Boyfriend went to a music festival without me

[tammynyc]

Hey guys, so my boyfriend went to Coachella without me this past weekend. I was supposed to go, but couldn't get away from work. My boyfriend and I have a great relationship. He is charming, cute, funny, smart basically an all around great guy. Which is what worries me sometime. I know girls are attracted to him. I have trust issues. He is well aware of them. Two of my ex boyfriends have cheated on me in the past. We talked about this. He reassured me he would never do that to me, he loved me, and he was different. This was the first guy I was starting to actually trust.

 

Then he went to the festival this weekend. The whole time I had a horribly gut feeling. Maybe it was just my insecurities, I'm not really sure. The first night he was there, it was fine. We talked sporadically throughout the day. The second day I went out with my friends because I was going crazy thinking about what he was doing, so I wanted to distract myself. We ended up going back to my friend's guy friends place to hang and listen to music. Meanwhile one of the guys that was there was hitting on me the whole night, but I kept telling him about my amazing boyfriend. Then my boyfriend called me, and asked what i was doing, who I was with. I told him, and he flipped out that I was at a guys house late at night. This was a party! It wasn't just me and a guy. I was on the phone with him in the bathroom, and then things escalated and I ended up hysterically crying because he said he wanted to take a break. And my phone died right after. Everyone at the party was telling me that clearly our relationship is toxic, and unhealthy. Im sure thats what it seemed like, but this hasn't happend to this extent before. He does get jealous, and he has told me before he doesn't feel safe with me, as in he doesn't fully trust me. I do everything in my power to make him feel secure in how I feel about him, and would never do anything behind his back.

 

So the next day, I wake up to a text saying he loves me and hes sorry. So I call him, and we talk it out. And he said he didn't want to talk to me last night because he felt like I was lying and drunk. Meanwhile, I was sober and talking about him the whole night. So I thought things were fine. Then, he went to the festival and didnt text or call me all day and night, which is odd because he promised he would. So I called him, and he didnt pick up. This was 3 AM so the festival was long done. Instead of calling me, he texts me "hey just hanging out and finishing all our drugs with a bunch of new friends I met. Well talk tomorrow. Night" So this is super shady in my opinion. No I love you, nothing. The way he always says after every end of the convo. So i have a pit in my stomach because something doesnt feel right. I feel terrible waiting the whole next day for a text that never came. He texted me tonight when he arrived back home saying "Im back baby!" and that was it. No explanation.

 

The thing that hurts the most, is him knowing I have these trust issues and being fully aware I would not be able to sleep and worry about him. Yet, he did nothing to mitigate the little thoughts in my head as I ALWAYS do for him. I dont know if he cheated on me or not. It just doesn't feel right. I have not responded to the text. I will wait till tomorrow morning.

 

Also he was obviously on drugs and alcohol during this 4 day trip the whole time, which i expressed my concerns about. He said it doesn't impair his judgement and he has never cheated on a girl before. That I would be the first, so I shouldn't worry about it because thats not who he is.

 

What do you think?

[Poppyolive]

I'm a music festival goer...its a different world, let loose forget about work, stresses have drinks, do some drugs , listen to music, dance, laugh, passout do it all again....you are removed from the real world. So I'd cut him some slack and watch what he says about the festival and his actions....

 

Work on your insecurities and he needs to work on his...

 

One thing that does stand out from your post was when he got angry about where you were and he wanted a break....I'd BRING that up once his festival head clears. Also keep in mind he was doing drugs, drinking...and out of reality. Trust your gut.

[Leigh 87]

I think he cheated. It's so not cool to go to festivals loaded with drugs and alcohol without your partner.

 

I'd break up with him. Do you WANT to get bad gut feelings about the man you love?

 

Do you think you will ever feel totally safe secure and healthy within this relationship?

 

It sounds toxic.

[pickflicker]

I go to music festivals, and would support a partner going if I couldn't go and would hope that the feeling would be mutual.

 

I don't understand this need to extract assurances from a partner that they won't cheat on you. Saying the words is easy, actually standing by those words is entirely different. You have to have faith in them. We can swear up and down that we'll never hurt another person, and for the most part, we'll be able to keep that promise by being a decent human being. Other times, we won't. It's just what human interaction is like. You take the good with the bad, you give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

Sounds like both of you have some trust issues. You can't attend a party without him thinking you're cheating, and he can't attend a music festival without you extracting a promise that he won't cheat. And then you were suspicious all weekend anyway, so there really wasn't any point bringing it up in the first place.

