A question for betrayed spouses

[Sub]

Why is it after a DDAY is when the BS starts to realize that they took their MM/MW for granted during the M and want to suddenly work on what made you two fall in love from the beginning?

 

I'm talking about the MW/MM who simply take their spouse for granted?

 

I'm confused. Are you asking about the BS or the WS taking the other for granted?

[KaliLove]

Why is it after a DDAY is when the BS starts to realize that they took their MM/MW for granted during the M and want to suddenly work on what made you two fall in love from the beginning?

 

From what I've read and followed... The MM/MW gets caught and suddenly cut the OW/OM off to work on their M? Most A and especially the longterm ones are pretty much emotional where they may not be getting that at home.

 

I'm not talking about the ones who probably NEVER believed in being faithful from the beginning and you have caught them before you got M, I'm talking about the MW/MM who simply take their spouse for granted?

 

I've heard Folks say "I just want to feel appreciate and I try to talk to my spouse ) but the minute you discover a DDAY your ready to compete, take the kids away and only then work on your issues?

 

It's just a question please don't take this where I'm saying your the blame in this (cheating is a choice) but I feel communication is everything.

 

That's an awfully broad assumption to make. I didn't take my exH for granted at all. He was just an azzhole. Just like a lot of cheaters.

 

I think a lot of MM tell OWs that they're being taken for granted but that doesn't make it true. Remember, you're dealing with a known liar.

[Popsicle]

I think it serves as a wake-up call, that there actually might be consequences.

 

My H allowed his xW back after a separation when she promised to attend MC (this was years before the A) - a promise she then reneged on. Instead of booting her out again, and subjecting the kids to the same trauma that had led to him considering his then-W's pleas to return, he bit the bullet but checked out of the M emotionally in order to survive - which in turn left him vulnerable to the A.

 

When he told her he would be leaving, that he loved another, she suddenly realised that things were actually serious, and offered MC as a sop. By then, of course, it was way too late and she was left with the consequences. But up until that point she had laughed off his unhappiness, denied his feelings and insisted that everything was just great - because, for her, it was. It was only when he and the kids moved out that reality forced her to consider that, perhaps, they had had a point.

'

 

Yes, this is very common... ignoring a spouses complaints because you think they aren't going anywhere or it's always been that way. There doesn't even have to be an A for this to happen. Sometimes they don't realize the seriousness of it after separation or divorce papers are filed.

Edited April 14, 2014 by Popsicle

[Betterthanthis13]

Why is it after a DDAY is when the BS starts to realize that they took their MM/MW for granted during the M and want to suddenly work on what made you two fall in love from the beginning?

 

From what I've read and followed... The MM/MW gets caught and suddenly cut the OW/OM off to work on their M? Most A and especially the longterm ones are pretty much emotional where they may not be getting that at home.

 

I'm not talking about the ones who probably NEVER believed in being faithful from the beginning and you have caught them before you got M, I'm talking about the MW/MM who simply take their spouse for granted?

 

I've heard Folks say "I just want to feel appreciate and I try to talk to my spouse ) but the minute you discover a DDAY your ready to compete, take the kids away and only then work on your issues?

 

It's just a question please don't take this where I'm saying your the blame in this (cheating is a choice) but I feel communication is everything.

 

Ok, going by just the example you gave, where the BS is genuinely taking the WS for granted and has little interest in the M until after dday, while the WS has done everything in their power to try to make the marriage work prior to choosing to have an A instead of filing for divorce.

 

(other posters have given you examples of how this is often not the case, but just assuming that your example exists in real life), then I would think Dday is similar to the WS being in a really bad drunk driving car accident, that serves a a wake up call that the BS has been taking the WS for granted, they want to work on the M and figure out what is going on with the WS that had him driving around drunk when they weren't even aware the WS had been drinking in the first place.

 

Sometimes almost losing something gives people a renewed interest in focusing on it. This is all just a guess, I haven't ever seen or heard of a situation where all the conditions in your example exist simultaneously, except maybe in a WS's imagination.

[Fluttershy]

In my situation there was no DDay. He had eneded the affair and confessed. He was already headed in the right direction. Did I take him for granted? For sure, i took it for granted that he would be faithful to me and not lie and cheat. Did I treat him poorly? Nope, no way. My children were quite young so I was at home ad we had both decided for a while. I took care of them and the home and he went to work. I had sex with him and enjoyed it regularly. Was I a perfect wife? Not even close but things weren't so bad that I thought "he must be getting all up in someone else's business" his confession blindsided me and sent me to a horrible place.

 

What did i work on in R? Well when I Realized I was still responsible for my current actions despite his cheating I worked on my coping skills. But the biggest thing I worked on had nothing to do with "why" he cheated. I worked on being a strog and independant woman who would not melt into oblivion without him. I had lost myself and doing what I enjoyed outside of him. So even though I knew I was giving him a second chance instead of thinking "I can't lose him" I think "I will survive it and be well".

 

But we are a happy and complete couple and my life is good. His affair is now non important and his MW even less so.

