Why would a cheater get upset if caught cheating?

[Binjo]

A couple days ago, I caught my now ex gf (apparently she was kind of drunk too) cheating and she actually yelled at me and told me ''What the hell are you doing here'' and said to GET OUT. She reacted as if I was in the total wrong (that's like telling you **** you).:confused:

 

I broke up anyways but damn, she didn't even felt shame. I haven't heard anything from her at all but shouldn't a cheater at least feel some type of remorse. I guess I was expecting a ''Oh I'm sorry, come back''. I would still dump her either way but this is the first time I've encountered a cheater caught red-handed that still gets angry and thinks you're in the wrong.

 

I've been with her for about 2 years and yes it sucks that's how it turned out. But that response was unexpected. Not sure if anyone had this happened? That you not only caught them but they get very upset too. I don't care about the other guy. Not worth getting into a fight with. I personally don't like fights (unless it's for true self defense purposes such as defending a family member from getting hurt).

Edited April 15, 2014 by Binjo

[mammasita]

You must not watch "Cheaters".....its a typical reaction.

[Zahara]

It's actually common. I went through it and a couple of my friends received the same reaction.

 

I caught my ex and the next day he was mad at me?! It's their twisted way of dealing with their own guilt.

[Binjo]

You must not watch "Cheaters".....its a typical reaction.

Not really but now that it happened to me, I might watch some. Makes me wonder if they eventually come to their senses and see what they did wrong.

[Binjo]

It's actually common. I went through it and a couple of my friends received the same reaction.

 

I caught my ex and the next day he was mad at me?! It's their twisted way of dealing with their own guilt.

I know right, it's a very weird way of feeling bad, by acting proud. Though, I don't think she feels remorse at all. She showed none. She hasn't even text nor call me. She even took me off her facebook (faster than I did) right away.

 

I would be beyond embarrassed if I were caught cheating. I would imagine apologizing several times. I would feel bad. Then again, I'm not her. Even if she does one day tries to come up with a reason and I might listen for a couple minutes out of curiosity (not that it changes things but still, it's a bit better than saying nothing at all), I don't think there is a reason at all.

Edited April 15, 2014 by Binjo

[Chi townD]

I know right, it's a very weird way of feeling bad, by acting proud. Though, I don't think she feels remorse at all. She showed none. She hasn't even text nor call me. She even took me off her facebook (faster than I did) right away.

 

 

Then how does she know you two are even broken up? I mean, you had to have told her right? Did you do it by text? What was her reaction? Did she try to come up with an excuse? What exactly happened?

[Binjo]

Then how does she know you two are even broken up? I mean, you had to have told her right? Did you do it by text? What was her reaction? Did she try to come up with an excuse? What exactly happened?

When she yelled at me, I told her it was over anyways, how we're done and I left. When I break up with someone, I do it in person, at the moment and clearly enough for them to hear me.

 

No, she didn't try to come up with an excuse at all. She was pissed off. What happened is I simply caught her cheating with some guy I was once introduced to on a Thanksgiving Day family reunion. Sometimes I have to work extra hours but I was planning to take her out on a date and well the rest is history. Apparently, she doesn't care about me at all.

 

Her reaction as of now is ignoring me and pretending I'm in the wrong, treating me as if I don't exist.

[ThatMan]

You have to understand the reason why people cheat in the first place is because they're being selfish and do not feel guilty about their infidelity at all.

 

Sometimes people side-step feeling genuine guilt by blaming the affair on something else; alcohol, loneliness, the heat of the moment, whatever.

 

Sometimes people feel incredibly bad. They're sorry. They're so sorry that they've been caught. They're so sorry for being confronted with the inevitable consequences of their own actions. They're so sorry for needing to answer for being selfish, perhaps for the very first time during their entire miserable lives.

 

Sometimes people outright blame their spouse. This is exactly identical to what abusers do. They blame their unwilling spouses for the mistreatment that they dish out. "You! You made me angry. You made me lose my temper and strike you!"

