Burnout and married life...

[Apathy]

I'm so frustrated with life, work, home.

I feel like now that I have reached my 30s, I'm beginning somekind of teenage-angst phase. I can't fee positive anymore. I feel empty. I feel like I have not accomplish anything in life.

I'm tired of being the perfect daughter, the perfect career woman and the perfect wife. This tiniest reason, disagreements from years before getting married are coming back as a haunting voice: "He's restricting you", "He's too dominant", "He doesn't care about your career, just his"...

 

I have reached a point in which I don't know if a separation will help me put things on perspective, because even thought my husband is a responsible, hard-working and caring man I'm building resentment against him.

 

Is it possible for burnout to kill love in a marriage?

[pragmatic]

I'm not certain that a separation will make you happy. Though you feel resentment towards your husband, he is not necessarily the cause. The wording of your post would indicate that you are not certain that he is the source of the problem.

 

At any rate, I assume that he is aware of your negative feelings; if he is not aware, after all, he may think that things are great, when they are obviously not.

 

He may be going through some similar issues, too. You might be able to help each other as your marriage changes/grows.

 

So to answer your question, burnout can block out a lot in a marriage, including love, if it is left to fester.

 

My suggestion would be to find ways to re-connect - to find ways to put your marriage above the things that are causing your angst.

 

Maybe you can try doing the things that you did together at the beginning of your relationship.

[Apathy]

He does not know about my resentment, he knows about the hopelessness, the frustration, the disatisfaction...

I see myself coming up with plans to leave, away from everyone and everything. I fantasize about how great it'll be to be on my own. I'm always coming up with new plans of a different place to live, a different career...for some reason, so far I feel I need to prove myself...somehow. I feel as I have failed myself and I'm not sure why.

I'm afraid of going ahead, change my life -as it is- and then realize what's wrong with me cannot be remended..and that I actually made the situation worse. But at the same time, I wonder if it is fair for him to be with a person who sees life the way I'm looking at it right now.

[FolderWife]

I have HEARD that it's normal for women to experience this. I've also heard that once a woman turns around and stops being willing to give give give in her relationship, that the man will turn into the giver.

 

It's true in my parents' relationship.

 

Um...Have you considered counselling?

[uberfrau]

"he is restricting you" "he is too dominant" "he doesn't care about your career"

 

Would you care to elaborate?

 

too many women tolerate selfish, brutish, sexuall degrading behavior from a man because our culture trains women to become doormats, and even more pervesely, trains women to LIKE it.

 

If he truly is controlling, and you've tolerated this for some reason, the time to change is NOW. We don't live in the 50's anymore, thank god.

[pragmatic]

Originally posted by uberfrau

 

too many women tolerate selfish, brutish, sexuall degrading behavior from a man because our culture trains women to become doormats, and even more pervesely, trains women to LIKE it.

 

Well, too many women do tolerate bad behavior/poor treatment, and some women are brought up to be doormats etc., but that doesn't sound like the case here.

 

It sounds like a case of thirty-something self-doubt, fairly common apparently (at least on these boards), when many women take stock in their lives, and feel dissatisfied with their situation.

 

Apathy is a career woman, not some Wilma Flintstone-type living under her husbands thumb. She had goals, no doubt, and either she hasn't lived up to them in her eyes, or her goals/objectives have changed over time.

 

I'd bet dollars to dimes that her husband would love to be part of this quest for self-fulfillment, and would feel honored to help her to find her way back.

 

At any rate, I would urge her to explore this with him before making any life changes.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by Apathy

I'm so frustrated with life, work, home.

I feel like now that I have reached my 30s, I'm beginning somekind of teenage-angst phase. I can't fee positive anymore. I feel empty. I feel like I have not accomplish anything in life.

I'm tired of being the perfect daughter, the perfect career woman and the perfect wife. This tiniest reason, disagreements from years before getting married are coming back as a haunting voice: "He's restricting you", "He's too dominant", "He doesn't care about your career, just his"...

 

I have reached a point in which I don't know if a separation will help me put things on perspective, because even thought my husband is a responsible, hard-working and caring man I'm building resentment against him.

 

Is it possible for burnout to kill love in a marriage?

 

 

I can say my wife has/is going thru what you are going thru.

