Boyfriend never seems interested in what I say?

[Sweeetie]

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. He is great, really caring and loving and always puts me first- he is the first boyfriend I've had who treats me like a princess. I'm 24 and he's 23.

 

However there is a problem with our relationship and that is communication. I feel that he is never interested when I speak about myself. He used to never ask me anything about my life in the first couple of months and then when I talked to him about this he started doing it. However, if I'm saying something about myself, he spends that time thinking of what he is going to say next, which is often something unrelated to what I said and which brings the conversation back to his own thoughts and experiences.

 

He sometimes also interrupts me, to add things on to what he just said. eg I would listen to him talk about something and when he is clearly finished I would start saying something related to what he just said, my thoughts on it and then he interrupts with "Oh and also this happened" or something along those lines.

 

I have tried to talk to him about it and he says he is interested in what I say but that he doesn't know how to show it. He has been honest with me and says that communication isn't really his thing (he said this 2 months after we started the relationship when I first spoke to him about it).

 

As I said he is the best boyfriend I have ever had, but this difficulty in conversation makes me feel emotionally disconnected from him and it is making me get tired of the relationship. How do I solve it?

 

Thanks

[ktya]

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. He is great, really caring and loving and always puts me first- he is the first boyfriend I've had who treats me like a princess. I'm 24 and he's 23.

 

However there is a problem with our relationship and that is communication. I feel that he is never interested when I speak about myself. He used to never ask me anything about my life in the first couple of months and then when I talked to him about this he started doing it. However, if I'm saying something about myself, he spends that time thinking of what he is going to say next, which is often something unrelated to what I said and which brings the conversation back to his own thoughts and experiences.

 

He sometimes also interrupts me, to add things on to what he just said. eg I would listen to him talk about something and when he is clearly finished I would start saying something related to what he just said, my thoughts on it and then he interrupts with "Oh and also this happened" or something along those lines.

 

I have tried to talk to him about it and he says he is interested in what I say but that he doesn't know how to show it. He has been honest with me and says that communication isn't really his thing (he said this 2 months after we started the relationship when I first spoke to him about it).

 

As I said he is the best boyfriend I have ever had, but this difficulty in conversation makes me feel emotionally disconnected from him and it is making me get tired of the relationship. How do I solve it?

 

Thanks

 

I had this problem largely with my most recent ex. Probably a totally different situation than you because we are in our 30s and she was a stay at home mom but she had the same gripes.

 

From my perspective, I talk to a lot of people at work and when I came home, she being a stay at home mom, was desperate for some adult conversation. Truthfully I just didnt want to talk to anyone. Also the topics she would bring up I had absolutely no interest in whatsoever. I tried to humor her but shifting gears from talking about investment portfolio management services all day to talking about girl guides, kids and doll clothes and fabrics and arts and crafts was at times too much to handle.

 

You mention several times that when you talk about yourself he doesnt seem to show any interest. Perhaps its the topics that you are bringing up? You also mention what a great boyfriend he is to you and how well he treats you. Its quite plausible that he either (a) has little interest in the topics you are bringing up, or (b) just isnt that great of a conversationalist, or © that you are talking to him like a girlfriend rather than as your boyfriend.

 

I know with my ex I at times secretly wanted to pull my hair out - I really wished she had some chick to call to discuss that random crap. Her sister was too busy and she had very few friends. You might try to look at your topics objectively to see if (a) or © is the root cause of your problem. If it's (b) you arent going to solve it, but you can just accept him for who he is and appreciate how well he treats you.

[greyskys62]

From my own experience with this issue, I see it as a mark of immaturity. Guys tend to mature in this way slower than girls. When I was 25, I dated a guy who was 22, and I had the same issue with him. He never asked me any questions about my day or my life, and whenever I initiated telling him something about myself, he wouldn't know how to respond. I knew something was really off when I told him I had to go to a wake and he just said "okay" without feeling the need to ask who died.

 

I'm sure you've heard before that communication is the key to a successful relationship, and that's not a lie. It really is everything. Your boyfriend might treat you like a princess in every other way, but sometimes you just need a shoulder and an ear. If you can't have those things, the other cute stuff starts to lose its sparkle.

[d0nnivain]

On some levels it may depend on what you are talking about. You can't chat with your BF the way you would connect with a GF. They just aren't interested in the same topics.

 

 

If you offer insight into something that is important to him, does he pay attention?

 

 

He could just be a bad listener. One of the hallmarks of a bad listener is somebody who is thinking of what they are going to say next rather than focusing on what the other person is discussing.

[darkmoon]

sometimes people get the gist before the whole story is narrated, or they know what the other will say through knowing you well, your communication is bad, if you say so, but do not make it worse by blaming him

[ktya]

An extension of my note...

