Meeting my ex for dinner tonight...thoughts appreciated!

[lovestinksyeahyeah]

He broke up with me over 4 months ago. We've seen each other maybe 3 times since then. We don't talk often but will send each other articles or we will text about similar interests here and there every few weeks. I have been dating a lot and last week my ex saw me on a date. We texted a little the next day after he saw me and he asked me out for dinner tonight. He said it was the earliest he could make plans with me. Then last night he texted and said he was available yesterday evening as well if it would work for me but I already had plans and told him it's best to stick with tonight.

 

I'm still holding a torch for him, unsure of his feelings. I am hoping this can be a start to a discussion...I'm not expecting to get back together but I'd like to open communication to think about it. Would he ask me out if he just really wanted to be just friends 4 months post breakup? I feel lile I'm getting mixed signals...what should I do? I feel like this is our only chance because I am going to be completely done with it after this meeting....help? Can I make this go well?

[zen2475]

I think you would be selling yourself short if you toss out a chance for reconciliation if it does not go well tonight. I think the best approach tonight is to be light and breezy, and don't even bring up anything in the past at this point.

 

Further, keep it to dinner and that's it.

 

Just be patient and keep it light. In time, he will make his intentions known, one way or the other. Just don't force it. You wouldn't want him to force or rush you into anything, would you?

[samg313]

It’s possible that on this first date – even though you don’t bring up any relationship problems – your ex will start wanting to discuss the breakup. If this happens, just let your ex say whatever it is they need to say.

 

Don’t get defensive or engage them in conversation. Just accept what they have to say to you. If you try to change their mind or defend yourself, you’re likely to make the date a miserable experience. You don’t want to do that.

 

Your best option is to simply say “I don’t want to talk about the past…it’s the past…let’s just have some fun.” And change the subject to something fun.

 

This works. It works a majority of the time. If they continue to press you, they are really just looking for validation of their feelings. And you can easily say…..

 

“I know you may have feelings that are unresolved. I know that. I am not saying we can never discuss them…I am just saying let’s just not do it today.” (you say this with a very compassionate and caring tone.)

[samg313]

Okay. You feel like you’re ready. So now it’s time to make a plan to get this person back into your life – and hopefully back into your arms. You’ll need to start with a simple phone call. But the object of the call is really to get his person back into your physical presence only. A short and fun “get together” NOT a date or “I want to talk to you”.

 

Your real objective is just to be seen by him/her, have some fun and to try and ignite a little spark again. If you have done the work on yourself we have discussed, when you meet a “pattern break” usually occurs. You can usually tell because they will act very friendly and different than they had in the past. You seem “new”, exciting, attractive and most importantly they don’t automatically associate the “bad feelings” to your appearance.

 

While you’re going to start with a phone call, it’s not just any old phone call. You need to choose how you’re going to approach your ex with thought. Here are some guidelines:

 

Try to pick a time to call your ex when you predict he or she will have a few moments to talk privately

Focus on fun – don’t bring up ugly memories from the past

Prepare to talk about something good in your relationship – a funny or sweet experience

Keep it pretty short

Ask your ex to meet you for a specific activity – lunch, coffee, etc (make it a short occasion.) Lunch is way better than dinner. Your ex may fear that you want to have some long grueling conversation or confrontation. You can put them at ease by implying that you only have a half hour or so.

Dial down any desperate feelings

 

While you’re talking to your ex, you need to make sure and keep things pretty light. Talk to him or her for a few minutes and as soon as you feel like you’ve got your old comfortable rapport going, break out your invitation.

 

You don’t need to beat around the bush – just ask! Be specific about a date, time, and activity or location. You should try to call about a week before you actually want to see him or her. This will give you some time to do a little more prep work before the get together.

 

*During the Date

When you’re actually on the date, it’s critical that you avoid some of the common pitfalls that may make your date miserable instead of bringing you closer together.