 

We met at 17, married at 24. We are both 34 now have 2 kids, so when have been together half of our lives. She never finished college and only works part-time so she can be with kids more.

 

My wife felt these same things you are experiencing:

 

She questioned if I was the one for her, for the rest of her life

Is what she has now in marriage, all there is….is there more to it than this

She wanted to experience life on her own

She wanted to experience more dating, sex with other men, just to see what its like

She wanted to finish College

She wanted to have her own career and be successful

She wanted the freedom to be her own person.

 

 

Quite simply put, in her own words….she has become selfish for her own wants and needs…and she didn’t know what to do and she didnt want to hurt me in the process of her self discovery.

 

I on the other hand NO CLUE she was feeling this way….because our marriage relationship became stagnant and we didn’t communicate our deepest feelings….and ultimately, she made a huge mistake by having a quasi-on night stand. She confessed what had happened and her feelings and thoughts of were she stood in life. She was very confused as to what she wanted. She loves me and the kids…but she had lost direction in HER life.

 

From that moment, we entered marriage counseling. Have been in it for 6 months. It wasn’t until about the 4th or 5th month, that she finally made the decision to STAY in this relationship and make it work. I on the other hand made the decision to be open to my wifes wants and needs for her desires. With the exception of her being with other men of course.

 

Through MC, we have both discovered that you can still be individuals, yet be in a committed relationship. We now both understand that the needs of one, aren’t necessarily the needs of the other. SO we are both taking effort to meets each others needs and give freedom to each other to reach our dreams as individuals....yet still maintain our actions to be within the bounderies of our marriage relationship.

 

Since then, she is looking for a advancement into supervision at her work and she is planning on going back to college.

 

As far as the wants of dating and living on her own…..she realized that she made the commitment to be married and that she is a wife and mother, and she doesn’t want to jeopardize those things. We have made great strides in rekindling our love for each other, and just the other day she said how happy she is now that she has changed her attitude towards marriage. She loves me more now than she has that last few years….the love faded, but it is coming back full force….because we BOTH decided we wanted to make it work.

 

 

So in your situation, the first thing you need to do is tell your husband EXACTLY how you feel. And that YOU and HE need to make changes to make things right. I also suggest marriage counseling to help you figure this out….it was an immense help for us…and if we didn’t do it….I feel she would have left only to regret it later.

 

If your husband is what you say…controlling, demanding, etc…..THAT NEEDS to change if he wants to save your marriage.

 

In addition to MC, I also suggest 2 books. His Needs, Her Needs (by Harley). and Conscious Loving (by Hendrix). These books have really shown my wife and I that marriage should not be co-dependent…but CO-COMMITTED.

 

 

But the bottom line is….do you love him enough to try?.....LOVE is the key….it takes work…a lot of it. Marriage is not 50/50….its 100/100.

 

It sounds like there is still hope for you and your marriage….all you and he has to do is try…..quitting is the easy way out. And after you expel all your energy in trying to see if it can get back to a loving caring relationship and you still feel unsatisfied in your marriage….then make the tuff decision.

[Apathy]

Originally posted by uberfrau

"he is restricting you" "he is too dominant" "he doesn't care about your career"

 

Would you care to elaborate?

 

too many women tolerate selfish, brutish, sexuall degrading behavior from a man because our culture trains women to become doormats, and even more pervesely, trains women to LIKE it.

 

If he truly is controlling, and you've tolerated this for some reason, the time to change is NOW. We don't live in the 50's anymore, thank god.

 

 

He's a strong-willed person...actually the best way to explain it is: As a human being he believes in always doing the right.

He sees life the way my dad sees it, as a Baby Boomer.

He's not mean to me, never use degrading languag, NEVER EVER has being violent towrds me.

He's just very career-focused, so focused on it that I became a trailing spouse when he found a great job. The problem is that while I found a well-paid job that adds to my resumé, I'm also hating this golden job.

Yet, I cannot quit, because he never intended to marry a housewife. Actually, it is weird, because while he is a baby boomer in the way he sees our responsabilities in this life; he also wants me to keep foucused on my career.

 

BTW, we both are engineers.

[Owl]

You know, the more you describe this, the more it sounds like you're unsatisfied with your LIFE than you are with your MARRIAGE.