 

Guys dont mind hearing about a woman's problems, they will try to fix them. If the woman is talking about problems that cannot be fixed or that she does not want fixed then they get bored pretty fast.

 

Women want a guy to listen to their problems. They dont really want a way to fix the problem they just want someone to tell about it to share in their emotions about the problem.

 

Put those two together and it really makes the case that every girlfriend/wife needs to have a go-to girlfriend to call.

[greyskys62]

I disagree that you should only talk to your boyfriend about stuff that will interest him, too. Obviously you shouldn't talk to him 24/7 about topics like your period or The Bachelor, but the idea that you CAN'T talk to him about those things freely is also a little absurd. If he cares about you, he should take interest (to a certain extent) in things that interest you because he cares about you. And you should do the same for him.

[Cunning_Linguist]

A lot of people have this problem. They don't know how to actively listen. They are too self-absorbed or not socially intuitive enough to relax and listen to someone...truly listen, not just hear the sounds they make. It's human nature. They don't realize that sometimes a conversation doesn't always involve two people filling the space with noise, but one person expressing themself and the other listening.

 

I can only see this being more of a problem as time goes on. I'd reinforce your feelings on the subject with him. It's not him being a jerk, it's just how he communicates. He tries to relate by communicating his experiences and perspectives, but doesn't realize that sometimes it's not about his perspective, but letting you express yourself.

 

I don't know how you can make him see that without his pride being wounded. He needs to find it out on his own, and often in these cases pain is the only thing that can catalyze a change. If it's not a deal breaker, I would just relax and let him ramble on and then set an example of how to communicate in different ways.

[Gaeta]

How is his eye contact when you tell him a story?

 

When he cuts you off just say 'honey I am not done, let me finish'. Do it each and every time and he will start paying attention and let you finish when you speak.

 

I am almost certain he carries this from his childhood. Does he only do it with you?

[passion_flower]

I kind of have this problem although I do think he listens most of the time, not all as I can tell when his eyes start to glaze over but I often think my boyfriend doesn't ask me enough questions.

 

For example my first day at a new job, he didn't even ask me how it went yet he will go on and on about his job interviews.

[Keenly]

My first girlfriend loved to babble on and on and on and on about things I had absolutely no interest in.

 

 

There is something to be said about remembering that your boyfriend is not your girl friend, and certain conversations should best be reserved for talking to other girls.

 

 

If you want to drone on about how you think that girl at work is cheating on her boyfriend, or about how that old lady at the gym shouldn't be wearing those clothes, your boyfriend is not the person to discuss these with, as its going to bore us to death.

 

 

However, if your actually having conversations about things he should genuinely be expressing interest in, like things that you like or moments that you want to share with him, then I can see why it would be bothering you .

 

 

I just remember many a time being trapped in a car while having listen to an hour and a half of her talk about tyra banks or the good wife or some other thing that I had no interest in, and she knew I had no interest in, yet shed carry on with it anyway

[Candy_Pants]

Ask him to repeat what you've said in his own words. But reserve this for important conversations, not everyday junk.

 

How much do you/do you want to talk about yourself?

 

IME men who never asked about me, or weren't paying attention to me when I spoke, simply didn't care. He might "treat you like a princess" but that could just be his "baseline".

[Babolat]

I was reading Mars and Venus on a Date just last night, and John Gray says that women need to know that if they want to talk about themselves they should just blurt it out. If he tries to steer the conversation away, just keep on going.

 

Though I do agree with the other posters about the topics you may be discussing. Save the gripes and girlie stuff for your girlfriends, and talk to your boyfriend about things you are both interested in.

 

 

Men are typically quick and to the point while woman like to tell a story, gives lots of background "data", history, and get side tracked. The girl I am getting to know now does this. She will start with a story about "A", give me all kinds of history, get side tracked, and then 10 minutes later we are back on the story about "A". She will catch herself sometimes, which I think is cute.

 

 

I can do this too, as a man, by the way.

[Adele0908]

He is your boyfriend, not one of your girlfriends. Your females friends will have those type of conversations with you, because women thrive on communication and connection. But he is not a girl. So I think first you should just accept that you are two different species, and he is never going to morph into Oprah.

 

Anyway you cannot change a person with criticism. You can't really change other people, you can really only inspire them. So most people feel inspired with positive reinforcement.

 

So what you could do is say, "I really appreciate when you listen to me, thanks baby"

 

And continue saying things along those lines. He will feel like, "Oh, she likes when I listen, it makes her happy" and he might keep up communication better.

[spiderowl]

I went out with someone like that for a very short while. Total gentleman, lovely to me, but barely listened to what I said. If I wanted anything he'd get it, but if I tried to talk to him about anything, he'd look distracted and that was about as good as it got. I knew it would never work. It would have driven me mad for more than the short time we were together. Connecting on an emotional and intellectual level is vital to me.

