Why do you stay with a partner who physically abuses you?

[Babolat]

I had dinner with my female best friend Saturday night. She started telling me about a man she dated 10+ years ago, they dated for just under 2 years. The first year was great, he was controlling, jealous, but no abuse. The perfect boyfriend. Then the physical abuse started. Lots of slapping, punching, grabbing her arms to the point where they brusied, her screaming for help on the street. One time someone called the police, she got scared, they agreed on a shared story so he would not have to be arrested. This even happend in front of friends. I asked her why her friends did not step in, help. She said they were so over it by then, that they were a mess and everyone knew it.

 

I kept asking her why she stayed with him. She kept saying "Otherwise he was a great boyfriend. He brought my flowers every week, we went to a lot a black tie social events, he was good to me, intelligent, we had great talks, etc". I'd reply, "but he hit you, beat you up". She would get bloody lips, concussions, etc.

 

He had aspirations to be in public office and eventually broke up with her, telling her he could not let this ruin his reputation. Turns out he has put his current gf in the ER a few times throwing things at her.

 

I asked her if she was afraid, scared to leave him, she said No. I think in some cases that is the case. My ex gf was in an abusive relationship where her ex fiance said he would kill her, their baby and her family if she left him. He even put a gun in her mouth once.

 

I told her I think I attract whomen who have been in abusive relationships. She said no, a lot of women have been abused.

 

I know this is a sensitive topic, not expecting many replies. Simply curious, and I can't relate so I'm trying to understand.

 

 

Thanks

Edited April 14, 2014 by Babolat

[ThatMan]

There's a lot to be said. Each individual will have their own unique answers. Whatever lead them to this place is somewhat irrelevant because they all reached the same conclusion. The bottom line is they choose to accept this form of 'love' for themselves. Recovery begins with the simple choice to not accept abusive behaviors from anyone.

 

 

What your friend has shared with you is the same as all those little white lies abuse victims tell themselves to continue suffering through the relationship. Please tell me you did not accept her beliefs as your own. Caution is warranted if you truly believe that you attract those with abuse involved, especially if you subscribe to the beliefs of this friend. There are a lot of women who aren't abused because they understand they deserve proper respect just like everyone else. There's also a lot of women who refuse to be abused and walk away from violent relationships after learning how to maintain personal considerations. All relationships should entail mutual respect for each other and a spouse who was once abused should respect herself for the relationship to function.

Edited April 14, 2014 by ThatMan

[dragon_fly_7]

My guess is they were raised in a very dysfunctional family dynamics, in which roles are being confused. More than likely, they had a very abusive male figure and think that's how a man shows his masculinity.

 

Masculinity is confused as well too and in their minds if he shows aggression towards the gf, it means he is the man.

 

Personally, he would find himself with an assault charge if he did the minimum as spitting in my face. It's not normal to want to hit a gf during arguments nor to even be making threatening gestures. Generally most men are suppose to know their brute force already from an early age. Abusing someone because you can and want to be in control = coward.

[Babolat]

My guess is they were raised in a very dysfunctional family dynamics, in which roles are being confused. More than likely, they had a very abusive male figure and think that's how a man shows his masculinity.

 

Masculinity is confused as well too and in their minds if he shows aggression towards the gf, it means he is the man.

 

Personally, he would find himself with an assault charge if he did the minimum as spitting in my face. It's not normal to want to hit a gf during arguments nor to even be making threatening gestures. Generally most men are suppose to know their brute force already from an early age. Abusing someone because you can and want to be in control = coward.

 

Her father passed away when she was 4, her mom never dated or remarried. So she was raied by a single mom.

[Babolat]

There's a lot to be said. Each individual will have their own unique answers. Whatever lead them to this place is somewhat irrelevant because they all reached the same conclusion. The bottom line is they choose to accept this form of 'love' for themselves. Recovery begins with the simple choice to not accept abusive behaviors from anyone.

 

 

What your friend has shared with you is the same as all those little white lies abuse victims tell themselves to continue suffering through the relationship. Please tell me you did not accept her beliefs as your own. Caution is warranted if you truly believe that you attract those with abuse involved, especially if you subscribe to the beliefs of this friend. There are a lot of women who aren't abused because they understand they deserve proper respect just like everyone else. There's also a lot of women who refuse to be abused and walk away from violent relationships after learning how to maintain personal considerations. All relationships should entail mutual respect for each other and a spouse who was once abused should respect herself for the relationship to function.

