Feeling abandoned

[cazoraz]

Hi All

 

I wrote an earlier post about my brother and now its worse.

 

I am 49 and he is 45

 

20 years ago I lost my brother due to a blow up he had with my Dad.

In October last year we found each other and everything was great. It was like the past 20 years had never happened.

 

For various reasons he needed help to get a house which I was able to buy in a business arrangement for him.

 

At the same time he meet a new girlfriend. She has now been around 8 weeks. Since she arrived things have changed. My brother and I would spend hours on the phone talking, looking at houses together online etc. It was great. Then I heard less and less. I wrote that I felt really weird before about my brother taking her house hunting. Never felt right to me.

 

My brother found a house which we bought and I flew across the country to help set up the house. We went shopping and totally bought everything new to set the house up. I will say I paid for everything not that its a money issue.

 

I met the new girlfriend on a Saturday night and she was smashed. Not a good first impression. Next day we went for a bbq with the new girlfriend and her parents. I had no idea her mother had helped find the house that I had just paid for. I sat there listening to everyone talking about what to do with the house. Extensions, paint etc. and was getting angry. Keep in mind I havent seen the house yet as we didn't have the keys yet.Next thing the girlfriend comes out with "we" need to get a fan for the patio. I thought I did very well not to really blow and all I said - your getting a little cosy aren't you. I watched my brother kiss her mother and give her a hug for helping him find the house. I just felt so out of place, like I didn't belong. We left and when my brother was taking me back to the hotel I let him know how upset I was. Couldn't have missed it. I had tears running down my face. I got dumped at the hotel so he could go back to his girlfriend as she was leaving for work the next day for a week. Who does that? To say I was devastated is a understatement.

 

The next day he picks me up to do more shopping and the minute I get in the car he lets me have it about being upset. Anything I said got turned back on me. We stood in a car park with him yelling at me that he wasn't leaving his girlfriend. I never asked him to nor would I.

 

Long story short it destroyed what was suppose to be one of the best things my brother and I could have shared. I spent the rest of the week and bit my lip but was heart broken.

 

I came home and he wanted to know why I was so upset. Sent him an email which he shared with this girlfriend. Resulted in them having a big blow up and nearly breaking up. That was so not my intent. I was just trying to make him realise how upset I am. I didn't hear anything for a week and then he tells me they are back together so life is good. He never fixed anything with me or address why I was upset. Just feels like as long as the two of them are happy I don't matter.

 

Ever since they met our contact has become less and less and now its basically none existant. I am so upset and feel like he has abandoned me all over again. He just doesn't get it. I cant say anything to him or he gets angry. As far as he is concerned we are just great. This whole situation is eating me up. This was a month ago now and I just feel so disposable to him. I cry all the time which makes my husband really angry. He hates seeing me like this so now I cant even speak to him about it.

 

I just don't know how to deal or forget about this. My brother has been talking about his girlfriend moving in which just makes my blood boil. Now I am housing her as well. Keep in mind they pay no rent or anything. This was about helping my brother save for his deposit then he would buy the house off me for what I paid for it My brother has broken my heart and just doesn't get it. Feel totally kicked in the guts.

 

Caz

[d0nnivain]

It's your house? You are the landlord? I think you have the right -- but check your local laws -- to determine who will live in the house.

 

 

Sell the bloody thing.

 

 

Sadly I think your long lost sibling sees you as a human ATM, nothing more.

[CC12]

Man, that's tough. I can totally understand why you're feeling hurt and I'm sorry your brother has handled this so poorly.

 

The money you spent is really making this complicated. That's where you're getting hung up.

 

Imagine the same scenario, except you have not put any money into it. Then the situation would be that your brother bought a house, and in the process he sought advice from you and others, included you in some of the planning/decorating, and he ultimately plans to move his new girlfriend in. Apart from his questionable relationship decisions, he did nothing wrong.

 

So I think you should honestly ask yourself if the loan you gave your brother had some strings attached. If it did, then in a way you used money to have some control over your brother's life, and you just can't do that. If it was truly a no-strings-attached loan, then you wouldn't be upset about who he lets live there or if he takes other people shopping for window treatments or whatever.

 

Remember, you're not buying him a house, you're giving him a (very generous) loan. I guarantee you that your brother is thinking of this as HIS house, and that HE is buying a house, not that his sister is buying him a house. So he's probably looking at this in the same way he would look at a home loan from a bank.

 

I think lending him money was a mistake, but I don't think you can undo this mistake without causing a major disruption and fighting. So follow through on your promise, but beyond that, no more lending him money, no more taking him shopping, no more trusting him. Sorry to say, but your brother seems like the type that doesn't make good life decisions. That's fine for him, but don't let yourself get caught up in fixing his problems.