 

Avoid Upset – There may be several things you might consider doing once you finally have your ex in your presence. Most of these things should be avoided. Here is an example of some bad strategies that may run through your head:

Spending more than the allotted 1/2 hour or 1 hour window of time with your ex

Trying to figure out what went wrong with your relationship while you’re talking to him or her

Focusing on ow hurt and sad you are

Acting downtrodden and desperate

Trying to seduce your ex

Attempting to make them jealous

 

All of these things will only make your problems worse. You must not give in to your desire to do any of these things. The more you try to force things or bring up bad feelings, the less likely you’ll be able to have the reconciliation that you want.

 

Keep Things Light

While you’re with your ex, try to just relax and have a good time. You’re not going to spend much time together on this first date – and you want to leave your ex wanting more.

 

Try to choose an activity that’s something you both enjoy doing. Also try to avoid talking about your relationship very much. Just have fun talking and doing the things that helped you to fall in love in the first place.

 

If you do not talk about anything in your history, make sure it’s something that is a good memory – not a fight or anything having to do with the breakup. If an hour foes by and you wish you could spend more time together, forget about it.

 

It may help to schedule something after the date so that you absolutely must leave before you have too much time together. You want to leave things so that you both want to spend more time together at another time.

[TaraMaiden]

 

I'm still holding a torch for him, unsure of his feelings. I am hoping this can be a start to a discussion...I'm not expecting to get back together but I'd like to open communication to think about it.

 

Would he ask me out if he just really wanted to be just friends 4 months post breakup?

Oh yes, absolutely, most definitely. It's all part of his plan....

 

I feel like I'm getting mixed signals...what should I do? I feel like this is our only chance because I am going to be completely done with it after this meeting....help?

 

It's 'breadcrumbs'.

It's a salving of his conscience.

it's relegating you to the friend-zone.

it's seeing whether he still has some hold on your emotions, even though he's seen you out with other guys.

And let's be honest here.

Your dating other guys has been an attempt on your part to 'get over' your ex.

Tell me, honestly: have you been 'comparing'?

Has any date so far rocked your world, floated your boat and cleared your mind of your ex?

(If you're still 'holding a torch for him' I would say this is a 'no'....)

 

Can I make this go well?

It depends what you mean by 'well'.

If you mean, 'can I get him to pay for dinner, even if I go for the most expensive items on the menu?' the answer is probably, yes.

 

If you mean, "Can I re-kindle what we had, make him want me again, and ensure we're back on track?"

 

The reply will be an emphatic "you have to be kidding me!"

[zen2475]

It's 'breadcrumbs'.

It's a salving of his conscience.

it's relegating you to the friend-zone.

it's seeing whether he still has some hold on your emotions, even though he's seen you out with other guys.

And let's be honest here.

Your dating other guys has been an attempt on your part to 'get over' your ex.

Tell me, honestly: have you been 'comparing'?

Has any date so far rocked your world, floated your boat and cleared your mind of your ex?

(If you're still 'holding a torch for him' I would say this is a 'no'....)

 

I'm sorry, but this is presumptuous, speculative and premature. As such, it serves no one. Given so little previous information from the OP, I wonder how you came to this conclusion, Tara? You could be right, you could be wrong. There is no way of knowing until this plays out.

 

He's asked her out to dinner, and even tried to make it a day earlier. That is far from a bread crumb.

 

Reconciliations are more often than not slow and winding paths. Realistically, not many dumpers come out and mea culpa themselves, flagellating themselves before the dumpee begging for forgiveness.

 

From what I gather from the one previous post by the OP, she's stayed NC and now he's pushing for a face-to-face. Yes, he was the dumper and he needs to make it up to the OP...but her initial contact with him will set the tone for if he decides OP is worth trying again with or not. Conversely, OP needs to carefully observe his words and actions to decide if he's worth taking back.

 

Normally, the first time you see each other is not all romantic and full of declarations. It's overly friendly as you both feel each other out and become reaquainted. It doesn't mean that reconciliation can't work out...it actually seems to be the normal and recommended step towards reconciliation.

 

Keep ALL talk of the past relationship OUT OF THE PICTURE for quite a while. Talk of it will come up eventually but you should always focus on creating good and happy memories with him rather than rehashing painful past experiences. All the get back to together with your ex books also recommend this approach and I agree with it. It worked when I used it and reconcilation failed miserably when I didn't.