 

No, I do not subscribe to her beliefs. It was difficult to listen to as I care about her a lot. I was just shocked how easily she said "otherwise he was a great guy". I don't think she once heard me say "but he beat you". She was mad he broke up with her for the reason he gave.

 

The woman I am getting to know now, her ex threw her across a room, broke her arm. She said to him "get out of my house, now, there will not be a 2nd time".

 

Of the 5 or so woman I have dated post divorce, 3 were physically abused in prior relationships.

 

My mom was physicaly abused by my step-dad. I never understood why she stayed and now, he has dementia, and he is her life. She spends all day with him at the senior living facilty. It makes me sooo mad. As an adult I chose to not spend much time with him and refuse to go visit him now.

[mammasita]

I believe that the only possible answer is that there's something broken in the person that stays. What else could it be??

[Babolat]

A form of control, maybe? My friend has dated a lot of men, my guess is over 50. She's now 46, single, never married, and I'm wondering "what is it" with her. She's an amazing woman, a great catch IMHO.

 

The man I mentioned my friend dated, she found out he was trying to cheat on her to. Rather than address it with him, she called the other woman.

[M30USA]

All abuse, whether physical or emtional, springs from the pathological need for control and power. Abusers escalate their abuse to whatever level is necessary to retain control. If a person is easily controlled, the abuse will be minimal; if they are a strong person the abuse will be equally strong. And it's ALWAYS justified in the abuser's mind. Always.

[GemmaUK]

I had dinner with my female best friend Saturday night. She started telling me about a man she dated 10+ years ago, they dated for just under 2 years. The first year was great, he was controlling, jealous, but no abuse. The perfect boyfriend.

 

This sounds like a really strange thing to say.

 

Controlling & jealous is abusive behaviour.

[carhill]

IME, with women who have stayed with abusive partners, without exception they also recounted abuse and/or molestation as children. Essentially, to them, it appeared that abuse was a form of love which they responded instinctively to, so much so that marked changes in their demeanor and behavior would be witnessed, by my observation almost a regression into a childlike response to the abuse, generally compliance.

 

I noted some of this in my own spouse, who had been abused, in that, even if I were to rant about a issue which had nothing to do with her, which I did occasionally while caregiving (dealing with the government!), she'd become obviously disconnected and unresponsive in any form, almost like curling up in a ball emotionally. Apparently, I was triggering something at the psychological level, and a tape from her past was playing. The only way to 'fix' this was to internalize my emotions and not express them in a negative way at all, which become debilitating over time. As it was though, had I been sufficiently attractive, my bet is she would have stayed. Strong attraction can overrule the 'tape' of abuse and that makes sense, since abused children bond to the predominant abusers in their lives, their parents.

 

In the OP's example, the boyfriend was socially popular, apparently well-liked and when he wasn't bloodying her face, I'll bet he was quite the charmer. Makes sense.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

In my experience, people stay in abusive relationships for one of three reasons:

 

1) Fear

2) "Love"

3) Entrapment.

 

 

Fear: Some people are afraid to leave an abusive partner because the partner has either threatened their lives or their own lives. A lot of abusers use threats of suicide or murder to keep a person around. IME more often than not males threaten homicide whereas females threaten suicide.

 

 

Love: This is simple enough. A lot of misguided souls out there believe they can love an abuser's abusive nature away. Others are so "in love" with their abusers that they convince themselves the abuse was either their own fault, or the result of their partner's merely troubled nature, which "love" will one day conquer.

 

Abuse victims have shown themselves time and again to be susceptible to selective memory and other things that enable them to sort of block out the bouts of abuse and focus on "the good times". Especially if the abuse occurs in the stereotypical "cycle of violence" There isn't much to say about this one. People who think they're in love are often driven to do irrational, often harmful things and staying with an abuser is one of them.

 

Entrapment: This sort of ties into fear but it's slightly different. Some abusers threaten trashing the reputation of the 'victim' - i.e., "I'll tell everyone you beat/raped me!" or "I'll tell everyone you cheated!" OR threatening to cut the partner off financially or restricting access to any children. If you're, say, a stay at home mom, the threat of being financially cut off is very real and very serious. If you're maybe a devoted father, the thought of losing custody of your children or never being able to see them again is, again, very real and very serious.

