Author A1135 Posted April 26, 2014 Author Posted April 26, 2014 Being a sexual person is just right down on her priorities in fact I am not sure if its on the list at all. While the longer it goes on it moves up mine. Such a crappy cycle its only gonna get worse and worse I fear
lucy_in_disguise Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Come on. Did you read what he did for his wife? He obviously cares a great deal for her. Geez. Sometimes it really just isn't the man's fault. He spent 2 days doting on her, she is contributing exactly 0 to their husband-wife relationship. I never said it was his fault. But you can argue all day that she "should" be attracted to him, and it won't change the fact tht what he's doing now, isn't working. OP, I doubt she's lost all interest. That is rarely the case, as evidenced by all the women who won't put out for their husbands only to end up rediscovering their sexualities via affair. You mentioned she might be into some light bdsm... I would have a few drinks and try that out one night. 2
giotto Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 This is NOT necessarily true. What your wife will react to is your actions. How you treat her. How you flirt. Some guys think that once a woman is his wife, sex is just part of life so the courting/wooing/romancing can stop. But think back to when you were dating and when she looked at you with that fire in her eyes. What did you do then that you don't do now? The kicker is it probably has NOTHING to do with sex. Did you have long conversations about books, movies, the future, the past? Did you show a lot of interest in what she said and did? Did you make her wants and needs a priority? Were you romantic and surprising and kind and sweet? Compare that to now. Imagine you are on a first date with this woman sitting across from you at dinner tonight. How do you talk to her? How do you act when you are irritated or angry, and how does that compare with how you acted in the beginning? Do you act in a way that will make her like you, or are you farting and scratching yourself? Would the way you act with your wife now, OUTSIDE of sex, get you a second date with her? If not, THAT'S what you need to work on. The stuff outside the bedroom. Women are definitely reactive. We want to feel loved, cherished, appreciated, accepted, respected, and special to our guy. When we feel all that stuff, we are able to be vulnerable and open to romance. Done all that... we are not all bastards. Most of us are caring and loving. Something just shifted in herself... I still don't know up to this day. She won't say, probably because she doesn't know either. It's a combination of factors. I've done my part, she hasn't... this is all I know. 1
Author A1135 Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 Done all that... we are not all bastards. Most of us are caring and loving. Something just shifted in herself... I still don't know up to this day. She won't say, probably because she doesn't know either. It's a combination of factors. I've done my part, she hasn't... this is all I know. Almost perfectly put! Sums up my situation pretty much so I know your frustration.
cif Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Make her think you're having an affair. Nothing makes a woman more attentive than jealousy. Some on here will say it's a cruel way to get the passion back but being ignored is far worse.
janedoe67 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 People who think they are smarter than they are make me sad. Religious or not, there IS truth to the women and suppression. Just read all the posts about men who don't want experienced women on LS. Women ARE sexual beings, but yeah, we have to grow out of that "good girls don't" programming. And yes, the D/s thing is a fairly common fantasy for most women who are honest about it.
pteromom Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Perhaps check back a few pages I spent two days dating and being romantic the other day and nothing It takes more than 2 days though. It's the general vibe in your relationship. Also, just because you are doing a lot doesn't mean you are doing the things SHE values. You could be working your butt off to make her happy, but those things aren't in her 'love language'. I do find it harder to have long conversations because I am starting to resent her. She will go on and on about things that she sees as important and I will listen and converse and then I remember that she dosent listen when I talk about sex and how its important to me so I start to tune out OK, let's turn that around... I do find it harder to have sex with him' date=' because I am starting to resent him. He will go on and on about things that he sees as important and I will have sex with him and then I remember that he dosent listen when I talk about things that are important to me so I start to tune out[/quote'] No, I don't think it is always the guy's fault. Could be she's having an affair. Could be she is having hormonal issues. Could be she's just mean. I don't know. But SHE isn't here, so the only person I can advise is the man in the relationship... and "head on over to the sexless marriage" threads isn't good advice. I'm giving him things to think about, and if they don't apply, he is welcome to dismiss them.
Author A1135 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 It could be lots of things but I have pretty much come to the conclusion that she will never open up or think about it in depth as its just not that important to her. She will never be the sexual woman I want her to be and we wont ever have the sex life I desire.
giotto Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 It could be lots of things but I have pretty much come to the conclusion that she will never open up or think about it in depth as its just not that important to her. She will never be the sexual woman I want her to be and we wont ever have the sex life I desire. I've come to the same conclusion... but at least my wife told me she would understand if I left...
