talk to me about NC

[Mickey1982]

Oh Quiet Storm, you have nailed it with what you just wrote! Thanks for this.

 

I have a very long history with my exMM: grade school classmates, college sweethearts, had EA when we were both married, reconnected during a class reunion 5 years ago and PA (3 times), on and off, NC and LC been there done that. Blocked and unblocked him. Removed from my contact and back again.

 

I thought I had closure when he sent me a musical composition on guitar and he said that I will always have a place in his heart but with that romantic closure how could one move on?

 

One time he got impatient when I was so indecisive re separating from my husband. He said "don't text ever". (Before that he's always been giving me advice on what to do whether or not I remain married.) With that I thought it was really over because now it came from him and I felt that it was what I needed. But then he texted again after a day and said that when he texted that he was having a severe asthma attack and was driving himself to ER so he was irritable.

 

So we're back to texting I guess EA? But I have stopped second guessing his motives and thoughts. With our long history I feel that he will always be a part of me.

 

I'm on IC and during my first session my therapist said that I should stop all contacts until I see her again this Sunday. I thought I could do it because that's when he texted that "don't text ever", but after two texts I responded because I wanted closure I guess? I wanted to know why he texted don't text ever.

 

My ExMM is happily married with two great kids and has no plans of leaving his family so I should really move on. Besides I always feel miserable after he texts about his life because by pure coincidence what he currently does is what I want my husband to do. For ex: he'd text that he's building a shelf for his house. Well I've been asking my husband to buy that shelf.

 

NC is very hard to do, but yes, it's needed to move on to live in the moment!

 

Movingon45, my therapist told me to do NC as well to prevent any further hurt to myself. She also told me that if my exMM and his wife are in MC, he will be instructed to go absolute NC for life!!!! I have no idea if they are or aren't, but it does help me understand why few of our exMM may be reaching out if they are in MC.

[Mickey1982]

But that's because at that point in time, he didn't see you as a threat. You benefited his life. But in reality, all along you were a threat to his real life. He just ignored that little fact, like most MM do, because his brain was flooded with romance & excitement. He wanted to be able to have both- his marriage & family and a devoted other woman.

 

So as long as he could have both, you were loved & cherished by him. But he can't have both now. Do you think he still would've been there for you through your illness if his wife had found out and threatened divorce?

 

All of the time you were together, he was happy & content to be with you and support you, but it was all contingent on his home life being intact, his wife unaware, his kids unaffected.

 

Do you see how unfair that is to you? For him to put you in a position (consciously or not), where your relationship and your future were dependent upon how good he could lie to his wife and how successful he was at compartmentalizing? You could be the most attentive woman in the world, the best cook, an unselfish & faithful lover, an understanding friend... and he could love & appreciate all of that. But, when his real life is on the line, his loyalty changed in a second. THAT is what you should pay attention to. Where does his loyalty lie? You can depend on him. He loved you when it was convenient, but now that love is a hardship.

 

It's kind of like a person who casually uses cocaine, without much affect at all on his real life. He just uses it to party on the weekends. As long as there are no consequences, he'd enjoy it forever. But if he gets caught & charged with possession, of if his employer tests him & his job is threatened... he will realize that it's not worth it. Up until that point, it was Let's Party!, but once those consequences are felt, it's BUZZKILL.

 

So while I don't think he was faking when he was supportive of you, I think that attention & love he gave was never dependable. The relationship was always shaky, because of the foundation. It's foundation was always dependent on outside forces, so the intensity of your feelings for each other was really redundant (in terms of outcome anyway). No matter how many bricks of love, care, support, time, admiration that you stacked up to build your relationship, all it took was one crumbling brick at the bottom to bring it all down.

 

So you are hanging onto all these words & moments, as proof that he loves you. And I'm not arguing that. At the time, he was all about loving you, talking to you, pleasing you and supporting you. And you felt that from him and reciprocated.

 

But that has all changed now. He did not value his relationship with you more than his family. He can't have both anymore, because it's too much of a risk.

 

From your perspective, this was a real relationship with two people who loved & cared for each other and were working towards being together. From his perspective, this was a real relationship with two people who loved & cared for each other, as long as it did not threaten his home life. Once your relationship became a liability, the love was not as important as saving his family. I'm sure he misses you and wishes he could still have both, but it's not an option for him right now.