 

Everybody usually offers consent; Their own willful decision to sleep around. Sleeping around is exactly what they wanted for themselves. You'll find a lot of people are either too stupid or deluded to acknowledge their own active roles in the affairs. Stick around... You'll find plenty of wayward spouses in salvaged relationships who continue the struggle of grappling with the idea that they made an active series of decisions leading to an affair. These people have no idea they're responsible for their own actions or what empowerment means to them. Instances of genuine guilt is few and far inbetween, I assure you.

Edited April 15, 2014 by ThatMan
phone

[Chi townD]

When she yelled at me, I told her it was over anyways, how we're done and I left. When I break up with someone, I do it in person, at the moment and clearly enough for them to hear me.

 

No, she didn't try to come up with an excuse at all. She was pissed off. What happened is I simply caught her cheating with some guy I was once introduced to on a Thanksgiving Day family reunion. Sometimes I have to work extra hours but I was planning to take her out on a date and well the rest is history. Apparently, she doesn't care about me at all.

 

Her reaction as of now is ignoring me and pretending I'm in the wrong, treating me as if I don't exist.

 

 

She's just mad because she got caught and now you know she's the bad guy in all of this. Therefore, she needs to demonize you in her head to she can deal with the guilt that she has. She needs to make her acts your fault. So, she could justify it in her head that what she was doing was okay.

 

 

But, here's the deal. There might be one day where the guilt is going to get the better of her. She might reach out to you or send you a letter/email explaining her actions. Ignore it! She's just trying to unload her guilt on you. Well, she needs to hold onto it and learn from it. That you don't treat people the way she treated you.

[nescafe1982]

The same psychological phenomenon that cheaters use to justify cheating in the first place (projection) usually comes out in their reaction to being caught.

 

Cheaters don't take responsibility for their actions. While cheating, they tell themselves anything from "my spouse deserves this because X" to "my spouse is cheating too."

 

When they are caught (especially caught in the act), that fantasy threatens to break down. And their defense mechanism is to cling to it even more tightly, and to get very, very angry.

 

Their anger, however inappropriate for the situation, is the thing that allows them to maintain the fantasy that absolves them of responsibility.

 

The same process is at work when a cheater accuses his/her partner of infidelity or gets irrationally jealous.

[Joaquin]

I would just go with the explanation that she's a total cxxt.

[Binjo]

But, here's the deal. There might be one day where the guilt is going to get the better of her. She might reach out to you or send you a letter/email explaining her actions. Ignore it! She's just trying to unload her guilt on you. Well, she needs to hold onto it and learn from it. That you don't treat people the way she treated you.

About how much time do you think it will pass by the time I receive a sudden reply/apology from her?

 

Come to think of it, I think this was the red flag I was ignoring:

I forgot to add that during our whole relationship, she would hardly ever admit when she was wrong and if we had arguments once in a while, it was mainly me fixing it and trying to make the day better. That one time she did apologized about something, it seemed like a struggle for her or something. I kind of feel stupid for overlooking this and thinking maybe it was just a small flaw some women had.

 

Then I know this sounds stupid and I'll never get back with her after what she did don't know why do I still have some feelings for her. I still can't hate her. I wish I did.

[Darren Steez]

I know right, it's a very weird way of feeling bad, by acting proud. Though, I don't think she feels remorse at all. She showed none. She hasn't even text nor call me. She even took me off her facebook (faster than I did) right away.

 

I would be beyond embarrassed if I were caught cheating. I would imagine apologizing several times. I would feel bad. Then again, I'm not her. Even if she does one day tries to come up with a reason and I might listen for a couple minutes out of curiosity (not that it changes things but still, it's a bit better than saying nothing at all), I don't think there is a reason at all.

 

Of course she's embarrassed, that's why she took you off facebook so fast so she doesn't have to face you or see your updates.

Personally bro, you did the right thing, cut her off fast and moved on with your head held high. Most can't do that, instead try to cling on and forgive.

[Binjo]

Of course she's embarrassed, that's why she took you off facebook so fast so she doesn't have to face you or see your updates.

Personally bro, you did the right thing, cut her off fast and moved on with your head held high. Most can't do that, instead try to cling on and forgive.

