OLD: how do i get them to respond?

[kodakgirl]

Long story short, even a coherent message will be lost in the avalanche of crap which women receive. Then when they do see a coherent messsage they're in shock as they don't think such guys genuinely exist, lol.

 

Even with outstanding pics and a more than adequate message, it's still out of your hands to get them to respond.

 

You seem like a nice, decent guy who is just frustrated with OLD, and I don't blame you for that, but honestly, this "women don't even know what to do with coherent messages" thing is a cop-out (not to mention insulting to the intelligence of women. Granted, I'm not one of the girls who gets 100 messages a day, but last month when I opened a new account I got over 50 in three days. And you know what? Probably less than 30% were crap messages that just said "hi" or were clearly copy-pasted. The rest mentioned something from my profile. The top 30% clearly had time and effort put into them. I always look at the profile of a man who sends me a message that shows he's looked at my profile. If he's sent me a really nice and thoughtful message I look much closer. I WANT my interest to be sparked. But often, no matter how decent the guy, it just isn't. I'm actually taking a break from OLD right now because I was feeling just overwhelmed with guilt at having to turn down genuine guys who'd made an effort but just didn't interest me.

 

So OP--yes, your message matters, and yes your profile matters (more). But ultimately the person is choosing whether or not to respond based on who they think you are and if they feel something 'click.' Often it just doesn't, and that isn't a reflection of you as a person. Plenty of men online would love to date me, but I also get plently of non-responses from men who don't. If you're going to do OLD you have to be okay with that and not take it personally, and especially not take it out on women.

[angel.eyes]

I prefer the first version. I wouldn't discuss being shy or awkward in your profile. I would just fix the typos. Work on getting more (and better) photos. That's the weak spot. Other than that, be patient and continue to send out emails. You should also make sure to meet women and ask IRL. Don't depend solely on OLD.

 

Kodakgirl is right. Once you have a good profile, adequate photos, and a well-written email, it comes down to interest and attraction. Sometimes it's there. Oftentimes, not.

[normal person]

If he's sent me a really nice and thoughtful message I look much closer. I WANT my interest to be sparked. But often, no matter how decent the guy, it just isn't. I'm actually taking a break from OLD right now because I was feeling just overwhelmed with guilt at having to turn down genuine guys who'd made an effort but just didn't interest me.

 

So OP--yes, your message matters, and yes your profile matters (more). But ultimately the person is choosing whether or not to respond based on who they think you are and if they feel something 'click.' Often it just doesn't, and that isn't a reflection of you as a person.

 

I like the bolded part. That's always something to keep in mind. Think about the percentage of women out there that you don't think you're compatible with; the ones you just don't "click" with for whatever reason, even if it can't be explained or rationalized. What is it, 95-99%? Now just assume that women are filtering out guys at the same rate. The crossover percentage of compatibility is going to be minimal, so you can't take offense when someone doesn't like you. You don't like most people, so just assume you fall into that statistically predictable category for her as well. It's nothing personal.

[Targetlock]

Of course i don't take offence to it, its just the way it works i guess and i would never take my problems out on other people, that is just selfish

And yes OLD is quite frustrating, I believe I'm a nice interesting caring guy who often feels he gets ignored and its trying to get them to look at my profile in the first place, so my pics must be the weak spot as i suspected, I always have worried my appearance Isn't good enough or something, but that is my dating life in general not just OLD.

So far I've been on OLD for nearly a year and a half, i must have contacted over 100 women, had conversations with about 10, had really good chats with about 5 of them only for them to disappear on me.

And no i don't consider this my only option just one of many options.

[irc333]

I respectfully disagree. It's largely within your control, the problem is that most guys don't do what's necessary to be appealing. If you insist on putting up a single picture and paragraph giving trivial details about about your life, the girl will basically just judge you on your looks, and why wouldn't she? You've made yourself completely indistinguishable from every other profile she reads.

."

 

Meh, I've done the multiple pictures, changed out photos, etc. Tweaked my profile write-up and even had friends read it over and got their criticisms, made some adjustments, then got their approval. Only to STILL rarely get responses.

 

For those responses I DO get, they were more very highly impressed with my initial email to them as opposed to the profile itself. Shows they are more open minded and intelligent.

 

Otherwise they are probably just browsing through height stats, occupations, and GQ good looks.

 

I recall when we could see POF's "Send" box...and see quite a few UNREAD deleted....if they didn't even bother to READ the email, chances are they barely looked at anything about the profile either. Just imagine someone skimming through a magazine at a dentist's office...that's pretty much how it goes.

