trying to cope with distance

[CanIwalkwithyou]

Hi All,

 

I am not very articulate about expressing how I feel through text but decided I should give it a go as I have been reading this forum for a while now trying to apply other peoples experiences to my own relationship and I have found them to be very helpful as times. This is my first LDR and I am probably going to sound selfish, I guess I am not coping with the distance atm.

 

I met a girl online just over a year ago, we live in separate countries, terrible time zone, but we spoke everyday for hours, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day, we liked each other from the beginning and over the last 6 months our relationship took a turn where we both admitted having deep feelings for each other. During the course of our relationship, she has had a lot of changes in her life, most are for the better, work has gotten busier which means we spend less and less time together (that's not one of the better ones btw lol), I thought this was a natural development of any relationship but we have gone from speaking everyday, to every other day, to once a week, to maybe once a fortnight or longer because she is too busy and she doesn't cope well with stress and clams up for a few days where I don't hear from her, about a month or so ago it was for 2 weeks on radio silence, that was the first time ever and it worried me a lot, not about our relationship but just worried about her, seems life just gives her a hard time, now we have found out that she is sick and has to deal with that and surgery and I'm afraid that she will clam up again and I don't think I can cope with that. Tonight was the first time we spoke since finding out, I was going to suggest flying there to be with her but she was pre-occupied and it was not about the surgery. So I didn't.

 

One thing I have learned from this forum is communication is KEY in an LDR. I too also lack this now... Whenever we couldn't talk, I would email and tell her about my day and text good morning and goodnight, (texts are at appropriate times because of our time difference) I may or may not get a reply, it didn't bother me in the beginning but now I think I really don't want check and not see a reply, so I don't do these things as often as I used to.

 

I want to get over this rut that I am feeling I just don't know how and just seeking a little advice before speaking to her about it.

 

Has anyone ever gone through something like this? what did you do? How did you overcome this?

I am pretty sure I have left stuff out (see told you I wasn't good at this) I am happy to reply and fill in gaps. Oh yeah I'm a girl too.

Edited April 14, 2014 by CanIwalkwithyou

[d0nnivain]

I have never understood the allure of trying to build a relationship with someone you have never met in real life.

 

If you want to take this to the next level, work toward & in person meeting sooner rather than later.

 

If no meeting is possible, reassess the validity of the relationship.

[CanIwalkwithyou]

I have never understood the allure of trying to build a relationship with someone you have never met in real life.

 

If you want to take this to the next level, work toward & in person meeting sooner rather than later.

 

If no meeting is possible, reassess the validity of the relationship.

 

I never understood it until now, tbh in the beginning it was the idea of her I found appealing then we started talking and camming then it changed.

 

We are meeting in November, she is coming here. However this was before she found out she needed surgery. In terms of finances, she is the more financially stable, which is why she is coming here, although it's not impossible for me to travel there. I would do that.

 

I've just realised the question I had been trying to ask.

 

Can a LDR that started online survive without constant communication? Or does wanting communication make me sound needy?

[d0nnivain]

Can a LDR that started online survive without constant communication? Or does wanting communication make me sound needy?

 

 

Constant communication will smother any relationship. Frequent communication is important.

 

 

I maintained an LDR before the internet on 1 phone call per week & a snail mail letter per day.

[CanIwalkwithyou]

Constant communication will smother any relationship. Frequent communication is important.

 

 

I maintained an LDR before the internet on 1 phone call per week & a snail mail letter per day.

 

Thank you for your insight and advice. I will discuss that with her the next time we speak

[justwhoiam]

How old are you both? Does her family know about you? Would she have issues telling her family that she has a girlfriend? These are important topics that I hope you have discussed with her.

 

Communication slowing down might be a sign of her trying to distance herself from you.

[CanIwalkwithyou]

How old are you both? Does her family know about you? Would she have issues telling her family that she has a girlfriend? These are important topics that I hope you have discussed with her.

 

I am 24, she is 36, yes to family and friends knowing about us.

 

 

 

 

Communication slowing down might be a sign of her trying to distance herself from you.

 

I didn't think of this, we are very different people with different interests however I think the differences made interesting conversations. Another point I need to discuss with her.

 

Thank you for your reply.

[TMichaels]

Serious question. Are you looking for a mother or a girlfriend?

 

A 12-year age difference between you... No wonder you "have differences."

 

More importantly,m what is *she* doing cultivating a relationship with someone who's a bit more than half her age?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[CanIwalkwithyou]

Serious question. Are you looking for a mother or a girlfriend?

 

I wasn't looking for anyone but I found a girlfriend, I am not looking for a mother I already have one and am one myself.

 

 

A 12-year age difference between you... No wonder you "have differences."

 

but aren't differences a good thing? I mean it's not like we argue over them or say things like I'm right, you're wrong. Is age a factor in a relationship?

 

 

More importantly,m what is *she* doing cultivating a relationship with someone who's a bit more than half her age?

 

Fair and good comments thank you to answer your last question, neither of us were looking but I guess when you spend enough time with someone, feelings naturally develop.