 

Sounds a lot like what my wife went through several months ago as well...what she wanted was to "runaway". But, since she couldn't figure out what was wrong, she was sure it had to be ME. She began seperating from me emotionally...end eventually began an online emotional affair with someone else. Her whole "goal" was to "RUNAWAY". Matter of fact, that was their theme song (Runaway, by The Corrs).

 

She ended up not going, we started marriage counseling, and she began being treated for depression. Guess what...she's happier now than she's been in quite a while. And she's VERY happy that she didn't leave me and the kids. Because NOW she realizes that it was the depression...and the lack of communication we had in our marriage. Once we solved those problems, life became a lot better for all of us.

 

What you've described about your situation sounds a LOT like ours. Because of the untreated depression, she couldn't see any other way to fix the problem...so she wanted to bail. Given the issues we had in our marriage (inability to communicate, not able to agree on how to handle kids, money, etc...), it just made matters worse. But...they were NOT insurmountable. Nor were they all my fault...we both had let things get to that point.

 

Bottom line is this...WHAT DO YOU WANT? You sound unhappy, but indecisive too. I'd suggest that you not assume that it's your marriage that has you feeling like this unless you've got some definite things you can point out and say...THAT is why I don't love him anymore!

 

I'd seriously suggest that you get checked for depression...what you've describe sounds a lot like it. I'd also suggest that you both look at counseling, both individual and marriage. You're an engineer...so look at it from an engineering standpoint. Why scrap the whole project just because something doesn't seem to be working right?? Instead, fault isolate, find the problem, FIX the problem, and THEN see where you stand.

 

Also...try TALKING with your husband about this. He's probably feeling the same things, but doesn't know how to talk with you about it.

 

Regardless...good luck!

[Apathy]

Originally posted by Owl

You know, the more you describe this, the more it sounds like you're unsatisfied with your LIFE than you are with your MARRIAGE.

 

Sounds a lot like what my wife went through several months ago as well...what she wanted was to "runaway". But, since she couldn't figure out what was wrong, she was sure it had to be ME. She began seperating from me emotionally...end eventually began an online emotional affair with someone else. Her whole "goal" was to "RUNAWAY". Matter of fact, that was their theme song (Runaway, by The Corrs).

 

She ended up not going, we started marriage counseling, and she began being treated for depression. Guess what...she's happier now than she's been in quite a while. And she's VERY happy that she didn't leave me and the kids. Because NOW she realizes that it was the depression...and the lack of communication we had in our marriage. Once we solved those problems, life became a lot better for all of us.

 

What you've described about your situation sounds a LOT like ours. Because of the untreated depression, she couldn't see any other way to fix the problem...so she wanted to bail. Given the issues we had in our marriage (inability to communicate, not able to agree on how to handle kids, money, etc...), it just made matters worse. But...they were NOT insurmountable. Nor were they all my fault...we both had let things get to that point.

 

Bottom line is this...WHAT DO YOU WANT? You sound unhappy, but indecisive too. I'd suggest that you not assume that it's your marriage that has you feeling like this unless you've got some definite things you can point out and say...THAT is why I don't love him anymore!

 

I'd seriously suggest that you get checked for depression...what you've describe sounds a lot like it. I'd also suggest that you both look at counseling, both individual and marriage. You're an engineer...so look at it from an engineering standpoint. Why scrap the whole project just because something doesn't seem to be working right?? Instead, fault isolate, find the problem, FIX the problem, and THEN see where you stand.

 

Also...try TALKING with your husband about this. He's probably feeling the same things, but doesn't know how to talk with you about it.

 

Regardless...good luck!

 

Thanks for the reply, owl. I do suffer from PAD w/ mild depression, something that started during my teenage years and wasn't properly diagnosed until I was 26.

In my case, I'm not sure is my depression is causing this whole thing or if the situation -hating my job, feeling he cares only about his career, etc.- is the one causing the depression....I guess that's why I sound indecisive. I have tried medication before but the side effects are too much for me to handle.

 

Could it be that we weren't actually meant to be with each other? Let me give you a little background on us. Even though we share the same career background, we are very dissimilar. To the point that people close to us -my best friend, my mother, my sis, his best friend, etc- always asked us with a raised eyebrow "Soo...do you really really like him/her?", "Are you guys really going to get married?", etc.