[lovestinksyeahyeah]

Thank you all for the input! It is much appreciated. I was pretty much going into this exactly how Zen described. I certainly am not going to bring up reconciliation or the past. Honestly I'm sick of thinking and talking about the break up and believe that time has passed and we are 2 different people now. Different by going through the breakup and by dating others. I have made a ton of changes in my life for the better now that I am able to focus on myself and I do think that he may want to meet to see those changes.

 

Our breakup was not bc of lack of love...it was mostly communication issues. I am going in with an open mind....and really am going into it just to see how it goes. I figure most of the discussion will be things we have been up to lately.

 

I know reconciliation is slow and I'm not ready to get back together with him...I'm simply going to see if it could be a possibility.

 

I am worried about the communication part of it and not using this opportunity the way i should be. He has major communication issues and instead of talking about things brushes them aside and I let that go bc I never wanted to make him uncomfortable by talking about certain things but you need to have those hard conversations to effectively communicate.

 

Sorry for run ons...on my phone! Again thank you for the advice I will let y'all know what happens!

Edited April 14, 2014 by lovestinksyeahyeah
pushed submit before was done posting

[TaraMaiden]

....Given so little previous information from the OP, I wonder how you came to this conclusion, Tara? You could be right, you could be wrong. There is no way of knowing until this plays out......

 

You're absolutely right; there IS no way of knowing... for sure.

 

But:

The No Contact Guide in my signature is partly of my creation; and sadly, my lengthy experience on this website, means that this is not the first time I have come to this conclusion.

Nor the second.

Nor the third.

In fact, I have genuinely lost count of the times that I have held this opinion and given this advice.

Why is it so often repeated?

because it turns out to be right - and others sadly, will back that up.

 

we've seen these things turn out as I have stated, all too often.

Really, all too often.

 

I hope, every single time I see posts like this one (frankly, they're FAR too frequent for anyone's liking) that I will be wrong, genuinely.

 

We shall see.

[zen2475]

Well, let's hope for the best. A bit premature for a conclusion, but your opinion is well taken.

[TaraMaiden]

.... I have made a ton of changes in my life for the better now that I am able to focus on myself and I do think that he may want to meet to see those changes.

I fear it will be to see whether in spite of the changes, he can still yank your chain...

 

Our breakup was not bc of lack of love...it was mostly communication issues. I am going in with an open mind....and really am going into it just to see how it goes. I figure most of the discussion will be things we have been up to lately.

 

I know reconciliation is slow and I'm not ready to get back together with him...I'm simply going to see if it could be a possibility.

 

I am worried about the communication part of it and not using this opportunity the way i should be. He has major communication issues and instead of talking about things brushes them aside and I let that go bc I never wanted to make him uncomfortable by talking about certain things but you need to have those hard conversations to effectively communicate.

....

 

It's only been a short while, and I suspect, as the dumper, he will have seen little need to implement any changes for himself.

Communication is one of the three primary supports of any good relationship (the other two being Respect and Trust).

 

If he has never been able to effectively, productively and positively communicate, then it's hardly likely he will have made any great strides in improvement.

 

You are absolutely correct; communication is vital.

But (I apologise if this sounds like a generalisation) but an awful lot of men prefer to retreat into their own personal mental 'man-dens' rather than talk about things....

 

I hope, again, I'm wrong.

but this rather confirms to me, i may not be.

[zen2475]

I agree with Tara...it has been a relatively short time and he probably does not recognize the issues within himself that he needs to work on.

 

Further, if you find yourself editing or holding back from difficult conversations in a relationship, I would take a serious look at why you are doing that.

 

You need to trust that you have a partner that you can trust to be a competent, capable person, who has the ability to self-regulate and to communicate effectively. Honest, respectful communication is essential to conflict resolution, which is an essential building block in any relationship.

 

I truly wish you the best, and look forward to seeing how it goes from here.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, let's hope for the best. A bit premature for a conclusion, but your opinion is well taken.

 

Tara's betting on the house, and for good reason. While there are certainly exceptions to the rule, the rule is a rule for a reason.