 

The victim may no longer even love their abuser, and readily accept the fact that their partner is beyond help, but they still can't (or feel they can't) leave. In such cases, staying in a bad situation can seem like the lesser of two evils.

[somedude81]

I'm amazed how many women stay in abusive relationships. It makes no sense to me at all.

 

There are several well known female members on this forum who are currently in emotionally abusive relationships but they won't do anything at all about it.

 

Though as I learn more about each situation, it seems that each woman has been damaged by her past and truly believes that this is what she deserves, or she may be completely blind to the abuse. Telling her she is being abused has no affect.

 

The only thing an outsider can do is hope that someday those women will have had enough, without something really bad happening to them.

[GemmaUK]

Perhaps as has been mentioned somewhet of a comfort blanket as it's 'known behaviour' as in the victim is used to it.

 

I wasn't ever abused as a child, maybe that's why I found my last ex's behaviour actually laughable initially when he was being jealous for imagined and silly reasons and attempting to control me.

 

He didn't get very far with me so I think he felt more frustrated and the attempted things to control came up very very frequently - every two or three days pretty much.

 

I couldn't fathom why he was being so silly over things. Some of the stuff he came out with was just ridiculous and from a man in his forties just ...well I didn't get it at all!

 

Having read up on the subject I am so much more awareof signs not to just be laughed off in future.

 

My ex does actually fit the category of two types and many of the signs of someone who could well become physically abusive.

 

I have a good few reasons to believe that he was controlling in several previous relationships, whether he was ever physically abusive I will never know.

[Babolat]

I grew up and saw my mom with many a black eye, bruised, battered, bleeding, and then 1-2 days later treating my step dad like he was the best man alive. I listened to their fights, could hear him hitting her, him yelling at her, her crying, sobbing and the next day things were back to normal.

 

I never understood it. As kids we sooo wanted her to leave him. Sometimes I think, she thought she deserved it.

 

40 years later he is now in a home with dementia. I refuse to visit him. I have not seen him in over 3 years. She is there every day, almost all day, by his side.

[snappytomcat]

I can only speak for what happened to me with a boyfriend before I met my husband,at first he was so kind,loving,a lot older than me so I was flattered that someone his age would be into me,and the first time he hit me,i was shocked,i have never been hit by a man before,of course he cried begged for my forgivness,and said he would never do it again.

well when it happened again,he would say the same thing,except now hes thrown my self esteem in the gutter,telling me no one else would want me besides him,no one would believe me if I told,or would say stuff like I will kill your pets,or harm your parents,by then I was like a zombie,he had taken any self esteem,or joy from me,i hated him but feared for my life,my families life,and he had me convinced no one would believe me,so he kept going in and out of jail,and still had control over me,and im not a weak person,i feared more for my family,as he was an active gang member.

well finally I told him do what you want to me,leave my family out of it,and im done with you,and iam going to the police,and I did rest is history

[Babolat]

I can only speak for what happened to me with a boyfriend before I met my husband,at first he was so kind,loving,a lot older than me so I was flattered that someone his age would be into me,and the first time he hit me,i was shocked,i have never been hit by a man before,of course he cried begged for my forgivness,and said he would never do it again.

well when it happened again,he would say the same thing,except now hes thrown my self esteem in the gutter,telling me no one else would want me besides him,no one would believe me if I told,or would say stuff like I will kill your pets,or harm your parents,by then I was like a zombie,he had taken any self esteem,or joy from me,i hated him but feared for my life,my families life,and he had me convinced no one would believe me,so he kept going in and out of jail,and still had control over me,and im not a weak person,i feared more for my family,as he was an active gang member.

well finally I told him do what you want to me,leave my family out of it,and im done with you,and iam going to the police,and I did rest is history

I am sorry to hear this. My ex gf told an almost identical story. He even put a gun into her mouth once, and threatened to kill her family. Somehow the police got involved and he was arrested, which finally gave her an out, that she took.

