lucy_in_disguise Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 Melvymanns comments actually hold some merit as they pertain to my own arousal, though I dunno aout the whole religious and evolutionary spin -and I am sure everyone is different. Most of my fantasies involve some element of submission, which I believe is true for a large portion of women - look at how popular 50 shades of gray was. I don't actually want to be gang banged or raped, but it's a turn on to fantasize about it. Like (I imagine to be true for) most women, I am not comfortable sharing this with my partner. That has nothing to do with the bible for me personally, so much as being afraid of being judged and/ or misunderstood- not to mention, I'm not sure he would have much interest in exploring those fantasies. I am happy to "make love" to my boyfriend, but it would be a huge turn on if he took the reins more in (and outside of the) bed. Unfortunately my experience has been that most men ALSO enjoy when their partner takes charge. Maybe it's a symptom of our demanding lives to want to let go of control in the bedroom. 2
Author A1135 Posted April 19, 2014 Author Posted April 19, 2014 Melvymanns comments actually hold some merit as they pertain to my own arousal, though I dunno aout the whole religious and evolutionary spin -and I am sure everyone is different. Most of my fantasies involve some element of submission, which I believe is true for a large portion of women - look at how popular 50 shades of gray was. I don't actually want to be gang banged or raped, but it's a turn on to fantasize about it. Like (I imagine to be true for) most women, I am not comfortable sharing this with my partner. That has nothing to do with the bible for me personally, so much as being afraid of being judged and/ or misunderstood- not to mention, I'm not sure he would have much interest in exploring those fantasies. I am happy to "make love" to my boyfriend, but it would be a huge turn on if he took the reins more in (and outside of the) bed. Unfortunately my experience has been that most men ALSO enjoy when their partner takes charge. Maybe it's a symptom of our demanding lives to want to let go of control in the bedroom. I think my wife would like this, the whole being submissive but I am not sure how to test the water. About 5 yrs ago she got really into an online game called imvu, I did catch her having cyber (she dosent know I know) she was in dom/sub rooms when she was doing it. So I know she likes the idea but not sure how to play it out.
giotto Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 your wife is not your lover anymore, she is a mother. That's it. Some women regain their sexiness eventually, most of them don't. Motherhood just doesn't go away because a child gets older. The challenges are still there, they are just different. This is the reality of having children. I discovered that myself. Your wife is the motherly type and always be. My wife was the same. Great at the beginning, downward spiral after the kids. Also, don't forget that your relationship is not new anymore. All your wife wants is a peaceful, comfortable life with you and your child in a nice house. Sex doesn't enter in the equation. You will be joining the sexless brigade very soon... not your fault, it's the luck of the draw.
Author A1135 Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 You will be joining the sexless brigade very soon... not your fault, it's the luck of the draw. unfortunately I think this is true. Definitely heading that way. Where do I get my member id badge
giotto Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 unfortunately I think this is true. Definitely heading that way. Where do I get my member id badge I can organise one for a small fee...
KungFuJoe Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Op, You mentioned that you guys have always had sex issues. Can you elaborate further on that? Was this before your child was born?
Author A1135 Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 Op, You mentioned that you guys have always had sex issues. Can you elaborate further on that? Was this before your child was born? Yes from before he was born, she has always had a lowish drive but it has gotten lower and lower
Author A1135 Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 you do 80% of the housework? And your wife thinks this is very manly? When she sees some bad boy acting like and alpha male, and compares him to you, you come up being sexier and more dominant? Your sex ranking is low, work on that. Be more of an A-hole, tell her to do the flipping housework. Concentrate on learning new sexual moves for the bedroom! I have looked into this and even read a book about it but dont belive it will work on her, she was previously in a mentally abusive relationship with a very dominant man and will just shut down completely if go that path 1
KungFuJoe Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Yes from before he was born, she has always had a lowish drive but it has gotten lower and lower You mentioned that you caught her on some D/s site? What was she doing?
bhootni0611 Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 one of best ways wud be by telling her ur previous times together , women have strange ways of getting inspired .. den slip in the fact of some awesome date uv had how amazing she looked and dat u wud die to do something like dat again.. dont drop a hint to her weight etc.. make her think abt it..u knw how women wait for some spark wid a new guy well they want spark everyday good luck !