[pickflicker]

Okay. You feel like you’re ready. So now it’s time to make a plan to get this person back into your life – and hopefully back into your arms. You’ll need to start with a simple phone call. But the object of the call is really to get his person back into your physical presence only. A short and fun “get together” NOT a date or “I want to talk to you”.

 

Your real objective is just to be seen by him/her, have some fun and to try and ignite a little spark again. If you have done the work on yourself we have discussed, when you meet a “pattern break” usually occurs. You can usually tell because they will act very friendly and different than they had in the past. You seem “new”, exciting, attractive and most importantly they don’t automatically associate the “bad feelings” to your appearance.

 

While you’re going to start with a phone call, it’s not just any old phone call. You need to choose how you’re going to approach your ex with thought. Here are some guidelines:

 

Try to pick a time to call your ex when you predict he or she will have a few moments to talk privately

Focus on fun – don’t bring up ugly memories from the past

Prepare to talk about something good in your relationship – a funny or sweet experience

Keep it pretty short

Ask your ex to meet you for a specific activity – lunch, coffee, etc (make it a short occasion.) Lunch is way better than dinner. Your ex may fear that you want to have some long grueling conversation or confrontation. You can put them at ease by implying that you only have a half hour or so.

Dial down any desperate feelings

 

While you’re talking to your ex, you need to make sure and keep things pretty light. Talk to him or her for a few minutes and as soon as you feel like you’ve got your old comfortable rapport going, break out your invitation.

 

You don’t need to beat around the bush – just ask! Be specific about a date, time, and activity or location. You should try to call about a week before you actually want to see him or her. This will give you some time to do a little more prep work before the get together.

 

*During the Date

When you’re actually on the date, it’s critical that you avoid some of the common pitfalls that may make your date miserable instead of bringing you closer together.

 

Avoid Upset – There may be several things you might consider doing once you finally have your ex in your presence. Most of these things should be avoided. Here is an example of some bad strategies that may run through your head:

Spending more than the allotted 1/2 hour or 1 hour window of time with your ex

Trying to figure out what went wrong with your relationship while you’re talking to him or her

Focusing on ow hurt and sad you are

Acting downtrodden and desperate

Trying to seduce your ex

Attempting to make them jealous

 

All of these things will only make your problems worse. You must not give in to your desire to do any of these things. The more you try to force things or bring up bad feelings, the less likely you’ll be able to have the reconciliation that you want.

 

Keep Things Light

While you’re with your ex, try to just relax and have a good time. You’re not going to spend much time together on this first date – and you want to leave your ex wanting more.

 

Try to choose an activity that’s something you both enjoy doing. Also try to avoid talking about your relationship very much. Just have fun talking and doing the things that helped you to fall in love in the first place.

 

If you do not talk about anything in your history, make sure it’s something that is a good memory – not a fight or anything having to do with the breakup. If an hour foes by and you wish you could spend more time together, forget about it.

 

It may help to schedule something after the date so that you absolutely must leave before you have too much time together. You want to leave things so that you both want to spend more time together at another time.

 

Did someone Google "How To Get Your Ex Back?"

[Tiggerluvr3275]

Call me a hopeless romantic. I wish you all the best. As long as YOU are happy, who cares what others think?

[redbaron005]

Tara's betting on the house, and for good reason. While there are certainly exceptions to the rule, the rule is a rule for a reason.

 

Let's just hope the house is playing with a single deck, for the OP's sake.

[samg313]

Did someone Google "How To Get Your Ex Back?"

 

It's not from him, I don't think

 

What a con-man that guy is, getting $50-$100 from every broken hearted person around the world he can scheme must be a pretty lucrative deal.

[lovestinksyeahyeah]

Well, kept it short. Just caught up as I had expected. There is no denying there is still chemistry there. I know people will get upset when I say I did invite him in for a bit after. He said no because he didn't want to get carried away but then sat in his car for a few minutes and knocked on my door and apologized and we talked a bit more before he left. I don't really know where I go from here but I guess I will go NC again. I just want to tell him I still love him and I want to talk about things but I wanted tonight to go well first and just take things slow. I'm still unsure how he feels about reconciliation. What should I do next? Should I say something or just let it go?