[snappytomcat]

I am sorry to hear this. My ex gf told an almost identical story. He even put a gun into her mouth once, and threatened to kill her family. Somehow the police got involved and he was arrested, which finally gave her an out, that she took.

thank you babolat,after being in such a controlling,and abusive relationship,where you feel like crap,you get to a point where you don't care what happens to you,as long as your family isn't hurt.

and the crazy thing is,these abusive men,truly are cowards they will hit,woman even children,but they don't make waves with other men,only ones they think are weaker than them

[Babolat]

thank you babolat,after being in such a controlling,and abusive relationship,where you feel like crap,you get to a point where you don't care what happens to you,as long as your family isn't hurt.

and the crazy thing is,these abusive men,truly are cowards they will hit,woman even children,but they don't make waves with other men,only ones they think are weaker than them

 

Best book I ever read on this subject is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. I think reading it may help you.

[snappytomcat]

thank you I will look into it

[KathyM]

My sister married a man (now divorced) who turned out to be an abuser. She would not have married him if he had shown himself to be an abuser before marriage. She was distraught over the breakup of her engagement with another man, and got into a relationship on the rebound with a man who was very controlling, but not abusive at that time. His controlling nature should have been a red flag for her about what was to come, but she didn't recognize it at that time. He was an attractive, confident , alpha male who came from a very respected, high achieving, upper class family. She was attracted to the positives, while still suffering from the hurt of the broken engagement, and so she didn't want to listen when her parents and sisters expressed concern about how controlling this guy was and how he had a dysfunctional relationship with his parents. He fast tracked the relationship (as many abusers do), and they were married within a year. Shortly thereafter, the abuse started (not to the degree you describe, but abuse nevertheless) and the controlling got worse, and she got pregnant right away (since he was anxious to tie her down and limit her options). She had no income of her own since she was a SAHM with a baby to care for. Shortly thereafter, she had a second baby, making it even more difficult to leave. My mother and I decided to take matters into our own hands to try to rescue her, so we reported the abuse, and Child Protection arranged for her to stay at a battered women's shelter with her children so that he could not find her. Spousal abuse, if done in front of the children, can be considered to be emotional abuse of the children, and cause the children to be removed from the home. Child Protection would not allow her to stay in the home with him and their children, so she moved with her children to a battered women's shelter. They divorced shortly thereafter. The actual physical abuse was relatively minor compared to what other women endure at the hands of abusive husbands, but it was physical abuse nonetheless, combined with emotional abuse, and a toxic environment for her and her children. A lot of women are not aware of a man's potential for abuse, and so they marry the guy without realizing what they are getting into. Some of the signs a man may become physically abusive in the future:

 

 

1. He tries to control what you do and where you go, no matter how benign those things and places are.

 

 

2. He insists on making all the decisions for the couple or doing things his way all the time.

3. He tries to close off your time spent with family and friends, or limits it, even though it is not excessive.

 

 

4. He showns signs of an anger management problem, or is easily angered.

 

 

There are other signs, but those are what come to mind offhand.

 

 

Women generally stay with an abuser because either they feel they have no other options (small children, no job, etc.), or they believe they deserve to be treated badly or that they did something wrong to bring on the abuse, or they believe they can change the guy, or they believe it won't happen again when he apologizes, promises it won't happen again, and goes into the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle.

[snappytomcat]

My sister married a man (now divorced) who turned out to be an abuser. She would not have married him if he had shown himself to be an abuser before marriage. She was distraught over the breakup of her engagement with another man, and got into a relationship on the rebound with a man who was very controlling, but not abusive at that time. His controlling nature should have been a red flag for her about what was to come, but she didn't recognize it at that time. He was an attractive, confident , alpha male who came from a very respected, high achieving, upper class family. She was attracted to the positives, while still suffering from the hurt of the broken engagement, and so she didn't want to listen when her parents and sisters expressed concern about how controlling this guy was and how he had a dysfunctional relationship with his parents. He fast tracked the relationship (as many abusers do), and they were married within a year. Shortly thereafter, the abuse started (not to the degree you describe, but abuse nevertheless) and the controlling got worse, and she got pregnant right away (since he was anxious to tie her down and limit her options). She had no income of her own since she was a SAHM with a baby to care for. Shortly thereafter, she had a second baby, making it even more difficult to leave. My mother and I decided to take matters into our own hands to try to rescue her, so we reported the abuse, and Child Protection arranged for her to stay at a battered women's shelter with her children so that he could not find her. Spousal abuse, if done in front of the children, can be considered to be emotional abuse of the children, and cause the children to be removed from the home. Child Protection would not allow her to stay in the home with him and their children, so she moved with her children to a battered women's shelter. They divorced shortly thereafter. The actual physical abuse was relatively minor compared to what other women endure at the hands of abusive husbands, but it was physical abuse nonetheless, combined with emotional abuse, and a toxic environment for her and her children. A lot of women are not aware of a man's potential for abuse, and so they marry the guy without realizing what they are getting into. Some of the signs a man may become physically abusive in the future:

