A question for betrayed spouses

[Cocochai]

Why is it after a DDAY is when the BS starts to realize that they took their MM/MW for granted during the M and want to suddenly work on what made you two fall in love from the beginning?

 

From what I've read and followed... The MM/MW gets caught and suddenly cut the OW/OM off to work on their M? Most A and especially the longterm ones are pretty much emotional where they may not be getting that at home.

 

I'm not talking about the ones who probably NEVER believed in being faithful from the beginning and you have caught them before you got M, I'm talking about the MW/MM who simply take their spouse for granted?

 

I've heard Folks say "I just want to feel appreciate and I try to talk to my spouse ) but the minute you discover a DDAY your ready to compete, take the kids away and only then work on your issues?

 

It's just a question please don't take this where I'm saying your the blame in this (cheating is a choice) but I feel communication is everything.

[Lady2163]

Okay, all I have are theories, since my exhusband probably didn't cheat, so I've never been a BS. Been a betrayed girlfriend, but that is different.

 

1). Real life happens. The honeymoon doesn't last forever and before you know it, you barely say three sentences to each other. Work, kids, different hobbies or social clubs, community involvement take away from couple time.

 

2). In the majority of instances, nobody wants to lose their socioeconomic standing. I would say this is primarily for homeowners, but could be wrong. People don't want to lose what they spent X number of years working for. Face it, even thought the BS is the wounded party here, they probably can't afford the house on their own even with alimony and child support.

 

3). This may be an honest to goodness wake up call and one or both in the couple realize they really do love each other.

 

I'm in a lot different position than I was when I was married the first time. I am a lot older. My communication skills have improved. My knowledge of self has grown. I'd like to think if I ever do remarry I will be better than I was at 20 something.

[Tullyseptember]

Hi Cocochai,

 

My ex-husband wasn't home a lot, especially when our kids were younger. He had a lot of "him" time and during his affair I have no idea what he told the Other Woman. I know he told me that I wasn't there for him! When really in my situation he really wasn't present in our marriage he did want he wanted and even the Dday was all about him;( The Other Woman gave him an ultimatum which he didn't take in her favor. She must of been very hurt for his blasé choice but I must say she never made any issue with me or even made herself present in our family unit. It's sad we just went on after dday and really he treated us both horribly. He wasn't going anywhere and years later I found out from her what he talked about with her about their future which he didn't follow through with. He lead her on from my point of view and when push came to shove he wasn't going to change his situation and it was at both of our expenses;(

[frogss29]

When Dday came for me, I had to decide what I wanted. He obviously wanted to stay married.

We had a long and happy marriage. Strange, but true.

I think in hindsight 'life' got in the way and made us both probably trudge along and we got in a rut.

When issues happened for my husband, he was ripe for the affair. He needed his ego stroked....and not by me. He was in 'the wrong place at the wrong time'.

So once D day happened, we looked long and hard at what we thought were things that needed to be improved.

NEVER did I consider that strengthening and improving our marriage was 'competing'.

Really, for me, the OW never entered into it.

[jwi71]

Why is it after a DDAY is when the BS starts to realize that they took their MM/MW for granted during the M and want to suddenly work on what made you two fall in love from the beginning?

 

You may have who took whom for granted backwards.

And, to me, it unfairly puts the blame for the WS' actions upon the BS - who, by definition, doesn't know of the A. How is it one, who is unaware of actions, responsible for said actions?

 

From what I've read and followed... The MM/MW gets caught and suddenly cut the OW/OM off to work on their M?

 

This doesn't make sense given your opening. Why would the WS, who was "forced" to cheat by the actions of the BS need to work on anything? Following the opening, should it not be the BS working on "things"?

 

Most A and especially the longterm ones are pretty much emotional where they may not be getting that at home.

 

I agree. And in my two marriages and many GF's - I have NEVER met anyone who FULLY satisfies my every need all the time. I do, now as I type, I have unmet needs. I'm sure my W does as well.

 

It seems an awfully tall order for one spouse to expect the other to forever and always meet their needs. Especially uncommunicated needs.

 

The one thing most often said by the BS, myself included, I never saw it coming.