 

I'm sorry, Mickey, I know it hurts. I am not trying to invalidate your relationship because I know it was very important to you. I can just see you are stuck in your healing, and reliving all the good times is making it worse.

 

 

QuietStorm, everything you are saying to me makes sense as hard as some of it may be for me to believe. My only exception to your post is that I truly do believe that I loved him. Maybe I'm using all the wrong words which are reflective of an infactuation or a desire for attention, but in my heart, I believe I loved this man. Quietstorm, I'm not some 20 something chick new to the dating scene. I'm 42 and have dated and been married---I believe with every ounce of me that I loved him.

[movingon45]

Movingon45, my therapist told me to do NC as well to prevent any further hurt to myself. She also told me that if my exMM and his wife are in MC, he will be instructed to go absolute NC for life!!!! I have no idea if they are or aren't, but it does help me understand why few of our exMM may be reaching out if they are in MC.

 

Thanks, Mickey. Today we had our nth goodbyes again. I've already told him that it's best that I let him go because it's not good for my mental health. I have really fallen in love with him again but I didn't say it of course. He's not going to leave his family because he is happily married. He mentioned again that we had this A because of unfinished business in college. We then reminisced about college and how he really pursued and loved me. So I guess it's really time to bring this to a close once and for all.

 

I'm seeing my therapist on Sunday and I'm sure that's what she'll say to me.

 

Be well!

[Mickey1982]

Thanks, Mickey. Today we had our nth goodbyes again. I've already told him that it's best that I let him go because it's not good for my mental health. I have really fallen in love with him again but I didn't say it of course. He's not going to leave his family because he is happily married. He mentioned again that we had this A because of unfinished business in college. We then reminisced about college and how he really pursued and loved me. So I guess it's really time to bring this to a close once and for all.

 

I'm seeing my therapist on Sunday and I'm sure that's what she'll say to me.

 

Be well!

 

 

That's my issue as well...my head tells me one thing, but my heart is dictating another----if the heart would sync with my head, I'd be able to make some progress...SIGH.

 

Good luck with everything. I think you know what you need to do and what is best for you. I read some of your past threads and it seems like you have been back and forth quite a bit with NC. I can see where that would be truly bad for your mental health and well being. I hope that you found some 'closure' (if that is ever possible, I'm not sure?), in this last good-bye and are ready to start anew. I'm sure your therapist will tell you the same.

 

All the very best to you.

Mickey

[Waverly]

Thanks, Mickey. Today we had our nth goodbyes again. I've already told him that it's best that I let him go because it's not good for my mental health. I have really fallen in love with him again but I didn't say it of course. He's not going to leave his family because he is happily married. He mentioned again that we had this A because of unfinished business in college. We then reminisced about college and how he really pursued and loved me. So I guess it's really time to bring this to a close once and for all.

 

I'm seeing my therapist on Sunday and I'm sure that's what she'll say to me.

 

Be well!

 

Movingon, good for you for saying goodbye. I know just how hard that feeling of unfinished business is...I have tried to tell myself that my A was an attempt to recapture what could have been, but that it just can't be at this point. Too much has happened, too many other people and factors are involved. But that pull of the past is strong.

 

Good luck to you in moving on. You've already shown strength in recognizing what is healthy for you. I hope you're able to continue down that path... All the best to you, my friend.

[Mickey1982]

Not really, unfortunately. I'm a remote employee in the truest sense of it. My company's only office is about six hours away. I go up there every other month or so for a few days at a time, but (alas), it's in the town that I associate with my xAP -- it's where we met, spent months together, met up during the A, etc., etc.

 

For better or worse, we're getting into the busiest time of the year for me at work. I'm dreading it for a lot of reasons, one of them being that I'm ill-prepared for it after having been so out of it the last few months. It also coincides with when the A started a year ago, so I have all those anniversaries to look forward to as well.

 

I'm not trying to get any pity here; I know this is all my own doing. But it's been helpful to hear from everyone else. Thanks (as ever) for all of the support, my fellow LS'ers.

 

 

How are you today? Just wondered if we are towing the same boat today...?