 

 

1. He tries to control what you do and where you go, no matter how benign those things and places are.

 

 

2. He insists on making all the decisions for the couple or doing things his way all the time.

3. He tries to close off your time spent with family and friends, or limits it, even though it is not excessive.

 

 

4. He showns signs of an anger management problem, or is easily angered.

 

 

There are other signs, but those are what come to mind offhand.

 

 

Women generally stay with an abuser because either they feel they have no other options (small children, no job, etc.), or they believe they deserve to be treated badly or that they did something wrong to bring on the abuse, or they believe they can change the guy, or they believe it won't happen again when he apologizes, promises it won't happen again, and goes into the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle.

Kathy you are spot on that we we stay either because we have no options,and cause we deserved this some how

unfortunately I had a daughter with the ahole that abused me,dont get me wrong she truly has been a gift,and my husband adopted her when she was 2,cause he got life in prison.at least one less woman abuser walking around

[KathyM]

Kathy you are spot on that we we stay either because we have no options,and cause we deserved this some how

unfortunately I had a daughter with the ahole that abused me,dont get me wrong she truly has been a gift,and my husband adopted her when she was 2,cause he got life in prison.at least one less woman abuser walking around

Some women think they deserve to be abused, and some abusers are pretty adept at convincing their abuse victims that they deserved it. Of course, no one deserves to be abused, and should not tolerate being abused.

[Tayla]

Some women think they deserve to be abused, and some abusers are pretty adept at convincing their abuse victims that they deserved it. Of course, no one deserves to be abused, and should not tolerate being abused.

 

I agree, its been ingrained in them and the abuser as well. Mostly the community at large maintains the attitude of: Its okay to punish a child (not discipline mind you, punish). Its twice as likely young men are trained to "man up!", be tough, Be the dominant one. Don't cry, don't express.

 

Then we come here and question why one stays in it (be the good girl ) and why one is the abuser (be tough, be dominant). The answer is simple...its taught and encouraged.

The real issue should be, how to create a solution, effectively thru our collective efforts. I am not endorsing this behavior, gaining understanding is a step towards changing it or working towards a resolution.

[somedude81]

While reading this thread something just came to me.

 

If any women in this thread are being abused but believe they deserve it; do you believe that your future children deserve to be abused too?

 

Abuse of a wife or girlfriend often becomes abuse of the children as well.

 

My maternal grandfather was very abusive, physically and emotional to my grandmother. He was also very abusive to my mother as well when she was a child. That abuse really messed her up, and even now at 55 it still affects her.

 

So whenever your BF or husband hits you or calls you names, or tries to break you down, imagine him doing it to your child. Because there is a very good chance he will.

[bubbaganoosh]

I was told by a woman who was abused, beat up, and pretty much tortured by her husband and she told me when I asked the same questions that most of you are and that is why you stayed and she told me this.

 

She said that her husband verbally abused her to a point that she actually believed that she wasn't worth anything, that her dignity and self respect was ripped from her and he was the only man that would put up with her, then there were the beatings.

 

Finally her family found out and her brother who was known as "tree" because of his size wanted to deal with her husband and was told that he would make it worse. he didn't listen and went after the guy and kicked the living daylights out of her husband without anyone knowing including his sister. The husband finally peeled himself off the sidewalk and made his way home.

 

Guess who he blamed? She had no idea that her brother went after him but according to her husband he accused her of getting her brother to kick his ass and she said that night she got beat like no other night and wound up in intensive care. Finally she got the help she needed and lucky for her, her husband came down with cancer of the lungs and was dead six months later but by that time, she was living with her brother and sister in law.

 

She said that she believed that she was worthless and no other man would want her so she stayed. Thank God she got the help to make her somewhat of a whole person but still has issues but at least she has a light at the end of the tunnel.