Why do you stay with a partner who physically abuses you?

[Smilecharmer]

I grew up and saw my mom with many a black eye, bruised, battered, bleeding, and then 1-2 days later treating my step dad like he was the best man alive. I listened to their fights, could hear him hitting her, him yelling at her, her crying, sobbing and the next day things were back to normal.

 

I never understood it. As kids we sooo wanted her to leave him. Sometimes I think, she thought she deserved it.

 

40 years later he is now in a home with dementia. I refuse to visit him. I have not seen him in over 3 years. She is there every day, almost all day, by his side.

 

Oh, Babolat, that is so hard...I'm sorry you had to witness something so awful and confusing. Hugs.

[Smilecharmer]

This is a great thread. I have volunteered all my life for domestic abuse shelters and women's centers and they stay because they are usually broken when the men get them. Abusers prey on the weak and won't stop until their victims are either a shell of who she used to be or dead. The horror is that kids and pets get the abuse too and the abuser uses them to control the victim. Now we are seeing men finally come into our centers and they are weak and afraid due to physical violence and shame that this happened to them. We need to be more aware and break the chain of children thinking hitting and manipulating is the only way to get needs met. It is so sad.

[KathyM]

I agree, its been ingrained in them and the abuser as well. Mostly the community at large maintains the attitude of: Its okay to punish a child (not discipline mind you, punish). Its twice as likely young men are trained to "man up!", be tough, Be the dominant one. Don't cry, don't express.

 

Then we come here and question why one stays in it (be the good girl ) and why one is the abuser (be tough, be dominant). The answer is simple...its taught and encouraged.

The real issue should be, how to create a solution, effectively thru our collective efforts. I am not endorsing this behavior, gaining understanding is a step towards changing it or working towards a resolution.

The solution is educating women on the cycle of abuse and the warning signs that a guy may become an abuser, and what constitutes abuse. I do this with abuse victims so that they can hopfully recognize the pattern or the red flags in a man they are dating, and therefore make better choices in the future. It would be nice if the high schools would teach a class on relationship dynamics and spend some class time teaching teenagers about this stuff. The solution is also for the legal system to punish abusers so that they realize the abuse will not be tolerated by society. I think, in the U.S., we have come a long way in prosecuting offenders, but there are many other countries where partner abuse is tolerated by society, unfortunately.

[KathyM]

This is a great thread. I have volunteered all my life for domestic abuse shelters and women's centers and they stay because they are usually broken when the men get them. Abusers prey on the weak and won't stop until their victims are either a shell of who she used to be or dead. The horror is that kids and pets get the abuse too and the abuser uses them to control the victim. Now we are seeing men finally come into our centers and they are weak and afraid due to physical violence and shame that this happened to them. We need to be more aware and break the chain of children thinking hitting and manipulating is the only way to get needs met. It is so sad.

Good post. Oftentimes, it is the women who come from abusive homes themselves who end up with abusive husbands because they've learned from conditioning as a child that this (abuse) is the norm, and it is to be tolerated (unfortunately). Or they grow up with such low self esteem because of the abuse in the home, that they believe they deserve to be abused, and that is the message that is engrained into them from an early age. There are, however, women (such as my sister) who came from non-abusive homes, that find themselves in marriages with abusers because the man was not abusive earlier in the relationship when he was on his best behavior, but the abuse materialized after the marriage. There are usually warning signs, however, that a man could become abusive, such as I described in an earlier post.

[GemmaUK]

I was thinking about this thread today and about how it can be literally unfathomable to understand why someone would stay with someone who physically abused them.

Or abused them in any way..once it gets to a point where you really could label it as emotional/verbal/physical abuse.

 

The thing is that there is so much of a prequel to the resultant situation and it occurs in teeny tiny baby steps.

Baby steps that are way way way too insignificant seeming to add up to a whole potential picture of what the future might hold.

 

I am fully aware that one day in the future I will meet a guy and within a short period of time will dismiss him for a reason that if I posted it here or told friends about it they would think me to be over reacting.

 

The guy I dated (he who I mentioned earlier in this thread) showed a couple of first signs of potentially needy/clingy/jealous/controlling behaviour.

Both of which can be seen as harmless.

I met him one time and we texted and spoke on the phone for a week.

He let slip 'I love you' after just a week. I had only met him once and we had not even kissed, hugged or touched each other at all.

 

My folks were visiting the UK the following week and I had arranged with my boss to dip in and out of work at various times so I had enough opportunity to see them. I hadn't seen my brother in 9 years.

This guy had an issue with this as I said I would be busy with my folks and also doing hours at work but that it would be all over the place time wise so I was unlikely to text as much and would probably miss a call some days.

We were also LDR by the way.

 

He got most upset that I wasn't going to be around as much in the few days my family were here and that my routine as he knew it would be different.

I am now aware that this was partly due to him not being aware of my routine so he figured I could be 'up to anything' 'with any other man'.

The fact that I had told him that I had not dated, kissed, slept with any men in the 3 years prior to meeting him made no difference. It was the truth but suddenly I was able to be some loaded gun who was on the prowl or who could not say no to any man.

This did become clear later on - couple of months in when he got upset that we have a work event once a year where no partners are invited- he told me that he would turn up if I ever went (I had actually cancelled the upcoming one as I didn't want to go as work would be hectic for me and it's a whole weekend event so I made an excuse up to my company for a reason why I couldn't make it) to it.

His words were 'people always sleep with all of their colleagues at these things and I know this'. I said I had been to 3 of these events and never slept with anyone so I didn't know where he got the idea from that I might. He was adamant that I would. I dropped the damn subject.

