zep52 Posted February 2, 2005 Share Posted February 2, 2005 If after no contact and all the other games we play, is there ever a case for pursuit, i have done everything except break into her house, so in light of my narrowing options, and bearing in mind that i know she loves me would i be wrong to just actively pursue her, knowing her as i do i feel that she would (maybe) respond to actions rather than the silent treatment, she's an old fashioned girl and sees love as gestures, part of the reason im here i guess is that although i love her dearly, she always said i never showed her enough, Im running out of options now people, i cant lose her, i really cant, so would a direct course of active pursuit pull my A** out of the fire in her eyes, or is it likely to make things worse, female insight here would be most welcome, im not in the first flush of youth and neither is she so its got to be all or nothing, and i have tried nothing, and got back exactly nothing, there is a spark between us, its just that she has pulled back and is now letting me go quietly mad, so , so, so, so, aggghhhh i don't know, maybe im just clutching at straws, but unless i try everything i will always have this nagging doubt that i let her slip from my grasp without having exhausted all avenues, So pursuit it is then, and may god be smiling as i blunder no doubt into what could be a very testing challenge, but faint heart never won fair woman and all that, so wish me well fellow inmates, as i try and break down the walls of this prison in which my heart languishes Link to post Share on other sites
imokurnot Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 To me if there is nobody else in her life then go for it. Especially if her coplaint is that you never showed her enough affection or showed her you truly loved her. This is the perfect situation for a romantic pursuit I would think. Who told you to go NC in your case and why? Who broke it off (her I assume) and why (because you didn't show her you loved her enough or enough attention?), If it is because of your non-display of love and affection then NC would tell her she was right. But I have not enough details to tell. Help me out here......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author zep52 Posted February 3, 2005 Author Share Posted February 3, 2005 We met two years ago and for a year it was truly fantastic she showed love and affection, and so did i, i was slow to let my self fully commit but she kept on at me saying that she could sense a wall between us, she had four months previous to this split with a boyfriend of two years who was abusive to her and in her words never showed her he loved her enough, her close friends all confirmed to me that he was a phyco, but that i was the best thing that had ever happened to her, and so i slowly lowered the wall and let my self commit and was completely happy, After the first year she would on occasion get moody and would sometimes fly off the handle for as far as i could see very little reason, but she would always calm down, but as time went by the amount of time she needed to calm down got longer lasting sometimes for two or three days, during this time i would have to keep a low profile until, usualy she would get her daughter to phone me with some spurious reason for me to return, like my ironing was ready, she never made the call, was always her daughter, her daughter is 13 now and was often more adult than her mother, she would tell me that mum has times like this and that all you, and indeed her, could do was leave her to it, Well back in October last year after a weekend away, where her daughter was found smoking she went into a real weird mood, really became quiet and insular for a day, so we returned home and i left her to have it out with her daughter, later that evening i received a txt message basically ending it, well i thought it was a reaction to the smoking thing and sat back waiting for the phone call, it didn't come and so i pursued, she held me off for five weeks and i had all but given up on us, when out of the blue she phoned me, and we where back on, I went round and we had a fantastic day and she told me that their was no one else for her except me and that she would marry me if i would have her, i was pleased to say the least, and for three weeks everything was fantastic, but then out of the blue one morning she totally ignored me like i wasn't there, no communication of any sort, like i was invisible and that lasted for three days, this was the week before Christmas and i was thinking she is going to totally ruin xmas for everyone and was on the verge of loosing my temper and leaving, when on the fourth day she totally snapped out of it and all was fine again and i have to say that i, and indeed we had the best Christmas ever, this lasted until the 29th Dec, on the day in question we went out the three of us and had a beautiful day, her daughter went to her fathers late in the day and we had an early night and everything was fantastic, the sex was always fantastic, the last thing she said to me that night before she fell asleep was "i love you so much" i can still hear her saying it, In the morning she was not there when i awoke, so i looked for her and she was asleep in her daughters bed, she occaisionaly did this when i snored so i made her a cup of tea and thought little of it, however when she got up she ignored me as before, i was invisible again, i knew that i was going to lose my temper if i stayed and so i left and went back six hours later, she was very cold toward me and asked what i was doing that evening, we had planned to have a meal with friends and so i said why what are you doing, she replied "having an early night" and so i asked what the quiet treatment was all about and what had i done, she said we have no future together, we are not going to last, at which point i lost my temper and called her names like phyco, and (this is the one that hurts) mutton dressed as lamb, i don't know why i said that, she isn't, but in my rage i think i knew it would deeply hurt her, and i was right, boy was i right, So that was 5ish weeks ago, went one month NC expecting her to crack, but she did,nt and i did, txt,td her on Sunday last but no reply, as the days rolled by i became more and more worried that this time it really was the end, and so txt,td her again, then last night i get home from the gym and receive a phone call from her 19 year old son telling me to back off and leave her alone, i agreed to, So looks fairly final to me, but why the proposal of marriage, why the reconciliation, and why the moods, and why me, even now i keep foolishly thinking that she may change her mind, but why do i think that, she was messing with my head for months and i let her, and in that statement probably lies the answer, if anyone can shed light on this behavior then im all ears, but the bottom line is that i do still love her, i had become a part of her family and the thought that it is really over is driving me, again to despair........................ Link to post Share on other sites