[Sweeetie]

If you offer insight into something that is important to him, does he pay attention?

 

 

He could just be a bad listener. One of the hallmarks of a bad listener is somebody who is thinking of what they are going to say next rather than focusing on what the other person is discussing.

 

Yes, it seems he is a bad listener. Even if I'm talking about something of interest to him, eg adding my opinion after something he talked about that's of high interest to him, he doesn't listen and instead interrupts me with further things / thinks of what he's going to say next while I'm speaking.

 

 

Put those two together and it really makes the case that every girlfriend/wife needs to have a go-to girlfriend to call.

 

Unfortunately I'm at a stage of my life where I don't have a 'go-to' girlfriend to talk to; after university me and my friends all got dispersed and they're all leading their own separate lives. My friendship circle at the moment consists of his friends (mostly male) and two old but not so close friends of mine from uni.

 

I disagree that you should only talk to your boyfriend about stuff that will interest him, too. Obviously you shouldn't talk to him 24/7 about topics like your period or The Bachelor, but the idea that you CAN'T talk to him about those things freely is also a little absurd. If he cares about you, he should take interest (to a certain extent) in things that interest you because he cares about you. And you should do the same for him.

 

Oh yes I know he would get bored with girly stuff so I don't talk about that kind of thing; just everyday things that guys would normally listen to but he still doesn't listen. He does care for me a lot, he just doesn't value conversation that much and doesn't have communication/listening skills. Also after 7 months it's hard to only talk about things which interest him and not me.

 

How is his eye contact when you tell him a story?

 

When he cuts you off just say 'honey I am not done, let me finish'. Do it each and every time and he will start paying attention and let you finish when you speak.

 

I am almost certain he carries this from his childhood. Does he only do it with you?

 

You're right I should try the 'I'm not finished yet' thing. He just speaks over me when he interrupts so I hope he'll hear it! As for eye contact, his eyes don't really connect with mine in a way that suggests he's engaged when I'm talking about something, in the same way that my ex' (who was a great communicator and who I connected more emotionally with) did, or other friends.

 

 

 

If you want to drone on about how you think that girl at work is cheating on her boyfriend, or about how that old lady at the gym shouldn't be wearing those clothes, your boyfriend is not the person to discuss these with, as its going to bore us to death.

 

 

However, if your actually having conversations about things he should genuinely be expressing interest in, like things that you like or moments that you want to share with him, then I can see why it would be bothering you .

 

 

I just remember many a time being trapped in a car while having listen to an hour and a half of her talk about tyra banks or the good wife or some other thing that I had no interest in, and she knew I had no interest in, yet shed carry on with it anyway

 

I'm not the kind of person to gossip about other people like that, so he never has to hear that kind of thing from me. I'm talking about just normal, everyday stuff which would normally interest a person but he's just too self-absorbed to listen. I'm not saying he is selfish though, because he is the last person one can call selfish wrt other things.

 

Ask him to repeat what you've said in his own words. But reserve this for important conversations, not everyday junk.

 

How much do you/do you want to talk about yourself?

 

IME men who never asked about me, or weren't paying attention to me when I spoke, simply didn't care. He might "treat you like a princess" but that could just be his "baseline".

 

Yea that'll work a treat if I ask him to repeat important things Thanks for the great idea! In these 7 months I haven't really had much of a chance to talk about myself with him so I guess I don't talk about myself that much with him.

Edited April 14, 2014 by Sweeetie

[Sweeetie]

I went out with someone like that for a very short while. Total gentleman, lovely to me, but barely listened to what I said. If I wanted anything he'd get it, but if I tried to talk to him about anything, he'd look distracted and that was about as good as it got. I knew it would never work. It would have driven me mad for more than the short time we were together. Connecting on an emotional and intellectual level is vital to me.

 

This sounds exactly like my case. I just firmly believe that nobody else will treat me so well or care for me so much as him, so I don't want to let him go. I have been with other guys who I thought were perfect and he has shown me how wrong I was. We just have a problem with communication and I need to find a way to solve it

[Treasa]

Another tactic you can try, particularly if you have a lot of self-confidence, is going completely silent if he interrupts you or doesn't really respond.

 

SOME men respond to silence, not words. Go quiet and chances are he'll start asking you if things are ok. LOL

 

However, you can also just politely tell him not to interrupt you every time he does it.

[Keenly]

This sounds exactly like my case. I just firmly believe that nobody else will treat me so well or care for me so much as him, so I don't want to let him go. I have been with other guys who I thought were perfect and he has shown me how wrong I was. We just have a problem with communication and I need to find a way to solve it

 

Absolutely 100% not true.