Thank you and yes I'm moving on. Yet my remaining feelings towards her haven't disappear. Still missed the good old times. Damn, just when you think that's enough to hate a gf and you don't. I did loved her.

 

Would be good if many started breaking up instead of choosing the cowardly way of cheating.

[Chi townD]

About how much time do you think it will pass by the time I receive a sudden reply/apology from her?

Come to think of it, I think this was the red flag I was ignoring:

I forgot to add that during our whole relationship, she would hardly ever admit when she was wrong and if we had arguments once in a while, it was mainly me fixing it and trying to make the day better. That one time she did apologized about something, it seemed like a struggle for her or something. I kind of feel stupid for overlooking this and thinking maybe it was just a small flaw some women had.

 

Then I know this sounds stupid and I'll never get back with her after what she did don't know why do I still have some feelings for her. I still can't hate her. I wish I did.

 

 

 

 

I'll take it a step further for you.

 

 

If you really think back on it, all the fights that you two were having were probably started by her. And it was you walking around on eggshells trying to make her happy. But the thing is, this is supportive of the fact that she has probably been cheating on you before you caught her. She had to demonize you in her head so she can give herself permission to cheat. "I wouldn't be doing this if my boyfriend wasn't such an asshat." It's a lot harder to cheat on someone if you're not mad at them. So, she ensured that she was always mad at you.

 

 

IF she ever contacts you again in won't be for months or years if ever.

[hoping2heal]

One night my sister called me up pissed as hell that her boyfriend crawled through the window of the house they were renting to get inside.

 

"He's being obsessive just barging in like he doesn't trust me" she raged.

 

Keep in mind, this guy paid half off the bills and he actually put down the whole 1k for a security deposit. She locks him out and he's the bad guy.

 

Well, needless to say, within that same week she was caught screwing her estranged husband. Who, actually left her and the kids for the woman he was having an affair with months prior.

 

So, she kicks her boyfriend out and moves her philandering ex hubby back in. To this day she badmouths the boyfriend to anyone who has ears. It's kind of like..why take responsibility for your actions when you can turn the blame elsewhere?

[ThatMan]

To this day she badmouths the boyfriend to anyone who has ears. It's kind of like..why take responsibility for your actions when you can turn the blame elsewhere?

That's exactly what abusers so often do. They demonize and blame their spouse for their own actions, complete with smear campaigns, any attempt to shame and isolate a spouse, you name it. Precious few of them ever change their outlook during their lives. There's nothing anyone can do but walk away... Or be forced away during an outburst... Exactly like what happened to the OP.

[Darren Steez]

Thank you and yes I'm moving on. Yet my remaining feelings towards her haven't disappear. Still missed the good old times. Damn, just when you think that's enough to hate a gf and you don't. I did loved her.

 

Would be good if many started breaking up instead of choosing the cowardly way of cheating.

 

The analogy I like to use when it comes to lurve is, imagine hanging out with the sweetest person in the world, you enjoy good times, do a ton of stuff together, have awesome fun, then one day they turn around tell you to put out your hand then st*b you while looking at you squarely in the eye. You may still love but the rush to forgive and play nice won't be so hasty.

 

When "love" is involved, people expect all sorts of disrespectful cr*p done to them, while being physically injured may not be as "serious" as emotional injury it's still injury, a callous one at that.

 

It seems harder to tell the truth than say I'm not into you and I want to bang someone else.

[a0009]

Thanks everyone. This post and comments have shed some light in my situation. My ex left me for someone else and she was mad at me during the process. I felt like a dog the way she treated me yet I was not on the wrong to deserve it. The only cure was posts from this website and NC. I always ask myself what I did to her to make her that mad.

[Spectre]

She is sleeping around and is mad you busted her, that is why. It is crazy that she yelled at you for catching her cheating. I swear the nerve some people have.

[gaius]

One night my sister called me up pissed as hell that her boyfriend crawled through the window of the house they were renting to get inside.

 

"He's being obsessive just barging in like he doesn't trust me" she raged.

 

Keep in mind, this guy paid half off the bills and he actually put down the whole 1k for a security deposit. She locks him out and he's the bad guy.