And it is not that he's a jerk or am a bitch, or based on looks. It just seem weird to our relatives/friends that we were a couple. We even used to joke about our very dissimilar personalities and likings with "the only thing we have in common is engineering." We never -for 5 years- argued.

Could it be that deep down we were really a mismatched couple? Could it be that's why now I'm feeling resentful and lookin back in time to find faults?

 

 

*sigh*

[whichwayisup]

My suggestion would be to find ways to re-connect - to find ways to put your marriage above the things that are causing your angst.

 

Maybe you can try doing the things that you did together at the beginning of your relationship.

 

I agree with the above and all that Owl said...Hehehe...

 

Get back to what makes YOU feel good. Go on vacation together - bring back the FUN into the relationship - be spontanious and laugh. We all get into funks that are depressing and down, that day in and day out routine and yes, it does get boring and makes one question wtf is this?? I know in the past I've looked my husband when I'm not in a good frame of mind and thought to myself, "OH nice...This is the rest of my LIFE???" When I start feeling that way I know it is time to get some fresh air into the relationship and DO something about it...Or talk about it.

[Apathy]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

I agree with the above and all that Owl said...Hehehe...

 

Get back to what makes YOU feel good. Go on vacation together - bring back the FUN into the relationship - be spontanious and laugh. We all get into funks that are depressing and down, that day in and day out routine and yes, it does get boring and makes one question wtf is this?? I know in the past I've looked my husband when I'm not in a good frame of mind and thought to myself, "OH nice...This is the rest of my LIFE???" When I start feeling that way I know it is time to get some fresh air into the relationship and DO something about it...Or talk about it.

 

Not to sound cynical, but...isn't that kind of an oxymoron?

"Bring back the FUN" and "being spontaneous" sound mutually exclusive. If you have to "bring back" something -as in, work on it- then you are planning out that task. You're not being spontaneous. You're forcing something to happen.

[Owl]

Is it possible that you two weren't "meant for each other"? Absolutely...it is possible that you made a major mistake in getting married.

 

But it could well be the fact that you're sitting there with untreated depression and not taking steps to do anything about it. Are you totally comfortable with just tossing in the towel on your marriage and do nothing to try to fix it before you are willing to do something about the depression? Or seek counseling??

 

If so....then do it. You sound like you've already made up your mind. You're looking for reasons to sidestep the advice and suggestions you've been given about working on your marriage so far.

 

As far as going back and spending time doing the "fun things", like dating and such. Great idea. Remember this...ALL marriages require WORK. If you're not willing to WORK for your marriage, then you shouldn't EVER plan on getting married. Just coasting along, hoping everything will work out ok is what got a LOT of us here on LS in the first place...because things WILL go wrong if you don't take action to keep your relationship alive.

 

So you and your husband are different. You should meet me and my wife! The funny thing is, SHE likes the fact that we're different...because it's the differences that make our relationship interesting. She knows things that I'll never know...and I am NOBODY'S fool. Same back to her...because we have different interests and backgrounds. But we share somethings too...and if you don't, you should start looking for things to share!!!

 

It's your life, and your choice. Of course, I'm a jerk and happen to think that your husband is in this marriage, maybe, JUST MAYBE, you should clue him in and let him work WITH you on this choice? Hmmmmm?

[uberfrau]

Originally posted by Apathy

 

 

Not to sound cynical, but...isn't that kind of an oxymoron?

"Bring back the FUN" and "being spontaneous" sound mutually exclusive. If you have to "bring back" something -as in, work on it- then you are planning out that task. You're not being spontaneous. You're forcing something to happen.

 

You aren't cynical at all-you are realistic.

 

THe ugly fact about marriage is that once the adrnelin rush of the first three years rubs off, you are still married.

 

There is nothing wrong with trying and wanting to 'find yourself' I remember feeling very suffocated in my marriage-it's normal to want to fly solo once in awhile.

 

This is the time to try new things-get a hobby, learn a foreign language, go on a vacation with friends, whatever. But do something separate from your husband. You are married, but you aren't joined at the hip. And when you come back, you and hubby will have something to talk about. And maybe you will have missed him in the meantime! and don't EVER feel guilty for taking time that belongs to YOU.