[Simon Phoenix]

Let him follow up, if he should choose to do so.

[samg313]

I don't think its from text your ex back but something similar.What a con man that guy is, making $50-$100 of every broken hearted in the world he can scam must be lucrative.

 

All situations are different and anything is possible

[zen2475]

Well, kept it short. Just caught up as I had expected. There is no denying there is still chemistry there. I know people will get upset when I say I did invite him in for a bit after. He said no because he didn't want to get carried away but then sat in his car for a few minutes and knocked on my door and apologized and we talked a bit more before he left. I don't really know where I go from here but I guess I will go NC again. I just want to tell him I still love him and I want to talk about things but I wanted tonight to go well first and just take things slow. I'm still unsure how he feels about reconciliation. What should I do next? Should I say something or just let it go?

 

 

I think you should take him at face value. This is why you go very slow at a first meeting post breakup. Keep it nice and light, and more importantly short. Don't push it farther than that. The fact he came up and knocked on your door speaks volumes. But now the ball in his court and don't do anything else.

 

 

The opportunity to speak about things will come, but now is not the time. Find your way back to each other first, slowly but surely. Observe his actions, and allow him the space to make his own decisions.

 

 

Meanwhile, think long and hard about how he handles things, and watch how he communicates from here. Don't push it, but at some point the cards will need to be laid on the table. But that is a while away.

 

 

You will not have your old relationship back. That did not work. At some point you will construct a new, healthier relationship, but the make or break is patience, tolerance, respect, and a whole lot of space.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, kept it short. Just caught up as I had expected. There is no denying there is still chemistry there.

Of course there is. It's only been 4 months. Well, actually, less, because you keep meeting up, so in point of fact, it's almost like the break up is just a 'break'.

Which actually, doesn't work either, of course....

 

I know people will get upset when I say I did invite him in for a bit after. He said no because he didn't want to get carried away but then sat in his car for a few minutes and knocked on my door and apologized and we talked a bit more before he left. I don't really know where I go from here but I guess I will go NC again.

Right, take a look at what you've just said.

You talked all evening. In fact, even when the evening supposedly came to an end, he came to your door, you let him in, and you talked again.

 

And yet, you still "don't know where you go from here."

Why?

Because absolutely nothing was resolved.

 

You didn't 'move forward'.

The evening might just as well not have happened, because you are no further forward than before, it seems.

The whole evening was just one, great, big, pile of BREADCRUMBS.

 

You're right, NC is the way to go.

And you have to treat it as day #1.

 

I just want to tell him I still love him and I want to talk about things

Yet more 'talking'....

He's not interested in how much you love him.

He's interested in friend-zoning you, so he doesn't feel so guilty about breaking up with you. And continuously seeing him, merely validates his own worth in your eyes. 'You might be dating other guys', he's thinking, 'but I still have a hold on you.'

Sure, it may not be a conscious deliberate thought - but that's how it works with dumpers who won't let go of the person they've dumped.

They keep them hanging on, because it does wonders for their ego.

The fact he won't let you go is incredibly cruel. he's basically stomping all over your injured heart, for his own benefit.

I mean, let's face it, how fulfilling, satisfying and nurturing is all this dangling on a string, for you?

Tell me that when he's gone, you don't feel that aching yearning, that desire, that fervent wish that he'd just DO SOMETHING definite!

That's unrequited love, and you're the one suffering.

He's not.

 

But I wanted tonight to go well first and just take things slow. I'm still unsure how he feels about reconciliation.

I can tell you.

he has no intention of reconciling.

If he had you would know it, because he would certainly have made a move by now. It's been 4 months fer chrissakes! Don't you think, honestly, that if he even had one thought about having made a mistake, he wouldn't have said so by now??

There is no intention on his part, to reconcile.

There is no intention on his part, on rekindling the relationship.

But having you around, is comforting to him.

Think of yourself as that comfy chair, or pair of well-worn slippers.

Harsh - but true.