 

Work on the trust issues.

 

Meanwhile, I might be a total nerd, but I remain stone-cold sober at gigs/music festivals. I want to remember every moment. Mind-altering substances do not help with the remembering of the awesome gig. But that's just me.

[Arieswoman]

A friend of mine's b/f went to Glastonbury without her because they couldn't get child-care for their son.

 

He ended up copping off with another female and came back and dumped her.

 

IMO these Festivals are toxic to relationships and are best avoided.

 

If your b/f does drugs then he should be avoided.

 

In any event he needs to be tested for STDs before you go any further.

 

Maybe you need to work on your "trust issues", maybe you don't. Just because you have trust issues doesn't mean someone isn't cheating.

 

Personally, I don't think this relationship soounds very healthy.

 

Good Luck.

[tammynyc]

First of, Thank you all for taking the time to respond. You guys should charge for this

 

 

I completely understand that being at a music festival is like being in a fantasy world. Everything is wonderful and there are no problems. The thing is the first day he was texting me at the festival saying things like “I miss you, this would be so much better if you were here. I wish we could have experienced this together.” Then the second and third day I got absolutely no texts. I’m not a clingy girlfriend by any means, I always let him have his space. But when my boyfriend promises me he will text me, he knows I will be waiting for that text. And then to basically go MIA for 2 days besides to tell me hes hanging with “these new friends” is warranted for me to be suspicious and not trusting, I believe.

 

What I think happened was him and his buddies met a group of girls the second day of the festival and partied with them for the remainder of the trip…and who knows what could have happened?

 

What should I reply to his text message? I’m sure he realizes something is wrong when I didn’t respond. I do want to see him face to face so we can talk about this weekend, not over the phone.

[ExpatInItaly]

First of, Thank you all for taking the time to respond. You guys should charge for this

 

 

I completely understand that being at a music festival is like being in a fantasy world. Everything is wonderful and there are no problems. The thing is the first day he was texting me at the festival saying things like “I miss you, this would be so much better if you were here. I wish we could have experienced this together.” Then the second and third day I got absolutely no texts. I’m not a clingy girlfriend by any means, I always let him have his space. But when my boyfriend promises me he will text me, he knows I will be waiting for that text. And then to basically go MIA for 2 days besides to tell me hes hanging with “these new friends” is warranted for me to be suspicious and not trusting, I believe.

 

What I think happened was him and his buddies met a group of girls the second day of the festival and partied with them for the remainder of the trip…and who knows what could have happened?

 

What should I reply to his text message? I’m sure he realizes something is wrong when I didn’t respond. I do want to see him face to face so we can talk about this weekend, not over the phone.

 

All I would text is, "I would like to meet on X day, at x time. Are you available?" and leave it at that. Don't mention anything about the festival or ask questions over text. Wait until you can meet in person so you can gauge his reaction. Something isn't right here.

[Leigh 87]

Just ask to see him before saying anything.

 

When you see him, simply say " look, something doesn't feel right, can you please just tell me exactly what happened so we can decide where to go from here"

 

 

It will be obvious if something feels off.

[Keenly]

I have two points to make.

 

First, you and your boyfriend had the opportunity to go to coachella. A rare and exciting opportunity. You then couldn't go because of work. Was he just supposed to cancel and sit around the house because you had to work? If that's what you expected him to do because of your scheduling misfortune, that's completely unfair.

 

 

 

Also, Your trust issues are exactly that, YOUR issues. It is not his job to comfort you when he goes out to have fun without you, to constantly reassure your insecurities. Its your emotionalbaggage to deal with, and he is not responsible for maintaining your self esteem and babying your emotional side like that.

 

I don't think this dude was ever unfaithful to you. I just think you are mad that hr had the nerve to go when you couldn't ( hardly fair to be mad about ) and I think you are mad because he didn't give in and spend the whole time nurturing your insecurities .

[Leigh 87]

LOL.

 

 

 

It is a music festival, with hot girls in skanky clothes.

 

 

 

 

He SHOULD have at least called/texted her once a day, it is obvious that you just don't go AWOL on your partner at a music festival, we all know what goes on at those types of events.

 

 

 

 

I would want one call a day, just for my bf to say " I love you, I wish you were here enjoying it with me"

 

 

 

 

The OP should have established this before he left... saying " look, I REALLY just need one call a day just to touch base..... I WILL get uncomfortable if you just don't contact me for a day or more..."