 

Well, needless to say, within that same week she was caught screwing her estranged husband. Who, actually left her and the kids for the woman he was having an affair with months prior.

 

So, she kicks her boyfriend out and moves her philandering ex hubby back in. To this day she badmouths the boyfriend to anyone who has ears. It's kind of like..why take responsibility for your actions when you can turn the blame elsewhere?

I know people like to tell themselves that angry reactions are somehow the cheater feeling guilty or something like that, but in reality it's just the ugly truth coming out. That they have no respect for you and probably value the opinion of the person they're cheating with more than they do yours.

[Binjo]

She is sleeping around and is mad you busted her, that is why. It is crazy that she yelled at you for catching her cheating. I swear the nerve some people have.

I know. It's incredible that I'm suddenly in the wrong for not even doing anything wrong.

 

a0009, keep moving on. Wow we both got rid of worthless gfs.

[Hello_is_it_me]

They are selfish people with no remorse. Of course they would be upset when their nice little setup gets spoiled!

[ktya]

This reminds me of my longest relationship.

 

My parents came over for dinner, they had never seen my house I lived with my gf in despite that I had lived here for 5 years. It was just me and my gf, not some flop house and I was insulted so they finally came over.

 

GF goes to see a friend in the afternoon. My parents get here. Im calling her and she says that she is leaving soon. A few hours go by. I call her again no answer. Eventually I call the friend. Friend says she was never there today. I start to flip, call the GF over and over again, my parents are waiting, the food is being kept warm on the BBQ. Then I get ahold of the GF she says she just got off the train one stop away - in the opposite direction of her friends. I tell her to GTF over here you are embarassing the hell out of me we are waiting for you for dinner, ask her WTF shes doing. Says she was out with this guy Doug, a guy I know and like.

 

So next day I am on top of her asking why she would lie and say she was at her girlfriends house and ends up out with Doug, I like Doug why would she need to lie about it. She says she doesnt know didnt want me to be worried thats all.

 

Somethings not right IMO at that point. I call Doug and ask him what was the deal the other day. Doug tells me "I dont know but I'm not going to lie for her". I was like, what?! and he tells me the only thing he knows is she phoned him that day and said if it comes up that she was with him. At this point I flip right out. A lie to cover up a lie? Something wrong.

 

Again I start grilling her what was actually happening. She sticks to her story, she was with Doug, Doug, Doug. I tell her to tell me the truth and dont let her in on that I talked to Doug. Now I know something was really wrong.

 

In my state of sheer panic, I came across her diary. Didnt want to do it but felt I just had to, she was lying straight to my face. I come across that she has been having an 8 month long affair with my friend and business partner - which peices together the puzzle of why he called on her cellphone one day at 10am when she forgot the phone at home - a time that she would regularly be at work.

 

Angry as hell I photocopied all the relevant pages and put the diary back, highlighting the sections where she is talking about him.

 

For two months I pleaded with her to just tell me the truth about what happened. She eventually figured out that I figured out who she was with because I was ready to kill my business partner I even showed up at his house and he was hiding inside. But still no truth about anything.

 

Eventually I got sick of her lying and went and got the photocopies. I threw them in her face.

 

That girl was furious at me. I had "violated her privacy" by reading the diary, how dare I, blah blah. She marched off in anger to her cousins place, and by 10:30pm her cousin told her she had better just go home and face the music. She tried to play the anger card at my actions, but I didnt let her.

 

I eventually forgave her and we even got engaged a year and a half later which in hindsight was stupid. I caught her cheating on me during our engagement, and she packed up everything and left at 5 oclock in the morning with nothing but a note because she was afraid I would go after the affair partner.

 

She kept dredging up how I read her diary for months after I threw those copies in her face. I remember how angry it made me that she would have so much nerve, to lie to cover up a lie and then lie some more. Despite me reading everything, she still swore up and down that nothing ever happened.

 

Glad I didnt marry that girl.

[dragon_fly_7]

Glad I didnt marry that girl.

Thanks goodness. What a terrible gf/fiancee indeed. I imagine that in a marriage with that type of woman, you could have been dealing with an ''I'm I the father of our kid'' dilemna or even be deceived into raising one that's not yours.