BIL issues

[sushi_pizza]

First off, let me say for what it's worth I haven't done anything! I'm trying to seek advice here because I feel a bit lost and confused. I feel totally guilty and shameful although I haven't done anything other than feel how I feel.

Over the years I've, very slowly, built an attraction for my brother in law that I can't seem to shake. He's my husband's closest and dearest brother.

 

I never even really noticed him before we were married, It always has been that when him and I are together people often assume we are either married or dating. Which is weird to me, because I don't touch him or hold his hand or intentionally do ANYTHING that would ever signify a relationship between us. He does often stand very closely to me, but I think maybe he's just a "close-talker".

 

Since him and my husband have always been so close he comes over often. My husband is a very diligent and hard-working man, so sadly, he's often gone. My brother in law was there for me during some hard times, that I know my husband wishes he could have been there for first. I told my husband, "When your brother is there first to help me, I feel ways for him that I only want to feel for you!" but my husband just says, "My brother is just good at helping people, and I'm glad he's there to help you." I try to say, "Sometimes I suspect he might feel something for me." but he always says, "No, I'm sure he doesn't."

 

As time went on continued some non-verbal cues that he may have been interested, but it was always easy to right it off with an excuse. Then out of nowhere he started clearly avoiding me, which hurt a bit. I didn’t understand what I had said or done that offended him, I just felt bad. I was also embarrassed thinking he finally suspects how I feel and thinks terrible things about me.

A week or two later I got over the embarrassment, then he randomly calls to hang out the two of us. I figure I’m over all of this, and it wont do any harm. So I agree to hang out. I call my husband and let him know what’s going on and he seems fine with it.

 

He comes over and the whole time I just try to repress any feelings I have and play it cool, like it's not a big deal. After he left I let out a huge sigh of relief and my heart started jumping out of my chest! I was practically paralyzed with emotion. I couldn't feel my hands or my feet. I tried to get my mind off of it with some tasks, hobbies, music, anything! But I actually felt depressed. Later that night though, my husband did admit that he thought the whole thing was a little weird. I think my husband started acting suspicious. He would start asking questions he never asked like, "Who are you texting?" and looking through my phone more often. I asked him if he was okay, or if he was suspicious of me but he would deny it. I told him that when his brother took me out it made me feel special in a way I shouldn't feel for him. My husband just said something like, "That's really okay.".

 

I tried to avoid contacts with his brother but that seemed to upset my husband. So I tried to focus on negative about my BIL, but that also doesn't help at all. I can go for months without seeing him, but once I do see him it's like I fall so much harder. I try to just focus on the love I have with my husband, but not even that changes things! My husbands agreed to help me with my loneliness by talking to me more. My husband told me that I shouldn't ask my brother in law directly because it would risk causing too much of a stir in the family. I agree, honestly, I would never want to bring this to surface with him.

 

So sorry for such a long long loooong story that's probably filled with a lot of nothing. I really just had to get it all out because I never want to talk to any of my girl friends or my mother about this and my husband doesn't want to take it seriously.

 

I sort of just want to know how my brother in law likely feels. If he likely has romantic feelings for me, then I can feel justified in totally cutting him off and avoiding him at family get togethers. If he likely doesn't feel anything for me then I may be able to learn to let it go and just be his sister-in-law. It's this, not having the slightest clue, that I can't shake.

Edited April 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Thomas the Red Fox]

Well, I have to commend you for not acting on this really, at least.

 

I would seek counseling though for it. You can't keep internalizing.

[sushi_pizza]

Thanks! I think you're right, I can't keep internalizing it. I want nothing more than to talk to someone who can offer an unbiased opinion. I guess I was hoping that's what this site could offer.

Edited April 15, 2014 by sushi_pizza

[Thomas the Red Fox]

Well, we could all comment with our opinions, but I would seek a therapist that you can really go in-depth with consistently. Because this is a deep issue (not necessarily a big one -- seems you are handling it, but just a deep issue).

 

These days so many people are so careless and narcissistic, so it's refreshing to see you aren't acting on any of that. It's for the best you don't, based on what little info you posted. Though I feel like your husband is in denial, which isn't healthy. Perhaps his disconnection could be fueling your interests.

 

Sounds like maybe you need to talk to him. Not necessarily to say you have feelings for your BIL, but about his disconnection.

[sushi_pizza]

I felt so guilty about this for so long! It's nice to hear your positiveness. I figured only the scum of the earth could possibly fall for in in-law. Plus I've been cheated on before, I would NEVER intentionally put someone else through that pain. No one deserves that.

 

Anyways, I'll take your advice to heart and consider a therapist. It's an interesting point you make about my husband. I'll have to try and think of a way to bring it up to him so he feels comfortable enough not to deny anything.

[Standard-Fare]

Nothing you've described here gives a clear "yes" or "no" answer on whether the BIL has feelings for you. But you seem to believe that some energy is there between you two, and it's also clear you have some feelings for him.

 

If it just remains kind of an unspoken crush and special vibe between you guys, maybe there's no major harm to that, esp. if you guys go several months without seeing each other sometimes. Secret undercurrents like this exist all over the place in life. And it does seem like neither of you would be comfortable exploring it further or pushing the boundaries.

 

But I'm a little confused about your husband's reaction. Are you really as honest with him as you're claiming to be? Because from what you've written here it seems that you're pretty directly telling your husband you have feelings for his brother -- and I can't see why your husband would be so cool with that.

 

Like, did this exchange actually happen like this: "I told him that when his brother took me out it made me feel special in a way I shouldn't feel for him. My husband just said, "That's really okay."

[sushi_pizza]

Yeah, that's what I said to him word for word. Honestly though, I can't recall his word for word reaction, but I just remember that he acted like it was all okay and not as big of a deal as I make it.

The reason he might not care so much, is because ever since we were dating I've always been blunt about who I am attracted to. I'm always sensitive about it, I don't indulge in it. Even if it's just a stranger, I really try to hold myself accountable and tell him. I'm actually, normally more blunt than that but when ever I try to literally say, "I love your brother!" I can't, so wording it like this made it a little easier to admit.

One time he told me that if I cheated on him he "wouldn't know if he would leave me or not". So I'm thinking either he's not in touch with those emotions, or he's in a sort of denial..