 

 

 

 

That is all she needed to say.

 

 

 

 

 

Also, drugs.... That is an issue in and of itself.

[Chi townD]

BOTH of you has trust issues. And I'm going to speculate that the both of you not only drink at these parties but probably smoke some weed too. Not busting on you but ,do you know what is the number one symptom of smoking pot is? Drum roll please!.........PARANOIA!!!!!

 

 

I think the both of you need to sit down and talk this out. He could have very well met some girls at the festival, doesn't mean he cheated on you with them.

[shet]

I dunno, I think he sounds legit. Drink and drugs don't make cheating an inevitability at all. Music festivals are usually pretty chilled out. Just think the fun you'd have had if you'd gone. If you can't join him doing stuff he wants to do, it's healthy to let him do it himself. The time will come when you expect that in return. Not reassuring you like you want him to is a different, communication issue.

[pickflicker]

A friend of mine's b/f went to Glastonbury without her because they couldn't get child-care for their son.

 

He ended up copping off with another female and came back and dumped her.

 

IMO these Festivals are toxic to relationships and are best avoided.

 

If your b/f does drugs then he should be avoided.

 

In any event he needs to be tested for STDs before you go any further.

 

Maybe you need to work on your "trust issues", maybe you don't. Just because you have trust issues doesn't mean someone isn't cheating.

 

Personally, I don't think this relationship soounds very healthy.

 

Good Luck.

 

Rubbish. That person was a f*ckwit. He could cheat on his missus at Glastonbury, or he could have it off in the stock room at the back of the grocery store with the checkout chick. The environment didn't make him a f*ckwit, he already was one.

[Arieswoman]

pickflicker,

Well all I can say is that there must be quite a few f*ckwit$ about.

 

I guy I knew at Uni (not a b/f) also went to one of these festivals in UK. His sleeping bag got wet so a girl he met there invited him to share hers.

 

About a week after he got back he started to feel unwell, pain on urination, fever, came out in a rash, itching between fingers and toes, conjunctivitis, snuffles, itchy pubes.

 

It turned out he had gonorrhea, crabs, scabies, chicken pox and glandular fever. He was off uni for 6 weeks.

 

That's why I said I'm not a fan of festivals.....

[Babolat]

We ended up going back to my friend's guy friends place to hang and listen to music. Meanwhile one of the guys that was there was hitting on me the whole night, but I kept telling him about my amazing boyfriend.

This bugs me..and I am not the jealous or insecrue type. If you want to go with your friends to a festival, go and have fun and I don't need periodic updates. I don't think your bf going alone was wrong at all. I assume you were invited, you said you could not make it.

 

But why did you let a man hit on you, and why did you share this with, us? How can you put yourself in a "not so good place" where bad things can happen, yet your bf, cannot?

[Babolat]

LOL.

 

 

It is a music festival, with hot girls in skanky clothes.

 

 

He SHOULD have at least called/texted her once a day, it is obvious that you just don't go AWOL on your partner at a music festival, we all know what goes on at those types of events.

 

 

I would want one call a day, just for my bf to say " I love you, I wish you were here enjoying it with me"

 

The OP should have established this before he left... saying " look, I REALLY just need one call a day just to touch base..... I WILL get uncomfortable if you just don't contact me for a day or more..."

 

 

That is all she needed to say.

 

 

Also, drugs.... That is an issue in and of itself.

 

It's a music festival, not an orgy or sex festival.

 

She got her "I miss you" texts Day 1, then the blow up. I think it's normal to not get them after that. He pretty much said "I want to enjoy the rest of my time here", which I think is fair. I would not spend the rest of my time there trying to "patch us up" over text/phone.

 

Work on your insecurities OP. And, this one may not be the best match for you, if you can't.

[Babolat]

pickflicker,

Well all I can say is that there must be quite a few f*ckwit$ about.

 

I guy I knew at Uni (not a b/f) also went to one of these festivals in UK. His sleeping bag got wet so a girl he met there invited him to share hers.

 

About a week after he got back he started to feel unwell, pain on urination, fever, came out in a rash, itching between fingers and toes, conjunctivitis, snuffles, itchy pubes.

 

It turned out he had gonorrhea, crabs, scabies, chicken pox and glandular fever. He was off uni for 6 weeks.

 

That's why I said I'm not a fan of festivals.....

 

1 guy and girl, out of how many? I think you are reading way to much into these festivals. And, last I read here, you were planning to go, too.

