My life as I knew it seems to be gone

[jg86]

Hello

 

 

I joined this forum because I feel very alone with my marriage issues. I have a great support system (friends, family) but nobody seems to be going through what I am. It's hard to find someone to relate too...or hear of a story where a happy ending eventually comes from such pain.

 

 

Here goes..

 

 

My Husband and I (now separated) met in our early twenties doing martial arts. He was a university student and I was working full time. About 6 months after knowing each other we started to date. A year later we were married with a child on the way. During our time of dating and being married my husband started experiencing extreme anxiety disorders and was paranoid of the type of person he married, however he knew deep down that I was an honest full hearted loving woman who cared and provided much emotional safety for him. My husband had a very hard childhood and a lot of those issues that occurred back then affect him today. Even though this all sounds bad, we always felt like we were each others rock and that we were each others first priority no matter what life threw at us. We always made it a point to talk through all our problems and to never leave anything unsolved.

 

 

A year later my husband started working a part time job while in school still. During this time he became more comfortable around other people and could not seem to control any impulses. He ended up having an affair and decided to leave the marriage claiming he never really loved me and that he wants somebody who he finds "inspiring". This decision was made in a 3 day period. So he moved out.

 

 

A week later he came back crying begging for me to take him back, and how he realized he made the biggest mistake of his life and that he would 100 percent commit to the dad/husband I deserved. Naturally wanting to keep the family together and that I loved him I accepted him back. During the course of 4 months everything felt great again, Everyday he made me feel loved and special and talked with me about any pain I was still experiencing from what he previously had done.

 

 

After the 4 months he slowly slipped back into becoming distance and this made my insecurities flare, paranoid I would feel the pain he once caused me. He kept reassuring me that everything was fine.

 

 

March this year( one year from previous separation) he decided once again that the marriage was not for him. He wasn't ready to be a family man, wanted to feel free, that he only got back together with me because he missed me, and that he felt he could do better. He hates the fact that I'm not book smart or artistic. It just hurts so bad that I would have taken a bullet for this man and yet he doesn't feel anything because of superficial reasons? I want him to be happy regardless, I'm just so scarred that I'm going to get left in the dark and end up being the one alone all my life, when I feel I have so much love to give.

 

 

Sigh....

[AMcKineth]

You'll create your own happy ending. I'm sure that you won't be alone, but I don't think he's the one that you'll end up being with.

 

My husband announced to me last week that he desires to be single and he's not sure if he ever loved me the way he was supposed to and wants only to not be married anymore. Like you and so many other people on there my life felt forever altered at that moment, so I know what you mean. I love him dearly and watched all my hopes, dreams, and plans for us vanish, but I've come to realize it's probably for the best. And while that feeling wavers at times, it will only grow stronger the longer I have to come to terms with our divorce.

 

Don't be afraid to keep leaning on your family, they may not be going through the same things but it feels good to talk to people either way.

 

Keep posting on here and make sure to read the "Critical Readings for Separation or Divorce" that's pinned on the forum. It covers 180 and NC. Stop taking your husband back. He's proved twice that he doesn't have your best intentions in mind. Be civil but don't go out of your way to make things easy for him or go into detail about your day if he asks. I'm learning "I was out" and "I have plans" are great phrases. He's the one that wants to leave and he lost the privilege to know what you're doing when he wanted out.

 

When my husband first hit me with the news of him suddenly wanting a divorce I felt like a broken toy no one wanted anymore. I couldn't understand why it was happening and he still hasn't given me very good reasons. However, eventually you'll start moving past that and onto thoughts of plans for your own future and you'll meet someone better then him. No one should be left begging for love, no matter what he does from now on you deserve much better and that person is out there.

 

And if you feel like you have a lot of love to give right now but no one to give it to - give it to yourself. Invest time into making yourself happy because you will never leave yourself. Do things each day that make you smile. If your day seems depressing start doing something you know you like and during the middle of it I promise you'll have more fun then you would have had just sitting around feeling bad. Get dressed up just for yourself and go out somewhere even if it's only to have dinner by yourself. Take your time to paint your toe nails a pretty shade if you've been letting yourself go. Looking down at pink sparkly toes always makes me smile if nothing else. Or do something else that makes you feel good. Get out in nature, get out in public and be social even if it's just going to the mall or to get a coffee. Take a class in something that interests you. Immerse yourself in a new hobby or a project at work.

 

Basically, divert your time and energy into things you enjoy and away from your husband. At first it's going to suck I'm sure, but a lot of people have told me one year after it's over they've found happiness with themselves they never had before and would never go back.

 

It took me exactly eight hours to get asked out for dinner the day I first took my ring off. I didn't do it, but hey it felt great to get noticed. The point is you'll meet people in the oddest places so put yourself out there and you'll find there are other fish in the sea and one of them will be for you!

[Misadventure]

Ok.. don't hate me for the things I am about to say...I am saying them because even though I don't know you, I DO care.

 

- "I want him to be happy"... Why? He purposely cheated, he purposely continued to hurt you and kept doing it on purpose...talking about how he wished you were this and that as well..It's bloody horse shyt.

 

- You say you have so much love to give... Give it to YOURSELF... remember YOU? You are the most important person in your life. Only YOU can make things happen in life for YOU.

 

I'm not going to cheerlead and say you will not die alone...cause I don't know that.. But there is a very good chance and statistic that you will once again find someone to be happy with...who is worthy.

 

Isn't that something to look forward to?

 

But, hun.. it starts with you. It starts with you completely loving yourself.. the good and ALL the flaws. Just have an open field day or relishing and rolling around in your flaws and claiming them for yourself. If you don't like them, change them. Not because of some small brain cowardly azzhole who has more secret insecurities with himself and is reflecting them back on you (thats what I picked up from things you said.) He didn't cheat and he is not an azz because of you.. he is an azz and coward because of him.

 

So bring your back straight, chest out, and brains and wit on...the game is not over for you. But you need to make yourself the main character in your story and it starts with owning who you are and loving it.

 

He is not the end of you...and you can love again.. if you love yourself first.

[Smilecharmer]

Time to stop allowing him to behave badly and reward it by taking him back. It is over. There are so many great guys out there who are looking for a special woman to share their life with. He gave up his right to you, so walk away and don't look back.

[jg86]

First off I like to thank all three if you for responding to my situation. You have shown me great compassion and understanding while currently going through your own struggles and I admire that.

 

As for keeping myself busy I try to focus on being a better mom and putting more energy into enjoying life with my daughter. I also have taken up a new class to keep fit and challenge myself with. My family and friends have been so supportive. I honestly don't think I could make it through this without them. Even though they can't relate I do feel their hearts. These are all the good things.

 

However there still a big part of me which feels tremendous pain when I have quite moments to myself and not busy doing other things. I feel as though it's unbearable at times. I hate how I feel like each day I just try to keep busy to survive. I hate all the broken dreams that will no longer happen with him anymore. I hate the thought of starting from scratch with someone new.

 

Misadventure: you are right I do need to give more love to myself. I guess I just find it so hard right now. You are also correct with wondering why I would want him to be happy...because right now the way I'm feeling...I wish he was miserableb as hell...and I'm so angry at the fact that he feels his life is now in a better direction and he feels good about it all. Truthfully I don't want him to feel that way until I have happily moved on. I hate this all so much. No I will not take him back if he even wanted to try again. I could just never ever feel safe again, especially how he swore on his life the first time.

 

Sorry for the negativity in a lot of this post. A lot of it is raw emotion that needs to be vented at times. Even though I am sad a lot, I do have a lot of good moments as well and positivery future visions. I guess I just don't know what direction to-go to start moving forward in...