Confused and Sad

[powerpuff]

hi everyone,

 

i have twice had my heart broken in a big way. my last relationship ended 3 months ago, and although a few weeks back i felt as though i was doing ok, this past week i have been feeling very upset and hurt. it is so frustrating. anyway....

 

this is my problem now....i am so scared of getting involved with someone again. my last relationship ended very unexpectedly, and knocked the wind out of me. i was deeply in love with him and we were incredibly close. i trusted him greatly. he was quite insecure in himself. i never made him feel insecure and he knows that. i'm so confused.

 

i'm so scared of falling for someone again and then being hurt. i know i'm not over my ex at all, so i don't want to get involved with anyone yet, but i feel so lonely.

 

i am hurting so much inside. i thought i was going so well. we haven't been in contact since we split up, so why am i feeling like this? i feel so alone. my heart is still breaking.

 

i would love some advice from someone/people, who have felt like this before, or are currently going through the same thing.

 

p.s. sorry if this doesn't make much sense. it's hard to describe how i am feeling.

[Tony T]

While it may be hard to describe, there's not one person here who hasn't felt it exactly like you are. It hurts really bad. The emotional pain is immense, like the physical pain would be of having a tooth pulled for days instead of seconds.

 

There are no shortcuts to getting through this and thankfully you haven't tried. So many people try to rush out and find someone new to drown their pain in. That's what is known as a rebound.

 

Now, I have always been very envious of those people who seem to get over things pretty quickly. For many of those, they were getting over it while they were in the relationship. For others, they just weren't really into it that much.

 

But for someone who feels love and other emotions as strongly as you do, it is difficult and the healing takes longer. There are setbacks as well...but you do get better and that's a promise.

 

You are correct. Right now is not the right time to be thinking about relationships. Your level of trust has hit rock bottom. It's hard to sleep, eat, do all those other things we normally enjoy. Your days seem flat, there's always this weird feeling in your stomach...and yes, it does get very lonely. This is part of the healing process. It doesn't go on forever.

 

The great part of the process is when you start getting angry and pissed about what happened. You may get pissed at him for being insecure...and you may get pissed at yourself for being with an insecure wimp instead of a confident MAN.

 

One day soon, you will realize that the thing could have never worked. Your personality and his just couldn't mesh. You loved what you wanted him to be...a whole lot...but you really didn't love the insecure, wimpish part of this guy...you mostly felt sorry for him. And even though he had this great weakness, he was able to suck you right in and put you where you are now.

 

But when you really get pissed and worked up about this, know that it will be just a very short time before you will come out of your shell and realize there's a new day, new people, new experiences, etc. But the greatest thing you will realize is that you are a new, better, larger, smarter, sharper person for having gone through this. And it will never again happen to you...at least not this way.

 

Be kind to yourself, love yourself, have patience with yourself, get out and do things you've wanted to do for a long time, spend time with friends and you'll get through this just fine.

 

And go to a really nice restaurant and order three of the best thing on the menu and eat it all!!! Then go home and get a week's sleep. That'll make you feel better right there.

 

Then you'll have the energy to get really pissed.

[fishbulb]

hi everyone,

i have twice had my heart broken in a big way. my last relationship ended 3 months ago, and although a few weeks back i felt as though i was doing ok, this past week i have been feeling very upset and hurt. it is so frustrating. anyway....

 

this is my problem now....i am so scared of getting involved with someone again. my last relationship ended very unexpectedly, and knocked the wind out of me. i was deeply in love with him and we were incredibly close. i trusted him greatly. he was quite insecure in himself. i never made him feel insecure and he knows that. i'm so confused. i'm so scared of falling for someone again and then being hurt. i know i'm not over my ex at all, so i don't want to get involved with anyone yet, but i feel so lonely. i am hurting so much inside. i thought i was going so well. we haven't been in contact since we split up, so why am i feeling like this? i feel so alone. my heart is still breaking. i would love some advice from someone/people, who have felt like this before, or are currently going through the same thing. p.s. sorry if this doesn't make much sense. it's hard to describe how i am feeling.

This is fishbulb. I'm having exactly that kind of day myself. It's only been a month for me, but it ended the same way, quite abruptly, and we haven't spoken, either. The thing I find myself needing, but not getting, is closure. With our former better halves having control of the reasons, as well as the communication, they are essentially holding us emotional hostage, and they take absolutely no responsibility for our pain even as they hold all the keys...who taught these people their compassion?