 

If he's sent me a really nice and thoughtful message I look much closer. I WANT my interest to be sparked. But often, no matter how decent the guy, it just isn't. I'm actually taking a break from OLD right now because I was feeling just overwhelmed with guilt at having to turn down genuine guys who'd made an effort but just didn't interest me.

 

A "Spark" through online dating doesn't exist...a spark can only exist in person at least on first meet.

 

Also take this post I made early....there's women out there who admittedly stated that they wound up dating someone they met in REAL life they would NOT have dated otherwise! (Online dating)

Edited April 15, 2014 by irc333

[kodakgirl]

A "Spark" through online dating doesn't exist...a spark can only exist in person at least on first meet.

 

Also take this post I made early....there's women out there who admittedly stated that they wound up dating someone they met in REAL life they would NOT have dated otherwise! (Online dating)

 

Oh I agree "the spark" is something you only feel in person-- I suppose I could have thought through my wording better. Substitute it for "I want my interest piqued," if that's better. Sometimes, very rarely, I've found a profile that does stand out to me for no easily identifiable reason in a way that resembles a real-life spark (including, interestingly, the couple fellows I've met online and actually got involved with) but yeah, if you wait for THAT, you'll never get anywhere. But I want to read a profile and think things like awww, he sounds like a sweetheart, or ooo, he sounds really interesting. I don't want to just feel bored. This doesn't require a dazzling profile; I've felt very interested in men with quite standard profiles. I think perhaps the biggest thing is voice-- work on letting your authentic voice shine through. That's going to draw the people who will be interested in you, even if they don't know why.

 

And just like normal person says-- remember you simply aren't compatible with most people, even if you are both perfectly nice people who could get along perfectly well. I'm a 26 year old woman who literally turns heads in public, a super sweetheart who is pretty universally adored by the people I know, an extremely devoted partner with a commitment to personal growth, and a motivated, intelligent, and interesting individual who is pretty good at conversation. I'm good at choosing pictures that present me well without any manipulation and I've been writing seriously for fifteen years, so I'm pretty good with a profile. I get hundreds of views on my profile and dozens of high ratings a week. I actively write to men who catch my eye. A lot of them never respond. They probably don't think I suck or I'm ugly, but they've had a look and just felt we wouldn't click. And if they think so, they're probably right. The kinds of fellows I would date are the kinds who would look at my profile and want to write me back; I don't need the attention of the other ones. Write a profile that will interest the kind of person you want to date. It doesn't matter if no one else is interested-- you only need that person.

[Targetlock]

I usually find a spark sometimes that makes me want to message them in the first place! that special undefinable little something i don't just message everybody, just ones I really want to message, so yeah i understand what you mean. and yes i do only wnat that one right person in the end, I just got to use the right bait i guess!

Edited April 16, 2014 by Targetlock

[PegNosePete]

Hi, I'm Felix. I'm fun, friendly, easy-going and a bit of a Geek . I work as a care worker with the elderly, and I'm also a freelance sculptor, which I would love to do full time.

 

I would love to meet a kind-hearted woman with a big smile who treats life as an adventure and likes a bit of romance, such as bringing a girl nice flowers just because I can . I can be a bit shy and awkward until you get to know me but I'm worth the effort. I've just started learning to play the guitar and enjoy most kinds of music but especially rock and heavy metal, any favourites?. I'm also a big movie and cinema buff, reading good books, exploring interesting places (recently been to Italy and Amsterdam) and learning new things and discovering new places and people!

 

Experts claim that most successful relationships that start online are initiated by women. So if you'd like what you see and want to chat send me a message. I hope to hear from you soon, what are you waiting for?

Sorry to say, I think it sucks totally. Here's some opinions on what you wrote, not from any kind of authority, simply my own experience of what works and what doesn't. Hope you take it as constructive... although I'm afraid it's mostly negative!

 

Your first paragraph is pretty generic. Do you know how many guys on OLD claim to be fun, friendly and easy going? ALL OF THEM. You're not standing out form the crowd at all by saying this, in fact you're making yourself sound just like every other guy. That's not a good thing. Doesn't your site of choice have a box for profession and first name? Best to put them there, no need to repeat them in your text.

 

Your next paragraph starts off talking about who you'd like to meet, but then reverts to talking about yourself. Better to keep these separate. Have the first paragraph about YOU, and the second one about HER. The flowers, shy and awkward and worth the effort parts just sound desperate.

 

So then you talk about yourself a bit more, playing guitar and travelling which are both great things to talk about but you barely give them half a sentence each. Talk about what kind of thing you play on guitar, do you play with anyone else, etc? Where did you go to in Italy, what did you get up to... swimming, sailing, beach sitting, exploring, hiking? Come on man make it interesting. The sculpting sounds interesting too but you barely mention it.