 

I'm not talking about the ones who probably NEVER believed in being faithful from the beginning and you have caught them before you got M, I'm talking about the MW/MM who simply take their spouse for granted?

 

Wait. I thought you were saying the BS was taking the WS for granted. In fact, its your first sentence. Now you say the MM/MW takes the BS for granted.

 

Can you clarify?

 

I've heard Folks say "I just want to feel appreciate and I try to talk to my spouse ) but the minute you discover a DDAY your ready to compete, take the kids away and only then work on your issues?

 

No excuse for this behavior and, in my state anyway, doesn't matter. Being a crappy spouse is no reflection on one's ability to parent. However, while I do NOT nor NEVER will condone such a tactic - I do understand from where it comes.

 

It's just a question please don't take this where I'm saying your the blame in this (cheating is a choice) but I feel communication is everything.

 

Correct. Communication is the cornerstone of ANY R.

 

And, touching on what I said earlier, most BS have no idea of the A. Nor that conditions might be ripe for one. It requires communication by the "unhappy" party to the "aggrieving" party in search of a healthy resolution. Clearly an A is not likely to qualify as healthy. And certainly not communicated - in fact, it is actively hidden.

 

While the BS, myself included, MUST take inventory of their failures and contributions to the M - they NEVER own the A. That is on the WS.

[veritas lux mea]

Well... I was a ws and a cake eater and it is fun to have two lives and for those who master it... It can happen for years. I've noticed in real life greedy and selfish people cheat. They may cheat on greedy and selfish partners or they may cheat on wonderful spouses (what I did). But cheating is never an act of pure and true love and it is never selfless no matter how monsterous the BS is. So really, WS should drop all the really really lame excuses that are only bought by people who are blinded by love and make a choice.

 

As much as we would love to believe that most BS only jump on fixing the marriage when they learn there is competition that is rarely the case. And if it is true reconciliation won't come of it anyways. But what a MP and a BS decided to do/ motives when the affair is over/ discovered really is none of the OWs business.

[Popsicle]

As much as we would love to believe that most BS only jump on fixing the marriage when they learn there is competition that is rarely the case. And if it is true reconciliation won't come of it anyways.

 

re: the bolded, Why not?

[frogss29]

re: the bolded, Why not?

 

 

Probably because you aren't trying to reconcile/work out issues for the right reason? Once the competition is gone, maybe the partners go back to what they did before.

[Cocochai]

You may have who took whom for granted backwards.

And, to me, it unfairly puts the blame for the WS' actions upon the BS - who, by definition, doesn't know of the A. How is it one, who is unaware of actions, responsible for said actions?

 

 

 

This doesn't make sense given your opening. Why would the WS, who was "forced" to cheat by the actions of the BS need to work on anything? Following the opening, should it not be the BS working on "things"?

 

 

 

I agree. And in my two marriages and many GF's - I have NEVER met anyone who FULLY satisfies my every need all the time. I do, now as I type, I have unmet needs. I'm sure my W does as well.

 

It seems an awfully tall order for one spouse to expect the other to forever and always meet their needs. Especially uncommunicated needs.

 

The one thing most often said by the BS, myself included, I never saw it coming.

 

 

 

Wait. I thought you were saying the BS was taking the WS for granted. In fact, its your first sentence. Now you say the MM/MW takes the BS for granted.

 

Can you clarify?

 

 

 

No excuse for this behavior and, in my state anyway, doesn't matter. Being a crappy spouse is no reflection on one's ability to parent. However, while I do NOT nor NEVER will condone such a tactic - I do understand from where it comes.

 

 

 

Correct. Communication is the cornerstone of ANY R.

 

And, touching on what I said earlier, most BS have no idea of the A. Nor that conditions might be ripe for one. It requires communication by the "unhappy" party to the "aggrieving" party in search of a healthy resolution. Clearly an A is not likely to qualify as healthy. And certainly not communicated - in fact, it is actively hidden.

 

While the BS, myself included, MUST take inventory of their failures and contributions to the M - they NEVER own the A. That is on the WS.

 

 

Wait, I'm still learning these terms... What is WS?

 

BOTH really take each other for granted and as I stated before, I'm not talking about the ones who never intended to stay faithful from the beginning but I understand how life gets in the way.