imokurnot Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 When you say ignored you like you weren't there, do you mean it literally? I mean she doesn't say anything to you or interact at all on these occassions? Did you ask her son when he called what it was about or why she had decided to end it the way she did? There has to be more to it or she has some form of mental illness. I hate to say that but there has to be a trigger for her mood changes and you haven't given me anything to tip it off that it was you. Does she communicate (before) about her feelings at all with you? Does the daughter know why this happens? (I guess at 13 she wouldn't have a clue) Or the son? He is 18 so he should know something about her mood swings. Has this happened to her in past relationships that any of the kids can remember? That is just twilight zone material the way you explain it here. Does she see a counselor or a psych.? Is she on medicatins at all? wow I am stumped without more information or possible evidence. Sorry I am at a losss for words. That doesn't happen very often so some people may consider it a good thing. But I can't figure that one out at all without more to go off. Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 she was messing with my head for months and i let her, and in that statement probably lies the answer exactly dude! she sounds like more than any man could possibly handle... very high maintenance! but the bottom line is that i do still love her, i had become a part of her family and the thought that it is really over is driving me, again to despair........................ i am in the same rocking boat as you and there is nothing you can do about how you feel about someone although you should have kept the insults at bay, with my ex i never verbally insulted her once about anything, she even used to ask me did i think she was a neurotic bitch etc. the most i ever said to her is that i really didn't understand her at all sometimes a good friends mother once said to me "if you have nothing good to say say nothing at all", this is how i treated her Link to post Share on other sites
Author zep52 Posted February 4, 2005 Author Share Posted February 4, 2005 She visited a doctor about 10 months ago and he prescribed prozac which she declined, she does take beta blockers because she would get palpatations, which i guess are a symptom of her depression, she would literally blank me totally, her sister told me that she was worse, so it appears that what ever the reason it runs in the family, she can be so kind and caring, but on the flip side she can be totally monstrous, Her son and her have regular run ins they are so alike in there temprement that they cant spend more than five minutes together without having a blazing row, which in turn would trigger a mood swing, her daughter who is great, really grounded always says just leave her to it, but she shouldn't have to live like that, she is at that age now where she is starting to rebel against her mother and i can see big problems round the corner for the two of them, which is a great shame, But every mother has ups and downs with their kids, so as far as the big picture goes i tend to think that she is hovering on the edge of a major break down, i take no pleasure in saying that and have in the past begged her to reconsider the prozac, but for her it is an admission of weakness and failure to take them????? In a way im glad to be out of it, but i miss her dearly and feel like a spectator watching a car racing along that i know is going to crash, i want to be there for her, but she refuses to talk to me and now her son is riding shotgun i will only make things worse if i don't stay away, God im a real mess, im coping because i have to, but my mind is always with her, even my dreams are full of her, like everyone i know says "you are better of without her" but i care about her and hate to think of her suffering, and i know she is, she had so much to be thankful for but she is a "the glass is half empty kind of girl" and will always make herself miserable i fear, So all i can do is stand off and wait to hear that she has cracked up, thats assuming that i don't beat her to it, thanks for the support guys, talking to people on this site is a great help Thank you...... Link to post Share on other sites
sweet-oooh Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 well id like to give some advice, as a female, although im no expert! But it does sound to me like she suffers from some kind of mild depression, and if you can handle that and still love her then you are a v good man. I myself believe that all the games and NC only work for certain situations and i dont think they would work for me. If you have tried this and it hasnt got you anywhere and you truly love her, then i would say GO FOR IT you have nothing to lose right? Life is too short, if you love her, reach out with both arms and tell her exactly what you feel, what you want. Make sure she knows that its your last attempt and THEN leave the ball in her court. Then i would say do NC again and see what happens. If she contacts you again after that, then shes yours, if not, well you will be no worse off. But it sounds like you really love her so you have to try. If you do get back together you obviously need to help her with her mood swings, but for now, TELL HER WHAT YOU WANT and that you love her, all these games do not work for all women!!! IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, LET IT GO, IF IT COMES BACK ITS YOURS. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author zep52 Posted February 5, 2005 Author Share Posted February 5, 2005 Thank you for your advice, the problem now lies in the fact that she will not talk to me, and that her son has in effect warned me off, if i push now i risk upsetting her whole family, and as much as i love her i don't want to make things worse, its as if now that she hates me, i saw her last night in the bar and she walked strait past me, made for a very uncomfortable night, i think now as you said that i must set her free, and hope that at some point in the future she will return, its just taking your hands from the reigns is kind of scary, i now have no influence and am alone, I truly hope she does come back, i love her with all my heart, but i no longer have the right to her time or love, she has cut me adrift and so i will move on, i hate to say that but for my own sanity i must, this has taken so much out of me in the last 4 months, i have lost two stones in weight, and i cant remember the last time i slept soundly, i am smoking far to much and have taken to drinking in an attempt to sleep, im falling apart and i cant do it no more, all the times she said she loved me, you don't do this to people you love, So thats it, im a broken soul, but i must rise up else i will sink, and i aint gonna sink, but all i can see ahead is pain and im in dought that i can make it to the sunshine again, but with time i will, thought that i would be happy forever not so long ago, but now that seems so very long ago, Thank you... Link to post Share on other sites
sweet-oooh Posted February 6, 2005 Share Posted February 6, 2005 Yes i think if you are strong enough to let go, then that is the healthier thing to do, and i know it is very hard. But if you do happen to see her or speak to her, then i see no harm in letting it all out and telling her how you feel, its your last shot and if you dont try, then you may always wish that you did. I wish you all the luck in the world, i have been there myself and i know its bloody hard dave but it DOES get better i promise, take care Link to post Share on other sites
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