal for children of control freaks to act that way. They put on a meek front, then behave passive-aggressively. They never get to be their true selves, except in secret moments. I used to sometimes draw and paint pictures of women tied up, trapped, gagged. I didn't know why at the time, but now I do. It was how I felt.

 

 

I cannot help but feel bad for my younger self. . . and admire who I am today for waking up.

[pink_sugar]

Hi SpiralOut, your story really speaks to me as a victim of an abusive childhood as well. My dad was a narcissist and for many years I thought I was incapable of being loved and unworthy. I lacked self esteem and couldn't speak up for myself. After surrounding myself with an amazing circle of supportive friends and my husband...I recovered. After years of therapy I realized it wasn't me with the problem. It took getting out of that situation to recover and realizing I was a worthy person with great qualities. Remove those toxic people from your life and pay them no mind. You deserve to be happy.

[SpiralOut]

Thank you for the kind words.

 

I am considering making a depression blog, available to the public. I would have to use a fake name of course. I am hesitant to do so, for fear of people in my life finding it and knowing it was me. I don't know. I'll think about it some more. it just feels like I am clogging up LS with my self-absorbed rants.

 

Last weekend was terrible. I could hardly get out of bed, then I called in sick on Monday. I think it happened because I remembered myself. I began to remember bits of my old self, back when I felt more hopeful and secure. As that girl came back to life, it made me realize that my current life is wrong. So wrong. I need to make major changes, and that scares me. I feel depressed when I see how far off the path I am, and how long and how hard it will be to get back to where I should be.

 

Then again, maybe I am exactly where I ought to be. No, I can't stay here. BUT. I veered off the path for a reason, so I can gain insight and wisdom into things I never understood before. When I find my way again, I'll be wiser for it. I'll appreciate my life more.

 

This weekend is looking up. I'm meeting up with some friends (I hesitate to call them friends, but I guess casual friends still count). Then I have a date with a guy who so far meets my criteria. With all my other dates I had the attitude of "I guess you might work," which set me up for failure. With this guy I don't feel like I am compromising anything.

 

Also, I've dug out my self-esteem book again and started to work on it. It is something I keep throwing back in the drawer and forgetting. I sabotage myself whenever I do that. Hopefully I can keep it up this time.

[SpiralOut]

Tonight was really difficult. I went to a meetup with women my own age, a socializing one. The social ones make me nervous since I feel more comfortable when there is a book to discuss or an activity to do. Instead we drank Sangria at someone's apartment and talked the whole time.

 

I didn't talk as much as I would have liked to. I've always been a shy person. Most of what I did say was good. I didn't put my foot in my mouth or say anything inappropriate. Nobody looked at me strangely as if I had said or done anything wrong. I managed to make them laugh at one point. I didn't click with anyone too much, probably because I felt too shy to talk much. I also felt intimidated by some of the women there who are younger than me but make more money.

 

I am nervous to go out with them again. I think I should get a new haircut and some new clothes, not to try and look a certain way but because it has been a long time since I put time or effort into how I look. Maybe being around these types of people will help me to get back on track in my life. When I look at women like that, I do see a part of myself in them. I'm goodlooking, can be funny, am nice to everyone or try to be, have good values, I'm smart. The one thing holding me back is my shyness.

 

Most of the night I struggled to not "mind read" the others (thinking they think I am weird or something). I walked away feeling worried they will talk about me when I am gone, like hoping I won't show up again. That's probably ridiculous but yeah. I think many of my self-esteem issues are about me not being where I think I should be in my life right now.

 

I biked home feeling glad that I tried but also discouraged. Like should I give up on trying to make friends, since I don't seem to fit in anywhere? Who are my people? Where can I find them? I don't even know anymore.

 

I don't ask for responses usually when I update these threads but I could use some encouragement right now. I don't often put myself in a situation where I feel that intimidated. I should probably go to the next one, right?

Edited May 11, 2014 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

There was a psychological experiment done years ago with dogs. They were put inside cages that shocked them every time they tried to leave the cage. After a while, the experimenters turned the shocks off so the dogs could leave if they wanted to. But did they? Nope. The dogs had resigned themselves to their fates. Even though the doors were open and the shocks were off, they would not leave their cages.

 

This is me. I was taught that I need to shut up and my opinion doesn't matter unless I am agreeing with someone else. Being good at something resulted in this weird mixture of praise and jealousy that made me feel that I should be good, but not TOO good or else people won't like me. I was a pain in the ass. Simply being born made it impossible for my parents to travel anywhere because of me. I was in the way. I don't deserve certain things.

 

and most of all . . . I was taught that I'm not good enough.