 

It just seems like people "wake up" after they realize someone else has their mates attention and it shouldn't be like that.

[Cocochai]

You may have who took whom for granted backwards.

And, to me, it unfairly puts the blame for the WS' actions upon the BS - who, by definition, doesn't know of the A. How is it one, who is unaware of actions, responsible for said actions?

 

 

 

This doesn't make sense given your opening. Why would the WS, who was "forced" to cheat by the actions of the BS need to work on anything? Following the opening, should it not be the BS working on "things"?

 

 

 

I agree. And in my two marriages and many GF's - I have NEVER met anyone who FULLY satisfies my every need all the time. I do, now as I type, I have unmet needs. I'm sure my W does as well.

 

It seems an awfully tall order for one spouse to expect the other to forever and always meet their needs. Especially uncommunicated needs.

 

The one thing most often said by the BS, myself included, I never saw it coming.

 

 

 

Wait. I thought you were saying the BS was taking the WS for granted. In fact, its your first sentence. Now you say the MM/MW takes the BS for granted.

 

Can you clarify?

 

 

 

No excuse for this behavior and, in my state anyway, doesn't matter. Being a crappy spouse is no reflection on one's ability to parent. However, while I do NOT nor NEVER will condone such a tactic - I do understand from where it comes.

 

 

 

Correct. Communication is the cornerstone of ANY R.

 

And, touching on what I said earlier, most BS have no idea of the A. Nor that conditions might be ripe for one. It requires communication by the "unhappy" party to the "aggrieving" party in search of a healthy resolution. Clearly an A is not likely to qualify as healthy. And certainly not communicated - in fact, it is actively hidden.

 

While the BS, myself included, MUST take inventory of their failures and contributions to the M - they NEVER own the A. That is on the WS.

 

I don't have enough time to answer all your questions but when did I mention cheating is forced when I mentioned "cheating is a choice"... You can't stop someone from having sex with someone else but that wasn't the point of the thread I made....

 

I'm still learning these terms... What is WS?

 

BOTH really take each other for granted and as I stated before, I'm not talking about the ones who never intended to stay faithful from the beginning but I understand how life gets in the way.

 

It just seems like people "wake up" after they realize someone else has their mates attention and it shouldn't be like that.

[Arieswoman]

Cocochai,

 

I cxan't speak for all BSs but

 

Why is it after a DDAY is when the BS starts to realize that they took their MM/MW for granted during the M and want to suddenly work on what made you two fall in love from the beginning?

 

was not true in my case.

 

I never took my husband for granted.

 

I worked a f/t job (earning mnore than he did) which enabled us to have a pretty good lifestyle. In addition I organised and attended to most of the household tasks, paid bills, paid the mortgage, washed both cars and put up with his sulking and bad moods. I actually paid for his car and let him use my credit card to put petrol in it.

 

If anyone was taken for granted it was me.

 

Throughout his 7 month affair he gaslighted me and treated me like ****. I put up with it as I thought he was stressed at work. When DD came it was a huge relief as I realised that I wasn't losing my mind after all.

 

One of the many lessons I learned from being a BS was never to work my backside off for any man ever again - let them carry some of the load.

My present husband has been in the Army and knows how to wash, iron, cook and do housework.

[RedRobin]

I don't compete for men and don't imagine I ever will.

 

 

When my now ex-H confessed, I believed he sincerely wanted to work on the marriage. If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't have continued. I don't have any problems admitting my share in things, but I will never accept his choice to cheat.

 

 

Interestingly enough... the year we spent counseling had very little to do with his affair and more about trying to find a way to get resolution on some long standing issues.

 

 

At the end of the day, I viewed his affair as emotional blackmail. He made promises to me before we were married (not just fidelity) that he didn't feel like following through on. And he had his affair... and maybe even confessed... to try and bully me into going along with what he wanted or dump him since he didn't have the balls to admit that he couldn't follow through.

 

 

Big coward.

 

 

No. I tried to work on my marriage after DD because I believe in commitment and I own my share in things. Always have. If anyone I'm with thinks I'm going to 'compete' for him, he can think again.

[purplesorrow]

Why is it after a DDAY is when the BS starts to realize that they took their MM/MW for granted during the M and want to suddenly work on what made you two fall in love from the beginning?