 

If infidelity occurs and the BS was neglective in the marriage which started the demise of the marriage infidelity may be the wake up call that there are things they should change. Not to keep their WS but to be a better person and keep the family unit together. The marriage was damaged by te neglect but destroyed by the affair. So if the WS owns the destruction and they decided to rebuild both spouse's have a chance to create a better marriage.

[Cocochai]

At the time my now ExH asked me for a divorce I did not know he was cheating. I knew he was unhappy, so was I. But I had tried so many things for so long that I became numb to the constant state of unhappiness we both lived in. Him asking me for a divorce, for me, was a wake up call. I thought we could work together on our issues and maybe have a better stronger marriage.

 

When you forget (or chose not to) to communicate your needs/wants/feelings to your partner, you two will drift apart. It doesn't mean its bad, just way too loose. Your marriage is no longer your number 1 priority because everything else has pushed its way in between. Anger, depression, petty acts can increase the distance. You can look at the other person and feel like all your problems are because of them. Instead of working on your M, you have an A.

 

I think for some BSs and WSs, an A can be a wake up call and they may come out of it a stronger team. When you look at someone you loved enough to marry and realize that thru your actions you may lose them forever it can be a painful shock. It makes you reevaluate your thought process and your actions. Some WSs and BSs use this as an chance to start over and become each others priority again.

 

I feel for the OWs who were lied to and told that a future was in the works. Some WSs may have actually meant it until they realized what they were giving up and then changed their minds. Which is a failing on the WS not the OW. Some WSs will just say anything to continue with the ego boost and were lying all the time. Again this is on the WS not the OW.

 

But if a WS decides to work on his M and stop the A. I believe the OW should put her panties back on and let them. It is just like in Vegas, you gambled and lost. When you win its an amazing feeling, but the deck is stacked against the OW the entire time.

 

After they work on their M, they will either have a better M, get a D, stay M and when the dust settles they will start up having another A (with the original AP or another AP) or the OW will have moved on and is not sure which of the above happened (which is the healthiest for the OW)

 

This of course does not apply to serial cheaters and their BSs that continue to take them back time and time again. But even that is their relationship and no matter how wacked out it is...its theirs.

 

This of course is just MHO

 

Thank you for giving an honest non-defensive answer to my questions

[Sub]

I think for some BSs and WSs, an A can be a wake up call and they may come out of it a stronger team. When you look at someone you loved enough to marry and realize that thru your actions you may lose them forever it can be a painful shock. It makes you reevaluate your thought process and your actions. Some WSs and BSs use this as an chance to start over and become each others priority again.

I agree, but I've always felt that instead of a new beginning or starting over, it's more of a return to what put you together in the first place. And if that foundation is solid enough, it's more likely the M will survive. There were parts of myself that I forgot to maintain along the way, things that my W loved and I lost sight of. It doesn't justify her having an A, but it justified her not feeling as optimistic about our future as she once did.

 

 

I feel for the OWs who were lied to and told that a future was in the works. Some WSs may have actually meant it until they realized what they were giving up and then changed their minds. Which is a failing on the WS not the OW. Some WSs will just say anything to continue with the ego boost and were lying all the time. Again this is on the WS not the OW.

Eh. I can't see it this way. Unless you live in a bubble and have never heard the word "affair", I have a hard time feeling for an adult with any bit of common sense who entered into such a situation not knowing what the possible outcomes are. Not at all to say that AP's deserve to be hurt or lied to. But if you knowingly get into a relationship with someone who's married, you have to understand the risks. There are definitely exceptions, but generally I think OW are smart enough to have the expectation of thinking realistically placed upon them.

[Quiet Storm]

I'm not a BS, but many marriages fall into a routine where you just assume your spouse knows that you love them, knows that you find them attractive, knows that you respect & admire them. They stop expressing their feelings as much, because they feel confident that that the other person already knows...after all, you did choose them to be your spouse. They must know you love them, right?

 

Also, some people have an excessive need for validation. They will be susceptible to attention from others. Their sense of self is wrapped up in how others view them, and a new person that respects or admires them is an enticing source of validation. In a long marriage, it may feel redundant to have to tell your spouse how much you admire them, what a great job they did on the lawn, how attractive they are, etc. Plus, when you have children, you build them up all the time to foster confidence & self esteem. It can seem exhausting to have to constantly do that for a spouse, too. It can prompt thoughts like "He's a grown man, I chose to marry him, why does he need me to stroke his ego all the time? Grow up!". Because marriages are lifelong commitments and all have ups & downs, most people don't think "I have to remember to compliment my spouse today so he doesn't cheat on me!"

 

When a spouse does speak up and says "I need more attention", the gravity of the situation is rarely expressed. They often make a suggestion without emphasizing that the way they are feeling is a real threat to the marriage. Saying "We need to spend more time together" in the midst of a busy day with kids running around, places to go, work to do is quite different than sitting your spouse down and saying "I am unhappy in this marriage. My needs are not being met. We need to make changes ASAP or we need to divorce or negotiate an open marriage".