 

For the past 10 years of my life, since moving away from home, the door to the cage has been opened and I haven't left it. I try to. I do things to try and feel independent and free and "good enough." But all this time I haven't been happy. Nothing I am doing is working.

 

I have tons more work to do. It feels like I'm walking around in circles unable to find a door that is right in front of me. I'm getting closer though.

 

Currently, I am trying to feel good about myself by being a workout freak. It partly works, because exercise does make you feel better. It makes me feel good to be told that I'm crazy for biking 40km a day, or awesome for running a race. I just did my first race on the weekend and I will be running another one in October. I want to do another one over the summer if I can find something interesting. As a long term solution, though, I'm not sure how being a workout nut is going to make me feel okay. It boosts my confidence, yes, but unless I finish the internal work, I will continue to feel that I won't be good enough until I've reached THIS level of fitness or until I've run THAT many kilometers.

 

Do you know what's kind of sad? I ran a race on Saturday, and on Sunday, I felt guilty about not doing more!! I had every reason to stay home and relax. When I tried to, I couldn't. I called myself lazy. I beat myself up. I am SO mean to myself!! I spent the whole day feeling anxious and not good.

 

It's exhausting.

Edited June 3, 2014 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I'm not sure how this happened, but I don't feel like such a victim anymore. There are things happening in my life I'm not happy about. Even though I can't control everything, I CAN control whether I choose to stay in a situation or not. It might take some time and effort, but I CAN change things. I've always understood that intellectually, just never believed it. I felt trapped (even though I knew I wasn't) because I held the belief that I can't do any better (even though I knew I could). I knew it would take lots of effort and making mistakes and being rejected to get out of my situation. I feared rejection so much that I didn't try to do anything because staying where I am seemed better than being rejected.

 

I'm still in my situation. It still sucks. I feel differently about it. I don't feel quite so angry. I feel like change is possible and I have what it takes to make it happen.

 

I used to be a very determined young lady who made things happen even if they seemed crazy. Other people have told me in the past that I'm strong. For the past three years I have felt helpless and weak. I don't know where that strong young woman disappeared to, but she seems to be coming back now.

[learning_slowly]

Keep up the exercise as when things do go wrong, which they do in everybodys life, you will always have that positive.

 

You say you need a new haircut. Why not look for a good modern hairdresser in your area and ask them for a style that would suit you. It could be wildly different, but you would know its suitable for public meet ups.

 

As for clothes, worry about the exercise: have you ever seen a model look bad? If you look good whatever you are wearing will look good.

 

I'm glad you're seeing you should always try to push the cage door. You may get a shock, or you could just lie in the cage, but then you might as well be dead.

[SpiralOut]

Keep up the exercise as when things do go wrong, which they do in everybodys life, you will always have that positive.

 

You say you need a new haircut. Why not look for a good modern hairdresser in your area and ask them for a style that would suit you. It could be wildly different, but you would know its suitable for public meet ups.

 

As for clothes, worry about the exercise: have you ever seen a model look bad? If you look good whatever you are wearing will look good.

 

I'm glad you're seeing you should always try to push the cage door. You may get a shock, or you could just lie in the cage, but then you might as well be dead.

 

Yeah that's true. Better to be dead than to live my life cowering in fear.

 

I got side-swiped by a car while biking yesterday. It was a hit and run. I walked away with some nasty scrapes and bruises. Otherwise, I'm okay. It could have been much worse and I feel thankful for my life. Later that same day I got back on it and rode home even though I felt afraid. I won't let one careless person stop me from doing what I love.

 

I got a new haircut last month and I'm really happy with it!

 

I considered registering for a duathalon this summer but decided against it. It would take extra training that I don't have time for. I need to focus my extra time towards job-searching and towards my side-projects. Someone contacted me to offer a free product in exchange for a review on my website. That may not sound like much but I'll take it as a positive sign.

[SpiralOut]

I somehow managed to not get angry when someone said something rude about me today. I made my response calm and neutral. It felt good. I am still annoyed a little bit, enough so that I'm still thinking about it, but I didn't feel as though I'd been personally attacked. I can see now it is more about whatever is going on with her.

 

That must be progress.

[SpiralOut]

Most helpful stuff so far:

 

writing poetry again

praying

 

Exercise helps too, though I think I'm hitting a plateau. Doing much more at this point won't help me. I do enough to stay healthy, and I do enough social events through the fitness group to feel that I'm starting to make some friends.

 

Being alone for so long, then suddenly finding that people like me, is a bit unnerving. I keep expecting them to realize that I actually suck. I feel like a fraud.

 

This weekend I'll be starting some research into spiritual things. It is an area of my life that I've mostly neglected. I got back into it a little bit over the past couple years when I started up with yoga. I want to explore things further. I think it will help me to find peace with myself.