 

There really is nothing you can do to 'bring back the fun' or 'be like how we were in the beginning', because then your are forcing something. Accept it and move on. Marriage Counselors (quacks) make a FORTUNE deluding people that they can 'bring 'it' back'. Same with those pop psychology self-help books like 'How to have an affair-with your spouse"

 

Owl's advice on these matters is 'unhappy with hubby? you must be depressed! Take a pill.'

[Apathy]

Thanks for both replies.

Owl, I understand your position, coming from what you have experimented with your wife. Not to make excuses, but I have tried several drugs to treat my condition; they made me feel so bad that I prefer to suffer thru the 'hi's' and 'lo's' cold turkey. I had visited different shrinks and therapists; and nothing had helped me. Yes, there's was some sense of relief on knowing that wasn't going crazy; but yet I cannot snap out of the hopelessness-empty feelings.

Have you read what Paxil is causing to people? The withdrawal symptoms...yes, I felt that. I know that depression/ anxiety is like any other disease; but I really don't think happiness should come from a pill. Nor I believe I should play "make believe" that I'm having fun. Fun is no fun when you have to work at it.

 

Is not that I have really made up my mind yet about the future of our marriage...I just think is not fair to rub my misery on him, when I know deep down he's not at fault...that's I'm just miserable for some unexplained reason. Maybe, that's why I'm considering the separation; because the misery of having to deal with myself -hating the job, that freakin' hole, the restlessness, etc- is transforming into resentment towards him.

 

I don't know if the burnout has turn me into a numb person...I dunno...I guess I'm just being incoherent...

[whichwayisup]

My husband and I are so different. He's more serious, I'm more silly. Together we balance and we fit. We don't spend every minute together, he has things he loves to do on his own or with his guy friends. There are things I do on my own and times I spend time with my friends. We don't HAVE to be together all the time, neither of us actually want to spend all our time together either. I personally think I'd go INSANE if I did. He drives me nuts just as much as I know I drive him nuts too!

 

I could sit and list all of our differences...Realistically we're opposites in so many ways - but I love him and he loves me. We both make it work because we want to.

 

Not to sound cynical, but...isn't that kind of an oxymoron?

"Bring back the FUN" and "being spontaneous" sound mutually exclusive. If you have to "bring back" something -as in, work on it- then you are planning out that task. You're not being spontaneous. You're forcing something to happen.

 

You do sound cynical and it seems you're looking for reasons NOT to try and make it work. You need to really do some soul searching and decide what it is you actually want. You're analyzing my words against yourself. When I say be spontaneous - I mean just that!! Go out but no plans- whatever happens happens kind of thing. It doesn't have to be so cut and dry.

 

Going to a bed and breakfast, just spending quality time together, seeing a movie that you both would find funny, anything...Play frisbee in the park!! (SO what if it is winter!! Go sledding down hills!!

 

Keep an open mind about this, that's all I am saying. Don't take what I said so literally and pick it apart. I may have worded it wrong I don't know!! But you get my drift.

 

Good luck!!

[whichwayisup]

Is not that I have really made up my mind yet about the future of our marriage...I just think is not fair to rub my misery on him, when I know deep down he's not at fault...that's I'm just miserable for some unexplained reason. Maybe, that's why I'm considering the separation; because the misery of having to deal with myself -hating the job, that freakin' hole, the restlessness, etc- is transforming into resentment towards him.

 

I don't know if the burnout has turn me into a numb person...I dunno...I guess I'm just being incoherent...

 

Because of this, now it definately not the right time to make that kind of decesion. See a therapist if you're feeling low and depressed.

 

I suffer from an anxiety disorder. For a year now I've been seeing a therapist and I'm doing alot better and coping with my life in general SO much better as well. During my bad times, my relationship with my husband suffered. Not his fault, not my fault...Just a s***ty time for both of us. I never ONCE thought I should leave him. I was feeling down about myself, I'd just been layed off from my job after 12 years because of downsizing and it was only a matter of time before my turn came. IT sucked! I went from being a productive part of society working my tail off everyday to someone who allowed this disorder to takeover my life, get mildly depressed and vegged out. I was in a bad place emotionally, felt horrible and lonely. But it got better. Through the help of my husband, my family and lots of encouragement.