 

.

 

This was not the truth in my situation. I asked him to leave on dday. I always tried to work on my marriage. I didn't take him for granted. He was the absent one. It was him who decided the ow wasn't worth even a goodbye text. He realized what he had taken for granted and wanted to try to save it. He never had one conversation about being unhappy. Oddly enough I think he was able to cheat because he was so secure in what he had at home. I think he thought I would never leave. He was wrong.

Edited April 14, 2014 by purplesorrow

[BHsigh]

Why is it after a DDAY is when the BS starts to realize that they took their MM/MW for granted during the M and want to suddenly work on what made you two fall in love from the beginning?

 

From what I've read and followed... The MM/MW gets caught and suddenly cut the OW/OM off to work on their M? Most A and especially the longterm ones are pretty much emotional where they may not be getting that at home.

 

I'm not talking about the ones who probably NEVER believed in being faithful from the beginning and you have caught them before you got M, I'm talking about the MW/MM who simply take their spouse for granted?

 

I've heard Folks say "I just want to feel appreciate and I try to talk to my spouse ) but the minute you discover a DDAY your ready to compete, take the kids away and only then work on your issues?

 

It's just a question please don't take this where I'm saying your the blame in this (cheating is a choice) but I feel communication is everything.

 

I believe that this is only half of the question, in many cases it is both partners that stop trying to work on the marriage, and take each other for granted.

 

But the simple answer is that the affair is a wake up call, probably the worst thing to use as a wake up call, but a wake up call nonetheless. It's easy to get in a routine and not notice that the marriage is as bad as it is, and it's just as easy for the WS to not communicate their problems as they should.

 

I understand that there are many different situations, so I'm only answering generally here.

 

In my own situation, I had no idea that things were as bad as they were. My wife wanted to go out more because she was stressed from being home, I wanted to relax at home more because I worked all of the time, traveled for work and I was stressed from our move out of state, she's extroverted and I'm introverted. We were both stuck and didn't work with each other as much as we should have.

[gettingstronger]

I feel badly for you that you were able to write this, it seems that your view on marriage and why people cheat will forever leave you vulnerable to being an OW-I hope that you really read these answers so you can understand a cheating spouse and what reconciliation really looks like-

 

Here is our story-

 

We married and both were working hard, high pressure jobs-he had an hard upbringing- when we decided to have kids it was decided I would step back from my career so the kids would always have someone there-

 

He continued and rose high in the corporate ranks-traveling a lot while I ran our boys all over town for activities, payed bills, cleaned the house-you know all the trappings of a suburban life-

 

He hit a plateau in life as we all do-needed his ego stroked and found someone willing to do so-someone willing to travel at her own expense to meet him on business, someone willing to spend time away from their own kids to be with him, someone willing to sacrifice family time for him-someone willing to be the kind of Mother he grew up with and did not want for his own kids-

 

When dday came, it was not me that had to change and suddenly work on our marriage-it was him-I was not competing with our OW-he was competing for me, competing against some mythical person he knew could be more of a man for me than he was-

 

He has said over and over that he was greedy and a dirtbag and he is right-he is working hard on being the man he signed up to be-

 

As far as what he told our OW-yes, he said I did not have time for him, that he felt lonely, etc.. what he failed to say was that we had a busy full life and that I was holding up my end of the bargain not him- I asked why he would paint such a picture of our life and he said simply-its what I had to do to convince myself what I was doing was OK and really what kind of woman would sleep with me knowing what an awful husband I was-

 

So yes, in a nutshell thats the truth of our marriage and ensuing reconciliation-

[waterwoman]

It works a bit like that on both spouses. There is something to lose for both. H never intended to leave. When he realised that divorce was actually a quite distinct possibility in the sort of situation he had created, he worked his socks off to change his behaviour. Did I make more effort too? You bet! Why then and not before? Because the man I was married to during and for about a year before the affair was a selfish git who simply didn't deserve the time or energy. After dday he got his head out of his arse and became a decent man again.

[HermioneG]

Wait, I'm still learning these terms... What is WS?

 

BOTH really take each other for granted and as I stated before, I'm not talking about the ones who never intended to stay faithful from the beginning but I understand how life gets in the way.