[SpiralOut]

I have a family doctor now. She's really nice. I am starting back on the meds, then going back next month to follow-up and get refills. The health center has free psychological counselling, which I didn't know about, so that's a nice surprise. She is writing a referral for me to see the psychologist there.

 

 

I kept meaning to go see the therapist again from last year but it's so expensive that I can only go 3 times a year before my insurance coverage is used up. Maybe with something free I will actually go regularly.

 

 

My doctor also thinks that my depression might be more of a physical thing since I've had it on and off since age 14. I guess the psychologist will be able to give me a more informed opinion once I start going.

 

 

I've been exercising and getting outside all summer yet my mood has still been dropping. I cannot even concentrate on anything. My lack of concentration then makes me feel worse because I cannot follow my goals if I cannot concentrate. I need to be able to sit down and do some research and put together some recipes and actually spend more than 5 minutes cooking.

 

 

I think the meds will help me concentrate so I can actually FOCUS on doing other things that will help me. I want to start my own business. How do I do that if I cannot focus on anything??

 

 

So that's my update.

[54JA]

I keep expecting them to realize that I actually suck. I feel like a fraud.

 

 

I can relate to that.

[54JA]

I have a family doctor now. She's really nice. I am starting back on the meds, then going back next month to follow-up and get refills. The health center has free psychological counselling, which I didn't know about, so that's a nice surprise. She is writing a referral for me to see the psychologist there.

 

 

I kept meaning to go see the therapist again from last year but it's so expensive that I can only go 3 times a year before my insurance coverage is used up. Maybe with something free I will actually go regularly.

 

 

My doctor also thinks that my depression might be more of a physical thing since I've had it on and off since age 14. I guess the psychologist will be able to give me a more informed opinion once I start going.

 

 

I've been exercising and getting outside all summer yet my mood has still been dropping. I cannot even concentrate on anything. My lack of concentration then makes me feel worse because I cannot follow my goals if I cannot concentrate. I need to be able to sit down and do some research and put together some recipes and actually spend more than 5 minutes cooking.

 

 

I think the meds will help me concentrate so I can actually FOCUS on doing other things that will help me. I want to start my own business. How do I do that if I cannot focus on anything??

 

 

So that's my update.

 

Thank you so much for sharing. I am looking forward to reading more.

[SpiralOut]

I have emailed my father regarding a situation earlier this year. My mother had manipulated a situation between him and myself. I don't know if he's aware of it. I didn't realize what she had done until it was too late to stop it. She actually admitted to my face what she did. That's how stupid she is, that she doesn't realize that she shouldn't have done that.

 

Anyway I just pointed out to him what happened and apologized for it. I am furious that she interfered with his relationship with me.

 

I think that part of my recovery means not keeping secrets anymore. I have always kept my mothers bad behaviour a secret. Every confession she makes to me, I used to keep to myself. Well not anymore. From now on, I'm telling people what she said or did. She can't manipulate anybody if I expose her.

[camillalev]

Your mom and my mom must have been separated at birth.

 

If your dad knows your mom, he will understand and won't let her get in between you too. Definitely don't keep everything to yourself - it will just weigh you down mentally and emotionally.

 

Put up firm boundaries, don't ask her to understand you or apologize, show her you won't put up with her BS. I've started doing this, I tell her if she does so and so again won't be coming home for Xmas, etc. I mean it, I don't necessarily look forward to seeing her for the holidays and would actually prefer to see other family. She listens, but not because she is/wants to respect my wishes, but because I have basically threatened something/made clear consequences to her actions.

 

Distance is needed from these types of people to heal. Is distance from you something she fears or does she act like she doesn't care?

[SpiralOut]

Your mom and my mom must have been separated at birth.

 

If your dad knows your mom, he will understand and won't let her get in between you too. Definitely don't keep everything to yourself - it will just weigh you down mentally and emotionally.

 

 

Distance is needed from these types of people to heal. Is distance from you something she fears or does she act like she doesn't care?

 

She wants me to visit again. She keeps asking me when I'm going on vacation. So yes I think she would get upset if I threaten to not come home for christmas. Even if it didn't bother her, she would still behave so her husband doesn't get pissed off at her.

 

I hope you are right that my father will understand. I haven't received a response yet and I'm feeling anxious about it. I don't normally say anything. Nobody in my family normally says anything, except for him lately when he complains about her. I get the impression that he wants to be able to say something. I hope that I'm not wrong.

 

That's true that I have felt weighed down. She has always burdened me with other people's secrets that she wasn't supposed to share, but runs off and tells me anyway then makes me promise to not tell. I'm not doing that for her anymore. It pisses me off.