[powerpuff]

"With our former better halves having control of the reasons, as well as the communication, they are essentially holding us emotional hostage, and they take absolutely no responsibility for our pain even as they hold all the keys"

 

Fishbulb, I couldn't have expressed it better myself. The ironic thing is, the one person who I really want to talk to about my feelings, has them hostage. So no amount of negotiation is going to change a thing.

 

"...who taught these people their compassion?"

 

I don't think they've even learnt what compassion is yet. Makes you feel as though you're learning a lesson for *them*. i.e. be compassionate! damn shame they piss off so quick to not even realise there's a lesson to be learnt and what compassion is.

 

...god, it bloody hurts learning sometimes....

[fishbulb]

"With our former better halves having control of the reasons, as well as the communication, they are essentially holding us emotional hostage, and they take absolutely no responsibility for our pain even as they hold all the keys"

 

Fishbulb, I couldn't have expressed it better myself. The ironic thing is, the one person who I really want to talk to about my feelings, has them hostage. So no amount of negotiation is going to change a thing. "...who taught these people their compassion?"

 

I don't think they've even learnt what compassion is yet. Makes you feel as though you're learning a lesson for *them*. i.e. be compassionate! damn shame they piss off so quick to not even realise there's a lesson to be learnt and what compassion is. ...god, it bloody hurts learning sometimes....

 

Yeah, I know...I've written about a hundred pages in a temporary journal, not really meant for anyone else to see, and I figure it's a healthy, positive way to vent my frustration and anger and disappointment and...you get the point. It really does seem to help, and it also allows one to go back and distill all that raw emotion into some sort of manageable 'package' that needn't take all ones' energies...this board helps, too. Thank YOU for listening, and by the way, I have Mojo Jojo on my keychain

[powerpuff]

Actually, a journal sounds like a great idea. Very therapeutic too. I can write down how I feel and see how I'm progressing too. I feel like my emotions are all over the place at the moment. Nothing feels right. I just did not expect to be where I am right now. I never thought he would do this to me...oh well, hopefully oneday I will thank him for it when I meet someone great.

 

Thank you for listening too (and Tony ). It really helps a lot :)

[fishbulb]

Actually, a journal sounds like a great idea. Very therapeutic too. I can write down how I feel and see how I'm progressing too. I feel like my emotions are all over the place at the moment. Nothing feels right. I just did not expect to be where I am right now. I never thought he would do this to me...oh well, hopefully oneday I will thank him for it when I meet someone great. Thank you for listening too (and Tony ). It really helps a lot :)

I never expected it, either. Nothing does feel right (at least today), but the journals help...plus, you can burn them if you want (this can be therapeutic, as well), or fold them into little boats and send them down the river...but I would really appreciate any input, from anyone, on how to achieve closure without having to live with that gnawing little feeling that says you'll never know...

[HoNeYCHicA]

Tony...you rock!!! Wow that really picked me up too! LOL...I am still suffering deeply from my breakup and all this court crap and everyone blaming me for it all...I am struggling no doubt, so girl, you aren't so alone and everything Tony just told ya is EXACTLY how you are gonna come out of this!!YEAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!:):)Me too!!!YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!:)...

 

The point you made, Tony, about those of "us" who throw ourselves so totally and completely into our relationships, it is SO RIGHT ON...and it is how I call it; "purgatory" of the emotions...and it is something we MUST go through to get over the pain and move on...it is just a little different and varying in degrees of intensity from person to person--damn I even had to make a list of all the nasty, selfish, hurtful, violent things my ex has said to me and put me through, I read it EVERY DAY just so I stay pissed and don't get back with him, cuz if I ever DID get back with him you probably wouldn't be seeing posts from HoNeYCHicA anymore, so that's my little "coping strategy", it's working so far so good(keepin my fingers crossed)and it makes every day a little easier and more FACTUAL than EMOTIONAL, cuz remember girl, how you FEEL and how things REALLY ARE, are two very different things...Keep your head up ok! I'm ok and YOU'RE ok...another tip: clean your house ALOT!! hehehe...stay REALLY busy busy busy...it helps too!

 

Hugs and Luck!!!

 

HoNeYCHicA