 

So when D-day hits, the BS is now faced with the reality that the marriage is at risk. Since there is now an imminent threat, there is a sense of urgency. This will cause some BS to choose divorce & others to reevaluate their priorities. In addition, when the WS is faced with divorce (which most never want anyway), they often see how their behavior & choices have threatened the well being of their spouse/ family. This often causes them to evaluate their own choices. In a situation where the WS started the affair for the ego strokes, they need to become aware of their weaknesses & have strong boundaries, to prevent this from happening again.

 

There are also many marriages where the WS is just the irresponsible one. In these marriages, the BS has often dealt with their spouses bad behavior for a long time. The WS has issues like excessive spending, drug or alcohol abuse, employment issues, etc. The BS usually knows something is not right with the WS, but they get stuck in a dynamic where BS takes on a mommy role due to WS irresponsibility. She is doing whatever she can to keep the marriage & the household running, usually to buffer her children from WS's bad choices. In these marriages, the affair is often the straw that broke the camel's back, and the BS is finally ready to leave the marriage. This often prompts the WS to finally get help for his issues, to go to rehab or therapy, to finally take responsibility.

 

I think for many single OW, they do not really understand how deeply connected the WS & BS are - even during miserable, boring and difficult times in their marriage. Marriage is designed so that the commitment will hold the couple together, even in times of stress & unhappiness. This is because in many cases, the bad times are only temporary. I think many OW think, "Well, they haven't had sex in months, there's no passion, she's preoccupied, he's cheating.. the marriage is done!" When actually it is just a down time in their marriage, and the commitment will keep them together until the passion comes again.

 

MM's lies & omission influence that belief, but OW don't realize that the person he lies to most often is usually himself. So even if he genuinely feels that his marriage is done & OW occupies his thoughts- Dday can change all that. It often changes the focus back on the marriage... and the grass you water more is the grass that get's greener. When WS is being attentive to his wife & her feelings, and BS can tell that he is really trying & doesn't want to lose her, the feelings that are the foundation of their marriage can become reactivated. They get a better understanding of each other's needs, so that the marriage can be better maintained.

 

It's like if you are driving your car and sometimes hear a slight tapping noise under the hood. It's driving fine, there are no warning lights are on, and you don't pay much attention to it. Month's later when the car breaks down and you have to pay $3K for a new engine, you think "Oh, sh)t!" Going forward, you will notice any odd noise. You'll take it in regularly for maintenance. You'll make it a priority.

 

I'm not trying to make light of affairs by comparing them to a car, but what I am saying is that we often get complacent and it takes a major event to shock us into action. It doesn't mean that we never valued the marriage (or the car), but that we allowed other things to take priority & change our focus. In the case of a BS trying to meet her spouses needs, it is unlikely that she is trying to compete with the OW. To her, it's not about showing WS that she is the better woman, because in most cases WS is begging to stay married to her. She is simply giving her marriage the attention that it needs, and WS is likely trying his best to repair the damage that was done.

Edited April 14, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[EverySunset]

The first Dday I was stupid. I tried so hard to keep my childrens father in our home.

 

Did I ever take him for granted? Never, never ever. I was a SAHM and super wife. I managed everything for him. Ran his life. Helped him take the right medication every day. Laid out his clothes. Made him coffee breakfast, a bring to work lunch, and a ridiculously healthy meal every night. Along with 4M other things I did for him.

 

The company took off. And apparently so did his d*ck. He felt entitled to every pretty young thing that batted her eyes at the boss.

 

By the second Dday, I left for good.

 

But that first Dday? I never ever took him for granted. I took MYSELF for granted. And that was my mistake. And not one that I repeated.

 

OW can have him. Any OW.

[jwi71]

I don't have enough time to answer all your questions but when did I mention cheating is forced when I mentioned "cheating is a choice"... You can't stop someone from having sex with someone else but that wasn't the point of the thread I made....

 

Oh I got ahead of myself I'm sure.

True, no one was forced to do anything - it was choice all around. By "forced" I meant the WS (to be defined below) felt the "only" or perhaps "most viable" path to resolution was cheating. No other action remained but cheat. Yes, oversimplified but I think you get my point.

 

I'm still learning these terms... What is WS?

 

wayward spouse - the one straying.

 

BOTH really take each other for granted and as I stated before, I'm not talking about the ones who never intended to stay faithful from the beginning but I understand how life gets in the way.

 

I was guilty of this. My lack of meeting her needs helped, over time, create conditions that allowed for her A. In hindsight, it seems so obvious to me - but the me then, too busy working or spending money or accumulating possessions (which required longer hours and you get the idea) to get the sublime clues. And believe me, the clues had to sought after in hindsight - they were amorphous and ethereal.

 

It just seems like people "wake up" after they realize someone else has their mates attention and it shouldn't be like that.

 

Did I wake up? Yes. But not in the sense one might expect. While I do own and recognize my own failings I really woke up and saw hers. I saw lies and deception and theft and cowardice and immaturity in my now xW. I came to the realization, fairly quickly, that I didn't WANT to be M to her - or anyone displaying said traits. So I left. It wasn't until later, in IC, that I began to see my own failures. I'd like to say I've addressed them all but my W would say otherwise. Women.

 

Back on topic- communication is everything. Open and honest communication solves 95% and requires such immense courage. Can we really fault people for not doing so?