Careful... that's the mentality that allows for an abusive or unhealthy relationship.

 

Not saying yours is either, but be careful thinking there is only one " the one " . There are many .

[veggirl]

Ask him why he doesn't listen. Ask him if he is bored, if the topic doesn't interest him or if he just doesn't care. He'll probably pretend he has no idea what you are refering to, so ask him WHEN he does it. We can speculate til the cows come home, you can find out directly from him

 

I've never been in this situation, if my bf's weren't interested in what I was saying maybe I didn't notice What kinda stuff is it he doesn't listen to? I mean that could probably answer your question partially.... like the poster who said her bf didn't even ask about her first day at work, sheeeesh...that guy prob just doesn't gaf, hopefully your situation isn't THAT bad...

 

I would shy away from excusing bad behavior cause "well, that's how guys are".

 

eta: I see you said it's just normal every day stuff he ignores. Well, that's a big problem. Is he like that with everyone? When he gets together with friends do his eyes glaze over when they talk about their lives? I couldn't be with someone SO self absorbed that they won't even listen to how my day was, or care how it was!

 

Does he agree you guys have a problem communicating? You can't solve it on your own.

Edited April 15, 2014 by veggirl

[Leigh 87]

Past thread alert. ..........

[Leigh 87]

When they first got together, he wasn't exactly sharing the good news with his friends.

 

I try to give people an overall summary of how I feel their relationship looks (to me, my opinion isn't always valid ffor everyone).

 

He also told her that she only looked beautiful when she wears make up.

 

The OP also feels jealous about the way her bf's best friend states adoringly at HIS pretty gf where as the OPS bf acts totally indifferent to her.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't like the sound of her relationship overall.

[veggirl]

When they first got together, he wasn't exactly sharing the good news with his friends.

 

I try to give people an overall summary of how I feel their relationship looks (to me, my opinion isn't always valid ffor everyone).

 

He also told her that she only looked beautiful when she wears make up.

 

The OP also feels jealous about the way her bf's best friend states adoringly at HIS pretty gf where as the OPS bf acts totally indifferent to her.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't like the sound of her relationship overall.

 

I agree. It seems the OP has felt insecure and 2nd best throughout most of her relationship.

[Under The Radar]

My first girlfriend loved to babble on and on and on and on about things I had absolutely no interest in.

 

 

There is something to be said about remembering that your boyfriend is not your girl friend, and certain conversations should best be reserved for talking to other girls.

 

 

If you want to drone on about how you think that girl at work is cheating on her boyfriend, or about how that old lady at the gym shouldn't be wearing those clothes, your boyfriend is not the person to discuss these with, as its going to bore us to death.

 

 

However, if your actually having conversations about things he should genuinely be expressing interest in, like things that you like or moments that you want to share with him, then I can see why it would be bothering you .

 

 

I just remember many a time being trapped in a car while having listen to an hour and a half of her talk about tyra banks or the good wife or some other thing that I had no interest in, and she knew I had no interest in, yet shed carry on with it anyway

 

 

 

This post gave me detailed flashbacks ......

 

 

But, she was 33 years old - LOL.

[Sweeetie]

Another tactic you can try, particularly if you have a lot of self-confidence, is going completely silent if he interrupts you or doesn't really respond.

 

SOME men respond to silence, not words. Go quiet and chances are he'll start asking you if things are ok. LOL

 

Thanks for this idea. I tried this the last time, but after a few minutes I started talking again coz he was talking about something really interesting, lol. I shall try more of it. I think that overall though, this communication has made me quieten down these last few months without realising it. Just the other week he said to me he felt I have become a bit distant from him the past couple of months and he even asked me if there was someone else (!), I corrected him and told him it's the communication. It seems like he is noticing action but that it is taking time for him to respond to it.

 

I see you said it's just normal every day stuff he ignores. Well, that's a big problem. Is he like that with everyone? When he gets together with friends do his eyes glaze over when they talk about their lives? I couldn't be with someone SO self absorbed that they won't even listen to how my day was, or care how it was!

 

Does he agree you guys have a problem communicating? You can't solve it on your own.

 

He has got better at asking about my day since I pointed out to him how he never does this (2 months into our relationship); if I had a job interview or something he always wishes me luck before it by text and then asks me how to goes. If something didn't go well he calls me up to make me feel better. He is great in those respects. It's just the everyday stuff that he doesn't seem that interested in.

 

With his friends I haven't really observed him having 'deep' conversation- perhaps it's because they're all from Eastern Europe so speaks the local language with them which I can't understand But the few times that I have seen him have English conversations with people it's never on deep territory, just casual stuff. I'm quite a deep person and he's not, it's an incompatibly between us that I'm trying to get around.