[Waverly]

QuietStorm, everything you are saying to me makes sense as hard as some of it may be for me to believe. My only exception to your post is that I truly do believe that I loved him. Maybe I'm using all the wrong words which are reflective of an infactuation or a desire for attention, but in my heart, I believe I loved this man. Quietstorm, I'm not some 20 something chick new to the dating scene. I'm 42 and have dated and been married---I believe with every ounce of me that I loved him.

 

I think QuietStorm's points are all true...and the "simple" idea of putting this in the past and understanding that it may have been something true and real and beautiful but that its time is in the past is so so true. Also? So so hard. For ten years, I had this secret love for my xAP that I had pushed so far to the back of my mind and my heart, and then during the A, it all came out. As much as I struggled with the inherent dishonesty and duplicity of what we were doing, it was also the closest I had come in a long time to really being true to myself. It can't be, and we can't be together, and I'm struggling - a lot - to accept that and figure out how to put it aside again.

 

But Mickey, that doesn't change what I felt. And some people might call it a fog or a search for validation, but I was there, and I know myself, and I know my xAP, and I know it was neither of those things. You know your situation, and even though you aren't meant to be with him, that doesn't change that you loved him. It's just a matter of figuring out how to put that love in the past. (And, hey, let me know if you figure it out, ok? )

[Waverly]

How are you today? Just wondered if we are towing the same boat today...?

 

I think I will be for a while. I'm trying to be positive today. The sun is out, we have friends visiting tomorrow Even with all of that though, I still am in the same spot, Mickey. Just thinking about the fact that I may never hear from him again. Ever. It really just hits me sometimes.

Edited May 31, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[movingon45]

Thanks, Waverly and Mickey. All the best to both of you as well.

 

Yes, I've had closure so many times but when he texts back and gives me great advice about my marriage I just can't help it. He's just too romantic and sweet and of course him sending me his composition on guitar just broke my heart. He said that I'll always have a place in his heart and I said the same thing so this should really be over. But then he'd text good morning and all that and I'm back in.

 

My therapist said not to respond before our next session but I didn't follow! I do feel better today though because I was able to ask a lot of questions and my ExMM answered promptly. He also asks his own questions and today clarified a lot of issues between us. For someone who is happily married he texts so much!

 

If he texts again tomorrow I will no longer answer. It does feel better every time we have closure. Oh who am I kidding, right? But it does feel better. Like today I didn't cry anymore.

 

I always come back to LS whenever I feel low and tempted.

 

Right now I'm watching old episodes of How I Met Your Mother to keep my mind off the phone!

 

We will all get there somehow!

[movingon45]

I think I will be for a while. I'm trying to be positive today. The sun is out, we have friends visiting tomorrow, and it's my birthday this weekend. Even with all of that though, I still am in the same spot, Mickey. Just thinking about the fact that I may never hear from him again. Ever. It really just hits me sometimes.

 

Oh no birthdays bring up hope and anticipation of contact! I hope that you'll be strong that day and you'll be with your friends and family.

[Mickey1982]

I think QuietStorm's points are all true...and the "simple" idea of putting this in the past and understanding that it may have been something true and real and beautiful but that its time is in the past is so so true. Also? So so hard. For ten years, I had this secret love for my xAP that I had pushed so far to the back of my mind and my heart, and then during the A, it all came out. As much as I struggled with the inherent dishonesty and duplicity of what we were doing, it was also the closest I had come in a long time to really being true to myself. It can't be, and we can't be together, and I'm struggling - a lot - to accept that and figure out how to put it aside again.

 

But Mickey, that doesn't change what I felt. And some people might call it a fog or a search for validation, but I was there, and I know myself, and I know my xAP, and I know it was neither of those things. You know your situation, and even though you aren't meant to be with him, that doesn't change that you loved him. It's just a matter of figuring out how to put that love in the past. (And, hey, let me know if you figure it out, ok? )

 

 

I'm so hoping that I get the 'established member' status soon so we can communicate more...I want to share more of my story with you than provide additional details on this forum.

 

I'm going to get beaten up again for what I am going to say, but it is honest and from the heart.....

 

Hey, I am right there with you. Feelings are feelings and I cannot change who I am or what I feel nor would I want to. I have not reached 'that point in time' when I am ready and all the advice in the world cannot speed it along---that is what my therapist has told me and that is what I am believing more and more all the time. QuietStorm is a bundle of knowledge and great advice, but if I am not ready to accept it and move forward with it, it goes in 'one ear and out the other' so to speak. I have learned that I cannot force this as much as I want to.