 

It just seems like people "wake up" after they realize someone else has their mates attention and it shouldn't be like that.

 

Actually?

 

The person most likely to cheat in a relationship is the person giving less to the relationship.

 

The overbenefitted spouse. You can read Glass and Pittman for a a better explanation.

 

In my situation, there was no taking my spouse for granted or not being affectionate enough. The one with the problem was my spouse. Our marriage was not the issue, he was. Infidelity is a personal problem, not a marital one.

 

So post DDay? I kicked him out and changed the locks and told him to go be with her. Which turned out to be the last thing on the planet he wanted.

[Cocochai]

I feel badly for you that you were able to write this, it seems that your view on marriage and why people cheat will forever leave you vulnerable to being an OW-I hope that you really read these answers so you can understand a cheating spouse and what reconciliation really looks like-

 

Here is our story-

 

We married and both were working hard, high pressure jobs-he had an hard upbringing- when we decided to have kids it was decided I would step back from my career so the kids would always have someone there-

 

He continued and rose high in the corporate ranks-traveling a lot while I ran our boys all over town for activities, payed bills, cleaned the house-you know all the trappings of a suburban life-

 

He hit a plateau in life as we all do-needed his ego stroked and found someone willing to do so-someone willing to travel at her own expense to meet him on business, someone willing to spend time away from their own kids to be with him, someone willing to sacrifice family time for him-someone willing to be the kind of Mother he grew up with and did not want for his own kids-

 

When dday came, it was not me that had to change and suddenly work on our marriage-it was him-I was not competing with our OW-he was competing for me, competing against some mythical person he knew could be more of a man for me than he was-

 

He has said over and over that he was greedy and a dirtbag and he is right-he is working hard on being the man he signed up to be-

 

As far as what he told our OW-yes, he said I did not have time for him, that he felt lonely, etc.. what he failed to say was that we had a busy full life and that I was holding up my end of the bargain not him- I asked why he would paint such a picture of our life and he said simply-its what I had to do to convince myself what I was doing was OK and really what kind of woman would sleep with me knowing what an awful husband I was-

 

So yes, in a nutshell thats the truth of our marriage and ensuing reconciliation-

 

Wait!!! You feel bad for me for asking a question???

 

 

And you feel I'll forever be in the OW's spot??? Not going to happen..How about a BS forever taking a cheating husband back??

 

That's not a fair assumption....

[gettingstronger]

Yes OP. The way you worded your question makes it seem you buy in to the poor pitiful me line of the MM. For that I do feel badly. The fact you only responded to that part of my post, totally ignoring the rest seems to say that you are indeed a very vulnerable person. Yes, if I stay with my husband I will indeed always be a betrayed spouse, in that I am married to someone that betrayed me. I admit that, it's what I signed up for when I agreed to reconcile. I can own it, can you?

[purplesorrow]

 

And you feel I'll forever be in the OW's spot??? Not going to happen..How about a BS forever taking a cheating husband back??

 

That's not a fair assumption....

 

It also isn't a fair assumption that someone's husband hasn't changed. I find it amusing that he becomes nothing more than a cheating husband when he decides to fix his marriage. While in the affair he was a soulmate, the hotest sex ever etc blah blah. There is a huge difference between just taking someone back and some one working hard to change and earning the GIFT of reconciliation. Just like the affair doesn't define you, it doesn't define someone's spouse.

[Cocochai]

Yes OP. The way you worded your question makes it seem you buy in to the poor pitiful me line of the MM. For that I do feel badly. The fact you only responded to that part of my post, totally ignoring the rest seems to say that you are indeed a very vulnerable person. Yes, if I stay with my husband I will indeed always be a betrayed spouse, in that I am married to someone that betrayed me. I admit that, it's what I signed up for when I agreed to reconcile. I can own it, can you?

 

Unless you can see me face to face.. Don't assume anything about me.

 

I'm only asking a question and wanted to get answered but a lot of people are being devensive.

 

I apologies if it came out that way but no... Not the case at all.

 

 

And I am answering from my phone so I can't answer everything.. You wrote a novel the way it's looking in my phone.

Edited April 14, 2014 by Cocochai

[whichwayisup]

Wait, I'm still learning these terms... What is WS?