 

I think that I may have accidentally blabbed one of them, but oh well. It was never my secret to keep anyway.

[SpiralOut]

I was upset for nothing. My father took it really well. He let me know that he knows what she's doing and he just pretends to not notice it.

 

I feel much better now. That was something that I really needed to fix, the way I communicate with my family. I have a few other family members to improve things with.

[SpiralOut]

My old blog is getting very close to 1000 views a month even though I rarely update it. I know that's nothing compared to the top blogs, but I mean, I don't update it much.... so I think that's pretty damn good.

 

 

I bought traffic re-direct so it can go to my new blog, the self-hosted one that actually allows me to have advertising on it. Hopefully those views will transfer over to the proper site. Maybe if I'm lucky I will start to actually make a bit of money from this.

 

 

I'm feeling hopeful and excited. I also got an extra 40 views in one day simply by submitting a photo to a popular website. They had to approve it, and approval isn't easy to get, so I feel good about that too.

 

 

Maybe I do have talent after all.

[SpiralOut]

I feel less of an urge to post on here than before, so that's probably good.

 

 

Some other things have happened, but I would rather wait and see how it all plays out before providing a detailed update.

[SpiralOut]

I haven't updated this thread since September. Nothing earth shattering has changed. However, I am realizing that I have an unhealthy fixation with "mean people," especially mean people who are popular. I don't understand it. I don't understand the people who look at someone who is obviously not a nice person, and think they are just so great. I don't get it at all. In fact the subject tends to make me feel anger and something close to hatred.

 

 

I think it bothers me because I used to have some bad friends. They weren't nice to me at all. Looking back on it, I'm sure there must have been people who looked at the situation and wondered why on earth I chose to be friends with them. Now I'm on the other side of the fence. I look at people who get insulting, belittling remarks from their "friend" and instead of walking away they message them on facebook asking them out for drinks. Now I am the one wondering why on earth do they choose to be friends with them.

 

 

Maybe I'm not mad at mean people and those who like them. Maybe I'm annoyed at myself for putting up with crap in the past. For those who haven't read many of my threads, I'll mention that I am trying to choose more healthy friendships and relationships for myself. In the past few years, I have rejected several possible friendships with people who didn't seem very nice.

 

 

I should focus on the good people I have in my life and not worry about anyone else. I am too focused on "fairness" and "justice." I look at situations and fixate on how unfair they are. It doesn't do me any good.

 

 

I should also focus on being a kind person myself. Everyone tells me I'm a nice person. But I need to make sure I am nice on the inside too. I don't want to be thinking nasty thoughts. There are days where I don't see much difference between myself and the people I hate; the only real difference is that I restrain myself and pay attention to how I sound. So I need to let go of anger and not hate anyone. Otherwise, my attitude will slip out and I won't be much better than them.

[SpiralOut]

I'm not doing well. I left my toxic job, which was a good step to take, but now I am frustrated with my job search that is taking longer than I expected. Part of it is due to my inability to concentrate and also my fear of rejection. It makes it hard for me to really focus on searching. I am supposed to be starting something soon, but they are taking their time in getting back to me with a start date. I am frustrated and losing patience.

 

 

I've gone back to another psychologist. The other one wasn't a good fit, so I'm seeing a different one at the same clinic. It is free. She also managed to get me several months worth of free samples of antidepressants that my doctor just prescribed for me. She thinks I should take them for the winter (since my depression is worse in the winter) then wean off of them in the spring. I'm going in tomorrow morning to pick them up.

 

 

My situation with depression and unemployment is putting a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend, whom I live with. He tries to be understanding, but the truth is that he has no clue of how depression works. He thinks that he gets it but he doesn't (he finds it confusing that I don't feel like eating). So every now and then we will have arguments that leave me feeling like ****. Though in my defense I think it is partly his frustrations with other people coupled with his frustration with me. He doesn't feel comfortable telling other people how he feels, but he'll do it with me, so it all comes out on me, and he'll tell me how I remind him of so-and-so and of so-and-so, even though I am nothing like those people he'll make the unflattering comparisons anyway which is hurtful. I don't blame him for being unhappy with me, but I wish he wouldn't take everything out on me.

 

 

I am forcing myself to attend a book club meeting tonight even though I feel awful. It's important to be around people and get out of the house. I slept practically all day yesterday, then went to sleep early and slept for another 12 hours straight. Everything feels meaningful and pointless. I don't feel motivated to do anything. I don't even care if I die.

[SpiralOut]

Never mind, I am feeling a little bit better now. Still not great. I have trouble focusing on anything. I don't feel motivated to do much of anything. But I feel better than I did the last time I posted here. It will be okay. Sometimes it needs to get worse before it gets better.