 

What should I do next? Should I say something or just let it go?

Go complete, total, unequivocal, no-nonsense NO CONTACT.

Read the guide in my signature, and adhere to it, 100%.

 

You have to STOP ripping the stitches out, which is what you do every time you connect with him.

This is getting you nowhere, and please trust me - if he wanted you back, he would have made it much, much clearer.

As it is, you're just a convenient massage to his ego.

[angel.eyes]

It's telling that he wasn't interested in having dinner until he saw you dating another guy. We all want a happy ending. That's human. You also have to be realistic and not string yourself along unnecessarily.

 

Is he genuinely interested in you again, or just reacting to the fact that you seem to be moving on with your life and seeing others?

 

In your shoes, I would have asked quite a few tough questions before deciding whether to meet him. If he's genuinely interested, he would understand your concerns and caution since you were dumped. I value my heart, my feelings, and my time. Opting to keep things light and away from "relationship" talk was a disservice to yourself IMO. He got what he needed out of this dinner meeting (assurance that you're still interested in him and remain an option). How about you? It seems you have no idea where you really stand and are stuck in limbo because he's rekindled your hope without revealing whether he is actually interested in giving things a go.

[organizedchaos]

It's telling that he wasn't interested in having dinner until he saw you dating another guy. We all want a happy ending. That's human. You also have to be realistic and not string yourself along unnecessarily.

 

Is he genuinely interested in you again, or just reacting to the fact that you seem to be moving on with your life and seeing others?

 

In your shoes, I would have asked quite a few tough questions before deciding whether to meet him. If he's genuinely interested, he would understand your concerns and caution since you were dumped. I value my heart, my feelings, and my time. Opting to keep things light and away from "relationship" talk was a disservice to yourself IMO. He got what he needed out of this dinner meeting (assurance that you're still interested in him and remain an option). How about you? It seems you have no idea where you really stand and are stuck in limbo because he's rekindled your hope without revealing whether he is actually interested in giving things a go.

 

 

I thought the same thing. This wouldn't have happened had he not seen her with another guy. That right there is a big red flag and should tell you all you need to know about his intentions.

[lovestinksyeahyeah]

I struggled with if I should go NC or not then decided that the entire evening was completely pointless if I didn't at least ask a simple question...I just wanted to know if he would be open to having a conversation. The truth is I don't want to be friends with him. It's weird and does not feel natural. I asked him if he would consider having a conversation and opening the doors of communication. Our communication was terrible in our relationship as we had none. He didn't like talking about serious things because it made him uncomfortable and I never wanted to push so we just never talked. That's how I ended up in a 2 year relationship and never not once had the where are we going talk...then got blindsided and dumped. Things need to be different this time and we both need to communicate our feelings. So I communicated mine...I don't think I have very much faith in him communicating back. He said he didn't know and had to think about it and now he's on vaca.

 

I don't know sounds more like a no. I would certainly never put somebody through this. The whole way it happened he is such a pussy so this behavior doesn't surprise me. First he said we were going on a break and then we were broken up and 4 months later he's still texting me and stuff. It's terrible people treat others this way.

 

I'm not waiting around. But as I'm sure most of you understand it's not easy. I thought after 4 months I'd be over him but I still think about him everyday and despite not speaking for weeks at a time still have these strong feelings for him. I think I will forever be confused about this one since he just never tells me what he is thinking or feeling.

[TaraMaiden]

He's a foot-shuffler.

 

"He who deliberates fully before taking each step will spend his entire life on one leg."

 

The problem is - he's not even deliberating.

He's not even wanting to think about it.

 

So - sad as it is - you have to take the initiative.

 

if you don't like the way you're being treated - then quit giving him the permission to carry on treating you this way.

He only does it, because you let him.

Deny him that avenue from now on, and do the right thing.

 

Everyone knows it's not easy. Jeesh, if it were, this forum would be a quarter the size it is.

 

Of course it's not easy.

But it's also not impossible.

You just have to be determined, resilient and heap up your self-respect.

 

because the more you put up with his behaviour, the lower you sink.

And you don't deserve that.