Meeting my ex for dinner tonight...thoughts appreciated!

[angel.eyes]

Yes, a breakup can be rough, especially when you didn't see it coming. We all empathize.

 

You're making it a lot harder for yourself though. Just because he texts you, doesn't mean you have to respond. Block his number since he's not kind enough to let you recover.

 

We just have what you share here, but it sounds as if you allowed yourself to be in relationship limbo for two years. Last night was a repeat of the same.

 

There are lots of learnings in your experiences with him. Focus on what you might do differently in your next relationship. What do you need in a future partner? Also, you seem completely unwilling to assert your needs. Why so timid? Why were his needs and wants more important than yours for two years? Why did you value him more than yourself?

 

 

I just wanted to know if he would be open to having a conversation. The truth is I don't want to be friends with him.

What do you mean? If you don't want to be his friend, why do you care whether he talks to you? Was your real objective to see whether he was open to resuming a romantic relationship with you? Were you focused on gaining the clarity you needed when you agreed to dinner?

 

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but if you're too afraid to state your needs, you're unlikely to get what you want.

 

It's terrible people treat others this way.

No, it's terrible that you allow yourself to be treated this way. Stop responding to his meaningless texts. Stop agreeing to meet with him when he thinks you might be moving on and he starts reeling you back in for no purpose.

 

I think your expectations, given what you allowed when you were together, are unrealistic. Unfortunately, if you don't value and respect yourself, others won't. You spent two years teaching him what he could get away with. After he's done and has broken things off (sort of since he keeps dangling texts, articles, and now dinner to keep you hooked), he's not suddenly going to be thoughtful and concerned about your feelings and emotional well-being. You allowed the relationship to be all about him. So far, you're doing the same with this breakup, to your own detriment.

 

He's not going to give you a clean break. Interactions have always been about his needs, not yours. So, you're going to have to give yourself a clean break rather than waiting for him to give you clarity whenever that might suit him.

 

I think I will forever be confused about this one since he just never tells me what he is thinking or feeling.

To the outsider looking at things objectively, his actions and choices are a pretty good window into his intentions.

 

It will take you a while to recover since things were so ill-defined. Stay busy. Maybe pick up a new hobby. Hang out with your friends. And most importantly, block him from your life.

Edited April 15, 2014 by angel.eyes

[BC1980]

I struggled with if I should go NC or not then decided that the entire evening was completely pointless if I didn't at least ask a simple question...I just wanted to know if he would be open to having a conversation. The truth is I don't want to be friends with him. It's weird and does not feel natural. I asked him if he would consider having a conversation and opening the doors of communication. Our communication was terrible in our relationship as we had none. He didn't like talking about serious things because it made him uncomfortable and I never wanted to push so we just never talked. That's how I ended up in a 2 year relationship and never not once had the where are we going talk...then got blindsided and dumped. Things need to be different this time and we both need to communicate our feelings. So I communicated mine...I don't think I have very much faith in him communicating back. He said he didn't know and had to think about it and now he's on vaca.

 

I don't know sounds more like a no. I would certainly never put somebody through this. The whole way it happened he is such a pussy so this behavior doesn't surprise me. First he said we were going on a break and then we were broken up and 4 months later he's still texting me and stuff. It's terrible people treat others this way.

 

I'm not waiting around. But as I'm sure most of you understand it's not easy. I thought after 4 months I'd be over him but I still think about him everyday and despite not speaking for weeks at a time still have these strong feelings for him. I think I will forever be confused about this one since he just never tells me what he is thinking or feeling.

 

It took me a good, solid 4 months of NC to begin to feel better on a consistent basis. It took me 4 months of getting up every morning and telling myself that there was no hope to really absorb the fact. It does not happen overnight. I'm on my 5th month of NC, and we broke up a year ago. I could have been much further along, but I persisted in talking to my ex and breaking NC. I persisted in hanging onto hope where there was very little.

 

Your ex sounds like mine in that they would love a friendship on their terms. I think it's pretty difficult to go NC with those types of exes. They keep telling you there is some hope. . . . but not right now. In the end, you actually have to be the one to cut the cord. I had to do it for myself because no one else was going to do it for me. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but NC is the only way to go from here.