 

Smilecharmer mentioned pets...

 

This is a wierd thing to mention..however in my whole 'remembering little things here and there' thing something struck me.

 

My now ex had previously had a dog, an Alsation who he trained from a pup.

He recalled a story which in hindsight almost makes me shudder!

He got up, put the dog's breakfast down and went off to work this one morning.

10 or so hours later he returned home to find that the dog was lying on the floor with his nose inches from the bowl, a sad look upon it's face and the food was untouched.

My ex figured the dog was ill but took the dog out for a walk and came home, put new food out and with the dog obediently sitting quietly in his dinner spot my ex left the food a few minutes (as was their normal routine) and the dog did not touch the food until my ex said 'Eat'. The dog wolfed the food down.

My ex realised he had been in such a hurry to leave in the morning that he had forgotten to go back and tell his dog to eat the food he had put out.

 

That was why he hadn't touched it....for hours!

 

My ex thought this story was amazing and that his dog was so well trained...my ex bragged about it massively.

 

In hindsight and once I remembered this story I realised the dog was terrified and had probably lost so much personality through fear.

 

One thing about me is I love animals for their cheekiness and naughtiness sometimes...it shows character and I love animals for that.

 

I didn't want to end up as fearful as that Alsation in my future.

 

None of the above warrants dumping someone though....or does it..?

 

I haven't dated since that guy.

I learned loads about his behaviour through research and as I said I now know behaviours to look out for and to trust my gut more.

At Easter 2014 I had a flashback of something I hadn't previously remembered: My guy raised a hand to me at Easter 2013 and I asked him if he was going to hit me. He said nothing but stood with his arm raised.

Since that flashback I know why I went and locked myself in the bathroom.

I knew I had done but had no idea why before.

[Phoe]

I've never continued with someone who physically abused me.

 

With an ex, I found out he was cheating, we fought, he left me. I drove to his house with his belongings, and in a fit of immaturity, started tossing it all out of my car onto his front lawn.

 

 

Well he didn't like that much, came at me, backhanded me, grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me violently, and threw me against my car.

 

 

I immediately got in my car, drove away, and never saw him again.

 

 

 

 

He was dead to me. I had no desire to ever interact with him again. Maybe about 3 years later he texted asking me to meet up for coffee. LOL. I refused.

[snappytomcat]

This is a great thread. I have volunteered all my life for domestic abuse shelters and women's centers and they stay because they are usually broken when the men get them. Abusers prey on the weak and won't stop until their victims are either a shell of who she used to be or dead. The horror is that kids and pets get the abuse too and the abuser uses them to control the victim. Now we are seeing men finally come into our centers and they are weak and afraid due to physical violence and shame that this happened to them. We need to be more aware and break the chain of children thinking hitting and manipulating is the only way to get needs met. It is so sad.

smilecharmer,the pets thing is so true,i had no kids when I was with this abuser,although he did father my daughter a few years later,i was only 16 when I met him he was 28.

I love all animals,i cant even kill a sider,i had a little Pomeranian and I loved this lil dog,well one day abuser came to my house uninvited,but lets himself in like he owned the damn place,and I didn't want him there,so I told him so,but what this ahole did to get back to me,is he smacked,and kicked a tiny dog,i tried to stop him,but he threw me against a wall.

well my dog was in shock,and I thought he was going to die,i just curled up with him on the floor,and bawled my eyes out,it was horrible,i could handle him abusing me,but not anything I loved.

well the dog survived,but I ended up giving the dog to my dad,cause I couldn't get rid of this ahole,and he had me convinced of that too.

so I just told my dad,i didn't have time for my dog.

it really makes me mad to think back,that I allowed him to do that to me

[blueskyday]

Contrary to popular belief, the women who stay don't like abuse. They simply think it can get better because the abuser can be a very nice guy at times. The abused woman truly believes that the last abusive episode is the end of it.

 

It is beyond wishful thinking, it is delusion. Of course, the abuser isn't a nice guy and he does it again. The woman is so low emotionally and can't think straight. Everything is upside down.

 

The problem is that it isn't a mutual relationship. It is a one up, one down relationship. He wins. You lose. He doesn't care about your feelings or what your needs are. But he pretends quite well that he does.

 

The only way out is to grieve the man you knew him to be at the beginning. He was sweet, attentive, kind. Now he's a jerk. He's not turning back into that other guy. The hope that he will keeps a woman there.

 

I've said it often: women can't help being fooled for a while by an abuser. We will inevitably enter into relationships with them. It's important to leave when they begin to show their abusive sides. That's the key. Leave when they disregard your feelings, grab your arms, control your life.

 

I once heard a psychologist say that the key to deciding whether someone is abusive or not is to appeal to their heart. Somebody who is temporarily self-centered will eventually come around and be compassionate. And abuser will not care. In fact appealing to his heart will just make him treat you more like a doormat.

 

What makes a normal person compassionate, makes the abuser mad. Let this be your signal to get out.

 

Make no mistake about it. No woman wants to be abused. We all want to be loved and respected. Remember, a woman's thinking can become quite twisted when her self-esteem is in the basement.

 

It can make her stay somewhere where it is impossible to get the love she is desperately trying to get from the abuser. He is simply incapable of it. And she is now incapable of seeing that.

[amaysngrace]

Abuse crushes your self-esteem even worse than it already was when you attracted an abuser in the first place.

 

Luckily I had children that I was able to think of because leaving for me would not have done it. I wasn't accustomed to demanding that I'd be treated properly but I believed those children deserved to be.

 

I gave them life and they saved mine. That's the power of love.