 

The last paragraph just sounds desperate and begging. They already know what to do if they like the sound of you - no need to tell them.

[Targetlock]

Its interesting getting peoples opinions on this, some people say do one thing, while others that doesn't work. just needs a bit of tweaking i guess.

But the main problem is getting them to look at my profile in the first place i very rarely get messaged first so it must be my profile pictures that are the problem. strange game this OLD.

[thecrucible]

Its interesting getting peoples opinions on this, some people say do one thing, while others that doesn't work. just needs a bit of tweaking i guess.

But the main problem is getting them to look at my profile in the first place i very rarely get messaged first so it must be my profile pictures that are the problem. strange game this OLD.

 

Aw don't be so hard on yourself..

 

I mean I do message guys first but it is very rare because I am too busy replying to messages I get. I don't get a tonne but I'd still rather not spread myself thin. A lot of other girls may be the same.

 

P.S. sorry what I said about geeks before - that was really closed-minded of me.

 

I don't think it's your pictures. I sometimes block guys who have great pictures but either act like jerks, or don't have a lot in common with me. It isn't really about the pictures.

 

Have you tried the paid sites? Maybe they are better and more genuine. Some people can be jerks online.

 

I really hope you get some success soon. You really across like a great person on here.

[gaius]

I'm gonna be completly honest with no regard for your feelings so if you're easily offended skip over my post. Fair warning.

 

I'm hot in person but I don't have the most photogenic face. It's always been an issue for me getting what I see in the mirror onto film. Didn't have any problems getting attention in person but when I was younger I'd run into women online who were taken with my personality but would vanish when i sent them a picture. So I got a weight set and built my arms up a little and usually prominently display them in pictures now. It works! Amusing sending a picture of yourself to a girl who's ignored you without one and watch her suddenly get eager for your attention.

 

I saw your pictures before they got taken down and that would be something that can help you.

[PegNosePete]

Yes opinions are like... mouths... everyone's got one! You really need to look at who is giving you the advice. Someone who is successful with online dating and sharing their genuine experience of what works, someone inexperienced just giving guesswork/intuition or how they "think it should work", or someone who has tried it and failed and is bitter/jaded with the whole thing?

 

i very rarely get messaged first so it must be my profile pictures that are the problem.

No, it's your Y chromosome. YES you should ensure your pics are tip-top quality and that can get you some initial messages, but you just have to accept that on OLD, guys rarely get messaged first.

 

When your hairline is receding, go for the Vin Diesel haircut... trust me...

Edited April 17, 2014 by PegNosePete

[irc333]

There WAS a time where I would message only those that I think I would be compatible with based upon the description of themselves in their profile. Usually I find something unique about what they've written that isn't a canned, "Life's too short to sweat the small stuff" or "I'm just as comfortable in jeans as I am in a little black dress." cliche's.

 

But since I mostly don't even get responses from a lot of THOSE women, which is unfortunate, I don't eliminate the garden variety profiles either because I'd probably find out more about them in person than I would online.

 

 

I usually find a spark sometimes that makes me want to message them in the first place! that special undefinable little something i don't just message everybody, just ones I really want to message, so yeah i understand what you mean. and yes i do only wnat that one right person in the end, I just got to use the right bait i guess!

 

 

Someone who is successful with online dating and sharing their genuine experience of what works

 

Of course, you have to take what THOSE people say with a grain of salt, you can't entirely believe if they're being truthful about their success.

[irc333]

What makes you think these men who aren't having online success are not working out?

 

 

I'm gonna be completly honest with no regard for your feelings so if you're easily offended skip over my post. Fair warning.

 

I'm hot in person but I don't have the most photogenic face. It's always been an issue for me getting what I see in the mirror onto film. Didn't have any problems getting attention in person but when I was younger I'd run into women online who were taken with my personality but would vanish when i sent them a picture. So I got a weight set and built my arms up a little and usually prominently display them in pictures now. It works! Amusing sending a picture of yourself to a girl who's ignored you without one and watch her suddenly get eager for your attention.

 

I saw your pictures before they got taken down and that would be something that can help you.

Edited April 17, 2014 by irc333

[gaius]

What makes you think these men who aren't having online success are not working out?

I was speaking to target specifically, who had his old pics posted before they got taken down. And he's skinny as a rail.

 

Bring me someone who works out but has the same prob and I'll give them customized advice.

[Targetlock]

In Response, thanks for the further feedback:

 

TheCrucible: apology accepted its fine and thanks for the compliment and some of the paid sites are so expensive! it feels like I'm paying for an expensive lottery or something. I did try subscribing for a short while on two sites (POF and OKCupid if your curious) but got no further. maybe its the site?