Waverly Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 You sound like a good husband. I have a good husband too, and I rarely have sex with him. It's not his "fault", but there are things I can point to that went wrong in our marriage that led to the current state of things. Like some other posters have mentioned, being a mother to young children often takes sexuality and desire as its price. Beyond that though, I feel pretty completely disconnected from my husband. It wasn't something that happened overnight; there were minor issues and resentments that sort of festered silently for years. Along the way, our (already somewhat lackluster) sex life slowed down and then basically stopped. I convinced myself for a while that this was just a normal part of having children, adjusting lifestyles, etc., but then I had an affair. Hey, turns out I didn't actually have a low sex drive after all. (cringe) Anyway, my point is this: my husband would, every once in a while (I'm talking pre-A here), try to "fix" things by helping out more or doing something nice for me. It was a far cry from the two days of child-free pampering you described, but he had the same goal in mind. And he wasn't wrong; we needed to do those things in order to feel more connected again. But one night of us going out to dinner and getting dressed up and cuddling wasn't going to lead to me having sex with him. The problems were still there, and they were a LOT bigger than could be fixed with a bubble bath or a massage. If anything, those times when he tried to do something nice actually put me a bit on edge because I knew he'd be hoping that I'd "give in" as a result, and so that would be in the back of my mind the whole time. I'm not saying your approach is wrong. More that it sounds like it took a long time to get to this point, and chances are that it will take you a long time to get back to the "normal" point with your wife. A weekend of pampering is great, but it will probably be a longer-term effort at fixing whatever communication or other issues are underlying in your marriage. 4
giotto Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 yep, you just get disconnected at some point in your life, for whatever reason... kids, getting old, jobs... whatever you do, it's not going to come back. You need to turn that page. A frank discussion would be good, so nobody gets the wrong end of the stick and keeps trying. A bit of a shame, really... but that's life.
Waverly Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 yep, you just get disconnected at some point in your life, for whatever reason... kids, getting old, jobs... whatever you do, it's not going to come back. You need to turn that page. A frank discussion would be good, so nobody gets the wrong end of the stick and keeps trying. A bit of a shame, really... but that's life. Giotto, do you really think this? I admit I don't know your story, but do you really think that once it's gone it's just...gone?
JamesM Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Giotto, do you really think this? I admit I don't know your story, but do you really think that once it's gone it's just...gone? Giotto and I have many similarities. We have discussed our marriages on here ad nauseum. I don't believe that once gone, always gone, but from experience, I believe that it is hard to get back and keep. It may come back for awhile, but then it disappears again with no apparent reason. Waverly, you said it yourself. You had no interest in sex with your husband, but with another man. Why? In my own marriage, it has come and gone. For awhile last year, we had it again. And now, it has become a weak flame. I believe it will come again, but I no longer try to get it back anymore. The work is too hard for the pleasure. (No puns intended. ) 1
Author A1135 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 You sound like a good husband. I have a good husband too, and I rarely have sex with him. It's not his "fault", but there are things I can point to that went wrong in our marriage that led to the current state of things. Like some other posters have mentioned, being a mother to young children often takes sexuality and desire as its price. Beyond that though, I feel pretty completely disconnected from my husband. It wasn't something that happened overnight; there were minor issues and resentments that sort of festered silently for years. Along the way, our (already somewhat lackluster) sex life slowed down and then basically stopped. I convinced myself for a while that this was just a normal part of having children, adjusting lifestyles, etc., but then I had an affair. Hey, turns out I didn't actually have a low sex drive after all. (cringe) Anyway, my point is this: my husband would, every once in a while (I'm talking pre-A here), try to "fix" things by helping out more or doing something nice for me. It was a far cry from the two days of child-free pampering you described, but he had the same goal in mind. And he wasn't wrong; we needed to do those things in order to feel more connected again. But one night of us going out to dinner and getting dressed up and cuddling wasn't going to lead to me having sex with him. The problems were still there, and they were a LOT bigger than could be fixed with a bubble bath or a massage. If anything, those times when he tried to do something nice actually put me a bit on edge because I knew he'd be hoping that I'd "give in" as a result, and so that would be in the back of my mind the whole time. I'm not saying your approach is wrong. More that it sounds like it took a long time to get to this point, and chances are that it will take you a long time to get back to the "normal" point with your wife. A weekend of pampering is great, but it will probably be a longer-term effort at fixing whatever communication or other issues are underlying in your marriage. Great post, really good to hear it from the other perspective. Did you go looking for an affair or did it happen organically?
Author A1135 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 but I no longer try to get it back anymore. The work is too hard for the pleasure. (No puns intended. ) Thats how I feel I work so hard at it but to little to no avail. I find it even more depressing when I do all these nice things and we spend time as a couple not a family and then I try a subtle move and its straight to shut down town. I can get shut down without all the work. Only so many times a man can try with no reward.
crederer Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I dunno man but I find when I'm in the club saying something like: "ay you bay bay, want sum ***?" usually works pretty well. And that was a joke, don't do that. Really at the end of the day you have to talk to her about what is up as this is important for the relationship. Not in a jerk way like you're demanding it but let her know how it's effecting you and ask her what you can do to improve in that area.