Author A1135 Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 So over the last two days I think I have done pretty well to set up a stress free, worry free loving environment, I arranged for our son to go stay with family for a few days. we started yesterday with coffee with family, then time to ourself at home, she went and had a massage, then we went out for a movie in the fancy class where you get food and drinks served to you, followed by a drive up to a lookout where we had our first kiss. Lots of kissing and hugging when we got home but no loving day two. Cooked her breakfast, then off for a game of tennis (she loves but I am not a huge fan), then back for a shower together, then off to lunch in a nice cafe, then to a game of mini golf (one of our very first dates) then home for her to have a long soak in the bath, while she was in the bathi layed out an outfit for her, off to a romantic dinner, then home for cuddles on the couch. Again lots of cuddles, no loving Dont think I could have done much better to get her relaxed, happy, and spending time as a couple
Author A1135 Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 You mentioned that you caught her on some D/s site? What was she doing? Having cyber sex with some guy and playing with her vibrator, have never confronted her about it as I kind of liked it but thats a different story
KungFuJoe Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Having cyber sex with some guy and playing with her vibrator, have never confronted her about it as I kind of liked it but thats a different story It sounds like she might be either hiding a sexual component of herself from you...or more likely...she's not even sure what she likes anymore. I don't know how long you've been together, but keeping the spice going in ANY LTR is a challenge. Humans were meant to get bored with the same stimuli over and over again. So sometimes you gotta switch it up...do something different. All that is easier said than done and it does NOT mean go on a vacation or try a new toy. That stuff's all superficial and all it does is put MORE stress on sex. When you go on a vacation, you're probably thinking, "Now we're gonna have some hot sex!" and she's thinking, "Oh crap, what if he's expecting hot sex!". Same with a toy. It's more pressure and she's had ENOUGH. Look...I'm gonna be straight up with you. There is no easy answer. It's different for every couple. A part of me wants to just say your wife has a low libido and just deal with it, but her little vibrator incident makes me think that there's something hiding deep inside her and that it's trying to get out. The problem might be that something in her past has her keeping it locked tight inside of her. Perhaps she is unwilling to "give herself" to a man because she's been hurt. Maybe that's why she was more sexual to some stranger on the internet because she knows that she can't possibly get hurt by an anonymous stranger. Either way, you guys have some soul searching to do...TOGETHER. I'm talking long talks...get to the root of the issue. Now, what I'm about to suggest might be considered controversial, but assuming you have a legal means...I strongly suggest you try smoking out. Weed has a way of opening you up...making you more introspective and lowering walls. If that's out of the question, I suggest you plan something nice where there is NO expectation of sex. Maybe going somewhere during the day, in a crowded place. A visit to the museum...or a picnic at a park. Someplace nice...where you just enjoy each other's company. And then maybe try to top it off with a nice talk somewhere. Communication, one way or another, is going to be your best friend here. And don't focus on the sex. One thing I've learned...when it comes to lack of sex in a relationship...it's almost never about the sex itself. 3
Author A1135 Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 And don't focus on the sex. One thing I've learned...when it comes to lack of sex in a relationship...it's almost never about the sex itself. Yeah I learnt this one a long time ago. That's why I focus on all of the other things and hoping that the sex will follow but its not working. Looks like its time to head to the "how to deal without sex" threads
giotto Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Looks like its time to head to the "how to deal without sex" threads You'll find a lot of us there... I did all that "let's not concentrate on sex" thingy with my wife and she was over the moon... don't ask for sex, you'll never going to get it. Obviously, you don't want pity sex either, so it's a vicious circle. Even if you don't put pressure on her, any little thing you do, she will be thinking: he is doing that to get sex... I think you need couple counselling in order to find out what's really going on. Having said that, we had counselling and didn't work (mostly the counsellor's fault). Then my wife said to me one day: it's never going to change. At last a clear message! I gave up. We have sex occasionally (once a month), but needless to say I lost all my attraction for her and some love too. If you don't get to the bottom of it, it will happen to you too. Then you'll have a simple choice: stay for your son in a sexless marriage or divorce. But maybe she will fix herself... who knows... somehow, I doubt it... 1
OpenBook Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I think you should reveal to your W that you know about the Dom/Sub Vibrator Incident, that it kind of turned you on, and offer to help explore this side of her sexuality with you. Tell her it's your fondest wish to be the deliverer of her sexual fulfillment while at the same time keeping her safe, as both are part of your natural role as her husband. You both have the tools and the talent already - including (by far) the most important ingredient, your love for each other - it's just a matter of putting them to work. 2