 

My relationship with my husband is so much better, I think we're closer now than we ever were. We talk alot more now...And he also saw me at my worst. He didn't give up on me - I know he'd never do that...Yes, I'm sure in his head there could have been times when he wanted to say SCREW THIS and leave, but he would never do that to me, nor is he the type of person to walk out on me during my lowest time.

 

IF you had an illness like cancer or something you'd rely on him. You would need him and love him, hold him close to you. Think of what you are going through now as a temperary illness. You're not yourself. You don't feel good, you're not happy in general - I can relate to you totally on this!! SO DO something about it by seeing someone who can help you through this and get your life back.

 

Just a suggestion, take it or leave it.

 

All the best.

[Apathy]

Sorry to get out of topic, but I NEED TO VENT OUT!!

An excerpt from a document at work....

 

"Now **** expects ***** to reach 110 percent of goal to reach supervisory approval. The significant part of **** who rate succesfully at 95 to 109 percent understand that they are on the edge of being pushed out of ****."

 

 

Arghhhh! Imagine being kicked out of a job just because you didn't produce to a level over 110%!!!!

I freakin HATE this job!

 

 

(...and yes, I've been looking for another job with no luck so far...)

[Nine]

Hi Apathy,

 

Geez what kind of company are you working for? That document is pretty harsh. What's up with that? It's a good thing that you are looking for a new job.

 

Well, you have received some pretty varied opinions on this thread. I guess I'd like to add mine to the bunch (hope you don't mind).

 

This struck me...

 

 

He's just very career-focused, so focused on it that I became a trailing spouse when he found a great job. The problem is that while I found a well-paid job that adds to my resumé, I'm also hating this golden job.

Yet, I cannot quit, because he never intended to marry a housewife. Actually, it is weird, because while he is a baby boomer in the way he sees our responsabilities in this life; he also wants me to keep foucused on my career.

 

Why can't you quit? Why is he the boss of you? Do you want to keep focused on your career? Or do you feel something else is waiting for you?

 

Apathy, dear, this is your life. Not his. If he loves you, he wants you to be happy. I think I'd be pretty depressed in this situation too. Take care of yourself and I bet you'll start feeling better. Trust your insticts.

 

I do recommend getting a good therapist to act as your guide.

 

I do agree that it would be helpful to talk to your h about how your feeling. However, if he belittles you or bosses you...forget about him and focus on yourself.

 

Take care and keep posting!

Nine

 

P.S. Vacations can be great, but not if you are going to feel resentful the whole time. Then it's a waste of $$ and time.

[Owl]

Apathy-

 

Clinical depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. You should be taking anti-depressants TO COUNTERBALANCE AN EXISTING PROBLEM. Happiness doesn't come in a pill. But balancing out the chemical's in someone's brain so that they're now NORMAL makes sense. Living your life feeling like crap and putting you AND your husband through this just because you don't like the idea of taking the medication you need is the real shame.

 

If you're only reason for not taking these is because you feel happiness shouldn't come in a pill, then you really need to stop and think about this LOGICALLY for a change. You have a problem. You've been diagnosed by doctor's in the past, but you're not treating the problem. And now, you're thinking about bailing on your marriage because you're not happy...when it really appears that the reason your not happy is because you're not taking the treatments that the doctor's recommended?!?!! Does this make the least bit of sense to you?!?!?! It really doesn't to me!

 

You don't like the side-affects. Guess what...I really don't like the side-affects that the anti-depressants have had on my wife either...the lack of "desire" has made things noticeably difficult at times, especially given what we've gone through. But, I would still rather do without that as much as I might like rather than have her feeling horrible about everything like she was! Even she feels that way. Guess it really is up to you to decide which you'd rather have...but remember, your husband will also be dealing with the consequences of your choice too. That's how marriages work.

 

Uberfrau-

 

I find you pretty amusing. You are the ONLY person on this board that I've seen who prescribes to your own personal views. Your relationship with your husband must be incredibly shallow given all that you've suggested and stated here. I can't imagine what it must be like to live with someone so totally wrapped in herself...I'm truly glad that I'll never find out. BTW, if you READ her post...I was RIGHT that she isn't being treated for depression... So the whole "she's not happy so she needs a pill" comment....puh-leese....you're recommendations always seem to be "she's not happy so she needs to go screw someone besides her husband". UBERFRAU??? NIEN, Ich denke das ist besser, UBERHUND!

