Relationships and AA

[PensivePachyderm]

Hi there,

 

I was hoping to get some insight on this. I have recently been re-connected with a man whom I've known from my home town years ago. We were a couple years apart, so didn't go to school together and so I didn't know him that well. About 5 years ago, we met at my work where he had just started, recognized each other, and there was a spark between us even though I was in a relationship at the time.

 

During the time that we worked together, we were at a party and ended up going home together. We were both very drunk, but knew what we were doing. This happened on a couple occasions, then I got back with my boyfriend and he moved away. Years passed and we have kept in touch over the months periodically, and other relationships have come and gone. Then, last fall, he admitted via an email that he had a drinking problem and started going to AA. He has been in the program for 7 months now.

 

Back to present. He moved back, and we met a couple months ago for coffee and had a wonderful conversation about life in general etc. It was a breath of fresh air being around him, and I realized we had a lot in common minus the booze. The attraction was still there, and we both admitted it. We have since kept in touch, and I went to stay with him for a weekend(we live nearby in different cities). Had a great time together, talking, and also intimately. We didn't have sex, but just kissed and had profound moments of tenderness.

 

We talked about where we were both at. I am 38 and want a family, and someone to build a life with. He is 37 and wants the same thing and told me he likes me and our time together but also said that he is just getting to know who he is through his recovery. I really feel a lot for this man, and my question is, how can I be a support through his recovery, while still having romantic feelings? I don't want to come in between his journey, and want him to do what is right for him, so there is no pressure. Please help!

 

Thank you :-)

[d0nnivain]

AA & other programs like it tell participants to avoid starting a new relationship until they have been sober -- with no slip ups -- for at least one year.

 

 

You are pushing him to do something the program doesn't want him to do.

[jphcbpa]

I suggest for you to start going to Alanon meetings.

 

I have been sober nearly 11 years and attend both. Wonderful programs.

 

IMO, take it slow and go even slower with the physical aspect of the R. He is going to change over the course of the next year if he is really working the program.

 

Let me ask you...

 

Does he have a sponsor?

Is he working the steps (actively)?

If he has completed them, is he sponsoring others? Working with others will give him the joy/purpose he was seeking in the drink. This is a must.

Does he have a home group?

Is he attending meetings at least 4 to 5 days per week?

 

Side note that may or may not apply, but in my experience most of the men in AA are sex and love addicts as well.

 

Additionally, you should take note there is a reason you two are picking each other. Seek out what that is and work on that in you.

Edited April 15, 2014 by jphcbpa

[preraph]

Yeah, he can't have sex and isn't supposed to have relationships for the first year. So tell him you understand that and can't wait until the year is up! Recovering alcoholics/addicts have a lot of catching up and raw emotions and maturing to do once they get off it. My friend has now been sober 20 years, but for the first few years after her sobriety, she was a grown woman but she had the mindset of a college girl: idealistic, still believed in fairytales, etc. Addiction truly does stunt your maturity growth, so if you get along while they're drinking, you may not when they're sober.

 

Just let him know you know the rules.