Author A1135 Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 I think you should reveal to your W that you know about the Dom/Sub Vibrator Incident, that it kind of turned you on, and offer to help explore this side of her sexuality This was about 5 yrs ago so would be hard to bring up I think
xxoo Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 This was about 5 yrs ago so would be hard to bring up I think Go to amazon, buy a few erotic novels for her (written by and for women), and wrap them up with a note that says something like, "enjoy, and show me the good parts :)" 1
pteromom Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 You will be joining the sexless brigade very soon... not your fault, it's the luck of the draw. This is NOT necessarily true. Oldshirt was onto something with the "reactive desire" thing, but he went a slightly wrong direction with the grooming and dressing up (although that may matter to some women). What your wife will react to is your actions. How you treat her. How you flirt. Some guys think that once a woman is his wife, sex is just part of life so the courting/wooing/romancing can stop. But think back to when you were dating and when she looked at you with that fire in her eyes. What did you do then that you don't do now? The kicker is it probably has NOTHING to do with sex. Did you have long conversations about books, movies, the future, the past? Did you show a lot of interest in what she said and did? Did you make her wants and needs a priority? Were you romantic and surprising and kind and sweet? Compare that to now. Imagine you are on a first date with this woman sitting across from you at dinner tonight. How do you talk to her? How do you act when you are irritated or angry, and how does that compare with how you acted in the beginning? Do you act in a way that will make her like you, or are you farting and scratching yourself? Would the way you act with your wife now, OUTSIDE of sex, get you a second date with her? If not, THAT'S what you need to work on. The stuff outside the bedroom. Women are definitely reactive. We want to feel loved, cherished, appreciated, accepted, respected, and special to our guy. When we feel all that stuff, we are able to be vulnerable and open to romance. 2
Author A1135 Posted April 26, 2014 Author Posted April 26, 2014 This is NOT necessarily true. Oldshirt was onto something with the "reactive desire" thing, but he went a slightly wrong direction with the grooming and dressing up (although that may matter to some women). What your wife will react to is your actions. How you treat her. How you flirt. Some guys think that once a woman is his wife, sex is just part of life so the courting/wooing/romancing can stop. But think back to when you were dating and when she looked at you with that fire in her eyes. What did you do then that you don't do now? The kicker is it probably has NOTHING to do with sex. Did you have long conversations about books, movies, the future, the past? Did you show a lot of interest in what she said and did? Did you make her wants and needs a priority? Were you romantic and surprising and kind and sweet? Compare that to now. Imagine you are on a first date with this woman sitting across from you at dinner tonight. How do you talk to her? How do you act when you are irritated or angry, and how does that compare with how you acted in the beginning? Do you act in a way that will make her like you, or are you farting and scratching yourself? Would the way you act with your wife now, OUTSIDE of sex, get you a second date with her? If not, THAT'S what you need to work on. The stuff outside the bedroom. Women are definitely reactive. We want to feel loved, cherished, appreciated, accepted, respected, and special to our guy. When we feel all that stuff, we are able to be vulnerable and open to romance. Perhaps check back a few pages I spent two days dating and being romantic the other day and nothing I do find it harder to have long conversations because I am starting to resent her. She will go on and on about things that she sees as important and I will listen and converse and then I remember that she dosent listen when I talk about sex and how its important to me so I start to tune out
Quiet Storm Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Is she on the pill or another form of hormonal birth control?
Author A1135 Posted April 26, 2014 Author Posted April 26, 2014 Is she on the pill or another form of hormonal birth control? No no birth control and hasnt for about 4 yrs
lucy_in_disguise Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Women respond to emotional connection, not action, and it sounds like that's whys missing from your relationship. You talk about all these things you DID but did you connect with her doing them? Or was your mind far away, bored, or wondering if she'd put out at the end of the night ? 1
veggirl Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 It's a 2-way street. I think it's wrong that everyone is pinning this on you and acting like you aren't doing enough. You sound like you do waaay more than most husbands on this board do. This is your wife's issue. If she won't tell you what the problem is, you're screwed. You're going to resent her soon enough, you're doing the majority of the housework and putting in almost all of the relationship work. 1
veggirl Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Women respond to emotional connection, not action, and it sounds like that's whys missing from your relationship. You talk about all these things you DID but did you connect with her doing them? Or was your mind far away, bored, or wondering if she'd put out at the end of the night ? Come on. Did you read what he did for his wife? He obviously cares a great deal for her. Geez. Sometimes it really just isn't the man's fault. He spent 2 days doting on her, she is contributing exactly 0 to their husband-wife relationship. 3
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