 

I'm still missing TOO much.....I miss thinking about when I was going to see HIM next and what I would do first when I saw him. I miss his happy emails and pings he caused my phone to do. I miss the way he made me laugh and smile.

 

Strangely, I miss that feeling of dread when my time with HIM was almost over because it was so good.

 

I am trying to be content with what I have. I have a lot to be grateful for and have been blessed with many good things in my life.

 

But, I miss that feeling. And, until I figure out how to put it in the past (and, let you me know if you get there first), I fear I will never ever feel it again for anyone.

Edited April 17, 2014 by Mickey1982

[Waverly]

Oh no birthdays bring up hope and anticipation of contact! I hope that you'll be strong that day and you'll be with your friends and family.

 

Thanks, movingon. He's terrible with dates; I highly doubt he actually even realizes it's my birthday. But yes... the hope will still be there.

 

Luckily, we'll be busy that day with friends visiting and some egg hunts and whatnot for the kids. I'm trying really hard to focus on everything that I do have in my life (and it's a lot), rather than the one thing that I don't. Results are...mixed.

[Mickey1982]

I'm so hoping that I get the 'established member' status soon so we can communicate more...I want to share more of my story with you than provide additional details on this forum.

 

I'm going to get beaten up again for what I am going to say, but it is honest and from the heart.....

 

Hey, I am right there with you. Feelings are feelings and I cannot change who I am or what I feel nor would I want to. I have not reached 'that point in time' when I am ready and all the advice in the world cannot speed it along---that is what my therapist has told me and that is what I am believing more and more all the time. QuietStorm is a bundle of knowledge and great advice, but if I am not ready to accept it and move forward with it, it goes in 'one ear and out the other' so to speak. I have learned that I cannot force this as much as I want to.

 

I'm still missing TOO much.....I miss thinking about when I was going to see HIM next and what I would do first when I saw him. I miss his happy emails and pings he caused my phone to do. I miss the way he made me laugh and smile.

 

Strangely, I miss that feeling of dread when my time with HIM was almost over because it was so good.

 

I am trying to be content with what I have. I have a lot to be grateful for and have been blessed with many good things in my life.

 

But, I miss that feeling. And, until I figure out how to put it in the past (and, let you me know if you get there first), I fear I will never ever feel it again for anyone.

 

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, my good friend, Waverly!!!!!

 

I wish you so much happiness and smiles... Enjoy YOUR day and don't let anyone or anything get you down.

 

You deserve sunshine and love on your special day!!!!

 

Hugs.

Mickey

[Waverly]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, my good friend, Waverly!!!!!

 

I wish you so much happiness and smiles... Enjoy YOUR day and don't let anyone or anything get you down.

 

You deserve sunshine and love on your special day!!!!

 

Hugs.

Mickey

 

Mickey, you're so sweet. Thank you so so much for ALL of your support and kind words over the last few weeks. Looking forward to a better year ahead for BOTH of us!

[movingon45]

Thanks, movingon. He's terrible with dates; I highly doubt he actually even realizes it's my birthday. But yes... the hope will still be there.

 

Luckily, we'll be busy that day with friends visiting and some egg hunts and whatnot for the kids. I'm trying really hard to focus on everything that I do have in my life (and it's a lot), rather than the one thing that I don't. Results are...mixed.

 

 

That's so great that you will be very busy that day.

 

I can't believe it. The exMM texted three hours ago and I still haven't answered. Still watching how I met your mother series. I'm glad I can do this!

[Bittersweetie]

I was thinking of NC yesterday when I was out walking. I realized that one aspect of NC was accepting that some questions would never get answers. I think accepting permanent NC was, to me, also accepting that I would never receive answers to some questions I had. Like, how could you say that? Why did you do that? That kind of thing. The NC helped in the long run because now I no longer have a need for any answers.

 

Over 20 years ago my best friend suddenly stopped talking to me and for years I had trouble healing from it. Actually going through the healing from xOM helped with the healing with my friend, because I had had so many questions for her. Questions that would never get answered. Finally I was able to accept those unanswered questions. So maybe it doesn't just relate to As.

 

Just a thought I had...maybe it will help. And happy birthday!

