digger Posted February 2, 2005 Share Posted February 2, 2005 February already. Just passed 11 months of being without her. Also just passed 11 wks of absolutely NC. I wonder what shes thinking. Is it easy to be in that big house all alone? Im sure my daughters company makes it better..but does she think of me when she lays down at night? Is she as sure now as she was a year ago? So I've disappeared but not without intent. Even going over tomorrow to pick up the rest of my stuff shes thrown in the garage. Since Im NC'ing, I wonder if the disapearance of my items tomorrow will make her lay down and think "OMG he's given up". Or will she think "attt last". I know deep in my heart she loves me still--i cant be convinced otherwise. She may be trying to find her youth, but she'll see that she cant. She'll just keep getting older as she searches for it. No the pasture isnt greener is it honey? So here I sit night after night--hoping the phone rings and its her. Im sticking with NC. I dont know if the phone will ring in 2weeks, 2 months, 2 years or 20 years. Or ever. Or maybe when she gets cold sleeping by herself on a February night. Or whether she'll miss me at the first smell of spring. Or when my daughter goes on a date and shes left at home all alone. Oh I hope you think about giving me a ring. Im waiting for you (right or wrong)--and I always will. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted February 2, 2005 Share Posted February 2, 2005 Hang in there... Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 2, 2005 Share Posted February 2, 2005 Im waiting for you (right or wrong)--and I always will. I can only go by what I've read in your posts and it really doesn't appear that your wife is interested in reconciling. She refused to talk to you anymore, filed for divorce, attempted to move to another state and if I can recall correctly is dating someone else (I vaguely remember it being her boss or future boss). Why do you wait for someone that doesn't want you when there may be someone out there wishing they'd just meet you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author digger Posted February 2, 2005 Author Share Posted February 2, 2005 and then again....she came running to my office when i told her i had something to tell her...decided not to leave the state...and if it really is any kind of relationship (with the old boss) shes leaving him sit--or hes leaving her sit--or maybe it was all embelished by my daughter. These are called mixed signalsto me. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 2, 2005 Share Posted February 2, 2005 Has she told you that she wants to reconcile? What was the conversation at your work about? What did you have to tell her that she came running? Link to post Share on other sites
Author digger Posted February 2, 2005 Author Share Posted February 2, 2005 It was fresh into the separation...i called her to ask her to come by--i had something to give her. A book or something.. She very well couldve told me to mail it. She also told me more than once "well i'll think about your promises" and " i believe in if they come back-it was meant to be" (meaning herself). I just think shes very confused and if she comes around, it may be a while, after things start to get 'old'. To many people (freinds) in her head that tell her what to do--and now that thats old news they are all 500 miles away and back to everyday life while she sits alone. i also think shes very afraid of what my parents think..My mom puts up with NO **** at all. She very well could think she'll be axe murdered by my mother--thats the way my mother is. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 2, 2005 Share Posted February 2, 2005 When was the last time you actually spoke to her? Months ago, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author digger Posted February 2, 2005 Author Share Posted February 2, 2005 yes but im in NC--actually the last time was probably early august Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 2, 2005 Share Posted February 2, 2005 That was a long time ago... I wish you well and the strength to do what you think is the best thing for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author digger Posted February 2, 2005 Author Share Posted February 2, 2005 thank you much...just when i think its getting better, it gets worse. 21 years of memories to get over. I dont know how one person can do it to another, i really dont. Jail time would be appropriate. Maybe thats what she thot it was like being with me, i dunno. I, too, dont think ill ever feel that closeness to another again. Six months before papers we sat and looked at stars with each other. Always relished waiting out my daughters high schooling to go back to florida where we loved it so much. it was just yesterday (it seems) that i proposed to her on a mountain top and driving 500 miles to surprise her at a costume party she had no idea I was at for an hour. it was a great disguise. Maybe the best disguise was that of her--when she told me she loved me. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 2, 2005 Share Posted February 2, 2005 Sometimes people fall out of love. Sometimes we find that we've changed or our life expectations have changed and we no longer find ourselves in love with someone. It doesn't mean that she never loved you. I can't imagine anyone staying with another person for twenty-one years and having never loved them. What confuses me the most is that you seem to have no idea why she filed for divorce. You seem to have this perception that everything was wonderful and then suddenly you're divorced. Did she not explain to you why she had to leave? Why she felt that she'd be happier without you in her life and starting all over again as opposed to staying with you and working on it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author digger Posted February 2, 2005 Author Share Posted February 2, 2005 confuses me to pocky. We had an istance where she thot I was out fooling around---i went to have 3 beers after work and it was an hours drive home. My mistake was not to call her--and chek in as it were--I was just bush tired after a 15 hour day. I got home--first thing i see is all my clothes in the yard. We became chilly--the warmed up-then chilly again. I was just waiting for an apology of some sorts. There was a time she hung my suit--i leafed thru it the next day for a lighter--it wasnt hung as she had hung it--and she rports that i put it on and went out on a date with somebody. it was absolutely ludicrous. The reason(s)? Maybe the 38 things she listed on a paper that she hated about me, and laid it on the table in plain sight (knowing id be at the house when she was out of town). Even down to--"he doesnt let me watch the tv shows i want to". Noooo--we only had 3 tv's in the house. If she was looking for a reson--she found 40 of em. Link to post Share on other sites
Author digger Posted February 2, 2005 Author Share Posted February 2, 2005 i guess what really hurts thru out this is when i would tell her--"but i love you"..and her response would be---------i know you do! Thats it! And from a woman who--along with me--promised "ill never leave you".....and recently to. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 2, 2005 Share Posted February 2, 2005 If she gave you a list of reasons as to why she left and stopped responding when you'd tell her you loved her, I have a hard time understanding why you want to wait around for her to come back. I guess my thought is - You've made it clear you want to be together. She's made it clear she doesn't. Why do you waste your life wanting someone that doesn't want you? It seems like your declaration to wait for her forever is more a way to enable you to continue your grief over this marriage ending and less of a way to truly give her time to come back. Maybe I'm wrong. One day she may wake up and say she's ready to be back. And maybe she won't. I'm not telling you to give up, but just be sure that you stay realistic about the situation. It's been six months since she's spoken to you. If she were going to realize she still loves you, don't you think she would have realized this by now? You can still move on in your life and save a part of yourself for if she does come back to you. To me, it seems like you're just going through the motions of life and your mind, heart and soul is living in a different time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author digger Posted February 2, 2005 Author Share Posted February 2, 2005 i agree wholeheartedly--maybe youve been there--maybe you havent. Im sure im not the only one whose gone thru this. I just know how she acted when we were with each other--how totally loyal and in love she 'was'. How, seemingly stupid of me, i thot i could hit her with a safe and shed never leave me. But since the papers--the way shes talked to me and the things shes said--so veryyy hurtful. So unlike her. Never a cold bone in her body til this and now a person i never knew. Ive thot about maybe things have changed in her mind---maybe. No reason to think so but you never know. She may be embarrased or...afraid to swallow pride to make it work. I thot id give it a few weeks/months--call her on a whim--ask her out. If i still get the cold shoulder after all that time--maybe ill realize its over.. Or maybe she'll say 'maybe". Right? Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 suffering. Digger, You are one of those guys who has a heart of gold. I know it got hard buddy. I'm just barely holding it together, myself. I forced myself into the pain of letting go and it's only been about a month for me. I drove myself deep into the regret and resentment. Even deeper into the excruciatingly painful "good times." They have to be excersized. You have to feel that stuff. I looks like you are. I know the feeling all to well. IT 4:00am you wake from a dream where she's smiling. She's smiling at you. She loves you, and it's okay. But that damn clock insists on telling you it's 4:00am and you're alone. She's gone. Nothing to do but go back to sleep, if you can, no energy to cry, not angry, just there. Read the PM I just sent you. You can do this, Digger. your brother in arms, MA Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Personally, I think you should show up at her house and ask her if she'd like to get a drink/bite to eat/coffee for old time's sake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author digger Posted February 3, 2005 Author Share Posted February 3, 2005 atom i didnt get a pm but feel free to email me [email protected] thnks Link to post Share on other sites
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