[Nine]

Apathy,

 

You mentioned you were diagnosed with PAD and mild depression. What is PAD?

 

Owl,

 

I know lots of people who have great success with anti-depressants and the lot. Others haven't. We are all different. I am sure that at some time or another I have been diagnosed with depression by my therapist. I don't ask cuz I don't want to know what he tells the insurance companies.

 

I don't take any drugs and I never have for depression. I go through dark times when dealing with memories or life issues that are difficult to deal with. I work through this my own way, and that doesn't mean that the way other people deal with it is wrong. It just isn't for me.

 

It sounds to me that Apathy has valid reasons for being depressed. And she is questioning those things. That is good. Maybe she will find that anti-depressants are helpful to her in the future...maybe not. Her decision, don't you think?

 

Nine

 

P.S. Oh, by the way, I am married and our relationship is doing pretty good. Even when I am feeling down. I don't take it out or retract from my h(well at least most of the time, but hey I am human) :-)

[portableversion]

Apathy I can appreciate the stress your job has placed on you. We spend a lot of time working. Too much in my opinion. Too bad we're not in France where overtime is banned! And all have access to good healthcare and 2 months of paid vacations and never working 40hrs/wk You also gotta count the time it takes to get ready and to arrive at work, that is also time our jobs steal from us, and then you have to wind down afterwards.

I had a crappy job at the Hilton in Springfield, il. The management was brutal and uncaring. The abuse on the job was starting to blight my view of the world. "Am I damned to be a slave to punks to don't care about me as much as their profits?"

Think of this we get to vote on election day and once the curtain is closed our political power has essentially ended. We are at the mercy of our bosses and its only luck that we can get a good boss. If we get a horrible tyrant you just have to take it. Most of our time is under the thumbs of someone we didn't vote for yet they can make or break our lives.

I suggest that while trying to find another job try to form a union, if one is not there already. If already union get involved. I found that fighting a mean boss through a grievance procedure to be very fufilling, and good for my spirit. We gotta stop taking this crap from our corporate masters.

[Owl]

Nine-

 

I take your point. But here is the kicker... if she DOES withdrawl from her husband, if she does pull back from him because she's depressed (like my wife did with me), then it affects him too!

 

The biggest issue in my mind is that they should both be TALKING about what the best course of action...yes, it's her body and her choice. But her choices about this affect THEIR marriage. So they both should have input on the decision, but ultimately how she decides to handle it is her option.

 

She hasn't talked with her husband about how she's feeling. My wife didn't either...and in our case it grew into an increasing seperation that led to her having an emotional affair. That lack of communication is the biggest killer...and if ONE of them doesn't take steps to do something about it, then they are doomed. She's already feeling like all the problems are based on her marriage...but I personally didn't see anything in her post that showed what was wrong with their marriage. Sure, her husband is job-focused, but read the ghist of her message again, and you'll see that she appears to be just the same.

 

 

Apathy-

My advice stands. TALK WITH YOUR HUSBAND. Don't hide the problem from him...while you're doing that, there is absolutely no chance that he can do anything about it. I would be money he already knows that there is something wrong...but he doesn't know what it is, and doesn't know what to do about it.

 

There's a book called "20 (Suprisingly Simple) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" by Dr Steve Stephens. It's cheap, and it's good. Take a look at that, and try reading that with your husband. You'll be amazed at how basic, but how needed, the advice in that book can be.

 

Above all...start communicating with him. At least then, if things still fall through, you'll feel like you gave your marriage the chance it deserves.

[Apathy]

My husband knows about my "problems" -not directly about the resentment- and it does not makes sense to him that people can just be depressed. He thinks people can snap out of this feeling. "Hey' it's just sadness!"

I even bought him a book: "Depression fallout", is somewhere in the house collecting dust. I highlighted from the book how exactly does it feel to feel like this. How can he help me is he doesn't understand this thing?

[Nine]

Hi Apathy,

 

How did your husband react when you gave him the book? Did he read it?

 

Nine