[Mickey1982]

I was thinking of NC yesterday when I was out walking. I realized that one aspect of NC was accepting that some questions would never get answers. I think accepting permanent NC was, to me, also accepting that I would never receive answers to some questions I had. Like, how could you say that? Why did you do that? That kind of thing. The NC helped in the long run because now I no longer have a need for any answers.

 

Over 20 years ago my best friend suddenly stopped talking to me and for years I had trouble healing from it. Actually going through the healing from xOM helped with the healing with my friend, because I had had so many questions for her. Questions that would never get answered. Finally I was able to accept those unanswered questions. So maybe it doesn't just relate to As.

 

Just a thought I had...maybe it will help. And happy birthday!

 

 

Did you still have feeling for your AP after d-day or did they disappear? Do you ever think of him now????

[Waverly]

I was thinking of NC yesterday when I was out walking. I realized that one aspect of NC was accepting that some questions would never get answers. I think accepting permanent NC was, to me, also accepting that I would never receive answers to some questions I had. Like, how could you say that? Why did you do that? That kind of thing. The NC helped in the long run because now I no longer have a need for any answers.

 

Over 20 years ago my best friend suddenly stopped talking to me and for years I had trouble healing from it. Actually going through the healing from xOM helped with the healing with my friend, because I had had so many questions for her. Questions that would never get answered. Finally I was able to accept those unanswered questions. So maybe it doesn't just relate to As.

 

Just a thought I had...maybe it will help. And happy birthday!

 

Thanks, Bittersweetie. Did you go permanent NC?

 

I think I have all the answers I can ever reasonably expect to get. I'm just sad. I know it takes time, but right now, at this moment, I'm just sad. I'm disappointed in myself, I'm disappointed in him, I'm sad that I will probably never talk to this person again who has been so important to me for so long. That things can just get so messed up, and that it's my own fault. Sometimes, I'm ok. Right now, it's just weighing on me.

 

You're right, by the way, I don't think this just relates to As. I, too, had a falling out with a good friend nearly 14 years ago, and she basically dumped me. It hurt as badly as any other breakup.

[Mickey1982]

Thanks, Bittersweetie. Did you go permanent NC?

 

I think I have all the answers I can ever reasonably expect to get. I'm just sad. I know it takes time, but right now, at this moment, I'm just sad. I'm disappointed in myself, I'm disappointed in him, I'm sad that I will probably never talk to this person again who has been so important to me for so long. That things can just get so messed up, and that it's my own fault. Sometimes, I'm ok. Right now, it's just weighing on me.

 

You're right, by the way, I don't think this just relates to As. I, too, had a falling out with a good friend nearly 14 years ago, and she basically dumped me. It hurt as badly as any other breakup.

 

 

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(....Ditto TODAY.

[Bittersweetie]

Did you still have feeling for your AP after d-day or did they disappear? Do you ever think of him now????

 

It was like I was addicted. The time after d-day was difficult. I see now that what I cared for wasn't the real him; I projected what I wanted and needed at that time onto him (making him my perfect man), and that's what I cared for. The feelings faded as I focused my energies on myself and my husband. I rarely think of him now. I hope he is in a more positive, healthier place...but that's about it.

 

Thanks, Bittersweetie. Did you go permanent NC?

 

I think I have all the answers I can ever reasonably expect to get. I'm just sad. I know it takes time, but right now, at this moment, I'm just sad. I'm disappointed in myself, I'm disappointed in him, I'm sad that I will probably never talk to this person again who has been so important to me for so long. That things can just get so messed up, and that it's my own fault. Sometimes, I'm ok. Right now, it's just weighing on me.

 

You're right, by the way, I don't think this just relates to As. I, too, had a falling out with a good friend nearly 14 years ago, and she basically dumped me. It hurt as badly as any other breakup.

 

Yes, it's permanent NC. I'm a WW, so at this point to have any contact with xOM would be the ultimate disrespect to H, especially after all that we've worked through. I'm fine with that though, I have no need for him in my life. It's the same with my old girlfriend...she could reach out to me and be Mother Teresa II...but now I wouldn't be friends with her again. I have better ways to spend my time and energy.

 

Waverly, there are times I still feel sad and disappointed in myself. That I made such a poor and hurtful choice. But time moves on and those times are less. Good luck!