Waverly Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Great post, really good to hear it from the other perspective. Did you go looking for an affair or did it happen organically? No, I didn't intentionally seek out an affair. If you had asked me a year ago if I ever would have had an affair or considered leaving my husband, I would have said no. Things weren't great, but they weren't that bad either that I was actively seeking an escape route. The affair happened because I chose for it to; it just so happened that there was a sort of perfect storm of events that took place at the time. My husband and I were in a bad place, for various reasons. There were lots of minor things going on that were really symptomatic of much larger issues (my therapist has made reference to the fact that I seem more like a little sister or babysitter than a true partner, if that gives you some sense of how disconnected I felt). At the same time that I was at a sort of low point with my husband, I had a conversation with an old friend for whom I'd always had feelings. He confessed to the same, and off things went. I never saw it coming in advance, but in retrospect, it makes sense why I was vulnerable to it at the time. (Don't jump on me, LS! It was my choice.) Giotto and I have many similarities. We have discussed our marriages on here ad nauseum. I don't believe that once gone, always gone, but from experience, I believe that it is hard to get back and keep. It may come back for awhile, but then it disappears again with no apparent reason. Waverly, you said it yourself. You had no interest in sex with your husband, but with another man. Why? In my own marriage, it has come and gone. For awhile last year, we had it again. And now, it has become a weak flame. I believe it will come again, but I no longer try to get it back anymore. The work is too hard for the pleasure. (No puns intended. ) I wonder a lot about this. A big part of me feels like I'll never get it back with my husband. It was never fully there in the first place, but it certainly used to be better than it is now. I probably answered most of your question above, but if I had to summarize why I wasn't interested in sex with my husband but was with my xAP? I'd say that my husband I were not intimate in any way at the time. I resented him, we had very little connection as a couple, and I didn't feel like I was really his partner. Along comes my xAP, to whom I've always had a strong connection and attraction; he gave me the attention and sense of value that I was missing from my relationship with my husband. I'm not excusing my choices, and I know that my xAP and I never had to talk about the mortgage or child care arrangements, but I felt loved and valued by him. With my husband, I felt both unimportant and unappreciated.
Author A1135 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 Waverly you mentioned therapy do you think it helps? You seem to have a good grasp on the how and whys is this from therapy?
Waverly Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Waverly you mentioned therapy do you think it helps? You seem to have a good grasp on the how and whys is this from therapy? I have sort of mixed feelings on therapy. I'm actually on my second therapist; I went to the first one towards the end of the A and in the immediate aftermath of it ending. She was good at just letting me talk, but didn't really offer much in response. Once that sort of blood-letting of initial emotions had slowed a bit, I found my time there to be much less useful, and eventually switched to a different therapist. I've been going to my new one for about a month. She's very experienced, and definitely is a lot more proactive in terms of offering insights and strategies for my marriage. We actually don't even spend that much time talking about my affair at this point; I think the reasons I did it are pretty clear, and she seems to guide me more toward focusing on what's actually going on in my life, not thoughts of my xAP that, in reality, have no bearing on my life. At this point, the question on the table is whether I can see what my relationship with my husband could really be like, and whether it's something that we both are able to try and work on moving forward. (My husband doesn't know about the affair, by the way, but that's a different topic, and not really relevant to your question.) So, in short, yes, I think therapy has been useful for me, but more so now that I found a better therapist. (Also proving the merits of getting a recommendation -- I got mine from my doctor, whom I trust and like -- versus just picking a name off the "these people accept your insurance" list.)
SoleMate Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 As the child is more aware, the parents become more parents. Striding through the house naked is never an option. Could you travel back in time to 1971 and let my parents know this? Because I got an eyeful. 3
Author A1135 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 So JamesM & Giotto got any advice on how to deal with it all? How do you turn it all off?
giotto Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Giotto, do you really think this? I admit I don't know your story, but do you really think that once it's gone it's just...gone? I didn't at the beginning... I tried very hard, but then I came to the conclusion that it's the sad truth. It takes two to revive a relationship. I've given up now... not sure if my wife is aware of it. In fact, the other day she was talking about going back to live in my home country (I'm not from the UK) after the kids have left the nest... that's the last thing I want to do! I didn't say that, obviously, but it just hit me like she really hasn't got the faintest clue... I'm sure she thinks I'm happy... I'm not saying nobody can ever get it back, but I guess it really depends on what you want from the relationship. I'm not happy with just being two parents looking after the children. But she is happy with it.
giotto Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 So JamesM & Giotto got any advice on how to deal with it all? How do you turn it all off? I have some bad news for you... you can't just turn it off. It's a gradual process. Eventually, you'll start falling out of love with her. It's a defence mechanism. With no intimacy, love just dies. I really care a lot about my wife, but love? Not sure about it, any more...
Author A1135 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 I have some bad news for you... you can't just turn it off. It's a gradual process. Eventually, you'll start falling out of love with her. It's a defence mechanism. With no intimacy, love just dies. I really care a lot about my wife, but love? Not sure about it, any more... One of the most depressing things I have read. But deep down know its the likely outcome
giotto Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 One of the most depressing things I have read. But deep down know its the likely outcome And I forgot to say it's a gradual painful process... My wife has her own problems (ODC and upbringing issues), so it's not all her fault... what I always minded is that she never wanted to do anything about it, despite the promises... for example, going to therapy. She is happy to stuff herself with pills... as she told me 3 years ago on holiday (of all places)... nothing was ever going to change. So, I gave up, realising that she'd rather let our marriage go to hell than getting her act together. I've accepted it now, but I feel a huge sadness and emptiness inside me.
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