[d0nnivain]

Wayyyy too much freaking drama & not enough trust. This relationship is unhealthy. The music festival is just a symptom.

 

 

You shouldn't need to have to check in with your partner multiple times a day. that's ridiculous.

 

 

He shouldn't have gotten mad that you were at a party especially because he was going to the music festival. I wonder if he reacted so poorly because he had something to hide.

 

 

He should have called you at least once during the festival but no more than that. You should have been OK with limited contact while he was busy. Remember before cell phones, the people involved in something like this might not have heard from one another for DAYS. yet, life went on.

 

 

I agree that his text about doing drugs with friends was sketchy. If it had been all men, he would have said guys. The fact that he does drugs at all would be the deal breaker for me. The fact that he's stupid enough to admit an illegal act in a unsecure form of communication that could be used as evidence against him later really makes me want to run for the hills.

 

 

I agree with everybody at the party who said you were toxic. However, until YOU learn to trust, no relationship will be better than this.

 

 

My husband is going to a music festival over Memorial Day weekend. I am absolutely thrilled that I don't have to go. I can't think of too many things more awful than this festival. He's going with a group that is mostly women. I'm sure I'll see the pictures on FB & there will be plenty of temptation around plus alcohol (& as much as I hate it I'm sure there will be drugs not in the group but at the event). I have no qualms whatsoever about him going without me & I'm certain he will be faithful.

[atlg8r]

I always thought I had insecurity/trust issues in previous relationships. I would be the same as the OP - if my bf didn't call or text frequently, or if his phone went to VM, I'd freak out. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat. The guys would always convince me somehow it was ME and MY issues.

 

Funny - my fiance who I'm marrying next month does not cause these feelings in me at ALL. Like, zero. Not once since we've been dating has he neglected to call me or text me when he said he would. If he's late, he calls to tell me what's up. He gives me hundreds of reasons to trust him and believe that he loves me and only me, and no reasons to feel insecure or distrustful of him. I haven't once felt like I couldn't relax, go to sleep or eat because I was worried about where he was or what he was doing, and I don't see him for the whole work week because of our jobs and living separately.

 

I would get out of this relationship if I were you. Relationships and marriage are hard enough without compounding the usual stress of life with unnecessary problems.

[Arieswoman]

Babalat, post 17#

 

And, last I read here, you were planning to go, too.

 

Errrr, noooooo.......

[MidwestUSA]

pickflicker,

Well all I can say is that there must be quite a few f*ckwit$ about.

 

I guy I knew at Uni (not a b/f) also went to one of these festivals in UK. His sleeping bag got wet so a girl he met there invited him to share hers.

 

About a week after he got back he started to feel unwell, pain on urination, fever, came out in a rash, itching between fingers and toes, conjunctivitis, snuffles, itchy pubes.

 

It turned out he had gonorrhea, crabs, scabies, chicken pox and glandular fever. He was off uni for 6 weeks.

 

That's why I said I'm not a fan of festivals.....

 

Eeeew! Good lord, what are the odds one could contract ALL of that?

 

 

No ringworm?

[Candy_Pants]

Have you ever been to Coachella Fest? It's not an orgy. It is like 20 stages.all playing different types of music, and you can.stay busy all day. Everyone is friendly and it's easy to make new friends.

 

I think your insecurities are getting the best of you.

[Babolat]

Babalat, post 17#

 

 

 

Errrr, noooooo.......

 

Post #1 "I was supposed to go, but couldn't get away from work"

 

Yes, she was supposed to go.

[Babolat]

Eeeew! Good lord, what are the odds one could contract ALL of that?

 

 

No ringworm?

 

Yeah, and we all know these had to come from THAT bad girl at the festival... Or her bad, sleeping bag.

[pickflicker]

pickflicker,

Well all I can say is that there must be quite a few f*ckwit$ about.

 

I guy I knew at Uni (not a b/f) also went to one of these festivals in UK. His sleeping bag got wet so a girl he met there invited him to share hers.

 

About a week after he got back he started to feel unwell, pain on urination, fever, came out in a rash, itching between fingers and toes, conjunctivitis, snuffles, itchy pubes.

 

It turned out he had gonorrhea, crabs, scabies, chicken pox and glandular fever. He was off uni for 6 weeks.

 

That's why I said I'm not a fan of festivals.....

 

This isn't news. People cheat all the time. The last statistic I read from an Australian sexual health survey, was that nearly 70% of relationships had experienced infidelity. It is not the festival. It's the person.