 

Gaius: I've been rather skinny all my life (high metabolism), it is an issue that i'm a bit self-concious about hence why I don't like pictures of myself. I wish I had your level of confidence in my looks.

 

Pegnosepete: i don't think i will able to pull off the bald look, i don't like my hair too short because of my high fringe, plus i have a large funny shaped head lol, plus once you do it, you cant go back easily!

 

Yes I know it just sounds like a bunch of excuses but they are all things I need to work on I guess.

[Targetlock]

Hopefully going to try some singles nights as well and got a friend who is interested in trying it out as well, but annoyingly so far it seems to be a case of bad timing (missed one due to wrong night, friend forgot about another one, cant make latest one) which is awkward when he is my source of transport!! also i've been to one of these before and it was just very awkward indeed

 

Just have to keep trying with the OLD I guess until another opportunity arises!

[thecrucible]

In Response, thanks for the further feedback:

 

TheCrucible: apology accepted its fine and thanks for the compliment and some of the paid sites are so expensive! it feels like I'm paying for an expensive lottery or something. I did try subscribing for a short while on two sites (POF and OKCupid if your curious) but got no further. maybe its the site?

 

Yeah I know what you mean.

 

I get bored of one site, then I move to another one.

 

I'm on OKCupid. I also have an eHarmony account, which I hope to subscribe to. I'm going to use OKC for another month or two and see how I get on, then just delete it as I think it's better to be on one site at a time.

 

Some sites are more popular in terms of profile numbers for your area. For instance, POF has more locals than other free sites for here. But I don't use it any more because there were too many non-serious guys on there. I was on it when I wasn't really looking for love though so unfortunately I missed out on some good guys and went with one rubbish one . I know better now. If you know what you're looking for, there's a much better chance of you finding it.

 

See what happens. I think dating takes time. But the more experience you get, the more you learn and the more confidence you gain.

[Thegreatestthing]

It's true I rarely respond lately,except to maybe two guys,even if the guy seems pretty great ,I only respond to guys that have similar interests to me lately.

[guest572]

I guess my only advice is to comment on something that you have read in their profile or something you have in common, and maybe ask a question or two so that they can think of something to respond with. If they don't respond, don't take it to heart. There is no special trick or a certain phrase that will get a response, just show that you have a genuine interest and be yourself.

[Targetlock]

yeah well i trust got to keep on trying i guess and see what happens i suppose and maybe tweak my profile a little. i'll post what i come up with

[Targetlock]

yet another version, these are so tricky to write:

 

Hi, I'm Felix and I am a bit of a Geek . I work as a care worker with the elderly, and I'm also a freelance sculptor, which I would love to do full time.

 

I've just started learning to play the guitar and enjoy most kinds of music but especially rock and heavy metal, any favourites?. I'm also a big movie and cinema buff, reading good books, painting, drawing, art and history, exploring interesting places (recently been to Italy and Amsterdam) and learning new things and discovering new places and people!

 

I would love to meet a kind-hearted woman with a big smile who treats life as an adventure and likes a bit of romance, such as bringing a girl nice flowers just because I can .

 

So if you'd like what you see and want to chat send me a message. I hope to hear from you soon, what are you waiting for?

 

 

 

what do you reckon? any changes or suggestions?

 

alternative intro part:

 

Hi, I'm Felix I would say I'm a little unusual, quirky, fun, never normal and I am a bit of a Geek . I work as a care worker with the elderly, and I also do some freelance sculpting, which I would love to do full time.

 

a bit much, maybe?

Edited April 18, 2014 by Targetlock

[jonsnuh]

I've got a lot of people searching and looking at my profile, but no one messaging. It's definitely one-sided for guys to chase after girls.

 

That, and I haven't had the balls to message girls yet. I know nuthin'.

[jonsnuh]

There WAS a time where I would message only those that I think I would be compatible with based upon the description of themselves in their profile. Usually I find something unique about what they've written that isn't a canned, "Life's too short to sweat the small stuff" or "I'm just as comfortable in jeans as I am in a little black dress." cliche's.

 

But since I mostly don't even get responses from a lot of THOSE women, which is unfortunate, I don't eliminate the garden variety profiles either because I'd probably find out more about them in person than I would online.

 

Of course, you have to take what THOSE people say with a grain of salt, you can't entirely believe if they're being truthful about their success.

 

What do you typically say in your initial message? Saying "Hey gurl" won't cut it these days.

[irc333]

What do you typically say in your initial message? Saying "Hey gurl" won't cut it these days.

 

I say more than just "Hey gurl", even if I did, I'd be intelligent enough to spell such a gender in a proper fashion.