 

BOTH really take each other for granted and as I stated before, I'm not talking about the ones who never intended to stay faithful from the beginning but I understand how life gets in the way.

 

It just seems like people "wake up" after they realize someone else has their mates attention and it shouldn't be like that.

 

WS - wandering spouse.

[cocorico]

Why is it after a DDAY is when the BS starts to realize that they took their MM/MW for granted during the M and want to suddenly work on what made you two fall in love from the beginning?

 

From what I've read and followed... The MM/MW gets caught and suddenly cut the OW/OM off to work on their M? Most A and especially the longterm ones are pretty much emotional where they may not be getting that at home.

 

I'm not talking about the ones who probably NEVER believed in being faithful from the beginning and you have caught them before you got M, I'm talking about the MW/MM who simply take their spouse for granted?

 

I've heard Folks say "I just want to feel appreciate and I try to talk to my spouse ) but the minute you discover a DDAY your ready to compete, take the kids away and only then work on your issues?

 

It's just a question please don't take this where I'm saying your the blame in this (cheating is a choice) but I feel communication is everything.

 

I think it serves as a wake-up call, that there actually might be consequences.

 

My H allowed his xW back after a separation when she promised to attend MC (this was years before the A) - a promise she then reneged on. Instead of booting her out again, and subjecting the kids to the same trauma that had led to him considering his then-W's pleas to return, he bit the bullet but checked out of the M emotionally in order to survive - which in turn left him vulnerable to the A.

 

When he told her he would be leaving, that he loved another, she suddenly realised that things were actually serious, and offered MC as a sop. By then, of course, it was way too late and she was left with the consequences. But up until that point she had laughed off his unhappiness, denied his feelings and insisted that everything was just great - because, for her, it was. It was only when he and the kids moved out that reality forced her to consider that, perhaps, they had had a point.

[snappytomcat]

I never took my ws for granted,at all and I never had to compete for a man,and I told the xow on dday,that he was ll hers,and I told him don't let the door hit you in the ass go be with the ow.

and I left to a friends house,who called me,and texted every 15 minutes?you guessed it,my husband begging,and pleading for me to come home,and begging me to go to mc to save our marriage.

so it was a long process to work,and try to save our marriage,i didn't just forgive him in a snap,we are still working on it,i think most ow don't really know what happens on dday,they just assume things

[eye of the storm]

At the time my now ExH asked me for a divorce I did not know he was cheating. I knew he was unhappy, so was I. But I had tried so many things for so long that I became numb to the constant state of unhappiness we both lived in. Him asking me for a divorce, for me, was a wake up call. I thought we could work together on our issues and maybe have a better stronger marriage.

 

When you forget (or chose not to) to communicate your needs/wants/feelings to your partner, you two will drift apart. It doesn't mean its bad, just way too loose. Your marriage is no longer your number 1 priority because everything else has pushed its way in between. Anger, depression, petty acts can increase the distance. You can look at the other person and feel like all your problems are because of them. Instead of working on your M, you have an A.

 

I think for some BSs and WSs, an A can be a wake up call and they may come out of it a stronger team. When you look at someone you loved enough to marry and realize that thru your actions you may lose them forever it can be a painful shock. It makes you reevaluate your thought process and your actions. Some WSs and BSs use this as an chance to start over and become each others priority again.

 

I feel for the OWs who were lied to and told that a future was in the works. Some WSs may have actually meant it until they realized what they were giving up and then changed their minds. Which is a failing on the WS not the OW. Some WSs will just say anything to continue with the ego boost and were lying all the time. Again this is on the WS not the OW.

 

But if a WS decides to work on his M and stop the A. I believe the OW should put her panties back on and let them. It is just like in Vegas, you gambled and lost. When you win its an amazing feeling, but the deck is stacked against the OW the entire time.

 

After they work on their M, they will either have a better M, get a D, stay M and when the dust settles they will start up having another A (with the original AP or another AP) or the OW will have moved on and is not sure which of the above happened (which is the healthiest for the OW)

 

This of course does not apply to serial cheaters and their BSs that continue to take them back time and time again. But even that is their relationship and no matter how wacked out it is...its theirs.

 

This of course is just MHO