Sgt. Pepper Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 My fiancé and I got together in July. She lives in Texas and I live in NJ. She came up here for three weeks in November to December; our first are was on my birthday. During those three weeks, she lost her virginity to me, which she still hasn't emotionally processed fully. I'd really like to see her again. But because of jobs and lack of money it hasn been possible. On April 1st I just started a new job an will be brining home 2500 to her, of which I am giving her 500 as an allowance of sorts. I work Monday through Friday, she works Friday, Sat, Sun and Monday. I will have the money to see her by May 1st, but I don't want to lose this job What should I do? On May 6th t will be six months since we saw each other last. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 How did you become engaged to someone you've been with so scarcely? What is this about an allowance? You're supporting her? I'm confused - is this an arranged marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sgt. Pepper Posted April 13, 2014 Author Share Posted April 13, 2014 How did you become engaged to someone you've been with so scarcely? What is this about an allowance? You're supporting her? I'm confused - is this an arranged marriage? We've been talking every day, for most of the relationship it was all day, since July. We just know we're each other's soul mates. We've changed each other's lives for the better. She goes by my last name. As to the money I just love showering her wih gifts and this month decided to give her some money to go nuts with as an Easter present. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 Well then, you're talking about a strictly logistical problem due to your work schedules. If you can't take off because you're new at the job, I'd fly her up to see you. Can she take a couple of days off and make a long weekend of it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 I'm not sure if I am understanding your post entirely right. Are you saying if you choose to leave and visit her, you will lose your job? Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 Talking each day is nothing like spending a lot of time together, it's not a good idea to promise to spend the rest of your lives together after only 3 weeks together. She may feel like a soul mate, but we can have more than one soul mate in a life time, I have. Don't risk losing your job, if that's what you meant. We've been talking every day, for most of the relationship it was all day, since July. We just know we're each other's soul mates. We've changed each other's lives for the better. She goes by my last name. As to the money I just love showering her wih gifts and this month decided to give her some money to go nuts with as an Easter present. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sgt. Pepper Posted April 14, 2014 Author Share Posted April 14, 2014 I'm not sure if I am understanding your post entirely right. Are you saying if you choose to leave and visit her, you will lose your job? Well I just started the job on April 1st. I could lie and say a family member is in the hospital and I need to go down and stay. What should we do in terms of a visit? Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 Well I just started the job on April 1st. I could lie and say a family member is in the hospital and I need to go down and stay. What should we do in terms of a visit? Is my suggestion an option? Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 Well I just started the job on April 1st. I could lie and say a family member is in the hospital and I need to go down and stay. What should we do in terms of a visit? Okay, no. You are engaged but you cannot behave responsibly in terms of employment that is just a big no no. I understand that you miss one another, but you can't just go around lying to your employer and jeopardizing employment over a visit. This is just screaming of a lack of reality and maturity. I understand you lost your Mother recently. My condolences, are you possibly acting out and being so impulsive in response to the loss of her? How old are you two? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sgt. Pepper Posted April 14, 2014 Author Share Posted April 14, 2014 Okay, no. You are engaged but you cannot behave responsibly in terms of employment that is just a big no no. I understand that you miss one another, but you can't just go around lying to your employer and jeopardizing employment over a visit. This is just screaming of a lack of reality and maturity. I understand you lost your Mother recently. My condolences, are you possibly acting out and being so impulsive in response to the loss of her? How old are you two? I didn't say I would actually do that. I was just suggesting that it as a possible albeit unrealistic option. I would try to get her up here but when she came her extende family didn't treat he so well and she feels kinda burned by it. Also, she already came up once, should I not put some effort in? I am 23, she is 19. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 Sgt. Pepper, You're not thinking. Have her visit you. Allowance? Soul-mate? She goes by your last name??? Fiancee? This has TROUBLE written all over it. You two MUST be young and naive. How can she go by your last name???? Are you two playing house? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 I didn't say I would actually do that. I was just suggesting that it as a possible albeit unrealistic option. I would try to get her up here but when she came her extende family didn't treat he so well and she feels kinda burned by it. Also, she already came up once, should I not put some effort in? I am 23, she is 19. I think it's great you want to put in the effort of coming to her, since she came to you last time. However, context is everything. You need your job and you need to behave responsibly with the employment you are given. If she is going to marry you, she had better get over her qualms with extended family because they aren't going anywhere. That being said, all of this seems pretty unhealthy based on your other threads. The fact that you would consider lying to your employer to go see her, and then throw 500 her way, when you may or may not have a job to come back to..you just aren't thinking with your head on straight right now. Plus you mentioned rushing in another thread..rushing what? The engagement? Marriage? You sound like you're trying to fill a void, not hold a relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sgt. Pepper Posted April 14, 2014 Author Share Posted April 14, 2014 Ok, here. I got with her just after a very bad break up and while my mother was dying (she narrowly survived). A lot of thins happened, I had to leave home. Through all the nonsense she's stuck by me. I was the one who pushed the engagement stuff, giving her my passwords, the rushif , long story but it was the result of a lot of carried over baggage from the last relationship. The thing is, while the relationship parameters I set were and are unhealthy mostly based on impulse, we both love each other and we have actually made each other better people. My therapist agrees that the parameters I set are unhealthy but that the relationship itself is not. It's too Lon of a story and I don't has a computer righ now I'm only typing on my cell phone which is hard. The thin is, I would like for the relationship to become healthier. She is the one I believe, I've just been going about it really wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 Ok, here. I got with her just after a very bad break up and while my mother was dying (she narrowly survived). A lot of thins happened, I had to leave home. Through all the nonsense she's stuck by me. I was the one who pushed the engagement stuff, giving her my passwords, the rushif , long story but it was the result of a lot of carried over baggage from the last relationship. The thing is, while the relationship parameters I set were and are unhealthy mostly based on impulse, we both love each other and we have actually made each other better people. My therapist agrees that the parameters I set are unhealthy but that the relationship itself is not. It's too Lon of a story and I don't has a computer righ now I'm only typing on my cell phone which is hard. The thin is, I would like for the relationship to become healthier. She is the one I believe, I've just been going about it really wrong. Then you need to turn this ship around. You are recently employed, sounds like you will be making decent money. Stay employed, work and make money. If you two plan to marry then who is moving where? Also, you need to get some autonomy but I don't think I am telling you anything you do not already know. Make good choices and not poor ones, out of sacrifice for your relationship and if this relationship really is "the one" it will thrive from those good choices, not die out in spite of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 This has disaster written all over it. You two don't know each other well enough to be engaged. Giving her your passwords is not an engagement. Giving her a ring & setting a wedding date is an engagement. Have you met each others families? You sending her money is also BAD If she had any class, she'd turn it down. You say you live in NJ. Are you making $2500 per week or per month? If per month, I don't see how you can afford to live in NJ for $2,000 per month. You need to be saving your money, not sending it to her. Flights to Texas aren't that expensive. Take a 3 day weekend & go visit her. She can still go to work while you are there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sgt. Pepper Posted April 14, 2014 Author Share Posted April 14, 2014 This has disaster written all over it. You two don't know each other well enough to be engaged. Giving her your passwords is not an engagement. Giving her a ring & setting a wedding date is an engagement. Have you met each others families? You sending her money is also BAD If she had any class, she'd turn it down. You say you live in NJ. Are you making $2500 per week or per month? If per month, I don't see how you can afford to live in NJ for $2,000 per month. You need to be saving your money, not sending it to her. Flights to Texas aren't that expensive. Take a 3 day weekend & go visit her. She can still go to work while you are there. A month yes but we want to live in TX eventually. But the thing is I work Mon to Fri Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 A month yes but we want to live in TX eventually. But the thing is I work Mon to Fri You get an after work flight on Friday over a 3 day weekend & come home Monday. What's the problem? It's not a long flight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 (edited) A month yes but we want to live in TX eventually. But the thing is I work Mon to Fri Take a flight Friday evening after work and fly back on Sunday night. You can see her when she isn't working. Lots of people go away for the weekend, and this is exactly what they do. I have to say, though, this "fiance" stuff when you've only met once and you haven't given her an engagement ring, her using your last name when you aren't even married, you sending her an allowance...it's really strange stuff. Edited April 14, 2014 by clia Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 I too think it's too early for you to ask time off work. Fly to Texas on Friday after work and come back Sunday night. It'll be good to test the relationship, her patience and understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
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